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Original poster

Partner too close to teen daughter?

343 replies

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 22:19

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:58

ilconformista · 14/08/2024 23:49

Speaking as someone who had an inappropriate relationship with my father, and was groomed by him in my late teens, there was never anything as public as you describe - the hand-holding, knee-sitting stuff. It means nothing, really, but just not my experience of inappropriate daddy behaviour.

Thank you for the insight and I’m sorry to hear that x

OP posts:
Alifemoreordinary123 · 14/08/2024 23:57

I don’t think it’s typical behaviour at all, but wanted to say that I know two women who are like this with their Dad. It’s a very strange power play and I can completely understand why it feels off. Not trying to normalise it at all, but also don’t want you feeling like this is totally unique as it’s definitely not.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:54

Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 22:58

Tale as old as time.

Stepmothers that I have seen are nearly always bitter and resentful of their stepdaughter. For three reasons.

  1. The stepdaughter is younger and prettier.
  2. The stepdaughter is a reminder of the ex wife and probably looks like her.
  3. The stepdaughter is a female , who is getting the man's attention.
Edited

Wow this is madness.

if I was at all jealous of her it would be due to the attention and that’s me being really honest. Nothing whatsoever to do with how pretty she is or not, or if she looks like her mother who pretty much abandoned her . My family and I adore this child If I didn’t I would be long gone and not bothering to post about it all here for advice.

I’ve never ever made her aware of how strange I find it all, or even him for that matter. I’m trying to be cautious. I think this is incredibly black and white.

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 14/08/2024 23:53

Could you raise it with him from the angle of her needing to develop the confidence to make decisions herself without needing to run everything past him (via multiple calls a day!). At 19 she needs to be starting to have confidence in her judgement- or at least to try - and the code pendency is stifling that. I'd probably start with that before mentioning the physical stuff - perhaps if he's receptive to that and works on boundaries, this may taper off?

Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 23:51

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:49

No never, is there a similar thread?

Show quote history

Yes there have been many threads posted by stepmothers on here before, about this exact same issue

yesmen · 14/08/2024 23:50

*calls him “dadee “ with a slight babyish accent and tone.

PS - I see it largely drive. By her, not the dad. She is possessive of him and asserts her authority over others by being his number one.

It is uncomfortable.

Fifteentreefrogs · 14/08/2024 23:50

Look at it from her perspective.. she's clingy for a reason. Probably feels very insecure and wouldn't you? Her mum has a new family.. so does her dad. She's also very young barely an adult and that is a hard time.. leaving home for the first time etc
The relationship with her dad is probably very important to her right now so she is wanting a lot from him
You are wrong to make something creepy out of her being physically affectionate with him
Would you honestly think thar if she were your biological daughter.

I have a sad memory of trying to link arms with my dad once as a teen and being told it was inappropriate. That was a difficult time in my life and I guess I needed affection but then I felt so ashamed and like I was a total weirdo when I was told it was 'odd'. I feel so sad about it now as I have two daughters and I would NEVER in a month of Sundays, try and make something creepy out of or try and suggest that them showing physical affection to their father was wrong. At any age.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:49

Notthegoldenhourthebluehour · 14/08/2024 23:47

Have you posted about this before op

No never, is there a similar thread?

OP posts:
ilconformista · 14/08/2024 23:49

Speaking as someone who had an inappropriate relationship with my father, and was groomed by him in my late teens, there was never anything as public as you describe - the hand-holding, knee-sitting stuff. It means nothing, really, but just not my experience of inappropriate daddy behaviour.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:48

Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 23:42

You don't think that the

"Stepmother being jealous of her teen stepdaughter"

Is a more likely scenario than

"The dad actually having an affair with his own daughter".

I know which one I've heard happen much more often.

OP you haven't answered that point. Have you ever been jealous of the attention that he gives her?

Edited

He is absolutely not having an affair with her!

Being honest the behaviour has made me feel odd but I don’t know if jealous is the right word . Perhaps it is and I do need to be really careful. It’s actually made me feel quite anxious before but I can’t explain why .

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 14/08/2024 23:48

Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 23:42

You don't think that the

"Stepmother being jealous of her teen stepdaughter"

Is a more likely scenario than

"The dad actually having an affair with his own daughter".

I know which one I've heard happen much more often.

