Or is this unforgivable?

You and any future children deserve better they this despicable man but you are asking the right kind of questions to decide what to do.

The infidelity would be unforgivable for me on its own but the thing that really stands out is that he had a woman move country to be with him and when he got fed up of her he lied to her and cancelled her visa forcing her to leave without him having the backbone to end the relationship in an honourable and honest way. What an utterly vile way to treat another person.

I can't understand the pressure you may receive from your family but I know this man will bring you more misery than you can imagine. I think your choice is between the lesser of two evils. Do you think your family will make your life hell forever? This man will.

No not my life. Just a lot of ‘I told you sos’ and ‘you’ve made your beds’ etc. but in a quite nasty, dehumanising way.

Im already in a huge amount of mental anguish as a result of my husbands betrayal, so very wary of adding even more pain on top of that.

I can imagine that being difficult and your reluctance to go face the criticism but everyone is allowed to make mistakes OP and I doubt that family's reaction will be worse than spending years of your precious life with a man that has already checked out of your marriage and you can't trust.

I think that we make decisions using the information we have available at the time.

Had you known everything about him and the utterly diabolical way he treats women his previous relationships, I doubt that you would have married him, but you didn't know, he kept that from you.

Know you do know it's time to make the best decision with the new information that you have.

I think you deserve more.

no matter what he says to you now or in the future, leopards don’t change their spots. Effectively, while you stay with him he knows you accept his behaviour and this gives him permission to continue. If he’s “checked out” of your relationship, him saying he wants to work things out holds as much truth as what he told those other women. It’s a lie.
If that’s how you want the rest of your life, stay. If you want to raise children within a loving relationship, go and find one. This is not a loving and mutually respectful relationship.
Your family may be performatively disappointed, but how can they expect you to stay with someone so disrespectful? Do what is right for you, and look forward to a life with fewer regrets.

So sorry you're going through this OP . The others are right, he lied to you and to them. He'll probably do it again. Is that the kind of marriage you want?

I had a not dissimilar situation. I hadn't married him but he moved in with me. The lies just kept coming out slowly over time with him admitting nothing except what became so obvious he had to, and he would say it meant nothing, he chose me, his ex needed to be handled carefully, he wasn't like that any more.

He was still with her for months after we got together despite telling me they'd been separated two years. He went to the other country 'to get his belongings' but it turned out he stayed with the ex as she thought he had moved country for work but they were still together. There were many other lies too, about property and children and work.

I tried to forgive and move on (sunk cost fallacy) but just didn't trust a word he said. We limped on once the discoveries started coming out but it was never the same. I had no respect for him and that filters through every part of the relationship.

I should have ended it at the first revelation, not let it go on for another four years and I really regret that time now. It caused so much heartache, there's no trust and no respect, you can't believe anything they say about the past or their feelings for you now as it's all tainted. The history of how you got together and those early times aren't what you thought they were so your shared history is sad instead of happy memories.

Put yourself first, OP. And don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. You know you're with a selfish, lying man who says what he needs to get what he wants, so be careful about how he manipulates you.

Each time I’ve found something out, he’s reluctantly admitted that and denied anything else. But then there’s been more. There may well be even more that I still don’t know of.

This is what would worry me. If he’s lied this many times, he could well do it all again. And if he can treat more than one woman this badly, he can do the same to you.

If you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place it doesn’t sound great whatever you do. However I’d definitely opt for leaving him and face the family backlash. Could you imagine how miserable you would be living with him and spending time with him knowing what sort of a man he is? You wouldn’t get no space and if you can’t forgive it you’d be so miserable

That’s very true. For OPs sanity alone perhaps this is best to be walked away from.

I would contact relate to talk about this further with him and the impact it has on you and makes you feel. You should contact them together.
If he is not prepared to at least talk it through with someone then I think you have your answer. Your family may well give you the "we told you so" speech but that won't last long and a lifetime of misery in an untrusting marriage does. It becomes harder to leave the longer you stay sadly

I'm so sorry to hear what he's put you though.

I would cut your losses now. I know that's easy for me to say. Whether you do it now, or in 20 years, you will still have face the attitude of your family, so that's not a reason to delay.

My thoughts are that he won't change. This is long term deception. It's very likely to happen again.

