Partner too close to teen daughter?

OP, I don't understand why you're threading on eggshells here. You should be comfortable to bring this up with your own DP, not hide behind "my sisters have noticed...". Is the communication in your relationship always like this?
I get this is a somewhat "sensitive" subject, but come on - a 19 yr old sitting on daddy's lap, holding hands in public - to the point of people assuming she is his GF (whilst you are there doing what - trailing behind them?!) and calling 5-6 times a day to give him an account if every minute of her life. It's a miracle she's even gone to uni to be honest.
This is not normal or healthy, very weird in fact. I honestly wouldn't be able just go along with it, it's too intense and he is facilitating it. And how much free time does he have after all these daily extensive conversations with her - does he ever go to a hobby, to meet a friend, or do things with you and the boys?
I'm genuinely shocked that both of them "crave" this kind of dynamic. If she ever gets another boyfriend, I guarantee you that he will be very weirded out by all that. She probably won't though, her daddy is fulfilling that role already (emotionally) and she's happy with that.

@Abigail47 has been like that over several threads last night. Being deliberately goady and then reporting other posters when they've finally called her out.

Abi love, I don't know why you would want to try and wind strangers up on the internet but it's just more irritating than anything when someone repeats themselves on a thread. It's like a cry for attention. I genuinely hope you're okay ❤️

@Josette77 can you find a safe space or even better a safe person to be with today? What you've shared is huge. Take care.

How nasty. OP isn't jealous, she's confused and concerned. She's made huge and genuine efforts to integrate DSD into the wider family. Yes, some stepmothers are horrible (mine was) but by no means all.

It's ok to be wary, in my family (won't go into details because it's outing) a man was kind and close to his SD, people thought they were close because he was like a dad to her.

He was SA her since she was 10, he's now serving him in prison. No one knew until she told a trusted adult about 3 years after the first incident

@Josette77 I'm so sorry to read your post. As a pp said is there someone (a professional) you could reach out to for support?

The girls mother said to the girl there were times she felt left out. Presumably she was reflecting and the girl told OP about the conversation.

So when you were a teenager? Now we are getting somewhere. Let me guess; with some older and inappropriate man who explained how all the other women (his wife who he was living separately from) were jealous of her?

Love you need serious amounts of therapy.

A 19 to being physically affectionate with either parent is not weird.You are jealous of sharing your dh affections with another female.
Tale as old as time!

I agree with PP re arrested development. I used to work with foster kids and it is very common to find that a child's emotional development becomes stalled at the age at which they suffered trauma. You just have to let them kind of move through the stages at their own pace.

Look up the drama triangle.

I would be encouraging DH to support her growing independence by moving out of the rescuer role " I have the solution and I will fix it for you" and into the cheerleader/coach role "I believe you can do this, what are your ideas/solutions?"

If a girl phoned her mum 5 tikes a day would that be weird? Or said j need mother and daughter time?

No. It's not weird and definitely not weird just because it's the other parent. Girls are daddy girls like I am with my dad. Everything you mentioned I did till I was 22 and even then....I was still super close but moved away for a job.

I had a very close relationship with my dad before he died. I can remember having a trauma situation and sitting on his lap when I was 30. It was the only place I felt safe. I soon went back to everyday life and my dad was my rock in a s**t world. If you want to get a measure, don't look to the girl, look to your partner and he how he responds. Sounds like she really needs him and can you imagine your mother being a doctor with a new partner and kid. Poor girl.

@Abigail47 is officially the strangest poster I’ve come across on mumsnet in over 18 years. What the heck?!

OP you sound kind and caring and you've had a lot of thoughtful and insightful responses for AIBU. Yes you should check out the step-parenting board, maybe even ask to have this thread moved there but that would be mostly because it'll be visible there for longer and you'll get responses for longer. Unfortunately ghouls like the two you've had on your case today make a special sport of haunting the step-parenting board as well. Your mistake was posting in rhe middle of the night when moderation is off - I confidently predict half of the nonsense will be gone by morning.

One thing I'm wondering - does the behaviour you're describing go back for the entirety of the time you've known your stepdaughter, or has it ramped up with her transition to uni? If the latter, it's a fragile time for many young people so that may play into it.

Agree with this and @Aquamarine1029
She sounds vulnerable and immature - going to uni is a scary time, esp for this Covid generation who aren't as independent as they would otherwise have been.
I would tread carefully OP- your DP will rightly be very protective of his DD and could be massively insulted and outraged if you raise it.
Your gut isn't always right about these things - you're not psychic, think of all the absolute rubbish peoples "guts" tell them every day! The lap thing is weird but I think as she matures you'll find you had nothing to worry about.

@Josette77 No need to panic. Perhaps look into finding someone to talk to about this in person, eg a trusted friend or seek some counselling. It was brave to refer to the abuse. Take care.

I was thinking this. I was very like this with my parents, right up through university.

I have ADHD, ASD and anxiety. There's a lot of research that shows the ADHD brain does not mature until my h later than a neurotypical brain. So you remain more childlike for a lot longer.

Having proper relationships and jobs redirected this. But, I still like to have a hug with mum and dad at 40.

Thank you. 💝

I've asked it to be deleted as I am panicking a bit.

I appreciate you responding. xx

I wonder if she sits on his lap and holds hands in public when you're not present? Maybe this cuddling and lap sitting is just part of behaviour like:

She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad'

@Josette77 - I noticed that nobody has commented on your post yet. This sounds very hard for you. I am so pleased that you had safety in your relationship with your Opa and hope that life has turned out well for you.

I agree ... but weird tbh from the post that was said it seems odd how close they are no wounder you think it's weird because you're right . Like this post says go with your gut xx

Is everyone on this thread drunk? 🥴

14 is a very informative age for a child - smack in the middle of puberty - so it’s not surprising the your DSD has clung to her father all these years. Some of her most informative years were riddled with divorce and new partners for her father and mother - her father was her constant during that time. And now, UG years are very challenging - lots of children suffer and cling more to their parents. It’s really not unusual. So she’s, again, looking for comfort and security from her father.

I think the question to ask yourself is; if it was her mum she behaved like this with, would you have an issue? Because if the answer is no, then I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

But even if you DID have an issue if it was with her mum, it doesn’t give you the right to judge - which is slightly how you’ve come across here.

Same with me too - my 18 year old daughter also with adhd is as described and would also love a cuddle on my lap but I push her off as too heavy. Children can have spikey brain profile ie part of brain not fully developed and can be a bit emotionally immature. If it was mostly just the two of them before you came along have an intense relationship

This is rubbish.

My parents split and I wasn’t inappropriately touchy feely with my dad, nor territorial over his time with new partners.