Partner too close to teen daughter?

almost the whole post. I think it’s really weird that you say there is a difference in how you cuddle a child before and after puberty . and it’s equally weird that you have already discussed with you child that when he is “in puberty” you will do “normal hugs”.

Thank you so much everyone you wrote nice messages to me. 💝

I was just diagnosed with Disassociation Disorder due to the abuse and I'm actually getting some support. 💖

My beautiful son has complex special needs due to early childhood trauma (he's also adopted) so I've spent 13 years immersed in the trauma world completely ignoring my own. Now I have to face it. It really really sucks. Lol

What is weird? Cuddling DS or putting in boundaries according to his development?
Personally I think it's "weird" to just make a comment saying something is weird without explanation.

1 and 3 should not apply at all - only in a sexual contest can there be comparison between who is prettier and only in a sexual contest should there be 'attention from a man to a woman'. He is not a man, he is her father. The only valid point is no.2, but even then, it is inappropriate.

I agree. I have a male friend with a 15 year old daughter and she frequently sits on his lap in public. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

This is really weird

I was thinking the same thing 😵‍💫

Sorry to join the discussion late, and sorry if I have missed this, but I have a question - the sitting on his lap - does it just happen briefly, like when she kisses him goodnight/goodbye or whatever, or is she sitting there sort of for a while, to watch a film or whatever?

I do think it makes a big difference actually & the former is somewhat intense but not actually that unusual, whereas the latter is (in my view) really quite weird, and will stand out as weird to many people.

As this detail is the one that has been most discussed, are you able to give more context? If you feel happy to.

The physical contact sounds perfectly innocent to me, as does wanting to spend some time alone with her father. Sounds like you are projecting big time. She just sounds insecure and childlike to me.

So sorry to read this. I hope you have had some support since.

Does she sit on dad’s laps in front of your 2 sons? @VivienneBMama

Same here.

Mine cries all the time. Sits on the sofa and leans against her dad. She needs a lot of emotional support.

One other suggestion, google “enmeshed family”. You might find that less sinister as a framework instead of “emotional incest.”

If she was cuddly with her mum and sent 5/6 messages a day you would think nothing of it, just that this kid is quite insecure, a bit immature, wants to feel her parent is supporting her. And she doesn’t have a great relationship with her mum so she is transferring all that neediness to her dad. I get that you don’t like the lack of boundaries and you feel that physically men and girls should not be cuddly even if they are father and daughter. That is your right to have uncomfortable feelings, you want to be your partner’s primary relationship now the kids are older and physicality is an expression of who matters to him. But bandying around words like “emotional incest” could really damage your relationship with your partner. If it was me I would be more inclined to say that you have noticed she is more clingy than most 19 year olds, and better at making decisions alone when he gives her more space. And that you feel that as a family you should be working to build her confidence, support her hobbies and be supportive of new friendships. If you both build her confidence this will change the situation in a positive way. If you make them both ashamed and that there is a cloud of suspicion over their relationship, I suspect something else will change and you might not like it.

This is such a good, practical post - to ask oneself - would I feel comfortable doing it in public? My gran used to tell me, when I was asking appropriate or not - she would say, will HM the Queen do that? It concerned things like photographs in a swimming costume for an Instagram post, for example. She used to say - ask yourself, will HM let her picture to be run in the papers, of her in the swimming costume? She may have lots of pictures like that in a family album, but for public use? Will HM write a letter like that? (I was asking gran if I should write to a boy I liked'. Etc. etc. It saved me from so much embarrassment, I can't tell you. So, yes, I think you should ask your partner and his daughter - would you do it in public? No? So why are you doing it in private?

Speaking from the point of view of English Litt, it is like a running joke about a pervy uncle - do come and sit in my lap - in the works of Nancy Mitford, Mary Wesley, it is a running theme and whilst the authors used it as a joke, even they realised it was perverted and called these uncles lecherous lecturers.

OP, I see where you're coming from but I agree with others that it's complex. She was 15 when the pandemic hit and so any perhaps newly-found independence would have been suddenly curtailed. Add to that her parents' separation, her mother being too busy for her and then having another child, and her dad moving in with a new family unit. Your DSD must be feeling very displaced. It's great that she's part of your family, and you genuinely do sound like a welcoming and loving person. But sometimes knowing something with your head isn't the same as knowing it with your heart. Sounds like your DP has been the (only?) constant in her life so it's understandable that she clings to him. The dramatic over-announcing that she needs times with him could well be her feeling jealousy over the family unit he has with you and your sons now that she's away at university and not home all the time.

