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Original poster

Partner too close to teen daughter?

343 replies

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 22:19

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
Tandora · 15/08/2024 08:16

ChickenTikkaKebabs · 15/08/2024 08:11

I got as far as she sits on his lap (she's 19) and I cringed.

I accept that families have different levels of physical closeness but I stopped sitting on my Dad's lap when I was about 9.

My Dad and I used to holiday on our own sometimes when I was younger (Mum was tied up with much younger sisters) but this stopped when I was close to puberty (for obvious reasons.)

I have a DD (older than 19) and although she's close to her dad and takes a lot of advice from him re. her career and work , they've never had the amount of contact (daily phone calls etc.)

I'm sorry but it does sound a bit incestuous and over stepping the usual 'affection' of dads and their daughters.

Edited

I have a friend who sits on the lap of her mother, father and brother! They are just a v close family. She’s married with kids. It’s really not that weird- these are also just cultural norms. What’s weird is the projection happening here.

Maria1979 · 15/08/2024 08:15

I have this type of relationship with my DS 11. He is extremely cuddly and a real "mama's boy". BUT I have told him that when he hits puberty (12/13?) these cuddles with him nestled in on me have to stop or it will be indecent. We will still hug ofcourse but not with the same physical proximity because it could be damaging to his development and it would feel strange. He is quite small for his age which does make it feel less awkward for times being. And also he loves going to friends houses on sleepovers so is not attached to me in an unhealthy way.

The point Im trying to make is that it is the parent who is responsible of defining the relationship and create healthy boundaries, not the child. Like my DS who is cuddly at home would never be cuddly outside because he would be too embarrassed. And when he hits puberty I will just tell him that I love him very much but our cuddles need to be appropriate. Your DH is confusing his DD by behaving this way. Deginitely tell him to put boundaries in place for her sake.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 08:13

FeetupTvon · 15/08/2024 08:01

From what you have said I think she is jealous of you.
Dad is her only ‘consistent’ and he is in a new relationship and is living alongside a new partner and her sons. She now has competition. She is away at uni so feels very isolated from everyone.
When she returns she has to make her claim on him, she’s possessive of her dad both physically and emotionally. When Dad isn’t there that’s when she can relax as she’s not having to compete with anybody.

I would believe all of the above- however what I fail to understand is the reason they were like this together before you were on the scene. (As mum told you.)
In which case I believe it to be emotional incest.
Emotional incest is more common than you would think and is as equally common with mothers and sons.

You have we to make a decision.
Either you could accept as emotional incest and hope the dinamics change as she gets older or you could end the relationship and be honest with him about how you feel. I’m certain you won’t be the first person who has mentioned concerns to him about the behaviour.

Thank you. I’m leaning towards leaving it to see if tails off as she gets older. I am worried If their relationships changes because of me that could be harmful but I'm also worried for her as it does seem to be on the unhealthy side of close. Which is a thing the more I read up about it - for mothers and children too like you say emotional incest.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 15/08/2024 08:12

I sat and 'snuggled' up to me dad on the couch last month watching television. I'm in my mid 40's. We have always been a 'touchy' family, and I can't say it's ever been a problem. She is 19, and sounds like a very young 19 with limited independence. She moved in with her dad because mum was too busy, and now has a new family. If this was an emotionally immature 19 yr old with her mum would it bother you as much?

ChickenTikkaKebabs · 15/08/2024 08:11

I got as far as she sits on his lap (she's 19) and I cringed.

I accept that families have different levels of physical closeness but I stopped sitting on my Dad's lap when I was about 9.

My Dad and I used to holiday on our own sometimes when I was younger (Mum was tied up with much younger sisters) but this stopped when I was close to puberty (for obvious reasons.)

I have a DD (older than 19) and although she's close to her dad and takes a lot of advice from him re. her career and work , they've never had the amount of contact (daily phone calls etc.)

I'm sorry but it does sound a bit incestuous and over stepping the usual 'affection' of dads and their daughters.

ShelfService · 15/08/2024 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are not reading what is written. What a dramatic interpretation. I am embarrassed for you.

