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Original poster

To be sad that she thinks I’m a bad boss?

37 replies

Worstbossever · 16/08/2024 21:05

I’ve been debating typing this as I’m not really sure what I’m hoping for, really. The short version is that I have a team member who clearly thinks I am a terrible boss. She is underperforming and difficult, but she’s also having a terrible time in her personal life. I’ve tried hard to be accommodating with those issues, as they are genuine, but it’s been going on for over a year now and I’m just fed up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I’ve also been a bit at fault because I’ve taken too long to handle this, made a few too many allowances and let some stuff slide that probably shouldn’t be let slide. And now my boss is on my case to sort it out, as I’m at risk of under-performing if I can’t get her to do her work. So I suppose I’ve been inconsistent and now I’m being firmer and that could be confusing.

Some examples of her behaviour:

  • Routinely missing deadlines
  • Not sharing documents with the right people, or holding conversations in the wrong channels which mean that important voices are excluded and can’t have their say
  • not updating the team tracker
  • prioritising ‘easy’ tactical stuff over more difficult plans and strategic thinking
  • not prepping for meetings so they take longer while she gets the info she needs
  • rolling her eyes and snapping in 1:1s

We are mostly remote with a few office days here and there, and I think she’s lonely. She spends AGES on calls just chatting, and she also takes ages to get to the point. When I try to be quite efficient, she feels rushed.

She expresses that she thinks I’m a bad manager - when we are having difficult conversations, she starts crying and saying that she’s never had a manager behave like this before. But when offered the chance to share reflections with my boss or informally with HR, she’s not taken them.

Other people have also had some problems with her, and I have no other problems with other team members. I am following all my HR processes and I feel like I am probably in the right (though all feedback is a gift and I’m keen to learn/do better). I also know that I’m battling all sorts of stereotypes and cultural norms about female bosses and likeability. And not everyone can like you.

BUT I’m really really sad that she feels this way about me. I know it’s silly and I know I need to get over it but I just want her to like me!

Help me get over myself

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 16/08/2024 21:50

As a manager you need to get used to being disliked. You can't be people's friend and manage their work.

This has been going on for a year now, so I think you've been accommodating enough. Some of it should have been nipped in the bud, for example rolling her eyes and snapping at you. That's very disrespectful behaviour.

I'm also wondering how it affects her colleagues when she doesn't meet deadlines, doesn't share documents, excludes people etc

I would arrange a meeting with her about her behaviour, giving her an opportunity to address it. I would document the meeting and follow up the meeting with an email of what has been discussed.

I would explain what the problems are, the consequences of those problems and discuss how they can be addressed. I would offer further training if necessary. I would come up with an action plan and monitor progress.

After a period of three months, I would review her progress. If she is still underperforming, I would start formal proceedings.

If she cries, then offer a ten minute break and resume the meeting. If she rolls her eyes or snaps at you, then tell her to stop.

KerryBlues · 16/08/2024 21:47

Worstbossever · 16/08/2024 21:43

Honestly, it’s a tonne of reasons, but mostly because she’s had this terrible time and I feel so much empathy and compassion for her.

I want her to know that we have her back through this.

But I feel like I’ve now been taken advantage of and I feel a bit embarrassed too. Like I know I’ve been too soft and I can’t quite articulate why

Show quote history

But allowing her to let her work slide to the point she was causing issues for others isn’t having her back, op?
Your need for your direct reports to like you is preventing you managing effectively.

Original poster
Worstbossever · 16/08/2024 21:45

TinyYellow · 16/08/2024 21:15

If you’re that desperate to be liked, management might not be the right job for you! It’s not you as a person or a boss that she dislikes, she just doesn’t want to have to do her work efficiently. People like that always look for someone else to blame.

Yeah, tbh that’s one of the reasons why I’m thinking about going freelance myself. I am good at lots of parts of my job, including difficult conversations outside my team, and have no need to be liked all the time, but it seems to be harder with direct reports. I know it’s ridiculous but I do care what they think

OP posts:
Original poster
Worstbossever · 16/08/2024 21:43

KerryBlues · 16/08/2024 21:13

None of those things should have been let slide because she’s having a hard time in her personal life, op.
Why have you been making allowances for her basically not doing her job properly?

