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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell MIL she can't hold baby

313 replies

FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 13:29

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

OP posts:
Didimum · 18/08/2024 11:33

You’ve made up your mind, OP. You’d made it up before posting. Spare us the continual arguing and just do whatever you’re going to do.

phoenixrosehere · 18/08/2024 11:19

coaltitsrock · 18/08/2024 10:54

Whenever I read these sort threads I am grateful to have DDs and not a DS who will bring a DIL home!

Edited

Why?

You would choose to put a newborn baby at risk of illness, possible hospitalisation and even death so you can get a cuddle if you were sick and get cold sores (herpes)?

I really hope not. It is not a MIL issue, it just happens to be her MIL. OP has also said she doesn’t go to her own mum’s house because she is a heavy smoker.

Baby’s health is more important than feelings.

Sirzy · 18/08/2024 11:19

Tandora · 18/08/2024 11:15

If you are overanxious and controlling about other family members’ access to and interactions with your child, it will negatively affect relationships all round .

Edited
Show quote history

a cold can kill a newborn. Any relative who puts the need for a cuddle over a babies life doesn’t deserve a relationship with them

Tandora · 18/08/2024 11:15

FreightTrain · 16/08/2024 20:27

@sunsetsandboardwalks

I still can't imagine depriving a grandparent of a cuddle with their new grandchild over a minor cold. Each to their own, of course, but OP can't be surprised when it has a negative impact on their relationship.

This is exactly the type of attitude I cannot get my head around. Why would anyone allow something like this to have a negative impact on a relationship? Makes no sense to me.

If you are overanxious and controlling about other family members’ access to and interactions with your child, it will negatively affect relationships all round .

Tandora · 18/08/2024 11:03

Just sounds like you are looking for reasons to deny your MIL to hold the baby tbh.

Kaaraa · 18/08/2024 11:00

coaltitsrock · 18/08/2024 10:54

Whenever I read these sort threads I am grateful to have DDs and not a DS who will bring a DIL home!

Edited

Why, because you want to get sick and snuggle your sons newborn?

I'm not a precious person at all, I frown upon so many of the pfb posts on here. However, this OP isn't one of them.

coaltitsrock · 18/08/2024 10:54

Whenever I read these sort threads I am grateful to have DDs and not a DS who will bring a DIL home!

Ozanj · 18/08/2024 10:52

90 percent of cold sores come from mothers who carry the virus without symptoms & are transmitted by not washing hands.

Original poster
FreightTrain · 18/08/2024 10:46

Katkins17 · 18/08/2024 10:11

quick question....would this also apply to your mum ???

As I've said several other times on this thread YES!

This isn't about MIL bashing so stop trying to make it that.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 18/08/2024 10:45

Katkins17 · 18/08/2024 10:11

quick question....would this also apply to your mum ???

She has already answered this question multiple times and made it clear yes she would

Pussycat22 · 18/08/2024 10:26

She's simply protecting HER baby!!!

Katkins17 · 18/08/2024 10:11

quick question....would this also apply to your mum ???

Alli88 · 18/08/2024 09:03

Your baby will pick up bugs, so you just need to get used to it I'm afraid.

Toptops · 18/08/2024 08:42

I'd let her hold your baby but ask her not to kiss her on this occasion

Anele22 · 17/08/2024 23:59

Gogogo12345 · 16/08/2024 14:09

What would you do if it was YOU that had the cold sore out of interest?

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Anybody with any sense at all would say ‘ I’ll keep my distance as I have a cold sore’

YOYOK · 17/08/2024 22:26

Calliopespa · 17/08/2024 14:11

But you are making this a face off between the mother and the MIL; it’s really the interests of the mil vs the best interests of the baby.

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The baby has their parents to advocate for them. OP is protecting her young child and being told - by many on here - that she’s being precious so it was made about her vs MIL.

pineapplesundae · 17/08/2024 20:29

I wouldn’t want myself exposed to illness if I could avoid it. Find a convenient excuse to leave.

