How do you deal with flying monkeys : people you don't know well but know they speak the words of their controller

‘Narc’ as it’s used on here simply means ‘someone who doesn’t behave well to me’. As does ‘toxic’.

The phrase has been around since 1939, and the Wizard of Oz movie.
Hardly a new expression
And dismissing it as a label doesn't help the awful situation the OP is in.

It is a modern phenomenon though that suddenly everyone is a narcissist. It's ridiculous. True narcissist personality disorder is rare.

But how? Do these people live close to her, thousands of miles away from you, and have travelled for this wedding? Or are you saying she coaches them on the phone, and people you barely know approach you on her behalf to criticise your behaviour?

And if these people are wrong about you, why would you credit one of them, who you say also ‘attacked’ you, when they told you your sister is obsessed with you and ‘insanely jealous’? That doesn’t sound like the insight of a flying monkey.

The term flying monkeys predates tiktok by many years and comes from the Wizard of Oz books that were written by the end of the 19th centaury, so long before the advent of the internet.

It”s a well-known phenomenon associated with narcissistic behaviour. Narcs are often very charming and thrive on creating drama, conflicts and negative emotions. Most people become flying monkeys unwillingly, sometimes they genuinely don’t know that the narcissist is using them to spread gossip.

OP, act surprised and walk away. I would not go to the wedding if I were you, life is too short for this.

Yes, seen the WoO!! I know them in that context, that's why I thought the OP was talking about a themed game! I didn't think to associate it with human behaviours.
To me, someone passing on messages from someone else is either a gossip or go-between, and if they are being nasty at someone else's behest, they are a fucking bitch! Apologies for the simplistic approach!
No, haven't seen the term here before, despite being around for a while! As you say, every day is a learning day.

But you're going to her several day abroad wedding for what reason? I think you enjoy the drama.

I cut my sister off for less because I just can't have this disorder and abuse in my life. I don't benefit anything from it. But not you! You're walking into it.

It’s not generally deliberate on anyone’s part. It’s part of a system of scapegoating a family member. It’s what allows dysfunctional families to appear stable. The problem is pinpointed as being someone else, over there. People tend to unintentionally cooperate.

So the outcast child has ‘always been difficult’, ‘doesn’t care how much he’s upsetting his mother’ etc. People flock to explain to the outcast that ‘you only have one mum’, and ‘if only I could see my mum again’ etc. They think they are helping but they are just reinforcing someone else’s abuse.

If you don’t think flying monkeys are a problem, it’s possible you are one!

What does “people you barely know being vile to you” look like?

I can’t imagine what she’s told them to make them behave this way?

This all happened years ago- You haven’t seen your sister for years so perhaps she’s matured and no longer spreads rumours.. I’m surprised she’s invited you if she hates you to this extent.

You don’t have to go. You both hate each other.

If someone asks you if you & your sister speak, you could reply “well no we don’t because she doesn’t have anything interesting to talk about” and then leave.
Or you could ignore their question and reply with a question of your own asking them something completely unrelated and different from what they asked you.

I have enough of a backbone to not go to events where I don’t like the people and the people clearly don’t like me either. A lot easier than coming up with coping strategies.

You mean you’ve never seen The Wizard of Oz? After all, that’s where the term comes from. Are you that old? Have you never read threads on MN that speak of flying monkeys before today?

Well they do say, everyday is a school day! So you’ve learned something new today and that can’t be a bad thing.

Is it really that likely that your sister, who lives thousands of miles away and whom you haven’t seen for years, is conducting a campaign of long-distance harassment via acquaintances, total strangers and relatives at a wedding, and whom she’s coached enough for them to be using her turns of phrase about you?

Why do you need to defend yourself? It's none of their business why you and your sister don't speak. I would just tell them that.

You don't have to go to the wedding. A 'several days wedding' sounds like altogether too much of a good thing anyway.

I think it’s bizarre how everything has to have a silly label. You watch too many pseudo psychology wannabes on tiktok.

however I would literally just ignore them. If it’s true (which I doubt) then they’re not worth your time. If you just give off a stand offish vibe you might find it’s mainly in your head once you actually get talking to them. How likely is it really that they all hate you because of stuff your sister is saying about you when she lives on the other side of the world. Realistically how much contact can they have with her that they find time to talk about you to that extent?

I would just laugh in their faces and tell them to grow up and stop this harassment before you call the police.

If you have someone else at this wedding who can be by your side as a support, do that.

Practice a look somewhere between disbelief and sympathy for people who are so sad they have to be someone's flying monkey and walk away laughing.

It's so hard, I've been there but acting strong and walking away makes them feel small and stupid.

Even though she lives thousands of miles away and I've not seen her for years.

So don't go then 🙄

I didn't go to my sisters wedding for similar reasons.

Glad it’s not just me!

Thank you for explaining. I didn't realise that this was such a thing that it gets it's own behaviour label!
I am amazed people have the energy to direct the monkeys, particularly if you are no contact and in different countries; it must be all-consuming to find ways of being horrid via others!
I think it's sad that people who know you are swayed by this behaviour; they are not nice, and not worth wasting your breath trying to explain your sister's role in their opinion-forming
You literally need to 'get a new life, reinvent yourself'. Of course, easy for me to say...

Don’t go to this wedding and cut all of these people out (unless you enjoy the drama).

When you are caught up in a toxic situation, having a label that describes people’s behaviour and tactics is helpful.

Most of us don’t need to know about flying monkeys. Some of us do.