My girlfriend always tells me I should leave her - and I’m tired

Just tell her again that you dont think its true, how it makes you feel and that you need it to stop.

Give her a book of positive affirmations or get her to make some and stick them up like posters. She does need to work on being kind to herself. Encourage her to do self care things for herself etc.

Another woman admitting I was like this in the early years of my relationship and am now happily married. It was never ever manipulation.
If she's up for changing it would be worth her looking up attachment styles and having therapy. Just understanding my attachment style and why I was the way I was made a world of difference and helped me move towards change. CBT also helped me challenging the negative thoughts that I wasn't good enough, no one could love me, he will not stay etc.

I was thinking the same.
@C1N1C why are you with her? The way you speak about her doesn't sound like you love her.

Consider couples counselling.

Its possible she has such low self esteem she's self sabotaging, but also possible she wants out of the relationship but is finding it too difficult to say it straight. Women often feel guilty about ending it with nice guys. If this is the case, then she's telling you these things so you'll decide you want to leave of your own accord. It's a elaborate version of the 'it's not you, it's me, you deserve better' speech that men give when they want out. Either way, I think you should take her at her word and next time she says this tell her you will respect what's she's saying and leave. If you want to leave the door open, call it a break.

You don’t sound like you even like your wife, let alone love her. Why don’t you leave her if she is such a manipulative person?

My wife uses the exact same phrases you've mentioned (depression), so I know how you feel. It means you can never argue or question her because you're always on the back foot, and any issue gets turned into you trying to reassure and even apologise.

It grates on you over time. Don't be where I am because it gets to a point where you actually plan everything you say in your head for fear of upsetting her. In marriage, it gets worse. They'll even throw the divorce card at you as a top-tier manipulation. It goes something like "nothing I ever do is right, why are you even with me? I can't handle this anymore, maybe we just need to divorce."

You'll notice with what you've said there is that even though she's apologised, she's STILL manipulating you... "You'll never see me in the same way" is another way of saying she's done wrong, but now you have to reassure her that you still love and want her. You're now chasing her when she's meant to be apologising to you.

what are you arguing about?

Maybe you’re just not compatible?

It is absolutely manipulative. The aim is to make you soothe and comfort her and forget about the argument.

You should consider pointing this out to her.

Or simply not allowing those tactics to end the discussion.

Honestly, she sounds unbearably exhausting.

It's so tedious when someone needs or wants constant reassurance and is always saying horrible stuff about themselves.
I know its lack of self esteem, but even so

Thanks @Eyesopenwideawake, the voice of reason as usual 😀

Did I hear my name?!

Not much to add to the already (mainly) excellent advice other than to say that self sabotage/low self esteem is often caused by what we learn/are taught or what we absorbed as 'truth' in childhood. It is possible to change this via therapy which, contrary to what others have said, does not need to be long winded or painful - it's a subconscious rather that a conscious trait and the subconscious can change very quickly once it knows what it's doing is no longer helpful or necessary.

She’s being really manipulative. By overreacting hugely to every disagreement in this manner she isn’t allowing you to express concerns or be heard in the relationship. She is training you to fear expressing discomfort or unhappiness in case it causes her to break down in this way. It’s a way for her to avoid ever taking accountability, under the guise of acting like she’s deeply remorseful.

If she isn’t willing to acknowledge that she does this and change her behaviour, you should consider if you can live with it or if it’s time for you to be free of the relationship.

It sounds almost compulsive. I once sat opposite a girl doing this to her boyfriend on a train. I was astounded at how much it spiralled up into ridiculousness. She just could not stop herself. Even when her boyfriend tried to calm her and pointed out that she was doing it again, she still couldn’t stop herself. I wanted to go across and tell her that she was driving him away, but he sat there patiently and calmly and took it all.

But I suspect he did just get to the end of his tether one day and leave her, as it was exhausting and stressful to just listen to never mind be involved with.

So my advice is that she get therapy and counselling, and that you try to stay detached and repeat the same ‘blocking’ sentence every time she says something like this, eg something like,”You’re doing this again. It’s not true, please stop saying it” then move away or do something else. This is what the poor guy I was by did when she persisted. It did help because she calmed down and became quieter whereas she’d almost been in a frenzied loop before.

Great post.

I think of this not as seeking reassurance so much as an expression of the pain she is feeling inside. Your reassurance wont have any long term impact because that isn't actually what it is about or what she needs. Was she like this before the hard time you mentioned? It's up to you if you can give her time to sort herself out but it can definitely be very wearing and tiresome. Just to say also that a behaviour can be manipulative while not meaning the person is bad or the intention is bad. She is just trying to push you to solve her pain, but you can't.

Yes, this.
From a 45 yo.
Screw that. 🪛

She needs to stick with the therapy. Honestly, all these people saying its manipulation, yes it is but it can also be linked to a more serious mental health issue. Hopefully she gets the help she needs and you both have a long happy future together. But please try to put yourself first also, if she keeps telling you to leave maybe you should.

I put up with this for 8 YEARS. I thought the longer we were together, he’d see that I wanted him and only him and it would settle in his mind. Yeah, that never happened. You have firm words with her telling her it’s too much, if that doesn’t rectify it, it won’t ever change. All it does it just chips away at you bit by bit. Every time. Until eventually there’s nothing left..

I’d be interested @eyesopenwideawake perspective on this if she doesn’t mind commenting. I always find her input very helpful.

My advice is don’t get co-opted into a conversation about her self esteem issues.

Whenever she says anything like that, keep yourself compassionate but boundaried.

Don’t say ‘yes I do love you’ or ‘no, I wouldn’t be better off with someone else’. Say kindly ‘you’re feeling really low on esteem again, aren’t you?’ or ‘hey look, you’re in that place again aren’t you, what can you do to feel better?’

Give her a hug for reassurance but then get on with your own life, thoughts etc - disconnect. Boundaries are your priority here.

Or of course leave and find someone who gives you energy rather than drains it!

Well, in a way she is right as you are fed up and tired with it. But it is her choice whether she continues to mess it up or to try and change. She needs to put the work in, and if she doesn't and continues with this, then I think you should rethink this relationship. A lifetime of this will not be fun.

Exactly. It's one thing if you're married and your spouse is going through mental health issues, you obviously help them as much as you can and you only leave if it's truly untenable. You are not married and you are not a rehab for damaged people. Run for your life.

Do you want another 60 years of this? She sounds exhausting.