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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this unforgivable?

215 replies

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 07:18

I’ve been married a year. Knew my husband for 3 years before we married.

Shortly after we married I found out that when we had met, he was still in a relationship. He had checked out of the relationship with the ex, but had kept her on the hook for almost 2 years while looking for something better. 6 months before we met, he had cancelled her visa (it was a partner visa linked to him) and she had been forced to move back to her home country. He told me they were broken up, but in reality they were still speaking every day and she was very much under the impression that he was looking for a job in her country. He continued this relationship for a year after we met until she got fed up and met someone else.

This came so soon after the wedding that I was knocked for 6. My husband convinced me that he had no feelings for her and was only continuing the relationship because she was mentally fragile and suicidal. It was only on the phone and it meant nothing. I agreed to try to get over it. I’m from a conservative culture and had to face a lot of opposition for marrying a white man. I was ashamed of losing face with my community. I’ve posted about this bit before. Now there’s more.

I have now found out that he had been visiting this ex in her home country and been sleeping with her, and attended weddings with her as a couple. I’ve seen messages sexting and wishing each other happy anniversaries months and months after he started dating me. This was all during covid, I wasn’t really keeping track of his movements, he told me he was attending the weddings alone.

In addition, I have also found out that a year before he met me he rekindled a relationship with a previous ex, also while still with the more recent ex. The ex ex agreed to move her work location and come to the UK. She moved in with him a few months after we met, and lived with him at least 6 months (possibly more as this was during covid, I don’t know for sure). He says he broke up with her before she arrived, but had to let her live in his spare room as she had moved for him and had nowhere else to go (not true, her job would have provided her paid accommodation). Even if it’s true they were broken up while living together, he had cheated on his more recent ex for 2 years with two different girls while stringing her along. He was also in two serious relationships when he met me, and started another relationship with me. He cheated on me for at least one year with at least one girl after we met.

Please be gentle. My head is all over the place and I don’t know what’s real and fake any more. My husband has dismissed the whole thing saying they meant nothing, it was a mistake, he chose me not them etc. etc. It doesn’t feel like nothing, it feels very very cruel and manipulative. He can be kind but is also very conflict avoidant and a people pleaser, and can be quite selfish in his decisions, as this clearly shows. Ever since I found out about the more recent ex, he seems to have checked out of our marriage, but says he wants to work on things.

We’ve been married for a year. No kids no joint assets. AIBU in thinking that this is very very wrong? Or have I lost all perspective and it was early in the relationship so I should let it go? What on earth could possibly justify what he did? What could he have been thinking?

Due to family and cultural stuff, I need to think about what I do very carefully. I’m not saying that I agree with the cultural bullshit, just that my family will make life hell for me if I leave, but I may well be in a hellish marriage, so I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 15/08/2024 17:53

(*If you have kids with him then he will be part of your life for as long as you both live, as you would need to share access to the kids after you split up).

Aria999 · 15/08/2024 17:52

At least you don't have kids with him and you're not pregnant.

Good luck untangling it all. I hope you meet someone nice and normal after the dust has settled.

Bangwam1 · 15/08/2024 17:16

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 07:46

I don’t know if ‘many men’ doing it makes it ok. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s so dishonest, I would never in my wildest dreams do such a thing. It’s this huge mismatch in moral values that I’m worried about.

I could stay due to parental pressure but I could never truly trust him again. Could I knowingly give my kids such a dishonest father?

Show quote history

Have children with this man and they will grow up and become abused (female) or abuser (male).

Sorry to be so blunt but you’re very casual about this. The man you’re with has 0 respect and love for you. Your family and their control over you is an extension of why you chose this horrible man.

Choose life

Bangwam1 · 15/08/2024 17:11

Wow! Run and never look back. This man will never stop doing this.

Married a year and no kids. Run.

MandyFriend · 15/08/2024 17:06

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is for the best you have found out now, before you had children with this person or you would never be able to get rid of him! Please don't feel it's your responsibility for not seeing through his lies, as he was clearly well practised by the time he met you and caught you in his web!
From personal experience, I divorced my narcissist first husband and met and married a lovely man and we had two little girls together. I won't tell you it was all sunshine and roses, but it's 33 years later and we're still going strong! (& our "little" girls are 24 and 27!)

