Am I being controlling?

Depends on how you look at it the op could be needy and comes across as controlling?

Reverse the people would the women be told she is having a tantrum?

The whole point of 'courting' is to see what sort of a person you would be ending up with if you do decide to get married and have kids.

If you choose to ignore this and proceed, then you are choosing a level of engagement that you are already making threads on mumsnet about, which isn't exactly a positive is it?

Dump and move on.

YANBU. It's fine for cricket to be his priority and it's fine for you to not accept it. Definitely don't marry/have children until you are able to have a calm conversation about this. It's not unreasonable to want to know that he will put any future children first.

Of course YANBU. You stated you wanted to see him a bit more, presumably because y’know, you love him. He responded by having a little tantrum. That would give me the ick.

So he didn't answer your question then about giving up for kids?

Yeah I've been the child in this set up so I'll just echo PP and say, don't do it OP. He's telling you what/who is the priority to him and that he doesn't see any problems with that and doesn't intend to change it.

What, wait, is your BF my husband?!
honestly, he says the same stuff to me! Except his is a footy hobby.
“if you don’t see xyz then there’s something wrong” 🙄
“I make sacrifices you don’t see”. Really pees me off!!!

in all seriousness, you ANBU.
you asked a question.. you’re not saying give it all up for me..

I suppose you need to think about your future with this guy, do you want to spend the rest of your life (and/or have kids) with someone who treats your innocent little questions as controlling and wont make time for you now? Never mind in the future..

for me, because they sound like the same guy, my dh changed when we had kids - but he still fears the day he has to give up his football hobby - although I always say you don’t have to, just don’t take away our main days- like a whole weekend/weekend day. Go do what you want a couple of evenings a night. Now he goes to football once a week in th evening and will probably do a weekend morning when time is a bit easier. But he also goes to watch footy, which takes out a good half day too… I have plenty to do without him but I totally see your point.

This. Huge red flag. It's very DARVO. You raised a valid concern and expressed your feelings and he took the opportunity to turn it around on you rather than listening to you and responding respectfully.

Not to mention the fact that he puts you second to his sport and clearly has no intentions of changing that.

Having kids and being married to a man like this will be like pulling teeth.

Speaking from experience.

Yes you’re being controlling. You knew about his cricket when you met so to turn round and say he needs to stop playing as much is wrong. If this was a man, a lot of the replies would be different

How long is the cricket season, I'm not familiar with it. It sounds like there is part of the year when he doesn't play at all?

I think you are being controlling from the way you've said you approached this, yes and I understand why you bf is feeling defensive. It's healthy for couples to have separate interests and not spend all their time together. However a sport hobby that takes up a lot of time like this can become a huge problem if it means you never get to Eg go away together for weekends.

If he's flexible with it and prioritises spending time with you at weekends in the off season I wouldn't be pushing for him to cut down now, but if you're planning children good to start having conversations about what he'll do in the future, that level of commitment would be a huge sacrifice on family time and equal parenting.

This.

If you are young, in your early 20s, then yes I'd say you sure being a bit much.

You don't even live with this guy!

He's made it pretty clear that his hobby is the priority so it's up to you what you do with this information

How old are you? And how long have you been together?

You say you see him a few times a week in the evening (presumably for 2-4 hrs?) and some Sundays and he’s given up Saturday evenings (stopped the socialisation part of his hobby) for you?

Tbh sounds like he’s pretty committed to me - particularly if my spideysense is right and you’re very young and this is a new relationship. And dragging imaginary kids into what I suspect is a fairly new relationship is a tad weird tbh - I’d be unimpressed in his shoes.

Don't have children or in a few years you will be on hear complaining 'the signs were there but I love him'

But also yes you are controlling too, if you have to control someone end it first

He's correct that it's for him to manage his hobby and time. But equally you don't have to stay in the relationship. You asked if he would be willing to change to spend more time with you and he said no.

And this is while you are still in the loved up phase of your relationship. I can guarantee it will not change if/when you have kids. You will be solo parenting every weekend.

Honestly I'd cut your losses now before you are too committed. It's fine for him to have an extensive hobby but it's also fine fir you to want a partner you see at weekends

Which came first, you or the cricket?

If the hobby predates your relationship, then I think he's perfectly entitled to put it in terms of, no, this is who I am, and it's up to you what you then do with that information.

Personally I can see his point of view, because I have a couple of hobbies of my own that I wouldn't sacrifice for any relationship. Any partner has to accept that it's what I do. It's not a case of "priorities", as I view framing it like that as laying the groundwork for an attempt at emotional blackmail, and I won't tolerate that either. My hobbies are non-negotiable, but my relationship status very much is.

It definitely sounds like he overreacted and was unnecessarily defensive and mean to you.

However, I do have a lot more sympathy when it's cricket than most other sports / hobbies. Because the season is genuinely quite short (3 months max) due to the weather, which is why it's quite intense. Unlike football which goes on for most of the year! As long as he's not like this outside the cricket season I'd find it possible to forgive this behaviour. (Although I'd like him to express it more kindly.)

Oh I am so irritated on your behalf, you get to see him 2 or 3 evenings after work, lucky you (sarcasm emoji needed here), who does he think he is?

He's 'made sacrifices' to spend time with you? Fuck him (or rather don't) if he thinks it's a 'sacrifice' to spend time with you.

Do not have children with this man.

How long have you been together? Has he played cricket like he does now since before you met?

You would have to be crazy to have children with this man.

Oh lord throw this one back. His reaction is more of a red flag than the cricket itself, you're coercing him, really? This is the guy who will expect to be able to carry on like this if and when you have kids, just look at all the "my husband has an outing wanky hobby (golf/cycling always) and I feel like I'm raising the kids alone" posts.

I’d get rid of him, he sounds like a right dick. Most of his weekend he’s playing bloody cricket?! Yet has a gf at home who has simply asked to spend more time with him. He needs to sort his priorities out. You are not being controlling you just want a normal relationship. If I was you I’d get him to read these comments ti get him to open his eyes to it

How is his approach to your existing free time together? Is he proactive in making plans, suggesting fun activities and showing similar engagement and commitment to seeing you as he does to his hobby? Or does he just sit back and adopt a lazy, passenger attitude?