Would you expect adult stepson to help with household chores if he worked and you didn't?

Omg it’s 1960. Although, my Mum was never like this and we are all good adults

Just to add, better for this young man’s entire life that the op sets standards now and he learns to be more capable and adult. He will have a better chance of getting a decent partner and keeping them, and an round better approach to life.

Mine will be though? They are all single digits and learning they clean up messes, help with washing, shopping etc. I will bring up competent capable adults who will enjoy being grounded at 13 if they think they don’t need to clean a bathroom. They already know we aren’t building an upstairs until they are old enough to tidy and vacuum it and clean the bathroom.
A working 23yo can share house, they won’t starve. I would certainly suggest an entitled working 23yo who thought he could suggest cleaning the bathroom he used was my job could move out.

Then time for some tough loving and tell him to move out. What's DHs views?

Why not? It does them no harm to spend time fending for themselves in the real world of manky shared houses.

One of my adult step DC moved into a grotty bed sit in his early 20’s because he thought he could get away with living in a pigsty but he soon realised that living in a damp dingy flat was no way to live and when he got a new girlfriend, he sorted himself out pretty sharpish.

He’s on mega bucks now and living in a beautiful large flat in London and his girlfriend, now wife, is a Hospital Consultant.

Sometimes youngsters need a dose of reality to help them grow up.

That was the point of my post….🤦🏻‍♀️

Well yes. It shouldn't really matter what OP does with her day. The SS is still an adult living in the house and so should be chipping in with housework.

Who made him the boss of you?

He needs to move out if he isn’t prepared to share in tackling the normal household chores.

I have 2 adult SDC with their own families and when they visit they always share things like food shopping and cooking. It’s what decent people do.

You need to have a conversation with his dad to get him to clarify the Rules of the house to his son. Make it clear that this isn’t up for negotiation.

And if you really believe you'll say that to your own young adult, in a very expensive housing market, you're fooling no one but yourself.

If course they should contribute, but there's no way you'd chuck your son out because he doesn't clean the bathroom.

Let him do his own washing and dishes- only make him dinner if you're making it anyway.

I would say to dh that I will expect more than that from my kids when they are teens and he can either see himself as a contributing member of the household and do some chores and cooking, or he can experience the world of adulthood by renting a place and doing his own cleaning.

Do it your own way and I will do it mine

Does he pay rent? If so, is it there going rate?

That's a DH issue though. DSS isn't responsible for children his Dad had.

DSS should be contributing because he lives there, but not because his Dad had more kids

Good point about Dad. If they both work FT, there's no reason DSS should be expected to do more than DH

DH and I work full time and pay the bills. We don't get to opt out of housekeeping. Why should an adult child?

OP might not be working outside of the home but she is working. She's looking after young children and saving the family a bomb on childcare. If stepson doesn't like it he can get his own place and will be shocked to learn that the house doesn't just clean itself while he's at work all day. Or maybe his girlfriend will be happy to clean up after him since she thinks he shouldn't have to clean because he works.

How much does your DH do around the house? I wonder if this is as much of a DH problem as a DSS problem..? Like father, like son.

If he’s 23, he still has a teenage brain. The brain doesn’t stop developing until the mid to late twenties and the part that controls empathy is one of the last bits to develop 😂 If he’s entitled and selfish, it’s probably down to your DH’s and his DM’s parenting. Maybe you need to spell it out to him like he is a kid, if no one did before.

I don’t agree with him but I can guess his logic. Perhaps all you need is to explain why his logic isn’t actually logical before he becomes a fully fledged selfish, entitled cocklodger.

If he does his own laundry and room, it is no more work for you having him live there than not, is it? He is correct. You need to point out that he benefits from the arrangement more than you (subsidised rent, never needing to cook, less housework than he would living alone or in a house share) whereas you save a little bit on bills but that is offset by having less space. There needs to be some reciprocity.

If he didn’t do family chores when he was a teenager, why should he do them now when he is paying to live there? Which begs the question, why didn’t he do chores? I assume because he wasn’t there full time so you wanted to spend time with him rather than having him clean your home.

Why should he clear up after you and your DC? He shouldn’t but you shouldn’t have to cook and clear up after him. Communal tasks should be split between the 3 adults taking into account that you and your DH are responsible for 4 of the household members and 4/5 of the mess. Cleaning the bathroom weekly sounds very fair.

Does your DH help around the house? If not, he might have a point that if he is expected to do his share, so should your DH… As I said, like father, like son.

If he doesn’t want to clean on his days off, he always has the option that he pays for a cleaner or more rent to cover cleaning.

Or move out.

Of course he should. Every member of a family should do age appropriate housework.

You don't mention how much your DH does around the house? If he leaves all the housework to you then I can see how his son has grown up to see it as 'women's work'. If DH isn't currently pulling his weight that would be the first thing I'd change.

If your DH already does his fair share, he needs to have a serious discussion with his son about expectations.

Why do women end up living in these situations ? Stand up for yourself OP and get your husband and stepson told that you are not the bloody housekeeper.

Of course he should contribute and a weekly clean of the bathroom, which he uses, is far from unreasonable. If you have the right kind of relationship I'd be explaining the rod she's making to GF.

However, these threads always amuse me. We have mothers of 5 & 8 yos, even young teens, where let's face it there's something very wrong if you don't have complete control, being all smug because their DC pick up after themselves and certian that they'd be kicking their 23yo out in the streets if he behaved like this. As if any parent is going to do that when the child's worst crime is a reluctance to do some housework. Some people have a big shock coming.

Now at 23, my DS is becoming a fully functioning adult and pretty good to have around the house. He was also very good at 5, 8 & 13, but I actually found the transition from child to adult the hardest of all the parenting phases.

I think he should be cooking for himself and cleaning up after himself as the default - that includes doing his own laundry etc.

But I do think that you should be doing the vast majority.

His girlfriend agrees with him @orangejuice11 ? Maybe he thinks you’re asking because he’s a step child so just make it clear that you expect the same from everyone. Bet his contribution is lower than renting his own place and if he didn’t live there the bathroom would stay cleaner so - he better get on with it, or go elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, of course they're less stressful, he hasn't got small children!

Do you wash his clothes? Stop!

Is he a clean person in general op? So is the bathroom etc in a mess because of him? Does he put his dishes in the dishwasher? If he does that and if he keeps his room tidy and puts out the bins when needed Id assume that to be all he needs to do, and if he doesn’t I’d tell him there’s a bare minimum requirement in life to not cause further mess for someone else to have to clean up. Especially for his bedroom!! Bare minimum of a bathroom clean but the main clean of the week is assume the sahp to do