ShelfService · 15/08/2024 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

In your case, it’s a genuine recommendation. You are fixated on your own experiences and projecting wildly. The OP is coming across as reflective and insightful. Willing to accept she may have issues but clearly loves her stepdaughter and she wants a better family dynamic for all of them.

Your own anger and resentment from your own childhood have blinded you as to what is being written.

I feel you need to work with someone professionally to unpick your anger and extreme reactions to the OP.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 08:08

Bellamari · 15/08/2024 08:04

I’m 45 and sometimes my dad cuddles me on the sofa when I’m having a panic attack. Admittedly I’m not sitting on his lap! But I find physical contact very calming when I’m panicking. I also call him and tell him everything and we go out for a meal sometimes. So I can’t say the OP’s partner has a weird relationship with his DD. Maybe she needs additional support with her mental health.

Thanks for the insight. I’m also really close to my Dad but not physically so this is a new dynamic for me . I’m open to hearing about others perspective so thank you.

OP posts:
ShelfService · 15/08/2024 08:05

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:52

No it's not.

You completely show your own ignorance.

Incel means "someone who is involuntarily celibate".

That is exactly where that word came from . It's to do with sex. You should know it before you use it.

And how can I be misogynistic when I'm a woman. Fuck sake. There are the most idiotic posts on here

Edited
Show quote history

There are many women misogynists. Is this news to you? The way you are speaking to the OP suggests you might be one.

Bellamari · 15/08/2024 08:04

I’m 45 and sometimes my dad cuddles me on the sofa when I’m having a panic attack. Admittedly I’m not sitting on his lap! But I find physical contact very calming when I’m panicking. I also call him and tell him everything and we go out for a meal sometimes. So I can’t say the OP’s partner has a weird relationship with his DD. Maybe she needs additional support with her mental health.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 08:03

Birdingbear · 15/08/2024 06:22

If a girl phoned her mum 5 tikes a day would that be weird? Or said j need mother and daughter time?

No. It's not weird and definitely not weird just because it's the other parent. Girls are daddy girls like I am with my dad. Everything you mentioned I did till I was 22 and even then....I was still super close but moved away for a job.

To be honest it’s not really how many times she calls him - she also calls me a lot and ids lovely but it’s because she kind of can’t do anything without asking him - which is quite intense - and also I don’t feel is so healthy for her as like I’ve said somewhere else, she’s very capable of he’s away or can’t answer for any reason . This is only one element of it really but gives bigger picture.

OP posts:
Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 15/08/2024 08:02

Anyone watched/read A View from the Bridge?
Just saying. It gives the vibes.

ShelfService · 15/08/2024 08:01

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:18

Female jealousy can be very intense.

Some women don't like any other woman, including his own daughter, around their man

Have you had therapy for your own issues?

FeetupTvon · 15/08/2024 08:01

From what you have said I think she is jealous of you.
Dad is her only ‘consistent’ and he is in a new relationship and is living alongside a new partner and her sons. She now has competition. She is away at uni so feels very isolated from everyone.
When she returns she has to make her claim on him, she’s possessive of her dad both physically and emotionally. When Dad isn’t there that’s when she can relax as she’s not having to compete with anybody.

I would believe all of the above- however what I fail to understand is the reason they were like this together before you were on the scene. (As mum told you.)
In which case I believe it to be emotional incest.
Emotional incest is more common than you would think and is as equally common with mothers and sons.

You have we to make a decision.
Either you could accept as emotional incest and hope the dinamics change as she gets older or you could end the relationship and be honest with him about how you feel. I’m certain you won’t be the first person who has mentioned concerns to him about the behaviour.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 15/08/2024 08:01

Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 22:58

Tale as old as time.

Stepmothers that I have seen are nearly always bitter and resentful of their stepdaughter. For three reasons.

  1. The stepdaughter is younger and prettier.
  2. The stepdaughter is a reminder of the ex wife and probably looks like her.
  3. The stepdaughter is a female , who is getting the man's attention.
Edited

But there is attention and there is this. I think being at uni and ringing a parent 6 times a day and the close physical contact go well beyond 'normal'.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 07:58

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 06:12

OP you sound kind and caring and you've had a lot of thoughtful and insightful responses for AIBU. Yes you should check out the step-parenting board, maybe even ask to have this thread moved there but that would be mostly because it'll be visible there for longer and you'll get responses for longer. Unfortunately ghouls like the two you've had on your case today make a special sport of haunting the step-parenting board as well. Your mistake was posting in rhe middle of the night when moderation is off - I confidently predict half of the nonsense will be gone by morning.

