In thinking visiting parents and/ or in laws doesn't count as a holiday?

With you op. PIL live a 12 hour
Flight away. It's nice to go and see them but it's not my holiday. We have agreed going forward we will meet somewhere in the middle-ish for an actual holiday. Their house in suburbia isn't what I want to spend my annual leave on!

I'd insist on a week holiday a year minimum.

I'd also go less often I'd do one week every 2-3 months and special occasions. Use your ds as an excuse . Your dh can go more.

Is there nowhere else around to take him? Country parks? Swimming at a leisure centre?

A holiday is where you get to go somewhere of your choice, and do whatever you like to do, whether that's lying on the beach, skiing, or going to cultural sites.

Visiting family is not a holiday, unless a) they live somewhere you'd like to visit even if they weren't there, and b) you do what you like when you're there.

For me I'd add c) it definitely can't be a holiday because I like to see new things, and we pretty much never go to the same place twice!

Can’t you take your DS out somewhere nearby while they sat around chatting? No way I’d be sitting in the house all day.

How long are you there for? If you're not going home tomorrow, find somewhere local to take DS to and announce you're doing that. Tell your DH he can keep his mum company or come out with you. But don't sit around for another day.

Also, tell him you all need a real holiday, and if he says visiting parents is a holiday, ask him to explain what makes it a holiday.

Oh no. Visiting the in-laws was awful. Terrible food, no privacy, no sleep, just sitting on the sofa doing nothing/going nowhere.
I was constantly told what a lovely holiday I was having visiting them and they didn’t understand why I went abroad all the time. I carried on going abroad.
Once we were in discussion about moving to America for a few years and one of my main dreads was we would spend holiday time just doing visits and no actual holidays.

If you visit your MIL every few weekends then you don't need to visit her in your holiday time as well.

Why don't you visit your parents once a year and they visit you once a year.

Book yourself a lovely holiday just the three of you for the rest of the time.

I feel your pain. We're the same. I'm in the US and my family in the UK. I have too little vacation to spend it in a shitty Travel Inn on a ring road 😄

Two hours does not a holiday make 😄

Your parents should be making more of an effort to come to you and there's no need to have a "holiday" at MIL in addition to your regular visits. Go on a lovely holiday and if your parents are put out, so be it. Make it known to them that there's a standing invitation for them to visit you.

I sympathize as I live overseas and our family holidays used to be at least partly family visits. My parents (69 and 72) are both retired but "don't really like to travel." We have three kids, a demanding FT job and a business to run. They need to come to us - and your family need to come to you.

I’d book a holiday. And what’s this about when you go you also have to ‘host’ the other family?? There’s no way I’d do that. I’d say to dh I host when I’m in my own comfortable home and I’ve invited people, what do you mean we need to organise dinner for x & y? Call them and say yes we will be up at the same time why don’t we alternate nights for sorting dinner, unless they just want to do their own thing.

Are D H and your MIL both in that mindset of thinking anything she needs doing must be done by 'family'? Has someone looked at any social services help she could be entitled to, or could she or other family members pay to get some jobs done?

Use that week to book a trip for just the 3 of you.

My ILs are in their 60s and make a 7 hour public transport journey to visit us (they come when DH is off work for childcare and I'm working so just chat with them in the evenings) - visits are 3-5 days and used to be twice a year but are now once, in the summer.

My parents are in their 70s and 2.5hours away. They come for the day (weekend) once year. I visit them solo (pub meal) once a year and I take DS to stay with them for a few days 1-2 timee a year.

And I consider us very dutiful with no need to do more.

Pre-lockdowns I did lots of cousin and aunt visits etc but honestly don't think DS was getting much out of it- and like you only have enough leave for 1 weeks family holiday a year and think that is much more important.

I was expecting this to be one of those where your spouse is a foreigner and he wants to use his annual leave to see his family but you feel like seeing them every year is way too much.

But they live so close that you can easily take a holiday and see the family at an other time. He can use sowm of his annual leave to help out family.whilw you're at work and vice versa. Then have your week long holiday.

Well I went to stay with my mum for two weeks with my kids recently and I thought of it as a holiday. But we were going out to places of interest every day and also, although almost 80, she is very independent and made all our meals every day so it was definitely a holiday for me! If we'd been going there to deal with her care needs and were stuck in her house all the time it would not have been a holiday.

Another reason for not going.
I think if your DH goes so often to sort out issues either he’s bad at sorting them or there are too many but in both situations he needs a different approach.
I would expect him to go once a fortnight for a day by car and you just occasionally, unless you and DS absolutely love going but it doesn’t seem the case.
I wonder if your DS is missing out on opportunities as a lot goes into this travel money, time and mental space wise.

My MIL and parents are competitive grandparents and they get jealous when we visit the other set. When I went to my parents for a week during one of the school breaks MIL called it a "proper holiday" to my children and set them up with spending money and presents, obviously outwardly nice but it was a bit OTT and smacked of her envy. Me fulfilling my daughterly obligations in the place I grew up (and hated) is not a bloody "proper" holiday!

This, and why on earth are you putting up with Other extended family expect to be catered for when visiting (& muggins here has to do the grunt work to get things nice). ?!