To stop heavy smoker parents holding baby

It is astounding how loving parents can have such cognitive dissonance about exposing their children to something which can easily be avoided

YANBU.

I find the smell lingers. I have one friend who smokes, and when she comes round, even if she doesn't smoke while she's here, I can still smell it. Sometimes even the day after. Maybe because it's transferred from her clothes/hair onto the sofa?

I'm happy to give my smoking friend a hug, but I wouldn't want to be held by a her(!) for a minutes at a time.

If you can smell smoke on your parents, that means you and your baby are inhaling it.

You may be a big more "triggered" by the smell because of your experiences growing up. I am definitely more (emotionally and physically) triggered by it, because it's the only thing that still sets off my well-controlled asthma. But so what! I wouldn't expose my baby to something I wouldn't want to be exposed to myself.

I cried when I received baby back from smoking grandmother as they smelt so badly of smoke. Grandmother asked what was wrong and never smoked from that day. Has a fab relationship with grandson. Not sure what would have happened if they'd carried on smoking.

I wouldn't let a smoker hold my young baby unless they had changed clothes and washed hands. And I wouldn't take my child to a house where cigarettes are regularly smoked as the toxins will be everywhere - sofas, carpets etc. There is ever increasing evidence of the dangers of 'third hand smoke'.

But it's their choice to smoke.
Why should OP put their lifestyle choice above her baby's health?
Grandparents could chose to temporarily stop smoking when they see the baby, if they put their relationship with OP and the baby's health above their habit...
DOI ex smoker who would never smoke around a baby

If they have smoked in the last hour and haven’t washed and changed their clothes then it will be harmning the baby.

I 100% wouldn’t be taking a child to a smokers house… tbf I wouldn’t even want to visit myself let alone take my dogs/baby there!
mid they come to you tell them they can’t smoke at yours, ask them to wash hands or they can’t hold baby… surely you’re not scared to tell them they need to wash hands before touching YOUR child!

I would say if they've washed their hands and they have the windows open, and the visit is limited, it's OK. Yes it is yucky but I don't think it will seriously harm the child if the room is ventilated and hands washed. There is a huge difference between a visit like that and a child being in a closed, smokey room for a length of time, for example. A lot depends on how flexible they're willing to be for their grandchild as he or she gets older, e.g mainly do outside activities for example. From your sad story about your sibling though, I wonder if they will be able to make ANY compromises, in which case you might have to meet them only at yours or outdoors...

My son had a lot of chest issues as a baby. Needed various nebulisers etc. luckily it's settled down now. Whenever we were there, other babies were there and the first question they always asked were if the baby had any contact with smokers, even if they only smoked outside the house. The doctors always said that the smoke transferred, so I wouldn't let them hold the baby

Research thirdhand smoke. Very well known and common advice from all midwives and health visitors. It’s not just the smell, it’s the thirdhand smoke.

A lot of people really exposing themselves as being entirely uneducated on the risks of thirdhand smoking here

Yabu

I agree keep them from smokey environments and i gey making them visit you or outdoors but to make them change is ridiculous.

You do also know that their clean clothes will smell of cigarettes too

It can kill the baby, that's the point. Scary how clueless some people are on here 😒

I'm a smoker. I wouldn't hold a baby until I've got non smoky clothes on, clean hands and at least half an hour has passed since my last cig. I also wouldn't have a cig anywhere near your house. My addiction, my problem.

No, I don’t agree. I know two women a generation older whose daughters (roughly my age) used this as a means to get them to quit. Stop smoking or you don’t have baby in your house. Both women later admitted it was the push they needed.

But I wouldn’t back down whatever your parents do. My babies did not visit smokers’ houses.

Do some research on second hand smoke

It's up to you, obviously, but worrying about health risks to the baby isn't really a rational reason.

Seconding what @BeardieWeirdie said

OPs sibling isn’t.

My mum was a heavy smoker and my sister had the first baby ( luckily for me) so she introduced the rule that mum wasn’t allowed to smoke in her house any longer, only the garden. We continued that rule for years until mum died.

I would still visit mums house with the children and used to cringe about the smoke smell etc but to me that was unavoidable and wouldn’t do them any harm for short periods of time. However, my house was a smoke free zone.

I think some people go over the top and it’s important to maintain good relationships with parents & grandparents if they are otherwise good people & it’s just their smoking habit you dislike.

@PortiasBiscuit has clearly never heard of third hand smoke or the dangers of residual build up of chemicals on surfaces that can be harmful.

There are many things in this world we can't really control like air pollution, unless you move more rurally but smoke exposure is something you can avoid. The grandparents have the choice to stop smoking if they want and to us the baby as the motivation

In your circumstances I would do my level best to facilitate my parents seeing and holding my baby and having an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren but on my terms.
I do not allow smoking in my house, which is pretty easy for me because no one who comes here smokes but if a smoker did come they’d be out in the garden rain or shine. Smokers stink! The smell of smoke sticks to you, it’s revolting and I would hate it that my baby didn’t smell ‘right’ after being held by them so I think it completely reasonable to ask them to wash their hands and change tops. Go visit them as often as possible when the weather allows you to be in their garden but ask them not to smoke near you or your children then when it’s not possible for you to be outside insist on them smoking outside, changing clothes, washing hands etc when they come to you.
Sit them down and explain that you love them and want your children to have a relationship with them but this is how it has to be. It’s a really strong addiction, I’m sure they love you and your baby very much. Good luck!

I don’t think you’re going to be able to reason with people who are so utterly fucked up that even after suffering a stillbirth caused by smoking, they would still prioritise cigarettes. Your childhood sounds horrible. I wouldn’t want much to do with them, and they certainly wouldn’t be holding my baby. Smoking has consequences: stillbirth, cancer, stinking and being isolated from family.

Erm yes there is. The carbon monoxide makes it difficult for baby to breathe and can cause SIDs. Scientific fact.

i hate smoking, and the smell makes me gag, so I'd definitely be low contact - but do keep it in proportion; presumably they smoked when you were a baby/child & you're still here.

how old are your parents?