Am I being controlling?

If he already had this hobby (and I assume he did as it is rare to come to it as an adult) when you met I am afraid I think YABU. I am a cricket mum both DS play (14 & 12) they started at 6 & 4. It is 4 months a year usually as the weather is rarely good enough to play before mid May and season is over mid September. Any weekend it rains games are generally cancelled. This also applies to men’s game as wet pitches are too slippy. This leaves 8 months of the year where he won’t play at the weekend but may have indoor nets training 1 or 2 evenings a week. It is a team sport so you cannot just dip in and out as and when you feel like it as 10 other players depend on you. I am sure the squad can cover a few weekends for holidays etc but regularly pulling out lets your team down. I would be upset about the way he spoke to you but equally your expectation of him to dip in and out is unfair so if it does not work for you then walk away. I hope my boys continue to play into adulthood as men’s mental health is a huge issue and I hope they continue to have a group of boys/men they could talk to if they needed it. I would be really disappointed if they were pressured to give up by a future girlfriend. I am sure plenty will now disagree with me.

I had a friend with a partner like this, and spoiler alert he did not change his ways when they had a child so now she has a kid and a husband who is hardly involved because he can't possibly let 'the guys' down by skipping a match or training session.
I also have another friend who has decided not to have kids and part of the decision is because her husband is really into an extreme sport that takes him away from home for days at a time and she knew he wouldn't want to give it up and she'd resent him if their childcare wasn't equal.
Honestly it put me off any guys who are really into sports like this as a hobby as I just felt like they wouldn't be able to prioritise family.

I'd just dump him. He has every right to decide he's going to prioritise his hobby over his girlfriend and to shut down every single conversation about it.

You've every right to decide he's a dead loss, that you can do better and end the relationship. Find someone who DOES want to spend their weekends with you instead.

This is a tough one. I have had similar conversations with my husband over the years about rugby which he did eventually give up because I was not prepared to be a stay at home mum looking forward to my husband coming home each night for him to be out 2 nights a week training and then have my weekend dominated by a hobby.
However I now have 2 football mad boys who’s hobby dominates my weekends but as the years have gone on I’ve learnt to embrace it. We have made some lovely friends along the way and I now look forward to the weekends so we can have a catch up. Do his teammates have wives/partners you can get to know and after he’s played cricket you can all go for a drink together? The 2 evenings a week wouldn’t bother me if you don’t have kids but the weekends would.

The issue is not so much the conflict (cricket) but how his choice in communication about the conflict affects finding mutually agreeable solutions. You are two adults and there are always going to be conflicts, big and small, that the two of you have to negotiate. He is training you to not ever bring up any expectation that he consider your needs because then he will blow up at you, make it personal with name-calling, and make extreme statements. If you are a team, and a conflict comes up - it should be the two of you against the problem, working on finding a solution together NOT him unilaterally deciding that YOU are the actual problem.

If you stay with him he will chip away at you - your needs, wants, reasonable expectations making you into a bonsai of a partner, formed exactly to what he wants from you with no recognition that you are a person too.

I’m sorry to go against most comments but I’m on the side of your bf. How about if he was telling you not to do something? He obvs played cricket before the two of you got together so cricket comes first. I can see why he got defensive and tried turning it around onto you because you are trying to be coercive and controlling. My dh plays and watches football. Season ticket so is away most Saturdays plus the odd tues night. Plays 5-a-side football 1 evening a week and plays on a Sunday morning. We have two children now and he cuts back by not playing every week (if we have something planned) but I have never TOLD him to cut back he does it because he wants to and sees that it benefits us together. But it works both ways because he doesn’t stop me if I want to do anything. Maybe you should try a new hobby and fill in some of the extra time you have.

And you live with him? I wonder if he’d be the same if you had dc? It’s not all year round, no, but are you going to ignored for months of weekends?

My dad played cricket when I was a kid, my mum used to go watch him/get involved helping with match teas. When we were kids we went and played with the other kids and when my brother was old enough he started playing with my dad. Cricket season isn’t all year, unlike golf and football so you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you.

YABU. I’m 21 years in with a cricket player, who now (as he’s starting to lose his physical edge) umpires and coaches as well. It’s a hobby, just like I have mine.

In the early days I complained about him spending time at the Club instead of coming home to me. He stopped staying and now he has very few friends to socialise with without me for which I’m sad in retrospect.

I wouldn’t say you’re being controlling but you’re certainly being needy. Get your own hobby and enjoy having the freedom to spend doing it while he’s doing his.

I’d be okay with cricket as it is seasonal esp. he agrees to one day at the weekend most weekends. When you get to my age you will be grateful that he has a hobby that gets him out of the house so much!

Cricket is a shit hobby that will steal your life. Cricket leagues are run by old men and consequently are very selfish. If you decide to continue in this relationship this will not be the last argument you have about this unless you decide to throw yourself into that life and basically become the dogsbody of the cricket team.

