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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner too close to teen daughter?

343 replies

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 22:19

This is complicated so I’ll try and make it brief and please no hate I’m genuinely confused and trying to do the best by everyone.

DP lives with me and my two boys 12 & 15 and he has a DD age 19 at university, she comes home to us in holidays etc . I honestly feel love towards her as do the boys, known her since 14 etc we do nice things together as a blended family , she’s fully integrated into my huge family etc.

DP and DSD ( call her that for now) are incredibly close, they speak daily , and had a few years living together when her parents split before they moved in with us ( her mum is a doctor and works mad hours)

She gets on well with her mum but she’s not around much , has new partner and new child . I’m very aware of this and make sure she has plenty of time with her Dad and always feels completely welcome here. I actually love her being here.

BUT I feel sometimes that their relationship is a bit much emotionally and sometimes physically too (NOT sexually obviously) but sometimes very cuddly - she sits on his lap - they are both tall - she is 5.9 and he is 6.4 so sometimes it looks a bit strange . They hold hands sometimes whilst we’re out. She is very emotional and calls him sometimes 5/6 times a day . She fills him in on every thing happening at uni and runs all decisions by him. She sometimes gets a bit upset if we are alone and kind of plays him off against me wants to be alone with him a lot and says things like ‘ I need some time alone with my Dad ‘ quite regularity for dinners out etc but in quite a dramatic way rather than just them hanging out . Ira hard to explain but my sisters ( all have kids) have also noticed it they love her but feel likes it a bit much.

Its hard but we have a lovely relationship , she seems to love being here but I feel like she’s more confident and even happier when he’s not around, or when she is making decisions without him - he works away sometimes and she’s here with me and the boys so it makes me feel like the boundaries with them are a bit blurred. The physical really bothers me - once someone thought she was his girlfriend when we were out and it mortified me - maybe I’m just jealous but I’m also just a bit creeped out to be honest . I don’t want it to cause a wedge between us so I haven’t said anything I have to be really delicate. Don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:24

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

Oh FFS. I thought the whole creepy "mini wife" shit was banned from this board years ago.

It's hard enough being a SM without all of this nonsense being pushed and given credibility.

Bellsandthistle · 15/08/2024 00:23

@Abigail47 have you tried therapy?

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:22

I disagree.

Fill your boots.

If this was a stepfather joining a family and complaining a teenage son was too close to a mother, though, it would be the stepfather who quite rightly was criticised for it.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:22

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

Thanks, I had no idea that was a board. I will look there and definitely get some advice. It’s really mixed here and although helpful really confusing and I want to get it right.

OP posts:
Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:22

I can think of another example.

My uncles wife was jealous of me.

Not in a "she thought my uncle was attracted to me".

But she would get extremely jealous if he gave a compliment to me in any way.

For example he complimented my haircut once. His wife turned and glared at him. And he then said to his wife "oh but your hair is lovely too kate".

I remember another time he said to me something really inoffensive. You know , something you couldn't possible get jealous of. And she still got jealous of it.

I was playing with their dog. And my uncle said to me "the dog really likes you abigail."

And my aunt glared at him and said immediately "but what about me, the dog also likes me".

She disliked me solely because I was young, female and getting some of my uncles attention

Katbum · 15/08/2024 00:20

He is your husband - you have every right to tell him how he is behaving with his daughter is making you feel uncomfortable and is inappropriate and disrespectful to your marriage. I had to have a similar chat with my DH when his daughter started puberty and he was still sleeping in bed with her (she sleeps naked) cos she is scared of the dark! My DH immediately understood what I meant, just literally hadn’t considered it because in his eyes she’s still his baby. Your DH needs to enforce boundaries that demonstrate to his DD that your intimate relationship is his priority. He is her parent. She is now at an age she needs to detach from him and experiment with forming primary bonds with other people. Of course, they can be close - but you are his wife and if it were me I’d be very clear to him that treating you as such is non-negotiable.

Incakewetrust · 15/08/2024 00:20

@Abigail47 neither 🙂 I've never been married before and neither DH or I have any children from previous relationships.
Also, I don't sit on my dad's knee or walk around holding his hand because A. I'm not 5 years old and B. I don't have daddy issues ✌️
Your turn.

mm81736 · 15/08/2024 00:19

I suspect your dsd does not feel half as happy and secure in your wonderful blended family as you like to portray.
She's laying claim to her dad!

