To wonder what our life as a future couple will look like when he is so independent?

I think this is potentially difficult but I would agree that the sort of things he is talking about - visits to collaborators, fellowships abroad - is really normal for an academic. It is so competitive - and if he has a permanent position aged 31, he is doing very well, but is very likely to have to move again (to where the job is, not necessarily where he wants to be). I think you need to talk to him about what the future would look like for both of you.

OP the ball is in your court. He said he wants to go and you probably right about this being a bit of a hobby/passion/a need that his work also allows.

Kids aside, right now, would that suit you? Would you like to go with him? As I see it, you have only been together for a relatively short time, never lived together and you are quite young still. You are not itching to have kids immediately so you have options and the choice is yours.

Not sure what signals you get from him of strong bond and how much you think he wants you, but as others said look carefully for these as the writing may be on the wall.

This is such nonsense. Its not at all comparable to emergency services. He has a permanent job. If he wanted to settle down and have a family they absolutely could.

Have you read any of those threads OP on being married to someone with autism?

Good luck with getting him to talk about your future.

It’s a constant theme on there, that our partners/spouses will not ever have that kind of conversation.

The bottom line is, with this sort of person, their needs will always be a priority to them, yours will come second, and if have children their needs will also be secondary to the person with autism.

It’s not their fault but autism is classed as a disability and therefore planning a future and knowing how to make a person feel like sometimes they are a priority very rarely happens. The world exists pretty much exclusively for them and you must fit around their needs and life.

Particularly when the shit hits the fan is when you discover that they always come first. Like when you’re really ill and need assistance and they pretty much ignore you - and for instance - go away on that academic 3 month jaunt. They just up and go, without a backward glance. You need taking to A&E but that’s on you to sort yourself out.

You simply won’t be a priority.

And when your kids need help, like really need help, again, they will be obsessing about something at work that’s so important it can’t be left for even a moment, or find some way to be unavailable.

Whilst absolutely amazing, stimulating, incredible conversation partners and very kind and thoughtful on occasion at the start when it’s just the two of you, early on, but it won’t last.

Again another gripe of ours. The love bombing period finishes after about 6 months and you quite literally become an afterthought.

Proceed at your peril. A ton of us have autoimmune diseases probably brought on by physical and mental burnout and always feeling like we’re not very important. Like we’re an afterthought. Which we are, in the end. An important afterthought that does absolutely everything but still an afterthought. You will live in a relationship that never meets you half way, never meets your needs and you will feel so very very lonely.

thats the biggest sadness for all of us. The constant feeling of being alone.

That's your trouble really

If you marry an ambitious academic guy then they are absolutely going to be taking fellowships abroad and / or travelling to do research in other places or meet collaborators as well as go to conferences regularly. That is the life and they often have partners who are the 'trailing spouse' who goes along with them

If you have your own ambitions then you need a guy who is happy to take more of a supporting role but may be rather less exciting and less high earning. This is the road I went down after a few relationships with exciting high flying guys foundered on their assumption that if compromise and sacrifices were needed it would be me making them.

I can't do that with my autistic boyfriend after 18 months. They often like their routine and time alone. Mine won't do school nights.

And this is the problem.

This is a man you have been dating less than a year. Don't live with. In fact now live further away then when you first dated. Who is only 31 and looking at professional postings away for 3mths at a time. This is not an outrageous thing for a 31yr old to be doing.

In contrast. You are a woman panicking about her biological clock and stressing about your decreasing fertile years, and so projecting "whatabouttery" onto a man you've known less than a year and not even had the kids talk with - and that's ignoring the incompatible work focus that already exists between you.

You shouldn't be worrying about kids now, with a man you don't even live with. That's the cart waaaaaay before the horse.

Also, why aren't you semi living together now if you can work remotely and neither of you has kids? Surely you should be at the stage where you can just pack a bag, turn up in your scruffs and be at his for long periods.

