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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

532 replies

endlessnonsense · 14/08/2024 08:22

I have a friend (well, she's equally a friend of me and DH, she and her XH used to be our neighbours). We now only see her a couple of times a year as we live far away now, and I wouldn't call her a really close friend. When we go on holiday, which is to a hot seaside place in Europe, we often get friends joining us as we have a place to stay and a boat, which is fun. This year she came.

I spent a lot of the time she was here in a state of suppressed anger at her, which caused me to resent her being here. This is because she turned out, on a several-days long time together, rather than the odd dinner we usually have, to be constantly pretending (or was she pretending?) to be very thoughtful and considerate, when I felt she was being just the opposite, in a passive aggressive way.

Everywhere we suggested going and everything we suggested doing, she deferred to us, "oh I'll do whatever you want, don't worry about me", never offering any suggestions of her own or seeming especially enthusiatic. OK, fair enough, we know the place and she doesn't. But it went much further. She was always faux putting herself down/being the martyr/putting on performative sweetness.

My son has special needs and she is always supersweet to him, but I told her multiple times during the holiday, no, he doesn't want an ice cream, he doesn't like it. It must have run into more than a dozen times she said, "oh darling, do you want an ice cream, oh please let me get him an ice cream, I'll pay"(as though I wasn't getting him the ice cream myself because of meanness). (Strangely, although she knows he does like chocolate, she never once offered to buy him a chocolate)

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her. When she asked me how many people were coming and I mentioned it would be quite a few (in positive way, saying it would be a fun social event) she said, all sweetly, "well if you don't have room for me I'll just stay behind at the apartment, I don't mind at all". That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

Another (even more annoying) example, we were at a beach bar/restaurant with a bunch of people. Too many to get one table so we were split between 2 tables. Our food came marginally before the other table's (not more than 2 or 3 minutes). In that time she expressed concern that the toddler at the other table had not yet got her food, and actually got up to take her own plate of food to the toddler (it was a salad of some sort and the toddler was getting chips, so not even remotely the same thing). Me and DH had to physically get her to stop it and sit down before the toddler's mum saw.

She has always been very much a "oh don't worry about me, I'll just have a tap water" type of person, but on this holiday she really got my goat. She's left now and I am not sure if she noticed I was a bit snippy with her by the end. AIBU and a mean friend?

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 15/08/2024 13:08

@endlessnonsense to be fair, the thought of going away on holiday with anyone other than my dh and kids runs a chill through me anyway so it would not be for me.

Sounds like her staying elsewhere next time will lessen the iritation but the whole 'ill just have some bread' or 'omg, I must feed someone else's child' would piss me right off.

Good luck for next time.

Ilovecleaning · 15/08/2024 13:08

GreenPoppy · 15/08/2024 07:55

I'll add some cod psychology.

I don't think you are threatened by her, OP. I do think you are a little scared of her situation. Your DH wasn't bothered by her, yet you were excessively bothered. When that happens it's usually because something about the person is showing an aspect of yourself that you dislike.

So if you were without your entertaining DH, boat, house, and being reliant on friends - maybe you are scared that you too would be a 'wet blanket'.

Extremely cod! lol 😂

Original poster
endlessnonsense · 15/08/2024 12:00

@Tagyoureit I don't see her often because we now live in another country. We were previously neighbours for years and her XH is probably my DH's best friend. (I have just never been as close to her. We have both always worked long hours and were often not home, and our husbands were both SAH fathers for years, so they bonded over that and spent a lot of time together). Her XH has often come on holiday with us, now of course they come at different times, just like some other couples we know who have now split but continue to see us separately.

I am absolutely not "threatened" by her or "scared of her situation" (what is there to be scared of or threatened by?). I am indeed a quite anxious introvert who goes on holiday to the same place and with roughly the same people to prevent having to socialise too much with people I don't know or encountering anything unexpected, including situations which make things difficult for my disabled son. I am perfectly happy with that, I have no need to change and my personality is a perfect fit for my job, which involves spendng a lot of time alone analysing stuff. I love my holidays as they are. For a few weeks every year I get to socialise with people I know and don't see often, in a beautiful and familiar setting, then back I go into my shell. DH, who is by contrast very sociable and also unrelentingly positive about everyone, is also perfectly happy with the holidays.

The thread was about whether I was being unreasonably mean to someone (well, more about her rather than to her). Despite the ratio of the poll, on reflection I actually think I am, by failing to take her personality and situation in the round, although I don't think I can totally control my inward reaction to some of these incidents (and many others that I haven't described).

Anyway, she has just texted me to discuss dates for next year. She will be bringing her son and won't be staying with us, so I think it will be easier all round. I guess if she did notice my irritation, she has got over it. I now have a year to get a grip on my reactions! I will be working on creating a positive response to the parts of her I do like,

I agree with the strangeness of people thinking I would be pitying her because she is divorced. So patronising! More of my female friends are single or divorced than not, including some who have been here in the past few weeks. I dont pity, envy or feel scared of any of the divorced ones. I myself have been divorced. We are independent women who have moved on from a man who wasn't enhancing their life any more, what's to pity? (It's as weird as wondering whether she is "pretty").

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 15/08/2024 11:38

GreenPoppy · 15/08/2024 10:54

She was probably concussed and confused, at A&E and the next morning.

When you live alone you get used to trying to deal with stuff by yourself, it's not being a martyr.

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No there's martyrdom at play too, I get what you mean but it's all the other things that go along with 1 particular event.

