Not a good wife

You need to send him a link to this post so he can see just what a waste of a husband and father he is!!

He is most definitely referring to the lack of attention you may pay towards him and/or sex. You need to tell him if you had more help and therefore more time, things may be different! He sounds like an entitled narcissistic arsehole!!

Sounds like you need to a break from this marriage.
A trial separation. As he sounds like he has a drink problem as well as being an a-hole treating you like a faulty appliance.
Or you are being controlling and in that case I'd be asking why.... what are you worried about or responding to?

Take a break. Divorce is not the end of the world but before you get there perhaps some couples counselling might be helpful?

Just going through a divorce atm. Have applied online, £600, its all been ok so far tbh but were not complicated. The end is in sight 🤞

I totally get what Ur saying and agree. Divorce isnt a good option. It's easy to think about and imagine a life less hassled but it brings it's own different set of problems. That's how I see it anyway. So yeah good point. Marriage isn't easy 😔 people aren't easy.

But this is a choice- he has decided he can fit this long day out into his life. Would you consider a job that kept you out this much?
split up the tasks and let him do his share, but you have to accept it won’t be done the way you would have done it, but don’t manage his tasks or you may as well do it yourself.
getting up with kids in the night should be 50:50

A divorce is only as hard as the people involved make it. If you get one arsehole in a divorce who can afford to pay a fortune in fees simply to get one over on their ex, then yes its hell. Get two of those and its hell with added demons and sprinkles on top.

However, most people dont get that. Most divorces get rubber stamped. Unless either of you are massive earners or have huge amounts of money then the financial side will be tense at times but not insurmountable. And he sounds very lazy. To be actual arsehole in a divorce takes a HUGE amount of effort. Only those who actively consumed by hatred (ie, the pyschologically fucked up who care more about winning than the prize, no matter the cost to anyone) can be bothered with it. This is why you get so much bluster from arsehole men when you first say you want a divorce.....they will take the house, they will apply for custody of the kids, they will do XYZ, all in order to frighten you in staying and when you dont, in order to punish you. Then they find out that it takes a lot of effort which they cant be arsed with and also a HELL of a lot of money which they dont want to spend. So inevitably, after much bitching and moaning and telling anyone who will listen that "bitch ex took me to the cleaners", they will sign the paperwork and fuck off.

Not a reason to stay with lazy selfish thoughtless prick who doesnt love you, doesnt care about you and sees you simply as a domestic appliance that is playing up a bit.

As you've already said yourself Op you had a DC and changed and matured, you've accepted that you need to put your DC first and you've done that. Some men just find it much harder to accept that becoming a parent means they fall down the pecking order.
I've never had any DC because I know I'd struggle with the demands DC put on a parent and I'm realistic enough about myself to know that I wouldn't be a great DM, it's not a job where adequate and a bit begrudging is enough. Unfortunately, too many men still become DFs without thinking it through- they think it will be great, you'll do all the work but you'll still be all starry eyed about them, they have no idea how quickly their DW can go off them when all the responsibilities and work simply pass them by.
I know you want to keep your family together but that means an honest assessment of your marriage from both of you. He's whinging that you're not a good DW but does he have any idea how poorly you rate him as a DH?

Does it have to be 4 beers?

I don’t think it would hurt to unclench a bit and have a beer to be honest.

Get a divorce problem solved.

Sharing a bottle of wine with a take away wouldn’t cause any problems for tomorrow, surely? Unless you were drinking until the early hours.

how late and how much are you likely to be drinking, we’d share a bottle of wine with a takeaway and are fine the following morning

What's wrong with having a drink with a takeaway?!? I love a couple of beers with a curry!

That sounds really controlling on your behalf so I'm not surprised he didn't like you saying that.

Or are you saying he's an alcoholic and can't just have a couple of drinks and will drink until drunk?

Gym? I'd be wanting proof of that I'm afraid.

Let him do the cooking and washing then, including the meal planning and food shop, putting it all away and keeping tabs on what has run out etc. He can sort, wash, fold and iron if needed, put it all away and change the towels and bedding when they need washing as well. Not as simple as he thinks, I'm sure!

PS why is it petty and childish? Just behaving exactly the way he.does? Seems reasonable more than petty.

On point ☝️
That's the language they understand.
Otherwise all they hear is blah blah blah, moan moan moan moan .... Which confirms their belief Ur a bad wife.

The days you work, don't leave him a list. Dont fucking help him. Dont have a single meal prepped. Dont come home afterwards.

BE him entirely for those two days. Right down to fucking off in the morning leaving wet towels on the floor or whatever chaos he leaves in his wake. Take more days if you can.

Do what he does. Come in tipsy at a time he normally would after work and some gym time and moan about the state of the place, the dried up dinner, and don't lift a finger to even move a toy. Moan about how hard your day was, and tell him he's a shit wife too.

Petty and childish I know. But sometimes reflecting their own misogyny back to them can be very effective.

