Not a good wife

He. Is. Selfish.

If you are happy to have low standards in your marriage then that’s fine, but I expect (and get) better from mine.

If you’re a doormat that puts up with shit like this that’s on you but it doesn’t fly in my house.

Well I’d not be doing a damn thing for them if I intended to stay with him out it that way.

Oh I don't disagree that he sounds incredibly difficult to be a good wife for and still be a person in your own right.

I was just responding to a PP who said you can't take someone seriously if they're saying "you're not a good wife". You can take them seriously, because that's their view, you're not what they think a good wife is. And that's your cue to think very carefully about what the next thing you need to do is. Have you, as a couple, dropped the ball? Are you actually not compatible? What needs to happen to make sure you're both getting what you need?

This thread has gone the way they always do, almost unanimous 'see how your life without him would look' with a tiny few 'its normal'. Always go with the majority op. The 'it's normal' posters are likely in the similar horrible situations themselves and aren't ready to consider that.

He sounds delightful! I'd be showing him the door. He is expecting you to do EVERYTHING and also be at his every sexual demand.

You need to talk to him Op, let him go first and tell you what he really means. I'd bet it's sex, he thinks all your time goes elsewhere than him. Too many men still think they work so that's them done, meanwhile you also work, keep house, look after the DC so your work load goes up and up, your sleeps broken and all he's doing is complaining.
He needs to wake up and see if he wants more sex he needs to be a better DH

I'm sorry op but it's very unlikely that you love him like you've said in your last post.

We love people who are kind to us.

So this isn't love, it's something else.

I expect you want to be in love so much, that you've picked a person who you probably fancied at the beginning, probably even liked elements of his personality, and then squeezed him in to the fantasy of who you want him to be. Every time he treats you like shit, proving its not love, you need to create something in your mind ti dismiss it - like how you've decided that him being nasty here is your fault 'a dent in me'.

Nobody can be a good wife to an absolutely selfish shitty husband. I hope you’ve told him he’s a shit dad and a shit husband so at least you’re ticking one box and it’s a huge one.

And you’re a selfish lazy prick of a husband comes to mind as my response…

I agree, @RhaenysRocks. Blaming someone for making a poor choice shows a staggering lack of understanding about people and relationships.
But I don’t know the boiling frog analogy 😊 I’ll have to Google that one!

Stop doing all the extra stuff while he is out
make a list of what needs doing each week and divide it up between you in the hours he is home.
dont make a list for him next week. Let him figure it out.
and come up with a plan on how to leave him

he sounds throughly vile

Well the 4 years I spent living with my husband before marriage indicated that he wasn’t one of these kind of men, as he always did his share happily, and thankfully he didn’t become a different person upon marriage.

My reading of it is that he has an idea of a wife being an uncomplaining mother, domestic worker and sexual partner who never gets tired of asks for anything in return. He's not seeing her as a full person in need of fulfillment.

I agree that relationships work different ways, if they're not based on respect then they're always bad ones.

I'd be letting him do his own cooking and washing. In fact when I was a SAHM I did make my DH do those things. I had that time to look after the children, although I did more in the house than he did, he still pulled his weight 🤷‍♀️ you don't have a good husband. 💐

(Just to add that reads like now I work DH doesn't do washing/cooking anymore but he does!)

I see so many posts on this forum about vile men who care only about one thing and expect women to do everything with regards childcare and life admin/housework. It begs the question why anyone would want to get married for fear of ending up with one of these losers?

Life really doesn’t have to be like this Op, you deserve so much better. I happily did what you do while being a SAHM but when working full time it absolutely shouldn’t be like that. He should come home to be a parent and husband, not rush off to gym/pub while you are left to it. He’s definitely not a good husband so don’t feel bad about his idiotic comment. Take care - you more than deserve a break.

I'm 100% not defending him, but the idea of someone being a "good wife" or indeed "good husband" is personal. What I think a good partner is, isn't what someone else needs.

OP may well not be a good wife to this man because what he believes that looks like isn't compatible to what she believes and can give. He may be better suited to a wife who wants to "serve" him and she may be better suited to an equal partner in life.

My personal opinion based on what OP has said is that he's a twat and doesn't deserve her. I certainly wouldn't allow my partner in life to treat me the way he has her and then tell me I'm bad at being a partner. But that doesn't stop them actually not being good wife/husband material for each other.

Sums it up.

I’m gobsmacked at his entitlement, his arrogance, his blindness at what are doing for him and the family. You are facilitating a much easier life for him, at your expense, by taking in all the domestic and childcare related work.

If he doesn’t care about those things, just stop doing them for him.

I thought he was a selfish ungrateful bastard when I assumed you were a SAHM. Now I know you work FT too I’m even more outraged.

He’s an absolute bastard OP.

I guess the answer is if he’s a good husband, you’ll be a good wife; although if, as I suspect, his idea of a good wife is a blow-up doll with working hands, he knows where the door is.

He's shown contempt in multiple ways. People are recognising that this means the relationship is done - there's no coming back from contempt.

I would also be unsurprised if this is the start of The Script - blaming you for the affair he considering or has already begun. It's of course not a given, but wouldn't be unusual.

I can't imagine being with someone who would say 'you're not a good wife' and expect to be taken seriously.

What does he think being a wife is and how are the expectations different to being a good husband?

You're in a relationship, it's about mutual respect and companionship. Not about fulfilling a gender stereotype.

If he can do that himself, let him do it. What does he do for you? When you're doing all the grunt work woth the kids leaving him free to work 7 to 7 and go to the gym, THAT'S what you're doing. This is so common it's infuriating where dads who work more hours or earn more money in their jobs than their wife, who do these dad's think will have their kids so they are enabled to this in the first place?? Ask him, if you disappeared 50% of the time how would that impact him? So frustrating.

And the patronising way he asked you ehat you do for him too, I woukd have refused to answer and just said look you've got something in mind I can do for you that I don't, let's cut the crap and tell me. And I bet whatever it is he doesnt reciprocate with you.

👍 couldn't have said it better straight to divorce don't bother to try sort it.