I don't think this is a man with good morals or conscience, and I don't believe that it is something you can suddenly develope in your middle age. He hasn't learnt anything because he isn't emotionally intelligent enough to learn. This means he's not marriage or parent material unfortunately. I wish he had been more transparent with you before you got married but at least you have found out before you got pregnant (if that's what you want) and you can get out fairly unscathed. You have also most likely only found the tip of the iceberg, there is no doubt lots more to come if you choose to stay and the longer you stay the harder it will be to get out because you would have invested even more into this poor excuse of a man.

I know it's easy for me to say, but please don't think about what your family will think about you leaving him, they will come around eventually. You have to remember that you are the most important person in your life.

You did not know he was someone who lied repeatedly and thinks so little of women that he believes his behaviour is acceptable. You believed he was honest and trustworthy when you married. He married you under false pretences. This is what you say to the silly bollocks of you made your bed so lie in it.
His behaviour is unacceptable, divorce him and be done. Onwards and upwards.
Hopefully your family will come round but going any further with this man could see you locked in to years of misery and bullshit, you will spend your life second guessing as to whether or not he's having an affair.

You only get one life, OP. Don't waste it on this man.

And if you want kids, which it sounds like you do, one of the worst things you could do for them would be to give them a father like this.

I know family pressure can be intense but frankly, if they would rather you stayed with a man like this then lose face, screw them.

If they say, "I told you so", just shrug your shoulders and say, "Yes, you did. Is it raining?" Don't rise to it and give them a reaction.

Do not get pregnant with this man.

Give yourself some time to process how much you trust him.
I suspect that is very little and you'll realise you can't spend the rest of your life with him.

Unless you're financially dependent on your family and will need to live with them, now is the time to show them the strong independent woman they have raised. I think you might be surprised at how supportive they are when you explain what a scumbag you married.

There's very little reason for you to stay in the marriage. He is not the man you thought he was. Lies, betrayals, hurt whilst downplaying your hurt is all you will get from him. Can you spend the rest of your life with a man who thinks so little of you? He is not taking responsibility for his actions - he's saying it's not a big deal.

Don't let the culture stop you from doing what you need to do get out of this relationship. It'll be hard, but less painful than staying.

OP, you sound as if you have your head screwed on properly. You’re mature enough to be married, and you have a job in which you make life and death decisions for people, by the sounds of it.

Let this version of you make this decision - not the parentally/culturally conditioned part. I know that won’t be easy, but neither will living your life with a man who will in all likelihood ruin it. How are you ever going to be able to relax and trust him, knowing how he lied to you with such ease?

I have to agree with you. It is possible to forgive one mistake but, in his case, it seems to be systematic and I would be uncomfortable with the idea of looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.
I think you nailed in in your earlier reply. It's a mismatch of moral values. Even if he never cheats again, his moral values will reveal themselves in other areas of your life. It's a non-starter for me.

There is NO WAY I’d stay.

He cancelled her visa and continued this relationship for a year after we met 😵‍💫😱😱😱

these are not the actions of a normal person, he is a cold cold man and you should be very worried about what he is capable of.

Run don’t walk…..
you have a whole life ahead of you don’t waste it on him and certainly don’t have children with him even if you stay.

this guy has no character and no moral fibre.

Agree with this

Your whole relationship and marriage is based on lies. That's awful.

And like you say, you don't even know if you've got the full truth yet.

I think if you stay, he will break you. Him cancelling his ex partners visa is the action of a very cold, cruel person. The multiple girlfriends and the rest of it point to someone for whom deception is a way of life. The person you know isn't real, he doesn't think of women as people, they are just useful to him, until they are not, and then they are discarded.

You don't need this level of complication and uncertainty. If you stay in this marriage your mental health will be negatively impacted. It's been a year, get out. Don't have children with him. Deal with the fall out and start your life again. He is not a partner for life.

He is just vile and his behaviour is simply not excusable or capable of being explained away. As humiliating or embarrassing as it is you need to get out of this marriage asap and get an STD checkup.

Him not having a 'cards on the table' moment where he was honest about everything suggests to me it's a given he'll continue to be unfaithful. He's cheated multiple times with different women, so seems incapable of being in a monogamous relationship

In yours shoes, I would try to find a way to deal with the fallout from your family and breakup with him. There are plenty of men out there who don't cheat, so I don't see what you would gain by staying with this one, who has basically cheated from day one. The first few years of a relationship shouldn't be this difficult.

I'm so sorry OP. Big hugs to you.

He's shown you what he's capable of. It's despicable behaviour, not just towards you but towards these other women too. You will never be able to trust him, and never is a long time.