Honestly, it’s a tonne of reasons, but mostly because she’s had this terrible time and I feel so much empathy and compassion for her.

I want her to know that we have her back through this.

But I feel like I’ve now been taken advantage of and I feel a bit embarrassed too. Like I know I’ve been too soft and I can’t quite articulate why

OP posts:
Original poster
Worstbossever · 16/08/2024 21:40

Ted22 · 16/08/2024 21:12

It sounds like she’s just not very good at her job.

It also sounds like you’ve tried quite hard to be fair to her.

Remember: Not everyone will like you. That’s just life.

I do wonder if she’s trying to manipulate you a bit. All the crying in 1:1 meetings and implying you’re a bad manager stuff. By which I mean, she can tell you care what others think of you.

If other people tell her off or critique her, does she respond the same way?

I do feel a bit manipulated, yes! A lot of
crying. She’s had such a hard time and my heart goes out to her, but it’s like she has no control over her emotions, and the slightest challenge or scrutiny on her work and she starts to cry.

Eg today, I needed to get a straight answer on something and she just kept going round the houses, and when I said, look, I just need to know x, she started to cry. Then asked me if I was ok because I wasn’t smiley and cheerful.

I‘ve not seen other people critique her so I can’t say, but she does seem to have history with another role, which I only found out about after she started.

OP posts:
Citrusandginger · 16/08/2024 21:37

This isn't about you.

• Routinely missing deadlines
This is on her.
• Not sharing documents with the right people, or holding conversations in the wrong channels which mean that important voices are excluded and can’t have their say
This is also on her.
• not updating the team tracker
And this.
• prioritising ‘easy’ tactical stuff over more difficult plans and strategic thinking
She's lazy too.
• not prepping for meetings so they take longer while she gets the info she needs
That's a her thing.
• rolling her eyes and snapping in 1:1s
Is poor behaviour. No excuses, whatever her personal situation.

Has she got an improvement plan?

Original poster
Worstbossever · 16/08/2024 21:35

Runnerinthenight · 16/08/2024 21:11

You don't need her to like you - you need her to do the work. But you need to do that in a reasonable manner without micromanaging her.

Why is she rolling her eyes in her 1-2-1s?

Edited

Yeah, I know, and I don’t think I micromanage, though I wonder what she would say. She doesn’t use the team tracker to give updates so I probably do ask for more updates than normal, so maybe that is micromanaging? But we have a policy of updating the tracker so that if someone is off urgently (which has happened a lot this year) everyone else knows where a project is up to.

The eye-rolling is in response to an annoying phrase that I’ve been told I overuse.

OP posts:
MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 16/08/2024 21:21

I think like you sound like a good manager, but maybe I am too public sector 🤣. I think it’s very decent to try to be understanding and accommodate some personal isssues. But it can’t go on for ever and she has shown she’s not good enough. You have to be tougher now, which will mean either she ups her game, or you have to enact more formal performance management processes.

TinyYellow · 16/08/2024 21:15

If you’re that desperate to be liked, management might not be the right job for you! It’s not you as a person or a boss that she dislikes, she just doesn’t want to have to do her work efficiently. People like that always look for someone else to blame.

KerryBlues · 16/08/2024 21:13

None of those things should have been let slide because she’s having a hard time in her personal life, op.
Why have you been making allowances for her basically not doing her job properly?

Ted22 · 16/08/2024 21:12

It sounds like she’s just not very good at her job.

It also sounds like you’ve tried quite hard to be fair to her.

Remember: Not everyone will like you. That’s just life.

I do wonder if she’s trying to manipulate you a bit. All the crying in 1:1 meetings and implying you’re a bad manager stuff. By which I mean, she can tell you care what others think of you.

If other people tell her off or critique her, does she respond the same way?

Runnerinthenight · 16/08/2024 21:11

You don't need her to like you - you need her to do the work. But you need to do that in a reasonable manner without micromanaging her.

Why is she rolling her eyes in her 1-2-1s?