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Original poster

To tell MIL she can't hold baby

313 replies

FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 13:29

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 17/08/2024 03:24

It’s entirely unavoidable for a baby with siblings or parents with a cold - they will be exposed and may get sick. I haven’t found this makes parents feel any better if their baby with a cold needs a PICU admission and intubation. I don’t really know why people are pretending an unavoidable (hypothetical) scenario of contact with sick parents/siblings is an amazing GOTCHA proving how silly the OP is.

It makes perfect sense to avoid contact with sick people where possible when you have a small baby.

oh - and the poster whose neonate had a cold and is now a thriving eight month old? That’s cool, and that’s true for most babies who have a cold including those who need a ventilator to survive it. Still reasonable to avoid if possible.

LunaTheCat · 17/08/2024 01:00

Never mind holding - she should not come to house!
Nobody with a virus should visit a 7 week old baby - really inconsiderate!

Calliopespa · 16/08/2024 23:05

FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 19:00

@Calliopespa surely it goes without saying that I care about my child but to be honest, until some of the replies on here I didn't know how serious a cold could be for a baby, so probably wasn't as worried as I should have been!

Thanks for the support though 🙃

You are right to be worried about the baby - and actually I was being more supportive than I think you realise. Its perfectly sensible to be worried about exposing such a young baby. All this talk people indulge in of building immunity fails to take into account that newborns are much more fragile than older babies and toddlers. In large families in times gone by it was t unheard of to call babies “ baby” until their first birthday in case the baby died and they might use their given name on a subsequent baby. A first birthday was a milestone. Of course medicine is better now but the fact remains they are still comparatively more vulnerable. It’s fine to just say this is how you feel. I understand that posters were asking loaded questions about if you are “normally very anxious about health” etc, but don’t back off. It’s far less defensible to say “I just don’t want to look after a sick baby” and I think it will be infinitely more inflammatory with your mil if you word it that way. We all have to learn to stand out ground as advocate for our Dc; all my regrets are not for being overly protective but rather for things I look back at now and think I was right to have worried and should have just trusted my instinct. That was really the point I was making. It was a bit sarcastically worded so I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear on the face of it. So here it is straight: it’s a much better answer to be honest you are worried about the baby. Don’t be ashamed: it’s sensible. Lots of posters won’t be worried but it’s not their baby is it.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 16/08/2024 21:35

nocoolnamesleft · 16/08/2024 20:11

There speaks someone who has never seen babies with bronchiolitis (caused by cold viruses) fighting for breath.

Show quote history

Exactly! There’s a blissful ignorance in some of these posts.

Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 21:33

@Maria1979 Exactly! All those asking if I'd treat my own mother the same - DD isn't even allowed in my mums house because she smokes (out the window, as if that makes a difference)

OP posts:
Maria1979 · 16/08/2024 21:03

FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:27

But surely if you could've avoided it, you would have?

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My dad smokes a paquet a day and has never been vaccinated. He's 80. So everyone should start smoking and avoid getting vaccinated, right🙄. Don't even bother OP there will always be people who knows better than science..

User3456 · 16/08/2024 20:57

Monsteramagic · 16/08/2024 20:38

Threads like this are wild to me. No one needs, or is entitled to, cuddles with a baby that is not theirs, and especially not when they’re ill in anyway. People’s survivor bias is showing on this thread.

And catching viruses does not help build the immune system. I’m so sick of hearing that. It’s utter bollocks.

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

This.

User3456 · 16/08/2024 20:56

I would be fuming that MIL hadn't warned me she was ill and would be leaving asap.
Respiratory illnesses are airborne and your little one can pick up whatever she has just by being in the same room as her (so can you and DH for that matter).
If you can't leave , try and ventilate the room as much as possible, no I wouldn't let her hold her, ideally the adults should be wearing masks (to reduce the risk of transmission to you that you could pass to DD at a later time).
MIL should do a covid test too.
I don't know what people are thinking exposing young babies to illnesses unnecessarily. Your MIL should know better.
The world has gone mad.
Hope none of you catch it 🤞

Monsteramagic · 16/08/2024 20:38

Threads like this are wild to me. No one needs, or is entitled to, cuddles with a baby that is not theirs, and especially not when they’re ill in anyway. People’s survivor bias is showing on this thread.

And catching viruses does not help build the immune system. I’m so sick of hearing that. It’s utter bollocks.

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

Small child blowing his nose

Is the Hygiene Hypothesis True? | Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health

The hygiene hypothesis says exposure to germs helps kids develop healthy immune systems. But many viruses didn’t circulate as widely during the pandemic. Are there downsides to missed infections?