One thing I'm wondering - does the behaviour you're describing go back for the entirety of the time you've known your stepdaughter, or has it ramped up with her transition to uni? If the latter, it's a fragile time for many young people so that may play into it.

Show quote history

Thank you for the constructive advice. I definitely will move to there. I had no idea it could be so harmful here, I don’t mind criticism o almost came here for it and some perspective but in a useful way and not just plain mean.
Irs always been like this between them, it’s got more noticeable as she’s for older and I guess I feel now she often seems stronger / happier/ more settled when he’s not around .

OP posts:
WickedSerious · 15/08/2024 07:48

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:59

Do you want me to "get some help" right now?

Because I'm sitting on my bed.

I'm a bit too tired to walk to a therapists office

Show quote history

Call a taxi.

Tandora · 15/08/2024 07:48

@Josette77 I’m so sorry for what you have been through ♥️

Tandora · 15/08/2024 07:47

WhoKnewDahlia · 15/08/2024 03:30

Maybe there are other things at play.

Op clearly feels uncomfortable with their closeness, analysing ones feelings is difficult if you feel there could be negative feelings involved such as jealousy and insecurity.
Op has been with her father for five years now and within that five years the SD has become a woman, maybe op's relationship is also entering a different stage, one of feeling a little more neglected by her partner and that could trigger feelings of jealousy with a daughter who has unconditional love from her father.

Also the financial aspect does come into play, it cannot be ignored.

Mix in with that the dynamics of a blended family, there will always be a feeling of sides, you and the boys against him and his daughter, it's unavoidable.

What is your relationship like, is he still attentitive of you, or could there be a possiblity of triangulating going on, your partner playing both of you off. Maybe hearing more opposing views is going to help op rather than being on a step parenting board that is like an echo chamber of support.

It must be so difficult with step families on both sides, the children, the adults to be truly fair, I've never been on the step parenting board but is there a step children board which equals out these questions ?
I suppose your daughter is clinging to the safety of her father, completely understandable in the circumstances and I think if it wasn't for your judgement about her effervesence with her father most people on here would feel truly sorry for her.

Show quote history

Excellent post

Tandora · 15/08/2024 07:42

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

What the hell is a “mini wife”. Honestly so messed up and twisted that people project this shit.

andthat · 15/08/2024 07:40

Josette77 · 15/08/2024 05:57

Thank you. 💝

I've asked it to be deleted as I am panicking a bit.

I appreciate you responding. xx

Show quote history

@Josette77 it’s not unusual to panic when you voice a long held secret for the first time. ❤️
i am so sorry for your experience. I hope you can get some support to talk this through. Remember… this is not your shame to bear and what happened to you is not your fault. Wishing you all the best x

dottiedodah · 15/08/2024 07:37

I think maybe because of her DM career ,maybe DM wasnt around quite as much ? Then Dad stepped into both roles maybe.I think as she matures it will become less of a problem . I think its sad that everyone is leaping to SA first .How is your RL with your partner ? I think if you feel unhappy then you need to talk with him .He may of course deny it but you need to make clear your reservations .You are free to leave at any time of course

Tandora · 15/08/2024 07:35

Otterhound · 14/08/2024 23:04

What and whose boundaries are they crossing??
if they are both happy with it (and assuming there is or has been no sexual abuse) its absolutely no one else business apart from theirs.

This!! This is a parent’s relationship with his child. Everyone is different - some people are more physically affectionate than others and that’s ok. These are also just cultural norms. If there’s cause to be concerned about exploitation or abuse then that needs addressing obviously. But OP says this isn’t her concern. So what is the concern?

Loonaandalf · 15/08/2024 07:30

Can I ask if your DP and DSD are from another culture? I would only normally see this level of affection in Mediterranean cultures.

StormingNorman · 15/08/2024 07:26

She sounds emotionally very immature. At 19 most children at university are enjoying their independence, but for whatever reason she is behaving like a 5 year old. I don’t think this is healthy for her development as an adult.

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