LifeExperience · 15/08/2024 15:39

You can't stay with someone who has not respect for you or any other woman, and if your culture says you should stay, then you will have to break with your cultural norms. Plenty of other women have done it, and the freedom you feel will be worth a few nasty comments.

TeaGinandFags · 15/08/2024 15:19

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:42

The last year has been hell for me. I’ve spent a lot of time convinced that I’m a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist. He’s turned it all around on me, saying that he’s checked out because I’ve been constantly angry and on the edge of my tether with him.

Too bloody right you've been angry with him. He'd try the patience of a saint!

Keep up with the individual therapy because you said it's helping.

Kick him to the kerb and divorce the arse off him. Remind him of all the terrible ways he described you and you wouldn't want him to put up with that a moment longer.

Tell parents that he died and refuse to discuss further.. No one can complain if you're a widow. Black is sooo slimming, I find. If he ever gets in contact with them, inform him that it's on the cards.

ChateauMargaux · 15/08/2024 15:14

Be your own best friend, what would you tell her to do?

Practice your answers or script for your parents. I am sorry if you think I have let you and the family down, but I cannot stay in this marriage. This is not how I had hoped my marriage would be, nor is this what I would have wanted. We have explored many options including therapy but have reached a point where we have no option but to separate. I hope you will support me, but whatever your wishes are, the decision has been made.

And then.. I can see that you are upset / angry / disappointed, but I do not wish to discuss this anymore.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/08/2024 15:00

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:42

The last year has been hell for me. I’ve spent a lot of time convinced that I’m a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist. He’s turned it all around on me, saying that he’s checked out because I’ve been constantly angry and on the edge of my tether with him.

Well what does he expect when he's cheated in you with multiple women and lied about it? For you to be happy as Larry?

If I were his wife his balls would no longer be attached to his body so I think you've been remarkably chilled about it.

Time to show him what angry really looks like.

Your relationship isn't failing because of your anger.

You are angry because of what he has done to your relationship.

Keep repeating that to yourself every time he tries to gaslight you into believing this is your fault.

Conniebygaslight · 15/08/2024 14:45

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:36

So many of these responses resonate with what I’ve been feeling in my gut - that he has treated these women abominably, he will not hesitate to treat me the same, he married me because it worked for him at the time, and now that it is no longer working, because I can’t stand him, he will discard and move on. He is looking out only for himself, he is selfish and lacking empathy, he takes no responsibility for his actions and is now playing the victim (they were fragile, I’m full of rage and driving him away). He truly believes he was in the right, and therefore is not capable of change. He has shown no genuine remorse or guilt, he is sorry he has been found out.

My parents will insist I give him another chance, but I think I already did that. Things would have been different even if he had come fully clean then. They will zero in on the fact that he chose me - but I’m convinced that means nothing. As I said, he checked out very soon after the first round of cheating came to light.

Thank you also to those who have validated the fact that my boundaries are shit because I have had nothing but shit from my parents. I’m still coming to terms, through therapy, the extent of the abuse I suffered. Neglect, verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting, misogyny. We are well off middle-class, it’s so hard to admit.

I've kept his secret for long enough, but I’ve started to confide in a few. My brother and trusted friends are horrified.

This is utterly painful, but as people have said, I can’t have kids with him, so wanting kids is irrelevant to my next steps.

We’re all here for you OP. He sounds like a narcissist too. If your parents care about appearance more than the wellbeing of their daughter, they should be ashamed of themselves.
Look at all of the babies that were dragged from the arms of unmarried mothers in the 50s 60s & 70s because of appearances, look at the damage that was done. Please live your life for you, not for people who care more about saving face. Seek any support you can.

Original poster
AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:42

The last year has been hell for me. I’ve spent a lot of time convinced that I’m a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist. He’s turned it all around on me, saying that he’s checked out because I’ve been constantly angry and on the edge of my tether with him.

OP posts:
Zotter · 15/08/2024 14:40

Thanks for explaining Abominableploughman. You did nothing wrong. As you said you had no reason to believe that he wasn’t being 100% transparent with you at the time. It’s all on him.