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:27

hotpotlover · 16/08/2024 14:18

My daughter caught a cold from her siblings as a newborn.

She's now a thriving 8 month old.

But surely if you could've avoided it, you would have?

OP posts:
Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:27

@sunsetsandboardwalks

I still can't imagine depriving a grandparent of a cuddle with their new grandchild over a minor cold. Each to their own, of course, but OP can't be surprised when it has a negative impact on their relationship.

This is exactly the type of attitude I cannot get my head around. Why would anyone allow something like this to have a negative impact on a relationship? Makes no sense to me.

OP posts:
MintyNew · 16/08/2024 20:23

Yanbu, I wouldn't want anyone holding my new baby if they had the slightest hint of a cold. Don't really care what their actual illness is, if you look sick and sniffy then you wouldn't be holding the baby.

HarperSabrina · 16/08/2024 20:14

When my husband granny met our son he was asleep and she put her finger in his mouth to try and wake him! I almost screamed!!

HarperSabrina · 16/08/2024 20:12

I’d be fuming if my MIL happily saw my new baby with a cold. How bloody selfish!! So yes I’d say ‘oh you’re poorly? We shouldn’t have come as maybe you need some rest!’ In fact I’d want to say that but I’d have hidden somewhere else with baby and text my husband to make an excuse for us leaving 😆

Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:11

@coaltitsrock different virus, same stance

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 16/08/2024 20:11

coaltitsrock · 16/08/2024 20:09

but she doesn't have an active cold sore. You said she had a cold 🤷

Show quote history

There speaks someone who has never seen babies with bronchiolitis (caused by cold viruses) fighting for breath.

Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:10

Riapia · 16/08/2024 18:14

Quote MN rule 19a. “A MIL should be forbidden to touch a baby in the first 8 years of life. “
“After this age permission must be sought . “

I've just driven over an hour to visit her today, so if anything I'd say I'm pretty reasonable to not be more pissed off that she didn't give us the heads up that she was under the weather.

If my own mother had of put me in this situation I would have read her the riot act.

OP posts:
coaltitsrock · 16/08/2024 20:09

FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:02

I'm aware of this but would rather err on the side of caution and not risk someone with an active cold sore holding her.

Show quote history

but she doesn't have an active cold sore. You said she had a cold 🤷

Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:06

@Nottodaythankyou123 that makes sense thanks for your post. Very new parent here!

I agree it shouldn't be a drama and thankfully it wasn't on this occasion. As I've said in other posts, she can be quite easily offended so these types of things have turned into dramas in the past which is why I sought advice. I can be a bit of a bull in a china shop sometimes as my family don't do offence!

OP posts:
Tightfishedtwat · 16/08/2024 20:04

With regard to the cold sore thing. Have a look at the Compeed patches. I suffer from cold sores and they got worse when I gave birth. I always put these patches on just in case I touched baby by accident.

Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:02

Makingchocolatecake · 16/08/2024 19:06

Cold sores require contact to pass ie. through kissing nor just holding

I'm aware of this but would rather err on the side of caution and not risk someone with an active cold sore holding her.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:00

Flopsy145 · 16/08/2024 17:55

I understand where you're coming from with both, any reasonable person if they either had a cold or an active cold sore wouldn't ask to hold the baby so you're well within your rights to say no and give your, very legitimate, reasons.

Thanks!

She didn't ask to hold the baby today after all so maybe she has more common sense than I was giving her credit for. Either that or she sensed I was being a bit stand off-ish.

She does have previous of being highly offended when not allowed to hold her other newborn grandchild whilst she had an active cold sore. Hence me being a bit on edge about the whole thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 19:48

HelloMiss · 16/08/2024 19:32

@FreightTrain

You just don't like your MIL

At least be honest

Why are you still here? Go away.

I'm not for a single second going to waste my time justifying to you whether I like my mother-in-law or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 19:47

coaltitsrock · 16/08/2024 19:14

I think you are unreasonable. Cold sores are only an issue if active. I have them. I just didn't kiss my babies when I had one. Someone cannot pass them one if they don't have one going on. The virus is mainly dormant. You worry about nothing. In terms of a cold, your baby is young and will have antibodies. You just cannot avoid them forever.
And would you treat your own mum like that ???

I would treat my own mum more harshly because I wouldn't be worried about hurting her feelings.

OP posts:
HelloMiss · 16/08/2024 19:32

@FreightTrain

You just don't like your MIL

At least be honest