My husband said exactly this to me!!
Im a wonderful mother but not a good wife… we are now separated and my life is so much easier!!
I was upset at his remark.. our daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and I was getting up throughout the night to check her sugar levels, I had an alarm set for every 2 hours.. I would check her and if she was slightly high I’d change the alarm for 3 hour, if she was a bit on the low side I would change alarm for an hours time…. If she was low (below what is expectable) I’d give her an orange juice in her sleep and then have to stay with her for 15 minutes to check her levels were rising…. It was bloody hard work and once awake I found it hard to go back to sleep…. He’d moan about being disturbed !!!! … never once got up … thought he was wonderful because he’d check her if he was later going to bed than me so I could have a bit longer than 2 hours initially (but this was rare) and he’d check her when he got up for work at 5 so I could just set alarm for 7…. So for example I’d check her at 9 before my bed… he’d do the 11pm, I’d then do 1am, 3am, he’d then do 5am and I’d do 7am…. But any lows in that time I’d the one sat up with her ….. and if he wasn’t working the next day he wouldn’t get up at all till about 11am…. So even when he was home I’d be up all through the night and still be up at 5 then 7 and stay up to do school runs etc…. I couldn’t even nap during the day because he’d make me feel guilty / lazy!!

The sheer tiredness meant my body then craved junk food so that I could get a quick fix of energy (sugar) so I gained weight, felt terrible because I’d always been quite slim and pretty and now felt fat and unattractive… on top of that had health problems meaning I was bleeding daily (have now had hysterectomy)…. He had the ordasity to tell me I wasn’t a good wife… oh and on top of that when I walked up to get DD from school (about a 50 minute round trip) he would cook and eat while I was gone FOR HIMSELF!! … so we’d walk in to a house that smelt like dinner but no actual trace of food!…. I’d then cook later for myself and DD!!

He then TEXT ME from work saying our marriage was depressing and we hadn’t done anything for ages (keeping in mind this was 2021 / after lockdown) and that we hadn’t even had sex for a year… keeping in mind I was up every night more often than I’d have been to a newborn…. Plus was bleeding daily… and not just a bit but heavy! (Sorry if TMI)
I was too upset to respond and he wouldn’t actually elaborate anyway…. But I think he was pissed because of the time I have to DD, I’d run her to clubs and go out with her friend and her mum to places (places DH wouldn’t have wanted to go to!)… and as she got older declined going to town to just walk around and only go in shops HE wanted to browse! He always wanted to go in shops like curry’s ‘just look’ and mens clothing stores, camping shops and a visit to a shop selling ‘almost out of date’ food…. If I wanted to go the card shop he’d huff and stand outside…. Even if the card I was buying for once of his bloody family!! If I wanted to go into town for myself I’d have to go a different day without him!!…. DD got to the age where she’d moan it was boring, or she’d want a subway and a bubble tea .. he’d moan about the cost…. I’d get her one just as a way of blackmailing her to even go to town without a fuss…. It became such a pain with him being in a mood whatever we did that I stopped going… telling him we’d only go to town if his days off fell on a week day because DD didn’t want to be dragged round town!
I think men expect us to do everything… my DH never lifted a finger with DD, never bathed her as a baby, would only look after her if I was at work … but would make it known he didn’t want to because ‘it was HIS day off to RELAX!!’ We’ve been separated 2 years now…. In all that time he’s seen her ONCE!! Can’t afford the train fare (he says) but attends a gym, has been on holiday abroad with a female ‘friend’… and refuses to coach down for £30 round trip as it would take all night (he could sleep on it as can sleep anywhere!)….

I think you need to take a long look at your life and consider what’s in this for you!!…. It sounds like he’s happy for you to be a nanny, cook, cleaner and taxi to his kids but also wants you to carry out your wifey duties and fit in ‘pleasing him’….. no room in his life for you to be worn out!!

My attitude now is that while I was apparently a great mother and shit wife.. at least I performed well in one of my roles…. He on the other hand would fail at both being a husband and father …. But I think they see their only role as ‘providing’ financially….. your husband needs a kick up the arse and reminding you also provide financially and maybe you need to tell him on his days off you’re off to the gym and he can take his turn at being a good parent!!…. Maybe if I’m his two days off he actually pulled his weight you could relax and then you’d actually want sex / have the energy for it!!!! (Maybe just not with him 😂) jokes aside I didn’t find my husband at all attractive towards the end…. To me he was awful for not helping…. And unsupportive…. The him doing the night checks didn’t last very long either… he ended up saying he was tired and went to bed before me!…. So I’d then be checking her at 11pm too… so I just didn’t bother going to sleep till after 11 pm check…. Then he stopped checking her before work so I’d also be up at 5am…..
I was so bloody grateful when we were allowed technology which monitored her and alarmed on my phone … I can now check her sugars without getting out of bed, and actually do sometimes get a whole nights sleep!! Lol
and because he’s gone I also don’t get woken by his constant wee stops in the night, snoring or his by his alarm or slamming the front door every morning…. BLISS !

Love this 😂 made me laugh so much the dog dived all over me 😅 and I agree wholeheartedly