RawBloomers · 17/08/2024 19:11

BibbityBobbityToo · 17/08/2024 14:17

If you've touched anything in the house, e.g door handles then touched the baby without washing your hands first, it's too late to worry anyway.

Maybe ask MIL if she's feeling okay, it could be hay-fever? If she has a cold, suggest she doesn't hold the baby this time just in case. I wouldn't hold a baby if I had a bug so she might not even ask anyway.

It’s not too late to worry. Cross contamination isn’t some sort of infallible mechanism guaranteed to make everyone sick. They might not have had the virus on their hands, it might have “died” on the handle, your hand might not pick it up, it might get wiped off by something else, it might “die” on your hand, you might not get it onto the baby in a way that gets into their system, it might not be enough of a viral load to make the baby sick.

You have no idea if you’ve passed a virus on until the baby gets sick, so it’s worth taking steps to avoid the minute you can.

Lilacrose27 · 17/08/2024 19:01

You’re not being unreasonable at all when my baby was a month and a half old my inlaws came to visit and my FIL had a major cough which we weren’t told about he held it in until he held the baby and proceeded to cough all over the baby. I was so annoyed by this as little one had been quite poorly previously and MIL has cold sores a lot and she proceeded to kiss the baby after being asked not to do so as that was one of the rules we’d outlined before baby was born. Cold sores can be fatal to babies! I’d get my partner to say something to them it’s his parents after all. It doesn’t have to be horrible it could just be something like in future if you aren’t well please can you let us know and we can reschedule when you are feeling better. Needless to say the novelty has worn off with my in-laws and they don’t even bother with the baby anymore.

BibbityBobbityToo · 17/08/2024 14:17

If you've touched anything in the house, e.g door handles then touched the baby without washing your hands first, it's too late to worry anyway.

Maybe ask MIL if she's feeling okay, it could be hay-fever? If she has a cold, suggest she doesn't hold the baby this time just in case. I wouldn't hold a baby if I had a bug so she might not even ask anyway.

Calliopespa · 17/08/2024 14:11

YOYOK · 17/08/2024 13:46

Some people here have more empathy for the grandmother (who has already met and cuddled the baby twice in 7 weeks!) than for the new mother. You know, the woman who carried this child for 9 months, birthed the child and is now brand new to the scary and exhausting world of parenting. Give her a break and some extra empathy. She’ll still be dealing with the hormone changes and adapting to lack of sleep.

Grown adults are not entitled to cuddle a baby. The grandmother is unwell. She can snuggle the baby next time. There will be other times.

But you are making this a face off between the mother and the MIL; it’s really the interests of the mil vs the best interests of the baby.

YOYOK · 17/08/2024 13:46

Some people here have more empathy for the grandmother (who has already met and cuddled the baby twice in 7 weeks!) than for the new mother. You know, the woman who carried this child for 9 months, birthed the child and is now brand new to the scary and exhausting world of parenting. Give her a break and some extra empathy. She’ll still be dealing with the hormone changes and adapting to lack of sleep.

Grown adults are not entitled to cuddle a baby. The grandmother is unwell. She can snuggle the baby next time. There will be other times.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 17/08/2024 12:09

First baby ?

Iwasafool · 17/08/2024 10:28

Mumtobabyhavoc · 17/08/2024 04:55

Sorry, your information is not correct. You can shed the virus absent symptoms.

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It is such a common belief, I've even had a doctor tell me that. So worrying when people just don't understand the basics.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 17/08/2024 04:55

coaltitsrock · 16/08/2024 19:14

I think you are unreasonable. Cold sores are only an issue if active. I have them. I just didn't kiss my babies when I had one. Someone cannot pass them one if they don't have one going on. The virus is mainly dormant. You worry about nothing. In terms of a cold, your baby is young and will have antibodies. You just cannot avoid them forever.
And would you treat your own mum like that ???

Sorry, your information is not correct. You can shed the virus absent symptoms.