Original poster
AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:36

So many of these responses resonate with what I’ve been feeling in my gut - that he has treated these women abominably, he will not hesitate to treat me the same, he married me because it worked for him at the time, and now that it is no longer working, because I can’t stand him, he will discard and move on. He is looking out only for himself, he is selfish and lacking empathy, he takes no responsibility for his actions and is now playing the victim (they were fragile, I’m full of rage and driving him away). He truly believes he was in the right, and therefore is not capable of change. He has shown no genuine remorse or guilt, he is sorry he has been found out.

My parents will insist I give him another chance, but I think I already did that. Things would have been different even if he had come fully clean then. They will zero in on the fact that he chose me - but I’m convinced that means nothing. As I said, he checked out very soon after the first round of cheating came to light.

Thank you also to those who have validated the fact that my boundaries are shit because I have had nothing but shit from my parents. I’m still coming to terms, through therapy, the extent of the abuse I suffered. Neglect, verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting, misogyny. We are well off middle-class, it’s so hard to admit.

I've kept his secret for long enough, but I’ve started to confide in a few. My brother and trusted friends are horrified.

This is utterly painful, but as people have said, I can’t have kids with him, so wanting kids is irrelevant to my next steps.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 15/08/2024 14:34

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:03

And then I close the door to marrying/dating outside my culture ever again.

I can’t date within my culture, the misogyny is too prevalent, the likelihood of marrying a chauvinist mummy’s boy is just too high. Tbh, what I ended up with was probably worse than anything men of my background could have thrown at me.

Show quote history

Thats really not true, that you can’t ever date outside your culture again. That is a choice you think you have to make to keep people sweet but as you get older you will realize its a complete waste of time trying to please people who don’t care (can’t or won’t care) about making you happy.

The question isn’t what you do after you throw this dead fish of a man overboard. You have to do that anyway now that you know he is a sociopath who lies like he breathes. He is simply not safe to be in any kind of relationship with.

The question of how and with whom you date can be left to another stage after you get shed of mr. Plausible lies.

Dont write off all men, or all white men, on the basis of being burned once or twice a lovely person of some identity—even from your own community-is out there somewhere. When you find the right person you can tell your family to get lost.

Original poster
AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:22

Zotter · 15/08/2024 12:48

I am really sorry OP, awful behaviour by him.

I am a bit confused when you write - ‘She moved in with him a few months after we met, and lived with him at least 6 months (possibly more as this was during covid, I don’t know for sure).’. Are you saying you didn’t know he was living for 6 months with his ex ex whilst he was in a relationship with you? Did you not visit him at his home during that time?

This is correct. It was during covid. He insisted on coming to mine mostly (claimed that a ‘colleague’ had to be temporarily accommodated in his flat. I was allowed over at times, presumably when she was away, but the door to the spare room was locked.

Yes, in hindsight all the red flags were there. A friend at the time commented on the locked door, and whether he was a murderer with bodies in there. But I had no reason to believe that he wasn’t being 100% transparent with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:14

redalex261 · 15/08/2024 12:09

Look, you may be married, but there’s no kids or enmeshed finances - yet.

He had an opportunity to come clean after the first revelation but didn’t. He’s underplayed his “badness” at every turn, so doesn’t accept responsibility.

He cancelled the other woman’s visa - that’s cold - I mean, really cold.

He’s going back and forth to her country attending events as her partner. Is this the kind of place where an unmarried woman can go round with a foreign partner - could he actually be presenting as her husband or even married her over there? (I may be reading too many crime novels - apologies).

he’s making you unhappy and question your grip on what’s genuine, reasonable and doubt your self worth. If this is the case and you don’t trust him please leave now instead of going further into a morass of lies.

I also think him “checking out of the marriage” after you found out is telling - some people can’t cope with falling off their pedestal/being seen without their mask as Mr Marvellous in the eyes of their loved ones; when this happens they can abandon the relationship mentally as they are mo longer being perceived as “perfect”.

Your family should support you, and it will surely be easier for them if there are no children involved and he is the “wrongdoer”. You get one life - you can’t remain unhappy just to satisfy appearances. Good luck xx

The ex is American, the ex ex is European, I’m British (but obviously ethnically not so). As far as I can tell, highly educated, high achieving women, but possibly with poor boundaries, as am I. The other two never found out about the cheating and stringing along.

OP posts:
Catza · 15/08/2024 14:13

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:03

And then I close the door to marrying/dating outside my culture ever again.