My DH works abroad frequently. He has been away for three months on three separate occasions and we now have 4 DC.

It has never been a problem as I don’t work, and it was easy to join him for a few weeks and have loads of fun in different places.

However, eldest starts school in September so he has agreed to not be away longer than six weeks, and to try to arrange trips around school holidays. That probably won’t work for an academic though!

I still get to do everything I want (I have loads of support and passive income) but it sounds like you would be the one doing all the compromising here.

I hope your conversation goes well.

This. She’s looking for someone to stay at home while she is independent. It may be he’s after the same, in which case it won’t work but neither of them is wrong as such

This. I have no doubt that hearing his ex wife's reasons for filing for divorce would be very, very enlightening.

What pps said...

-Low pay... Yes other professions are transient but then there's silly money which they use for the family unit.

• Many can be very charming on occasion (in a quirky way) but just too much hard work unless you are willing to do lots of emotional labour. Frequent meltdowns and very self focused. As you get older you need EASY people not hard, complicated people.

• A lot just help themselves to younger women for social or dating (as there's a constant large intake of attractive new faces) ...see it as a perk of the job. There's zero accountability amongst colleagues (in fact, often they egg each other on) and this culture is fairly engrained.

(Especially if they are tall, white and from UK/USA/Europe and have a few OK social skills...the level of arrogance is :-O).

-Essentially they know they will have the option of a woman 15 years younger, so why worry about the wellbeing of the current partner?

Look at Ted Hughes and his lifestyle (down to eventually getting the supportive younger wife whilst ruining the lives of others).

Looked glam on paper but incredibly lonely and unfulfilling for the people involved with him plus Ted Hughes did some good poetry, most academics are obsessed with doing shit publications that no one is interested in and are totally irrelevant

Unless you want to sacrifice your mental wellbeing, don't. Sounds like you have a great life with loads of interests, date someone easier.

And they divorced without having any children. Ergo not the settling down type.

Look, if you want to make it as a comedian and also have a family you need the opposite of this guy. You need a homebody who doesn't mind being the stable presence and who wants kids enough to shoulder his share or a bit more.

The third option, if you don’t want to give up your opportunities to go with him, and you don’t want to stay here for six months without him, is for him not to go. Doesn’t sound like that will happen, and it’s no fairer to expect it of him than it is for you.

That’s why people are saying it won’t work. The circle can’t be squared.

A large part of this may well be his job. With the academic job market as tight as it is, it can be near impossible to move jobs (and definitely no "we love this city, let's look for jobs there..." while you could do this in other industries, academia just doesn't work that way).
Taking fellowships elsewhere (for up to a year, even) is also part of how you build this career. My husband and I lived apart for the first few years of our marriage, seeing each other only once a month. I also travel for research most years, sometimes for weeks at a time.
Now, none of these things might work for you. I am not even sure really whether it was worth it for us (and we are both academics, so both face the same choices and challenges). I have done less of these things since the birth of our child - and I wouldn't, for example, take a semester fellowship in a different country unless my family could come too - but, if I was building my career in an ideal way, I would be looking for opportunities like this.
The question, really, is is his career compatible with how you imagine your life? And does he intend ramping down once you have children?

If this man agrees to have children it will be because he thinks that will keep you occupied stressed and busy, and make it easier for him to spend all his time and effort investing in himself.

There will be no mutually acceptable compromise, he will expect to do as he pleases and invest in himself as he chooses. You will have to like it or lump it.

And "you can come with me" doesn't wash, because you had no say in where he'd go to or for how long.

Yes, exactly this.

Here’s my experience of academics who become fathers.

They are very good at getting out of all kinds of things at work because they tell their colleagues that they are busy parenting and therefore can’t possibly deal with x administrative or y teaching duty.

What they are actually doing is taking the opportunity to focus on their research. Not parenting at all, just nurturing their own career at the expense of their colleagues and partner.