Not a good wife

Then he could share looking after the kids and do his own housework and pull his own chain while you have a break.😜

Well maybe go out with the girls for dinner after work and return home at the same time he did when he last went out after work!

Let him do it himself then! You should go on the program mum’s on strike😂 or stop doing stuff for a few days so he can see what you do! The man’s a dick don’t let him get away with that bs!

You're missing a divorce!!! Ungrateful git, him not you x

He doesn't sound to be coping well with fatherhood or being a good husband!

As said above, his statement that you are not being 'a good wife' could be him looking to excuse his behaviour (with other women). I hope not- since you still love him.

However, it could also be a clumsy way of expressing anger and unhappiness at this stage in your lives and relationship. Having young children is tough for both parents!

Perhaps he just misses you and the attention you had for each other? Saying you are a 'good mother' could be a bit of jealousy rather than lack of love? (Not impressive of him to feel like that about his own children...but it does happen.)

Do you also miss the relationship you two used to have... or are you too exhausted to feel that?

If so -you two need to work out some ways to balance parenting better and work out something for the two of you- a marriage life-jacket.

I know, right!

It’s like something from a medieval parish court record: “Verily, she failed to perform her wifely duties”.

Thank you. Excellent script

Hi,I wasn't attempting to undermine you. Unsure why you seem so angry with my post. I agree that abusive relationships are hard to get out of irrespective of circumstances but there is definitely a difference between leaving a relationship with compared to without. BW

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos that means you know about what you experienced in an abusive relationship - not what every woman experiences in abusive relationships. I’m really sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you were able to walk away from that situation and have been able to use it to make boundaries that have resulted in you finding a healthy relationship - that is amazing and really inspirational. However, there are so many complexities in people’s lives that can impact how they handle relationships; from mental health issues, their childhood, their partners level of manipulation, learning/social development issues, a huge power imbalance etc etc. And to be honest also all of these things could not be present because someone is never responsible for their partner being abusive and it’s not their fault that they haven’t left. I’m hoping you have just been backed into a corner defending yourself - as I’m a bit worried where this exchange is going if we are bringing in DV (I’m absolutely not saying that is what OP is experiencing, I haven’t read all the exchange, but this thread of the convo has brought DV into the topic around choice and it’s concerning) 😢

Determined to undermine me? You assumed I had no clue and when I said I did you're now telling me I have no clue for different reasons. No, no kids but it doesn't mean I don't understand. I have one now, and I know it'd be an even bigger reason for me to leave, to protect her.

Abusive relationships are hard to leave regardless. Kids make it logistically harder and are more to consider, but don't you dare try and take away the achievement it is for any person to leave an abusive partner.

Thank you, am I right to assume that there were no children in the previous relationships you walked away from?
Not quite so easy or straightforward to walk away when you have young children.
If it was, there would be alot more separated/ divorced women

I'd tell him... too bad. I'm the wife you've got and I'm doing the best I can with the life we have. If it's not good enough for you, and you think you can get better, then off you go. Because this is all I have to give (and is a lot more than I get in return.)

It doesn't, because before DH I was in an abusive relationship, and then one with a very insecure man who absolutely wouldn't have handled me forging a career. I walked away from both of those. And they're the reason I have put my boundaries in place and make them clear.

They're the reason I was in no rush to take the next steps with DH. They're the reason I had to be sure there were no signs that once we moved to the next step he'd change. And the reason I know there's an element of choice.

Agree it’s absolutely nauseating.

Is that what they taught in Stepford?

Pop to the gym, meet a mate on the way home....how does he get to have a beer night if you don't? Expect dinner and all you do and say your not a good wife to him.

Lucky that it has worked out for you (element of luck) but please don't imply that someone hasn't chosen wisely so has ended up with the situation they are in.
If only it was as easy as saying 'I wouldn't tolerate that'; that displays complete lack of understanding into the complexities of getting out of difficult relationships.

Gosh OP, you sound like an amazing woman, juggling so many balls. Your husband sounds selfish, inconsiderate and chauvinistic! You deserve love, praise, support and recognition for all that you are doing. Looking after very young children is exhausting in itself, let alone working and household duties.
What worries me is that if your husband has no insight into the enormity of the responsibilities and exhaustion associated with young children, there is limited hope for change and recognition. You don't need to explain the lack of sexual desire! I really hope that you can communicate with each other and that he can come to appreciate the need for him to share the workload. This may make you feel more appreciated and less stressed. Wishing you lots of luck but PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU ARE AMAZING

No. PP said what’s the point in getting married as you might end up married to a wanker. I said I tried to make sure he wasn’t a wanker before I married him. So you can use whatever mental gymnastics you desire to make out I’m being superior, but I was actually just answering the question.

I lived with my DH for 6 years before we married and we'd been married 7 when DD came along. I had an idea of what he'd be like as first a husband and then a father.

But also, I made sure that he knew what I wouldn't accept from him as either. He knows that if he treats me poorly, I won't still be here for it to continue. He respects me for that and I respect him for being "man enough" to have an equal partner in life rather than a skivvy.

I do think there's an element of luck to it, but there is also an element of choosing wisely.

Well the 4 years I spent living with my husband before marriage indicated that he wasn’t one of these kind of men, as he always did his share happily, and thankfully he didn’t become a different person upon marriage.

Lots of men do, though, even when all reasonable precautions like cohabiting for years before marriage have been taken. So, what is your point exactly? That you think good luck demonstrates some kind of superior judgement?

Why would it be a good idea to stay married to somebody who behaves like this?

What low standards you must have.

What do you love about him, though? He sounds like a complete arsehole. Selfish, lazy, disrespectful, engaging in wilful incompetence, and with so little self-awareness that he is saying you are the problem. It doesn't sound very endearing. I'm astonished you manage to find him attractive at all when he treats you and your children in this manner.

I think the veneer often vanishes once people have children. You see now who he really is, and it's pretty obvious the answer is to divorce him asap.

Yes, he works long shifts but he gets to the gym! He sounds like a thoughtless arse.

What do you get? Other than chores and FTW I mean.

Time for the useless twat to start doing his own washing and cooking I think!