I can’t date within my culture, the misogyny is too prevalent, the likelihood of marrying a chauvinist mummy’s boy is just too high. Tbh, what I ended up with was probably worse than anything men of my background could have thrown at me.

Show quote history

OP, your parents can't actually physically prevent you from marrying someone from a different culture, can they. So what if 5 years down the line they tell you "remember what happened last time?". It's not actually any different from what they've been telling you in the last three years.
The main issue with problematic aspects of any culture is that they are self-perpetuating. Kids are afraid to do things because they fear the conflict and suddenly we are finding ourselves caught in the same cycle of bigotry as our parents and passing the same to the next generation.
In reality, though, what they say is of no consequence to you. They are entitled to their opinion. You just need to say the right things to appease them for your own sanity.
What's the alternative anyway? To stick with a man that's not right for you just so that they are a little less angry than what they otherwise would be? For what? Hoping that they will change their mind? They never will. In the meantime you are stuck between the rock and the hard place.

Conniebygaslight · 15/08/2024 14:11

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 09:18

Yes, it is the tip of the ice berg. He has done a bunch of other horrendous stuff in response to me finding out. I’m keeping this thread focussed just on the original crime, because my gut feeling is that the subsequent rest is irrelevant, this in itself is unforgivable.

Im wracked with guilt and self blame. I put myself on the line to marry him, and had to really face a lot of criticism. How could I have got it so wrong?

Show quote history

OP if you have a narc mother and enabling father it’s little wonder you’ve fallen for someone like this. This is not your fault, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have any support IRL?

Original poster
AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 14:03

Catza · 15/08/2024 09:19

Please don't blame yourself for it. One way to deal with the family is to not give them details of what actually happened. Just say you filed for a divorce because you took on board what they are saying about your husband and realised this relationship is not suitable. Then every "I told you so" can be met with "You did and I thank you for making me see that you were right all along". There is literally nothing they can say if you agree with them.

Show quote history

And then I close the door to marrying/dating outside my culture ever again.

I can’t date within my culture, the misogyny is too prevalent, the likelihood of marrying a chauvinist mummy’s boy is just too high. Tbh, what I ended up with was probably worse than anything men of my background could have thrown at me.

OP posts:
Smineusername · 15/08/2024 14:03

There's no way you can have kids with him and the fact you haven't is really an enormous blessing. I met my partner at 34 and now at 39 have two beautiful kids

Smineusername · 15/08/2024 13:53

Yeah the whole cancelling the visa (without her knowledge?) and then continuing the relationship afterwards is really beyond. Cheating is pretty normal and there are loads of people who can't really manage monogamy for whatever reason, yes it's a sign of weakness/poor character but it is also pretty normal and potentially forgivable depending on the circumstances. But I don't know anyone who has used a bureaucratic advantage to have their partner thrown out of the country. And then carried on seeing her afterwards! He's really dangerous, seriously abusive. Is he a surgeon or something? I would be concerned that he is an actual psychopath who is missing an empathy chip. You definitely don't know the whole story and probably never will. I would run. And do a police check.

HowDidThisHappenDinesh · 15/08/2024 13:45

Sorry OP, how awful for you.
Logically, everything he is saying to you he is likely to be saying/have said to the other women. Lying about your existence, excusing your relationship as merely cohabiting because you need somewhere to live. Telling them he was forced into marrying you, he doesn’t love you, it means nothing. You deserve more than this. You know it’s unforgivable. I’m sorry your family are not supportive. I don’t think that’s a reason to stay though. You deserve more and you will find it 💐

DustyYogaMat · 15/08/2024 13:41

AbominablePloughMan · 15/08/2024 07:46

I don’t know if ‘many men’ doing it makes it ok. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s so dishonest, I would never in my wildest dreams do such a thing. It’s this huge mismatch in moral values that I’m worried about.

I could stay due to parental pressure but I could never truly trust him again. Could I knowingly give my kids such a dishonest father?

Show quote history

Hit the nail on the head here!

I understand about cultural, and also religious, pressure. I was in the same place. I know it will be hard but you know what you need to do. For your sake, and for any future children you may wish to have.

hotpotlover · 15/08/2024 13:35

OP, you can still meet someone new and have kids.

I was your age, 32, when I met my husband.

I'm now 37 with 3 young kids.

femfemlicious · 15/08/2024 13:01

My goodness 😱. This marriage can only get much worse.

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