Or is this unforgivable?

Completely unforgivable. Even before bringing the ex ex stuff in. Simply no way you can trust a man who has done these things.

I am really sorry OP, awful behaviour by him.

I am a bit confused when you write - ‘She moved in with him a few months after we met, and lived with him at least 6 months (possibly more as this was during covid, I don’t know for sure).’. Are you saying you didn’t know he was living for 6 months with his ex ex whilst he was in a relationship with you? Did you not visit him at his home during that time?

I would not stay in a marriage with a man who had treated me so despicably, @AbominablePloughMan - you would be far, far better off without him.

And you are absolutely right - his behaviour is unforgiveable.

I'm not sure what YABU/YANBU mean in this context, but would strongly advise you to leave this man as he's playing you, like he seems to be playing every woman he meets. At best, he's a cheating lowlife twat. At worst, there's some kind of con involved. Either way, get out while you have your sanity intact. This won't end well for you.

Just pack your bags and leave
He sounds untrustworthy.a liar and manipulative
You'll never get the real truth out of him ever
We get one life leave and start over again and be happy

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it sounds very difficult and must be extremely upsetting. If you stay with him, I think you are essentially giving him permission to carry on with this sort of behaviour for the rest of your relationship. It also would not surprise me if there are more revelations to come. Yes it will be a challenge to deal with the family fallout because of the cultural expectations but surely they will want you to lead a happy and uncomplicated life away from this man who basically has no respect and consideration for you.

My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative.

This is key. Of course it isn’t nothing, he was cheating on you and at least 2 other women. AND he is not taking responsibility. He has not said “I am so sorry, I lied, I betrayed you, I have caused you hurt and upset and betrayed your trust “, he has instead attempted to gaslight you into believing you are wrong for over reacting.

So you are caught between him blaming yiu, and your parents blaming you.

Gaslighting undermines your confidence in yourself.

This is what I would advise:
Put yourself in a position where you are not reliant on support from either your cheating lying H OR your family. Get a therapist. Hurl yourself into your job and do all you can to get promotion and increased salary. Strengthen friendships, find one or two RL friends to confide in and tell them you need their help and support.

Divorce your H.

Have a range of responses prepared for your family. “I have done nothing wrong, I was lied to” “yes, you did warn me, and you were right. I now need support not blame” “yes you did warn me, as it happens you were right. But let’s be clear here: it is his behaviour that has destroyed our marriage, not his colour”

I have had some extended family contact with The family / cultural expectations you describe, and it was all right in the end. The comments won’t last as long as the way you wil feel if you stay in this marriage.

And actually, you have little choice. If he has checked out, call the shots before he does. Take control.

You will have much to congratulate yourself on no matter what anyone else thinks.

Good luck OP.

My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative. He can be kind but is also very conflict avoidant and a people pleaser, and can be quite selfish in his decisions, as this clearly shows. Ever since I found out about the more recent ex, he seems to have checked out of our marriage, but says he wants to work on things.

Well of course he's said that, he might even think on some level that it's true but men like this are rarely honest with themselves, let alone anyone else, because that would mean opening themselves up to shame and regret and they don't tolerate those feelings.

Let his actions, not words be your guide. He "chose" you, but for how long? His choices are clearly temporary and arbitrary.

He seems to have checked out because to remain committed to you & your relationship would mean to take responsibility not just for his past actions, but for his present & future actions. This he will not do. Nothing is his fault. He doesn't do shame, regret or guilt. He does his way or no way.

You've already noticed this: that he has now started stringing you along, too. If you don't end it, he will keep stringing you along until he finds someone else to manipulate, who won't attempt to make him be accountable for himself.

Do you have good friends around you, @AbominablePloughMan ? Now is the time to rely on them rather than the family you didn't choose.

When your family berate you, hold your head high & remember: it's their ignorance not yours.

You are not stupid, or naive op. You fell in love and didn't rush things...3 years you gave to him before marriage. Your family's barbs don't matter, have confidence in your own independence and inner strength, in your ability to do what is right for yourself. Your family will clearly find reason to criticise you whatever you do and they'll find out about him eventually. Better to cut your losses now rather than wait until their insults have a decade to gather strength to wound.