OP you haven't answered that point. Have you ever been jealous of the attention that he gives her?

Edited

Abi honey, you need to read the original post. All the information is there.

We get it, you think that older women are jealous of their stepdaughter, you don't need to keep posting saying the same thing. It's like that pesky fly that came in the window and buzzes past your ear.

Notthegoldenhourthebluehour · 14/08/2024 23:47

Have you posted about this before op

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/08/2024 23:46

I am on the fence with this given the history and your family dynamic as you describe. I was very close to my dad and wanted to be near him. We had a real "them and us" relationship for no real reason whatsoever. However, when I was about 18, I sat on his lap uninvited, at a family do where seating was at a premium. I genuinely didn't think anything of it but he said "you're too old for that now" and I was horrified and jumped up. Admittedly that incident kind of broke the bond in a way. Is it possible that they just haven't yet emerged from that kind of closeness? I agree it's inappropriate at her age and you need to talk to him. However, she may genuinely feel it's perfectly ok. It's bugging you and you must trust your gut so do speak out Flowers

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:46

Cinnamonginger · 14/08/2024 22:54

I was being generous to say up to 11/12 or even at a push 13 yo. Beyond that, not right.

their relationship is wrong as it is now. However, it may have started when she felt abandoned by dr mum always away and he was overcompensating with his attention and there was NEVER another adult to put an end to this sooner. Def As a mum, and around witnessing this, I would be interrupting it from. 11/12 yo so none was there to do that and dad maybe felt guilty enough not to push daughter away.

or, he was inappropriate with her when she was young, but where I have heard of this, I would expect it to be continuing which you don’t think it is.

i would be very careful when speaking to him. I would get therapy to help me how to speak with him. I do t think he will react to it well at all.

is your 15 yo son around when this happens? Is she also that close to the 15 yo? Sone women like male attention, from all men they know of.

Edited

She seems to have a really healthy relationship with 15yo he’s been to uni to visit her, they chat online and it seems like siblings we all adore her she is amazing with 12 y/o

i agree about therapist actually it feels like a big responsibility to bring it up and I really have to get it right.

OP posts:
yesmen · 14/08/2024 23:44

I have seen it.

A woman I know. Her dad is now 80, she is 60 and calls him “faded” in a slight baby accent and tone. Really insetting.

All her young adult and full adult life people have remarked on it, her mother, her brother, the father’s second wife, her ex husband.

It is a morbid thing.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:42

Neverneverneveragain · 14/08/2024 22:53

Your description of your DSD reminds me of my adult daughter and how she is with me, very affectionate, very intense, very emotional, shares everything and runs every decision by me. We are very close after a lot of family trauma and she is late diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. I would not read anything sinister in your situation.

This is interesting, I’ve actually thought before she might have additional needs which might explain her emotional intelligence.
Have you found that quite hard to manage?

OP posts:
Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 23:42

You don't think that the

"Stepmother being jealous of her teen stepdaughter"

Is a more likely scenario than

"The dad actually having an affair with his own daughter".

I know which one I've heard happen much more often.

OP you haven't answered that point. Have you ever been jealous of the attention that he gives her?

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:39

Cinnamonginger · 14/08/2024 22:42

Quick Q OP @VivienneBMama Is the father rich/ wealthy or well off?

Not rich but pretty comfortable

OP posts:
Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:37

Poppalina37 · 14/08/2024 23:30

So, my ex husband and I divorced when our daughter was 6, he worked away quite a lot during our marriage and more so when we divorced. I found that my daughter would be incredibly tactile with him when he was home and I always thought it was because she missed him. Anyway, this type of interaction within their relationship never really changed. She's 21 now and she still wants him more than ever... it's very intense. She has a boyfriend who treats her incredibly well but this thing with her dad is very strange and I'm her birth mother!
However, I can remember speaking to a child psychologist through work and explaining her behaviour and she said that she sees it often in her role.
When parents separate the father often leaves the house... this breaks the bond that they have and can leave an attachment trauma.

It kinda made sense to me x before it went off to the oil rigs he was gone a lot x he may have the odd overnight business trip to the city... but nothing that lasted weeks.

This is so interesting and useful thank you. I’m glad to know that even birth mothers can feel this. Her mother has actually commented before they she feels left out of their relationship (not to me but to DSD) so it’s definitely a thing.

