Sister jealousy

Fucking hell, what is it with MN users like you? Maybe try what OP is doing and have some introspection, you’re clearly a miserable person to make a comment like this.

OP I think it’s a case of “I’ve had to do all of this to get to where I am whilst she coasts along…and she’s happy, how?” The equation that we’re taught (by capitalism) hasn’t added up here.

I’m very much your sister’s type, I don’t want to take over the world, I’m happy running my 2 small businesses, paying my bills and going for walks with my dog. Maybe it’s worth reflecting on if there’s something simple in life that you’re missing out on.

I do admire high achievers, fair play to you guys but I do notice a “what’s next?” mentality. I’ve also heard people say that high achievers are either running away or towards something. I think that’s something worth pondering

Are they all quite as derogatory and critical of the person they look down on, but admit they're jealous of?

Sometimes we get jealous of things even though we know if we had them, we wouldn't like it. I run my own business and I get jealous of those with jobs who can have a holiday without it playing on their mind or have a regular secure salary.

But then I know that life would not suit me and there are benefits to what I have too. It seems cheesy but I often have to reframe my mind to be thankful for the life I have.

I'd guess that you're jealous that your sister is married and the fact her children have a father in the picture. You can describe him as hands-off but she obviously felt able to have three DC in her set-up. Perhaps you don't see what he does behind the scenes?

I think you know that the optimum upbringing for a child is within a family with two parents and you feel an underlying guilt for your daughter. You know that money cannot replace a parent and that your DNs all have one another as siblings through life.

Ultimately I think you know that you've given your all to secure your career path and progression and so you don't feel jealous of your other sister because she has simply given her all in the same respect. Neither of you could have done more. Whereas you perhaps haven't put the same weight or value on finding a long-term partner.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with other family set-ups, having an only child etc. We're all trying our damndest, but I've given it to you straight as you don't seem to mind straight-talking.

Sounds like she has a strong community around her, maybe you're jealous of that?

A senior role isn't necessarily enviable though?. I know people who have turned down senior roles because they realised they didn't want the responsibility, stress and time involved in doing it well.

My DH doesn't regret doing a PHD but he also doesn't think it helped him progress at all and is now doing another course in his field.

Its obvious that the OP isn't fulfilled. Her criticism of her sister's job, her sister's husband, her sister's village and community, her sister's lack of just about everything - is focussing on the wrong person and avoiding self criticism.

The OP has worked hard to get to where she is now and its a hard knock to come to the realisation that instead of people feeling envious of her, for all she knows many people might actually pity her - a single mum, working full time, bearing all the responsibility for another person for the next twenty years. Its possible the OP is looking at her middle sister (who she considers the polar opposite of her) and is resentful that she hasn't got what her sister has...she really doesn't want what her sister has, she wants tenfold what her sister has......... this is the enviable position she really wants to be in.

I also find it interesting that the OP used the word jealousy and not envy. She resents her sister.

And one more thing, OP? Does your DD's dad do nothing at all? Is there any way you could get him to help more? It takes 2 ti make a child, he should do something.

OP as someone in quite a similar situation to yourself (minus the sister!) I would imagine, based on my experience and some of your posts, that I suspect you may be jealous of her being able to outsource/share some of life’s load. I am 100% responsible for everything and while I’d be a dreadful partner (I’m far too selfish!) it would be very nice indeed to be able to have someone else take care of (for example) working out what mortgage to get. It is all on me and sounds like it is all on you too.

Maybe it’s because she’s happy and in love and has a decent guy for her kids. You don’t.

I think a senior role is enviable, in the sense that it's something you've strived for. But 3 kids take a lot of striving too! A huge salary isn't enviable but itself, but it is important if like OP you're the sole provider
Op, did you like your PhD? Was it an area you prefer to what you do now?

To me, OP, it seems neither you or your sister have the ideal life. I can understand why you wanted a high salary as a single parent, but do you enjoy your job, or is the salary your only plus? Maybe when your children are older you could try for a career in a different field? It must have been a real struggle doing everything, my own mother brought me up on her own, so I can empathise w wanting someone to shoulder some of the load. But remember there's a difference between that & not being able to do those things in case you were alone, it sounds like your sister is a bit like this.

