School’s handling of neurodiversity

I think it makes a massive difference depending on the school, the teacher and the class. In every class that I have taught in there have been a lot of children with learning difficulties, both diagnosed (25- 35% in all the schools I have worked in) and undiagnosed. There have been children who are coping academically but struggling in other ways, there are children who don’t particularly like the school environment, there are children who are having a tough time at home and then there are a few who are rubbing along quite happily until they have a friendship issue or do badly in a maths test or sports match etc. In an ideal world all the children should be treated as individuals and will have their needs met, but in reality it is a juggling act. You then throw in the personality of the teacher and in some cases their special needs (in our school two teachers are diagnosed with adhd and one with autism) and that has an impact on the classroom dynamic. I think some parents think schools have one or two children with an obvious diagnosed issue and every else just gets on with it, but the reality is far more complicated.

My 6yo has a very very strong sense of "fair". To her at 6, fair means everything has to be exactly the same for everyone all the time always. She'll huff if she thinks her younger sister has more cereal in her bowl, things like that.

It's our job as parents to help her develop a more nuanced understanding of the world. If someone has more cereal, it's not a big deal - if she's still hungry she can just ask for more. Her sister might need more help or have lower expectations wrt behaviour because she's younger and so less capable. A classmate may have accommodations because of a SEN - that's not unfair on DD, it's fair to the classmate as it allows them to join in and learn just like DD.

These lessons aren't learned in a single conversation, you have to keep at it. Many adults struggle with the concept (unfortunately). But it's your lesson to teach as parents, not the school's.

This.

Quite frankly, I’m surprised that OP’s NT 8 year old doesn’t understand why she can’t take her bunny to school. My DS has a school friend who has ADHD. Right from infants my DS knew that his friend was allowed to stay in the classroom at break times when he needed to be away from other kids, and my DS wasn’t. He just accepted it.

Time for some strong parenting here, OP. Spell things out to your DD and make it clear that you won’t entertain any complaining on this point.

Yep I thought this as well. I know in general there's a push within the autistic community for identity-first language to be used (so autistic rather than person with autism) - but that's acknowledging that autism is part of someone's identity, which is a hell of a lot different than ASD daughter saying "autistic spectrum disorder daughter".

My kiddo's autistic, she's not an autistic spectrum disorder - and in fact I tend to refer to her as "having autism" because my view is that it's up to HER as she grows up how much of her identity she decides is linked to autism... whereas I do refer to myself as an autistic adult as part of the choice I've made.... but this is basically an "ask the person how they want it to be referred as" situation to cover all bases.

@Itsmyshadow

My colleague and I have noticed that children are much 'kinder' to classmates with a clear and distinct difference. For example, we have a child who would perhaps have been in alternative provision (special school) five years ago, whose needs were have been deemed to be able to meet. The children are very friendly to him and he's a real character around school. However, an autistic girl who masks heavily might be deemed 'weird' and attract far more negativity (which we would obviously seek to nip in the bud).

It seems very unfair.

Goady as fuck.

My daughter doesn't "present" as needing extra support - she bloody well needs it though and thankfully we'll work with school to make as sure as possible that she doesn't get into a situation at school where her need for this becomes visible - in that she's well regulated, as relaxed as she can be when she's a raging ball of anxiety, and not having meltdowns as a result.

Those fiddle toys - stop her wriggling, squirming, faffing with stuff that's on desks and knocking that onto the floor thus disrupting the class. Her friend who has a teddy with him - stops him having a meltdown as he can rub his face with it to soothe. The sensory breaks mean that when they start feeling "fizzy" they can leave the room before it becomes an explosion... thus - they're not placed in situations which make things disruptive for the class and extremely distressing for the child concerned. I'm also an adult autistic myself - while I appear professional, articulate and well-regulated... if you saw me in a meltdown state - you'd be shocked at the change - and meltdowns feel absolutely bloody awful and take an age to de-escalate from - so trying to reduce them to as minimal as possible is a win/win for all concerned.

I'd be more concerned if by the time I had a child in Y4 that they weren't able to show empathy and consideration to peers who need different supports to themselves... most kids master understanding that much earlier on. I'd also take the "not involved in the nastiness" bit with a pinch of salt if she feels able to slag these kids off like this to you at home.