When we free ourselves from a poisonous relationship (a marriage in your case), we discover strength & resilience we didn't know we had. It's shit and then it's over and we build a new, better, healthier life for ourselves.

Let your family sneer, dump this awful man who has deceived you before he can cause you more pain. You'll come through it and as you, you will find the strength to distance yourself from your family's nastiness, too.

A new life awaits you, you know it does. ❤️

I hear you and I’m sorry you feel this way but let’s just switch the energy now and think positively. You had enough BS! Think that you are lucky to find this out now while you don’t have any children or assets together. Much easier to escape this situation. As for the cultural aspect, I understand (I’m in one myself too) but at the end you do your life. Your family loves you and eventually will get over it and be by your side, if not, they might not deserve to be by your side then. Don’t let anyone disrespect you, nor partner, family or random people. You do you, don’t let this situation change your perspective about one race or relationship in general. You seem like a sweet person and you deserve to be loved the way you love. Enjoy some “you” time now and everything will go to its place. What sometimes looks like the worse thing is actually the best. Maybe there is a trip waiting for you, new friends or the real prince! So be ready, the best is yet to come. Be strong!

I recall my husband saying to me after I had found out about his womanising - you won, I chose you!!!

To this day I don’t know how I managed to say to him (I was heartbroken) - the only thing I won was the booby prize.

I was crying, I thought I’d die I was so sad after our then 36 years together but when I said it to him I started laughing. I must have been like a mad woman, laughing, crying, snots tripping me, the whole shebang. But at that moment I knew I’d hit the nail right on the head.

Op, don’t ever settle for the booby prize even❤️

Sign him up for 90 Day Fiance Uk. What a creep.

You want kids. You know you can't bring kids into this mess, it would not be fair. So you also know deep down this marriage has to end.
You do not need to end your marriage immediately. You can take the time to plan and get things in order before you say anything to him. Is there anyone you know who could be there to support you and help you plan to leave?

I haven’t RTFT but

1. run don’t walk
2. please book yourself in for an STI check if you’ve been sleeping with this man.

Look, you may be married, but there’s no kids or enmeshed finances - yet.

He had an opportunity to come clean after the first revelation but didn’t. He’s underplayed his “badness” at every turn, so doesn’t accept responsibility.

He cancelled the other woman’s visa - that’s cold - I mean, really cold.

He’s going back and forth to her country attending events as her partner. Is this the kind of place where an unmarried woman can go round with a foreign partner - could he actually be presenting as her husband or even married her over there? (I may be reading too many crime novels - apologies).

he’s making you unhappy and question your grip on what’s genuine, reasonable and doubt your self worth. If this is the case and you don’t trust him please leave now instead of going further into a morass of lies.

I also think him “checking out of the marriage” after you found out is telling - some people can’t cope with falling off their pedestal/being seen without their mask as Mr Marvellous in the eyes of their loved ones; when this happens they can abandon the relationship mentally as they are mo longer being perceived as “perfect”.

Your family should support you, and it will surely be easier for them if there are no children involved and he is the “wrongdoer”. You get one life - you can’t remain unhappy just to satisfy appearances. Good luck xx

I'm sorry that you feel between a rock and a hard place. But when you look to the future, staying with him will have far worse ramifications. As a pp said these are not the actions of a normal person, he is a cold cold man and you should be very worried about what he is capable of.

Option 1: Stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust, allow your confidence and mental health to erode, start a family and trap yourself to him forever.

Option 2: Free yourself from this man, preserve your mental health and give youself a chance at happiness with someone who deserves you

The family apsect shouldn't feature. They will be disappointed if you leave but they are disappointed with your choice on man anyway, so either way you can't win in their eyes.

There's clearly only one option

If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, pick what YOU want, not everyone else

Do you really want a man you can never trust?

You’re not being irrational. Those things are unacceptable.

I would say leave him, and tell your family factually and unemotionally, say that you will not be entering into any dialogue about your naivety or anything similar and if anyone tries, you will leave the room/ end the call etc. Then stick to that rigidly.

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I hope the future is kinder.

"I know I will be blamed for this no matter what he has done"

Who has conditioned you this way OP?

