To have told my mum I'm taking a break from her and she is at risk of never seeing my kids again if she continues?

I almost never say this. Cut her out. Totally. She sounds very dangerous.

Sorry, that should be slander and libel. (Defamation of character as well??)

If she's calling your uncle a murderer both verbally and in print on Facebook, surely that's slander and defamation of character. A solicitor's letter from your uncle's lawyer to that effect might shut her up.

I'm so so sorry OP. From reading your OP, I'm not sure if you realise how bad things have got- I mean, this is really, really awful, not just to your uncle, not just to your kids, but to you. The fact that you have to ask if YABU makes me think that some level of awfulness is normalised for you, because of course, of course YANBU at all. Huge hugs to you. She sounds really bad.

Hi no it’s also for people in your position or in mine. If you had toxicity in your childhood that board is help for you too as it’s good to read that other people understand.

I don’t have proper contact with my family as siblings decided to start blanking me. Contact with my divorced parents is when I speak to them on the phone or visit them. None of the family will come to my part of the country or visit my home.

As for your mum just let her see the children with you in charge at your home. If she’s rude in anyeay ask her to leave. It’s up to her to stick to those rules or not see any of you. Children don’t need to hear rude comments about other people they love.

If you can’t go NC look up “grey rock”. She sounds very much like my DM who we now think had a borderline personality disorder incl narcissism. I took the extreme step on moving hemispheres so only had to handle one visit a year! And then she died before her time, because she didn’t think she could get sick and ignored red flag cancer symptoms for a year.

stick to your guns OP, sending you strength.

I'm so sorry. How old is your mother?

There could be so many things going on. You say she has come off morphine - I understand that's a treatment for pain, so so do you know what she had it for, or she still has the problem? Could pain plus withdrawal symptoms be driving her behaviour?

Depending on age, it could be menopause related. Or a dementia issue.

Or it could be a personality disorder. Or just her being herself. SO many reports on Mumsnet of mothers who are vile to their own children.

You could suggest a doctor appointment - but somehow I don't think that would go down well with her.

SO I'd be inclined to write out everything she has said and done, how that has impacted on your children, yourself and uncle.

Revisit it to remind you of the truth, the reality she twists.

Prepare simple statements to repeat whenever she acts like this.

'You publicly accused uncle of being a murderer. (Screenshots)

My son was horribly upset by that.

You keep doing things like this, which also upsets me.

Your own choices are why we don't see you very often.

Stop it."

And keep calmly repeating your statements like a broken record, to her and to anyone else she's roped in as flying monkeys.

I very much doubt its dementia, she's being a manipulative bitch.
You are absolutely right to step back from her and only let her see your children while you are present, leaving the minute she becomes inappropriate

I woukd also block her on all.social media so that she can't post poison on your timeliness & you can keep away from her lies & drivel.

I woukd also be very clear with other family members that you don't want to hear about her online rubbish as you have taken steps back from it to protect your children and your MH

Autocorrect! Should have been "I wouldn't let your son be with her on his own"!

She sounds dreadful. It’s not you, and you are absolutely right to want to protect your children from all this as much as you can. I wouldn't let your simple be with her in his own, and if she started anything while you were all with her I would just gather up the children and leave immediately (or, if it’s in your house, demand that she leaves).

It does sound like she has MH problems and maybe she won’t change what she thinks, but she might learn that you won’t tolerate her talking like that in the presence of you or your children.

You’re not unreasonable to want to have a break and protect your family. She sounds like a nightmare.

She’s a narcissist op…and not even a covert one. Go and watch some Dr Ramani videos on YouTube.

You all need to be NC…you will feel so much better once she’s out of your life but you’ve unfortunately got a lot of work to do to get her out of your head. Might be easier with her being so unhinged though because it should be very clear that you’re normal and she’s insane.

The spending issues hint at narcissism too - people with NPD often have debts etc because they believe they deserve all the finest things in life, even if they can't afford them. They're also unscrupulous when it comes to ripping people off (because again, entitlement).

@Allwatchedoverbytrees make sure you set Facebook so only friends or specific friends can see posts, not friends of friends, as well as unfriending her. She sounds awful.

Say no to your kids going there. Let them know she’s not safe to be around.

@Allwatchedoverbytrees I know it's far from easy to go NC. I know you say it will cause you pain. But how much pain are you suffering now - and how much pain are your kids being subjected to - by staying in contact? She will not change. I went NC with a family member 10 years ago. If you'd asked me even 12 months previously would I do it, of course the answer would have been no. But she brought me to the edge of a nervous breakdown and I eventually had to go NC for my own health and wellbeing. Just be careful. There are no prizes for staying in touch with someone who is clearly an abuser and very much not well 💐

I agree to try the Stately Homes thread again. The poster who said that was wrong. Lots of people are struggling with what to do with awful relatives and not even at the stage of low contact. Some may never get to NC stage.

It's definitely not acceptable behaviour and I'm glad you have your DH's support. She should not have access to your children, that's a privilege not a right and she's shown she cannot be trusted to behave properly.

She sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder, or some kind of personality disorder anyway. Serious 'main character syndrome' as the kids would say! It's a horrible situation for you to be in, but I can't see what else you can do apart from go as low communication with her as you possibly can. And yes, she's bonkers!

Your mum is, frankly, mad and if I were in your position I would personally be seeing her pretty much never. I don't think it's especially good for your kids to be around someone who behaves/talks like that about someone that they love. She sounds properly obsessive and nasty.

Thing is, she's abusing your kids. You owe her absolutely nothing OP. You can turn your back on her completely. You can't expose your kids to this person anymore. So what if she has medical issues and you're an only?

YANBU to stop her having any contact with your children. It sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder and this won't change. I would try very hard to have as little as possible/no contact with her as she will always bring chaos and distress into your life. This must be very hard for you 😔 but I do think you need to protect yourself and your family from her malign influence.

Not sure who 'kindly explained' that to you, but it's not the case. Going NC is difficult and challenging and not for everyone for a variety of reasons - but there IS support over there.

She's emotionally abusing your children. It might be building because your DS is getting older and as we age nasty traits come out more. As said children get one childhood and she doesn't get to mess that up and their MH by trying to destroy relationships. They don't go without you and as said you warn her that you will leave if she starts.