As for kids being nasty - DD2 is absolutely the sweetest young lady you'd meet, kind, considerate, well behaved (her anxieties are all about making others happy and following rules) - and some of the stuff she's had directed at her is vile - from both kids and their mothers (about reasonable adjustments she was allowed as well). She had parents going up to school during covid when bags weren't allowed into the classroom kicking right off that she was allowed a backpack - she had a bloody broken arm and poor motor skills anyway so couldn't carry her reading book etc in by hand but they kicked off about "fairness" regardless... just utterly low level petty shit (and it was bloody obvious why when she's coming out with an arm in plaster)

I'm a primary teacher and a parent of autistic DC. I teach KS1 and, if I have permission from the DC who requires additional adjustments and their parents, then I always explain to the class that some children find x, y or z more difficult and that's why things are sometimes different for them. I reinforce what rewards are available to everyone in the class.

Some of the children who have been meanest to my "weird" DD come across as lovely and hard working to others. Doesn't mean they aren't unkind when backs are turned.

The term 'ASD daughter' is awful 😬

Not bringing in toys is often on the list of information parents sign up to when they enrol their child into school.Foundation children are able to come to school without a teddy tucked under their arm so most NT children in KS2 will be able to too.

I work in a primary school. Very few children in KS2 want or need a bunny on their desk.

OMG @Bitt3rMoon - grown ups need sentimental items! I am surprised you could say that about an 8 year old

School is about learning. Learning that some people need extra support to get to the same level as you is part of that. If someone else is allowed teddies on their desk/fidget toys and you don't understand why then you should be able to ask that question. Having the answer explained for you properly is your right - and should help you be more able to understand how different we all are.

It's another learning opportunity to be able to explain or articulate that maybe you would like a teddy on your desk; and I personally am all for that conversation - I can see lots of reasons as an adult that I'd like a teddy on my desk... actually I don't have one, but maybe I'd find it reassuring?

Having a child with SEN and 2 'NT' DCs I've seen the strategies that can be used , and they sure as eggs are just as useful with Nt kids.

I work in a Year 1 class with some children with very complex needs. Nearly all of the other children are very understanding of why x needs to do something when they don’t. We don’t make a song and dance of it just reiterate when needed about people being different.

I'm a secondary SENDCo. I think primary teachers are becoming more aware of how ND might present in girls, however, girls internalise their traits and this leads to overwhelming anxiety and things tend to come crashing down at secondary. Teachers tend to see 'good girls' rather than 'anxious girls'.

Children are very aware of fairness. We try to teach them about reasonable adjustments in an age-appropriate way, but if a ND child presents as 'normal' (in the children's eyes), then any accommodations will make them stand out. It's really tricky.

The best thing you can do is reassure your own children that some children have additional needs that aren't visible, and there could be any reason why a child needs something in class which they don't have.

This is like complaining that kids with serious mobility issues shouldn't be allowed a wheelchair in case kids who don't need one get jealous.

The parents and teachers of the jealous kids can talk about how different people have different needs, and then crack down on any bullying. That seems a better solution than denying access to the things the neurodiverse kids need.

It takes a little time and may have challenges whilst it embeds in foundation but these children are in KS2.

And pointing out that a self portrait isn’t being done accurately isn’t unkind. It’s blunt( which can be common with autism) but it’s not unkind. Unkind is complaining about reasonable adjustments and disability aids.

As a SENCo, you should understand that it is difficult for children and adults to understand reasonable adjustments that can just seem like toys. It takes time to embed the idea of fidget toys supporting regulation as opposed to just being fun, the OP is questioning if this is t being handled well by the school, not that it shouldn’t happen. As a SENCo I am actually quite shocked by your attitude. Everyone has to have empathy and consideration for your daughter, but the feelings of another child are invalid? You need to have a look at yourself.

She has issues that aren’t the problem or the responsibility of the disabled children in her class if she wants her bunny on her desk at 8.

It’s not leading to other issues because in society people have to accept that reasonable adjustments like wheelchairs, sensory aids etc are necessary.

There was a thread on here where a poster couldn't understand why her typical child who waa excelling in everything couldn't have a 1:1 to stretch her even more ,you couldn't make it up.

It's called msking reasonable adjustments so thst those with a disability can be more equal
Would you also complain if somebody in a wheelchair was allowed a ramp ?

Some children need adjustments to be able to cope with the school day. That’s not special treatment or a privilege- it’s the basics they need to access education.

You remind me of the parent who complained my child gets 1-1 from a TA and her child didn’t. Apparently it wasn’t fair.