Who has led you to believe that when someone else commits a wrongdoing, it is your fault? That you're to blame?

If someone else does try blame you, what does that matter when you know you didn't cause this, and couldn't have prevented it?

Are you willing to sit and listen to someone use this opportunity while you're hurt to stick the knife in and twist it, or do you have enough self-respect not to tolerate it?

Are you in an environment where no matter what goes wrong, it's always your fault? That's emotional abuse, and you don't deserve it.

He chose to marry you without your full informed consent. As he knew if you knew, you wouldn't have done it. That's an absolutely unforgiveable abuse, frankly.

He thought so little of you, he was happy to carry on with other woman behind your back, exposing you to diseases, so he could take his sweet time deciding which women he deigned as worthy of his commitment and fidelity.

He does not love or respect you, and staying will only fuel this. We teach others how to treat us. If now you know about this you choose to stay, he will absolutely 100% cheat again and again, knowing you have no self respect or backbone and knowing you believe your are worthy of such a despicable partner.

Family... well, family who love you will want what's best for you. If they use this as an excuse to lay into you with 'I told you so' then they aren't worth your time, and you should distance yourself. No decent loving person would respond to a loved one's trauma and heartache with 'I told you so!', don't fall into the silly trap of excusing this because of 'culture' without recognising the generational trauma, control, and bitterness that can be woven into one's culture.

If your family would rather you remain with a cheat, unhappy, for the rest of your life, potentially lumbering your kids with this man as a father? Then they're not family. They are related to you but certainly not people who love you and want the best for you.

It's easy and more palatable to pretend this was a mistake, because it ignores the fact that he made an active informed decision again and again and again to betray your trust and deny you knowledge you deserved to make decisions about your life.

This man is a monster and it may take some time to acknowledge that he isn't the sweet loving husband you thought you were getting, but the sooner you do the better off you'll be and the faster you can move on with your life.

I agree with what others have said . I don't think you should waste any more of your time with your H . You don't have kids so you need to get out now .

I don't think you should be swayed by the fact that he chose you and married you over the others - this must have suited him at the time .

This is not just one woman but multiple women he has cheated on you with but also acted despicably and cruelly towards them . This is not a decent man .

If he has cheated previously statistically he will likely do so . I think also it is very telling that he did not engage with the joint counselling for you .

I know it will be difficult with your family but at least you will have made the break with him and have a better future . If you stay with him he will only continue to cheat and treat you badly . As you will also have shown him that he can do so .

You can't change the past and any decisions that you made then . You did so with the right intentions as you were obviously in love with him and believed the version of himself that he presented to you. You now know that this was a facade .

You can and need to change your present and future to find a decent person to have a family with ( if that's what you want ) .

You can't change his character . This is not a "blip" but someone who is able to deceive and cheat continuously .
Take care .

OP, you said your mum may be a narcissist and father enabler. You were in a bad position in terms of seeing red flags, you trusted the wrong man just like you have trusted your mother before.

The truth about him is painful, but it will become less painful the moment you’re rid of him, and can breathe a sigh of relief, despite your parents’ abuse. Reduce contact with them while they’re hurting you.

Exactly this. I'd be out of there now, however.

It's sounds OP like you moved from a narcissist mother to a narcissist OH - pretending to be lovely and pretending to do things for other people's benefit, never to blame for anything, needing constant attention from as many sources as possible, lies as easily as breathing, gas lights you till you have no idea what's true and what's not - your OH is ticking a few boxes don't you think?

Unfortunately I don't think it's that unusual when you've had a narcissist for a parent. Of course you need leave, you need to put yourself first and not any of these people who will suck the life out of you.

What a horrible, selfish man.

Your whole relationship is based on a lie. You married a lie. This is a man who thinks other people are just side characters in his life. He will always manipulate people and situations for his benefit. You won't ever be able to trust him because he doesn't believe other people's needs matter. You just know as soon as your use to him lessens, he will go find other people to please him. And he won't tell you because your right to the truth isn't important. I couldn't live like that. It's a relief that you don't have children with him. It makes leaving so much easier. Don't let your fear of "I told you so" keep you down.