As for your sister, if her husband works but she doesn't it seems less bad that he doesn't help out, but still not that great. Although if she really enjoys doing it all, I guess it's OK. Still, she may not be totally happy with that, but maybe not letting on, just as you may seem happier to her than you really are. Surely 3 kids & doing most of the work involves challenge and worry at times, remember you only see her at certain times. Does she not have any career dreams anymore or maybe just put them on hold until the kids grow up? It seems a shame to give other interests up totally.

patchworkbear, did you not really like your career and prefer to have been a sahm? If so, I get what you mean, a high salary job isn't the only fulfilling activity. But independence itself isn't bullshit surely? What if a husband leaves? I think personally sahms should have a wage to give them more security. & surely part of being an adult is taking on challenge and stress? Obvs not all the time, that's unhealthy for anyone.
I think a middle ground is best. Surely challenge can be balanced w contentment? Ie you can be happy w what you have while still stretching yourself? This reminds me a bit of Michelle Obama's Becoming, where she real7sed her law job was more for validation that she'd made it, than for personal enjoyment, and she found the hospital job she enjoyed much more but earned less for.

Appreciated nice!

It’s a interesting question!

In case any of this resonates, when I’ve … well, not been jealous of but kind of fixated on what certain people are posting on their public, clearly identified social feeds it’s always those who are completely comfortable sharing frank opinions online or being really candid about their lives.

I’m just the opposite, find it so hard to say what I’m feeling to anyone, even a therapist!

But when I would read their posts I wasn’t wistfully thinking “I wish I was like you!” it usually had quite a mean edge to it. I especially liked identifying when they’d contradict some strongly held opinion they’d expressed earlier, which obviously is my way of reassuring myself that I’m better off keeping quiet than to be, God forbid, inconsistent.

Hope you haven’t left the thread because of the posts from people outraged at what your sister will never know you said but completely comfortable fully laying into a real human being they know is reading their posts!

Forget how shitty Mumsnet are. They don't like career women. They don't like mums who assume they might be taking time out of work. They don't like mums taking time out of work. They don't like people who get ahead of themselves and progress their career. They don't like women who stay at home and raise their kids. They don't like it if you didn't change your name when you got married because it shames their feminist credentials. They bang on about why their child has the surname of their deadbeat dad and it's still feminist.

When we strive for bigger and better outcomes in life, perhaps we want other people to acknowledge our achievements and want them too and when this doesn't happen, we feel discombobulated. Perhaps you feel uneasy that you are now feeling envious of your sister when on paper you have the majority of the tick marks? Perhaps you are subconsciously realising that having a senior role professionally isn't enviable after all? Perhaps other people learned at a much earlier age that prioritising work isn't enough to make them happy?

Has your sister complained about her husband by the way? Because again perhaps he isn't measuring up to your ideal of fatherhood duties but your sister might prefer having this as her role, feeling needed and being 'in charge' at home. My friend married someone who didn't have the same support as she did growing up. From an early age, he worked in low paid jobs and still does. He isn't a wonderful father and she does the brunt of the worrying about their kids but I also know that while she complained about it when their kids were much younger, she likes to be in full control of all situations and whatever he did wouldn't be the right (her) way. She treats him as if he's another child most of the time yet they've been together for twenty five years and have a stable, comfortable relationship.

That’s fair enough then.

FWIW I think a high salary is anything over 100k.. so yeah 80 would be middling in my opinion. Not being rude, but your comment about mid 30’s being ‘low paid’ and therefore a contributing factor as to why your sisters life is so much worse than yours has really come across badly. Actually, everything that you have said about your sister and her family comes across horribly to be honest.

Thought I was going to agree with you wholeheartedly or flame you based on your post… but think I understand a bit better after your other comments.

I’ll do neither…
Sometimes we’re jealous of the things we don’t actually want. I think that’s ok as long as you keep it in perspective.

What does a successful life look like for you? Write it down. It sounds like you view “success” in a very rigid traditional sense. Salaries and work ambition aren’t everything. I don’t think anyone lies on their death bed thinking “thank goodness I worked all those hours to earn a big salary”.

And them wanting to explain it says something about the kind of person they are.

As does the way they choose to do so.

Lol shame on op for not using 3000 words on an internet chatroom known for it's brevity

As someone who's done the 'independent woman' bullshit, I wish I had what your sister has- that peace and contentment with their lot in life is priceless. For everything else, there's Mastercard!

You could have said 'She's a real homebody who loves having her friends and family around and doesn't seem to let the weight of the world get to her in the same way I do.'

The way you described her really is pretty damning, despite throwing 'she's lovely' in amongst a wholly derogatory description. And using the pretext of posters here 'understanding' you was really flimsy considering none of it was really relevant.

It sounds like you are just bog-standard jealous of her. You've worked really hard to achieve an impressive career and good wage, but you aren't happy and she is.

You don't have to pick away at her perceived flaws to persuade yourself that you wouldn't like her life - you know you wouldn't - but if you would like to be as happy with your lot as she is then you have to focus on yourself, not her.

He certainly doesn't love her enough to equally participate in raising their kids. And if she has small kids she is probably up with them right now while the twat is sound asleep