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:19

PassingStranger · 15/08/2024 00:16

Poor young lady. Her parents split, her mums busy and has a new baby, her dad's moved in with someone else's children and now the step mum is talking about her on a internet forum .
Perhaps it would be easier op if you found a man that didn't have children, or never saw them.🙄

This is really so unhelpful . So if I left her and she had to move out of my house , leave my children , my family who all adore her that is better for her?
I’m asking for advice not judgement.
I might not speak to him about it but abandoning her at this stage of her life is the last thing she needs thanks though!

OP posts:
Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:18

Female jealousy can be very intense.

Some women don't like any other woman, including his own daughter, around their man

memoriesofamiga · 15/08/2024 00:18

What you have here, OP, is a Mini Wife. It's a very real thing.

I have one in my blended family, although she is 15 so a bit younger. I'd suggest doing some research before you speak to your DP, but expect him to get defensive about it.

And Get over to the Step parents board, it's a better place to have this discussion than AIBU. You'll find yourself among those who understand it better there.

ilconformista · 15/08/2024 00:18

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:17

I think this might be a "you" problem OP.

I disagree.

LiterallyOnFire · 15/08/2024 00:17

I think this might be a "you" problem OP.

Babyshambles90 · 15/08/2024 00:16

I think talking to someone like a therapist who can give a more independent perspective is a sound plan. For what it’s worth it comes across that you really care about them both so I’m sure you’ll find a sensitive way to help them disentangle a bit without losing their bond. Out of curiosity, does your discomfort come more from what other people will think if they see this behaviour, or is it more that you intrinsically think the dynamic between them is unhealthy? That might help shape your approach.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:16

Fifteentreefrogs · 14/08/2024 23:50

Look at it from her perspective.. she's clingy for a reason. Probably feels very insecure and wouldn't you? Her mum has a new family.. so does her dad. She's also very young barely an adult and that is a hard time.. leaving home for the first time etc
The relationship with her dad is probably very important to her right now so she is wanting a lot from him
You are wrong to make something creepy out of her being physically affectionate with him
Would you honestly think thar if she were your biological daughter.

I have a sad memory of trying to link arms with my dad once as a teen and being told it was inappropriate. That was a difficult time in my life and I guess I needed affection but then I felt so ashamed and like I was a total weirdo when I was told it was 'odd'. I feel so sad about it now as I have two daughters and I would NEVER in a month of Sundays, try and make something creepy out of or try and suggest that them showing physical affection to their father was wrong. At any age.

I truly do see this. This is what I tell myself all the time, and why I haven’t said anything .
I can’t shake this feeling as times goes on that it isn’t actually very healthy for her as she’s getting older. Another poster has suggested speaking about helping her to be less dependent on him for the decision making which I think is a good place to start.

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 15/08/2024 00:16

Poor young lady. Her parents split, her mums busy and has a new baby, her dad's moved in with someone else's children and now the step mum is talking about her on a internet forum .
Perhaps it would be easier op if you found a man that didn't have children, or never saw them.🙄

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:12

Cardinalita90 · 14/08/2024 23:53

Could you raise it with him from the angle of her needing to develop the confidence to make decisions herself without needing to run everything past him (via multiple calls a day!). At 19 she needs to be starting to have confidence in her judgement- or at least to try - and the code pendency is stifling that. I'd probably start with that before mentioning the physical stuff - perhaps if he's receptive to that and works on boundaries, this may taper off?

i really like this idea because to be honest I don’t think he always does give her enough credit - she is bright and very funny and kind and she can make her own decisions - even if it does go wrong at least she would have tried for herself. This is a good place to start and not overstepping or making anyone feel awkward.

OP posts:
Neverneverneveragain · 15/08/2024 00:11

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:42

This is interesting, I’ve actually thought before she might have additional needs which might explain her emotional intelligence.
Have you found that quite hard to manage?

Show quote history

No I did not realise until recently but I feel like her PA, her executive function and I help her to regulate emotionally. We had many years on our own just me and her sisters and her when we had a lot of fun and freedom and really bonded. Now we live with my partner as well but the bond with him is difficult. Not sure how much my situation compares to yours but my thinking is that your partner is responding to her needs. I don’t do these things with my other children that need me in different ways.

Abigail47 · 15/08/2024 00:11

Incakewetrust · 15/08/2024 00:08

@Abigail47 my guess is you're either the scorned ex wife, jealous of the new wife OR you were the step daughter with the 'evil stepmother' and you are also inappropriately physical with your own dad.
Which one is it?

And which one are you?

Why don't you introduce yourself first

DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 15/08/2024 00:10

She sounds infantile and everything else is stemming from that.

If you speak to him, use this angle. A way of getting her to mature and have some resilience. At the moment he is enabling her to remain childlike and it is not a healthy dynamic.