Time is probably what is needed here. Chances are she will find other things in her life and that will take the focus of her dad and her place in the wider family. Wishing you all the best.

I won't be pushing him away. And ofcourse hugs are always welcome ! But there is a difference between cuddling a child before puberty and after. Like now he likes to lay on me like when he was a baby. Well, I certainly will not allow that for HIS sake. And I have already told him that when he's in puberty we will do normal hugs otherwise it's indecent.

"she is still important and his number one priority which she is and should be forever."

I'm sorry no. Once your children are adults (and even as kids to a degree) your spousal relationship is equal if not more important than the relationship with your child, in terms of where you are spending your emotional energy and being replenished. As a parent you don't just put kid as 'number one' and f*ck everything else; you set clear boundaries and teach them security. BUT you have to tend to and place your marriage above your children, this is good for the children. Obviously if kid is sick or in desperate need your priorties and energies may shift, and when they are babies and toddlers and literally need you to stay alive, children come first. But to put a 19 yo daughter's need to sit on daddy's lap ahead of your wife's discomfort about that is priorities totally out of whack. No wonder kids are so messed up.

Except the OP doesn't sound the least bit bitter or resentful. On the contrary she sounds like a thoughtful loving mum trying to make sense of a strange situation.

You on the other hand sound like you're trying to make this into Snow White or some other Grimm fairy tale!

Some good points.

This girl at 14 had no voice, take into account the separation of her parents started before that age, so she has seen her emotionally unavailable mother find a new love and have another child who is loved by both parents, how pushed out she must feel.

She has also witnessed her father fall in love again and have to move into another ready made family where male siblings have one anothers support.

She has no one, no siblings, no mother, her only lifeline is her father all other relationships in her life are conditional.
Growing from a voiceless 14 year old with few choices, whereby op probably felt in control, she was still a child, easier to manipulate, easier to manage, easier to love but now comes the harder part. The SD is now turning into a woman, she may become more confident and some of the feelings that she held within may come tumbling out now with maturity.

There maybe a sense of competition and also payback.

The financial aspect I agree with, have you all spoken of wills, from what you say you are not married, this may have a lot to do with it.
I have known many second relationships break up due to wills and inheritances.
This girl has no insurance for future inheritances, where others may naturally know they will be left monies, on both sides she will have to fight or not take it for granted.

I can understand this girl's insecurity but only now is she truly understanding the dynamics of her life and how unfair it's been for her.

Out of everyone, it is the daughter I feel for, the situation has created this dynamic of an overly needy daughter and a father racked with guilt, probably getting in writing that his wealth would go to his daughter would help, but I've got a feeling op's want of her SD growing up and being independant is something she thought would naturally occur with her and also the hope of her being financially independant.
These are adult problems, they were not relevant at 14.

Money may be at the heart of this.

This is a tricky one, and you need to tread carefully less you be the wicked stepmother.

Honestly, if they are behaving like this in public I'm really surprised no one has actually pulled them up yet (beyond mistaking her for his girlfriend - which I'd take no notice of - had someone mistake me for my fathers girlfriend at the same age, we were/are not physically affectionate at all - it's lucky if we ever even hugged, and he is an 'old' dad).

She's far, far too old to be sitting on daddy's lap and whilst as an adult sitting on someone's lap is flirtatious behaviour, in this case it's infantile more than incestuous I'd wager. I can certainly understand why it's a bit unsettling to see - it's not the norm, lets be honest.

I'd wonder if she has developmental issues, personally, given the rest of the context with decision making etc, and if you mention it to your DP, this is the angle I'd be coming at, rather than coming from the angle of it being inappropriate.

I distinctly remember trying to give my dad a cuddle when I saw him, I can't remember exactly how I did but it was nothing out of the norm - I think it was probably arms around his waist with my head side on against his chest. Can't recall exact age either, but I was certainly not a teenager yet, so younger than 13. I remember him telling me I was too old now to hug him like that.

Like another poster, I felt mortified and absolutely humiliated - that's pretty much when I stopped showing my dad affection, as it was clear the way I naturally showed him affection, was unwelcome.

Hence, be careful. What's done cannot be undone and you may harm their relationship.

Unfortunately every experience is different. There are many photos of my aunt as a teenager sitting on the knee of her dad. He abused her, her sisters, me and cousins.

Not sure if you're projecting here but the scenario you're describing doesn't actually sound like the one in the op at all. Don't think your view is that useful here