OP posts:
Messen · 14/08/2024 23:35

Neverneverneveragain · 14/08/2024 22:53

Your description of your DSD reminds me of my adult daughter and how she is with me, very affectionate, very intense, very emotional, shares everything and runs every decision by me. We are very close after a lot of family trauma and she is late diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. I would not read anything sinister in your situation.

I agree with you. She sounds a lot like one of mine with me and for the same reasons.

I’d say something is up here, in terms of it being emotionally atypical but it may not be anything very black and bleak in the sense of abuse. Of course it could be, it always could be, and you should pursue it if something doesn’t feel right to you.

what also strikes me is you say she is fully part of your blended unit. She can’t be, she will not actually feel that way I would 99% guarantee, as she spent almost all of her formative years in a different family set up either just with her dad, or with her dad and mum when together.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:34

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 14/08/2024 22:41

I too think you need to have a conversation with your DP about this. Could you maybe say that your sisters have mentioned the constant cuddling and wanting to sit on his lap seems rather inappropriate at her age, and see what his reaction is? If he seems to get mad about it quite quickly, or just brushes it off, then see how you feel about his response. If he gets too mad and defensive, then I would definitely think that something isn't right, and would give serious thought to ending the relationship. However, if on the other hand, he says something like 'you know, I've never really thought about it, but yeh, I guess it might seem odd to other people but we've always been a cuddly pair, since she was tiny' or something like that, then it might just be that it's a way she's continued from when she was younger, and with Mum & Dad not being together, there was no other adult in the household in a position to say 'hey sweetheart, you're too old to be sitting on Dad's lap now', or whatever. It really is a difficult situation to give advice on, but you definitely need to broach it with your DP, and see how you feel once you know his reaction.

This is a really good way to put it . I don’t want to hurt either of them but I also owe it to both of them to be honest I guess .

OP posts:
Myusernamemustbeatleastthreecharacters · 14/08/2024 23:32

I recall when I was 19 I was a waitress in a cafe, a regular group of three used to come in and the girl who I would say was 15-16 ish, and came across as very timid, was regularly sitting on his lap in the booths right next to the mum figure. I felt very uncomfortable about that family and really didn't like the dad.

I've always felt uncomfortable around this type of thing, though, which partly stems from not having a great dad myself.

Poppalina37 · 14/08/2024 23:30

So, my ex husband and I divorced when our daughter was 6, he worked away quite a lot during our marriage and more so when we divorced. I found that my daughter would be incredibly tactile with him when he was home and I always thought it was because she missed him. Anyway, this type of interaction within their relationship never really changed. She's 21 now and she still wants him more than ever... it's very intense. She has a boyfriend who treats her incredibly well but this thing with her dad is very strange and I'm her birth mother!
However, I can remember speaking to a child psychologist through work and explaining her behaviour and she said that she sees it often in her role.
When parents separate the father often leaves the house... this breaks the bond that they have and can leave an attachment trauma.

It kinda made sense to me x before it went off to the oil rigs he was gone a lot x he may have the odd overnight business trip to the city... but nothing that lasted weeks.

abracadabra1980 · 14/08/2024 23:30

Abigail47 · 14/08/2024 22:58

Tale as old as time.

Stepmothers that I have seen are nearly always bitter and resentful of their stepdaughter. For three reasons.

  1. The stepdaughter is younger and prettier.
  2. The stepdaughter is a reminder of the ex wife and probably looks like her.
  3. The stepdaughter is a female , who is getting the man's attention.
Edited

Speak for yourself. I adore my DSD. No ifs or buts. She's kind, respectful, fun, engaging and attractive. The last thing I feel is jealousy-in just grateful and privileged to have her in my life.

Pallisers · 14/08/2024 23:27

I have daughters a couple of years older than this who have a very close relationship with their dad. Ditto me and my dad. I observe my kids' friends with their parents too.

I would be very weirded out if I saw a 19 year old sit on her dad's lap - yeah maybe in a crisis but just to be close - no. Ditto holding hands in public. My own dds would find it weird too.

The texting - well I spoke every day to my daughters when they were in university - sometimes a few times a day. That alone wouldn't bother me. But the whole story OP tells (and I do believe OP is concerned about the relationship being healthy - not jealous or any other of the nonsense posted about stepmothers)

Something is off kilter in their relationship

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