Source; cricket widow. husband now thankfully retired but they STILL make demands and issue guilt trips. Fortunately, now he’s out of the cult he can see the wood for the trees but it took a long time to get him to see how unreasonable some of the things he did were.

Cricket clubs are dying because they don’t take the needs of families into account and do very little to foster a sense of community.

Also, cricket is not for ‘sporty, active people’. Some of them might be as well, granted but for most of them it’s all they do. They run about 5 yards every 20 minutes and and stand around in the sun for half a day. :D

Would you still think 'it's better to be married to a sporty active person' when your husband skips your wedding anniversary because, and I quote, 'its better to let down one person (i.e., his wife) than a whole team of people'? My dad did that. He also prioritised his commitment to his sport and his team over his children's birthday parties, school plays, other family occasions, and left my mum to do all the hands on parenting while he was at matches and training and meetings and award ceremonies, for months of every year from his 20s to his 70s.

It's ok for OP to feel how she feels about this.

I know Op isn't replying but just a general remark. If someone plays on a team of any sort they cannot turn up whenever they want. It's usually all or nothing. So training and matches. So no point in saying play every second weekend or only on Saturday. Teams are a commitment. I think it's unfair to ask anyone to give it up. Going forward it's better to be married to a sporty active person than someone who sits on the couch doing nothing. It's quite usual for young people in their 20s to play on teams and this should be encouraged not made into a big drama.

He's a man that plays cricket, you don't want a partner who has a time consuming hobby. Fund another partner whose lifestyle suits you better. The liklihood is , even if he's quite young ,he's been playing this for years and it's part of his identity. I'm not sure he's doing anything wrong and your not wrong either. At some point he might decide cricket has taken too much time and impacted relationships too much, but he's not at that point. Just agree you aren't compatible and move on.

Are you being controlling? Yep, absolutely and pretty bloody awfully to be honest.

At the moment, he’s used to having heaps of free time to indulge in a hobby - at least ten hours, by the sound of it, including entire days at the weekend. That is a lot of time on a single hobby. That’s fine for someone who is single but for a guy with a partner who is thinking of settling down, that’s not going to work. He won’t be able to disappear all weekend like he does now. So, if he’s sulking and refusing to make what he views as a ‘you v the hobby’ kind of choice, rather than talking like an adult about a compromise, then he’s clearly not mature enough to be any sort of husband / father.

I wouldn’t stop someone from doing their hobby or want them to do it half heartedly, but that is because I like to be very independent myself and want plenty of time to do my own thing. It sounds like you might not be compatible.

why are people STILL posting? op hasn't posted since her initial 2 posts on the 14th - 5 days ago!

Look, I think the level he is playing cricket at isn’t necessarily the issue. At the moment, if you are seeing him some Sundays and several evenings in the week, this stage in the relationship, I don’t think that’s a small amount and I can sort of see his point. It would be different if it were all weekend every weekend and 4/5 weekdays or something.
However I don’t think it’s controlling of you to say you’d like to see more of him. But then how much someone wants to see a partner is a very personal thing. Some people might be happy to see their partner once or twice a week and this level of contact wouldn’t bother them. Others want to see their partners most days. There’s no right or wrong answer, only compatibility and what works for both in the relationship. I personally could live with with this level of contact at this stage in a relationship and it wouldn’t be a deal breaker.
It is the future that would bother me. That level of doing a hobby will become a much bigger problem in the future if you have kids and you find yourself managing the evening routine all by yourself several times a week and caring for kids often all weekend on your own.
Anyway, he has made it clear he isn’t going to reduce his cricket and is already expressing resentment at you for suggesting he should. It doesn’t bode well. I don’t think you two are compatible and I wouldn’t be holding out much hope for future family life.

For those that don't know much about "Village cricket", the Saturday Lge is generally mid April to mid September so 6 months, not just summer.
Round here Sunday league generally starts later but not exactly sure when.
As a pp mentioned the Sunday Lge, certainly here, is supposed to be a Development league for junior players to get used to senior cricket although it does need a few senior players to play to guide the juniors.
If OP's partner is captain then he may feel obliged to play each week but its better to use an older junior as captain to give them experience.
Weekend cricket usually lasts at least 6 hours per game, sometimes longer

@Orangejuice188 Why bother starting this thread if you cba to come back?

He is telling you straight how he feels, this is his hobby and he will not sacrifice his hobby for you.

how long have you been together. It’s ok to have a hobby but for me 4 times a week is excessive!

I couldn’t imagine being with someone as clingy as you’re appearing to be. Imagine how it would be received on here if you were to write ‘boyfriend insisting I give up hobby and friends to spend time with him’.

you don’t have children. Get some hobbies, do things for yourself and leave him be.

You are less important to him than the cricket hobby.

That will not change so either accept it and learn to live with it or find a better BF! (I’d go with the latter)

Just leave him now, this won’t improve without many, many fights and arguments.