Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

If his room is cleaned, it's done by him (I'm not saying it is cleaned, but OP doesn't do it) and he does his own laundry. So he's at 0 on those fronts. The extra jobs around the house need to be shared equally, but as I said I think his 'fair share' of those will be quite small in practice.

Washing up a couple of times a week, or sorting out other people's laundry when he does his own would probably be enough. I kind of understand if he didn't want to clean the bathroom that two young children also use - they are probably more likely to leave it dirtier than most by virtue of using the bath, toilet habits and being a bit messier overall.

Does his dad do anything around the house? If he does, then: "Your dad works too, but he still finds time to do his share when he's here"

"I'm not a SAHP to you. You are a grown man responsible for cleaning up after yourself. What i do during the day is none of your business."

Ask his girlfriend if she'd rather he learned to clean up after himself now or once they're living together.

All of that.

Put his board up and use the money to pay for a cleaner!

If you want to live like that fine, but I don’t. Running a household isn’t much work.

Ha ha ha, the GF will love this when it all comes home to roost.

Id expect yourDH to step in. Of course he should contribute. Cleaning the bathroom, cooking a family meal. He is in the transition to adulthood, not an entitled brat

I may have not read properly, but I don't think he does anything around the house, he has his meals cooked and his gf stays over. But he's refusing to clean the bathroom once a week. I'd kick him out tbh with that attitude.

If he was your son and not your step son, how would you deal with this?
Do that.

I haven’t cleaned the bathrooms my kids use since they hit around 15, why on earth would an adult expect you to clean his bathroom! If he wants a cleaner maybe he should employ and pay one, ditto the rest of the house. If he won’t clean the kitchen after himself he doesn’t use it. Tell him to move in with his GF and she can clean for him if she wants to. Lazy sod.

She absolutely isn't, but what his contribution should be is (in my opinion) modified by the fact that he isn't a stay at home parent to his step siblings. So the majority of the day to day should fall to the step mother.

In practice I think his fair share would seem quite light.

Since I presume it is the family bathroom, then I think he has you over a barrel. As you all need to use it...
Apart from cooking him a meal because your cooking for everyone else, do nothing else for him, and remind him to wash up after himself.
Tell him he can always move if he can find somewhere cheaper.

His gf doesn't get a say in this. maybe he should move in with her and she can see how she likes it living with a lazy man child?

Of course he should do chores. Cleaning the bathroom once a week is nothing in the way of chores. He should take turns to cook and hoover, clean tidy etc. You're not earning but you are working by looking after your dc. So I would challenge him on that. There's no way I would put up with that level of entitlement and disrespect.

Yes, so he should be a contributing member of it. His step mother is not his maid

Of course he should do his fair share. Clean bathroom once a week/run hoover round once a week/do washing up on all nights he's provided with food by you (or split with DH when he's home).
He's an adult and not paying rent, so that's a good deal. You're not his skivvy.
Otherwise it's time for him to get his own place.
None of GF's business.
Sounds like there's a power imbalance here though if you don't want to worry DH about it. Is the house owned solely by him or something? Sounds like you're at risk of being relegated to bit-part player in your own family life

Absolutely he should be helping. You're caring for your children has nothing to do with him! If he was in a house share he'd be getting a much less sweet deal. I'd be rethinking the terms of your arrangement- do you need to rent a room to him?

I think that his argument only works if he is financially supporting you. In a couple, by prior agreement, one of them can agree to pay the others share of finances and the other agrees to do their share of housework. I'd always still expect the person working outside the home to do a few basics as it's not nice to treat others like your maid.

As it stands -
He isnt part of a couple who own the house
He doesnt want to mutually agree anything
He is not really paying his way, but not contributing in other ways to make up for it

And overall, if he is an adult, then he has no right to live there, you're letting him stay there and he can choose to live by your rules, or move out.

Why is this on you to sort out not your husband?

If he is paying board and lodging, it’s fair that he does what he would do in a house share or if he were a lodger - do his own laundry, clean up the kitchen after he uses it (or take a turn cooking and cleaning up after), clean his own room, take a turn cleaning shared areas. That said, taking a turn cleaning the bathroom and living areas in a shared house of 4 would only be a few hours a month - no toys to tidy nor toddler mess and crumbs, no knacks to dust… It takes a lot longer cleaning a family home.

Of course I do, but I don’t expect our DC to do it. He offers help, I let him but I would not give him chores

Tell him he can pay for a cleaner to come in once a week to do his share.

I think this should involve your husband actually.

Of course your stepson should be doing some chores, because he lives there. This does worry me as a SAHP and carer, the idea that kids will grow up thinking mum has to do it all and they don't have to. So it's really important that both you and your husband set the norms in your family that everyone chips in to help. Reducing it into a battle between you and a recalcitrant adult child doesn't address the bigger question of what the norm should be in your family.

But it’s family he’s living with, just different

It's none of his girlfriend's business so I would be telling her to keep her nose out. I would include him in dinner but I wouldn't pick up after him or do his washing. I probably wouldn't expect him to do any cleaning other than his own room unless he is particularly messy, but I would expect him to do a bit of babysitting, popping to the shop for me, that kind of stuff. My adult dc are at home, all working, all contributing to the bills, as I am at home I do the cooking and the cleaning, though they do their own rooms and washing. That works for us.

At 23 he should be thinking of living with you more as a flatmate relationship.. so absolutely be sharing chores.. and cooking his own meals.. what does his actual parent think?.... girlfriend doesnt get an opinion...

Stay at home partner maybe?

Really? If he was on his own, he'd be paying more AND doing all the 'chores'. Some very odd comments on here. I'd assume he's barely covering his cost by whatever he's paying