Manlon · 15/08/2024 00:09

I'm on the fence. Hope you will allow me some scope to explain.

the sitting on the lap thing - I've done it, I've seen friends do it and my sister-in-law does it with her Dad (my FIL) but context is everything.

Trying to think of an example to give the context, so on holiday - we were once taking the piss out of my FIL. All good fun and some banter. It was his birthday. There'd been some alcohol. There'd been some attempts at doing a tik tok dance. It was a good night. My SIL sat on her Dad's knee and did a 'oh Daddy we do love you really' with her arms round him. I have a photograph of it. She was 30yrs!

So that's the sort of time and place where I've seen it/done it.

If my FIL had a new wife at that dinner/evening - I could imagine her being a bit put out by it. Of course, her own Mum just laughed and said - 'oh here we go, fluttering your eyelashes, what are you creeping for? What you after?' Said as a joke, like going back to a time when the 6yr old version of her would do this.

The other point is it could be that the daughter feels highly insecure of you.

I had a friend at uni who was in a similar situation and this might be quite relevant to you. Her Dad remarried a few years before she started uni and everytime he came to visit - she threw herself at him and was so over the top with the 'oh Daddy, haha. Daddy you're so this, that and the other' Cuddling him constantly. It was weird.

She got really drunk one night, wound up breaking down about how no one loved her. She also didn't have a Mum in the picture (think she moved abroad). Basically her lifestory was that after their divorce - everyone had moved on with new lives and new families and she just didn't know where she belonged. She was desperate to be someone's number one priority. She was howling, took 5 of us to try and calm her down. It was all no one loved her. No one cared about her. It would be easier for everyone if she was dead - that sort of drunk emotional breakdown. She didn't have any biological siblings either, although all her step-siblings did.

Away from her family dynamics (and alcohol) she was smart, confident and self sufficient. Although it was clear there was something off with her - she was running a bit of a personality disorder that would be too long winded to explain here. But something definitely not right.

She graduated uni and I heard some years later she had a complete and utter break down - she had to go to a sort of priory type place - as in - she wasn't sectioned but she was hospitalised for it.

So perhaps she's deeply insecure about you. Her own mother clearly doesn't give a stuff. You have your own kids, plus you have her Dad.

Your gut might be right - something is off - but possibly you're a bit off the track about why.

Maybe read up on attachment issues - that might help.

Incakewetrust · 15/08/2024 00:08

@Abigail47 my guess is you're either the scorned ex wife, jealous of the new wife OR you were the step daughter with the 'evil stepmother' and you are also inappropriately physical with your own dad.
Which one is it?

ilconformista · 15/08/2024 00:06

VivienneBMama · 14/08/2024 23:58

Thank you for the insight and I’m sorry to hear that x

Show quote history

In a way, what's happening with your DH and DSD feels more 'innocent' because it's so openly displayed, they aren't hiding anything. It's still weird, but in a better way than if things were happening secretly behind the scenes.

Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:06

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/08/2024 23:46

I am on the fence with this given the history and your family dynamic as you describe. I was very close to my dad and wanted to be near him. We had a real "them and us" relationship for no real reason whatsoever. However, when I was about 18, I sat on his lap uninvited, at a family do where seating was at a premium. I genuinely didn't think anything of it but he said "you're too old for that now" and I was horrified and jumped up. Admittedly that incident kind of broke the bond in a way. Is it possible that they just haven't yet emerged from that kind of closeness? I agree it's inappropriate at her age and you need to talk to him. However, she may genuinely feel it's perfectly ok. It's bugging you and you must trust your gut so do speak out Flowers

This is exactly why I’m mindful to say anything . If I say something to him and he changes how he is with her, how damaging could that be? What if it all naturally stops which is why I haven’t said anything before. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting then/ her especially but I also feel like I owe it to them for some reason too. It’s so hard and confusing . Thanks for the insight btw x

OP posts:
Original poster
VivienneBMama · 15/08/2024 00:00

Alifemoreordinary123 · 14/08/2024 23:57

I don’t think it’s typical behaviour at all, but wanted to say that I know two women who are like this with their Dad. It’s a very strange power play and I can completely understand why it feels off. Not trying to normalise it at all, but also don’t want you feeling like this is totally unique as it’s definitely not.

You know as I write all of this and read on I think I’m more puzzled with him. He’s the adult and it does feel off . She’s just a child / young woman who has issues with her mum but it’s his job ( and mine) to make her feel secure and wanted but without the boundaries crossing .

OP posts:
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