OriginalUsername2 · 15/08/2024 11:33

ICallPeopleDudeNow · 15/08/2024 07:08

Nothing to add here except... I hear you 💐

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Basically a lot of people have no empathy whatsoever and will always assume the worst about someone’s motives. It’s a harsh world.

GreenPoppy · 15/08/2024 10:54

Tagyoureit · 15/08/2024 09:21

I'm not sure why you'd even go on holiday with someone you have 2 dinners with a year? Fucking crazy!

But yes, I completely understand your point. My old next neighbour is kind of the same and it drives me mad sometimes. I feel sorry for her as she's all on her own. Now we've moved, I do check on her. The other day she had a nasty fall whilst jogging, 2 teeth knocked out, massive bump on the head, she rang me, I took her to a&e, the wait was 2 hours, she didn't want to wait, then texts me to tell me she went at 6am the next morning on her bike feeling wobbly! Crazy, I was there with her, why not wait with me when I could drive her home etc? It's the martyrdom of it that annoys me.

She was probably concussed and confused, at A&E and the next morning.

When you live alone you get used to trying to deal with stuff by yourself, it's not being a martyr.

theleafandnotthetree · 15/08/2024 09:56

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/08/2024 08:31

Just as a complete aside and a total derail: it is making me grimly laugh at all the people pitying this woman (myself included) for being a divorcee as if she was recovering from a serious illness.

Divorce was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and was fantastic for my social life. Obviously it can cause anxiety and make people feel unsettled when they are going through it but we should not all assume that this turns her into an object of pathetic pity!

Divorced people can be very much more confident and social than people stuck in long, boring marriages!

So glad someone said this! I am separated for years and it has only enhanced my social life and social confidence. It was my dull marriage that dimmed me. I would hate anyone to feel sorry for me, I certainly don't feel sorry for myself.

Marinade · 15/08/2024 09:43

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/08/2024 00:59

@Marinade A pp called you out on what they perceived as hypocrisy earlier due to your comments on a different thread (which I didn't see) and you accused them of "stalking" you.

You've drawn a lot of attention to yourself on this thread by arguing relentlessly with several others posters.

It's not your opinion on whether the OP was mean or not that is the problem - it's your posting style; spiteful, obtuse, petty and childish that means I'll certainly recognise your username in future. No "stalking" 🙄 necessary.

Oh I recognise you - you are the poster I called erudite for this little 'gem below': Glad it struck a nerve with you! Hilarious to call be obtuse when you use this type of crude and vulgar language. Do you happen to write for the Sun? This site NEVER fails to please.

I'm glad there are people like you - it means I don't have to bother with irritating people. She would get right on my tits.

Marinade · 15/08/2024 09:34

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/08/2024 00:59

@Marinade A pp called you out on what they perceived as hypocrisy earlier due to your comments on a different thread (which I didn't see) and you accused them of "stalking" you.

You've drawn a lot of attention to yourself on this thread by arguing relentlessly with several others posters.

It's not your opinion on whether the OP was mean or not that is the problem - it's your posting style; spiteful, obtuse, petty and childish that means I'll certainly recognise your username in future. No "stalking" 🙄 necessary.

I deeply don't care how you or any other 'vanilla' random on this site perceives my posting style. You obviously need something to occupy your time so crack on with your sleuthing and amateur psychology 😂

Tagyoureit · 15/08/2024 09:21

I'm not sure why you'd even go on holiday with someone you have 2 dinners with a year? Fucking crazy!

But yes, I completely understand your point. My old next neighbour is kind of the same and it drives me mad sometimes. I feel sorry for her as she's all on her own. Now we've moved, I do check on her. The other day she had a nasty fall whilst jogging, 2 teeth knocked out, massive bump on the head, she rang me, I took her to a&e, the wait was 2 hours, she didn't want to wait, then texts me to tell me she went at 6am the next morning on her bike feeling wobbly! Crazy, I was there with her, why not wait with me when I could drive her home etc? It's the martyrdom of it that annoys me.

AcrosstheKenyanGrasslands · 15/08/2024 09:15

But to add to that, I hear a lot of the posters saying they sometimes see themselves doing things like the Ops friend and it helps me understand and be more empathetic in future to it - not veering straight to irritation as I agree this probably exacerbates it as the friend picks up on the irritation and does more and more to try and placate etc.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/08/2024 09:13

@AcrosstheKenyanGrasslands

I can't see how anyone could not inwardly cringe at the toddler salad moment. I don't have children. I would instinctively know however that it would not be appropriate to take my food over to another parent's child in this situation. True deference here - would be assuming that the parent of the child has control of the situation and doesn't need me to intervene.

It’s incredibly patronising, controlling and weird. Thinking you know more about the needs of a small infant you barely know than its parents. No way could that have been an act of genuine kindness.

AcrosstheKenyanGrasslands · 15/08/2024 09:09

Such an interesting thread and shows you how differently people think and 'read the room'

I can't see how anyone could not inwardly cringe at the toddler salad moment. I don't have children. I would instinctively know however that it would not be appropriate to take my food over to another parent's child in this situation. True deference here - would be assuming that the parent of the child has control of the situation and doesn't need me to intervene.

Going over with my own food is not deferential or people pleasing. It creates an impression that you think you know better than the parents, what the child needs.

It would different if they had forgot that tables food - of course then you would say - would 'child' want anything from our table to keep him going while you wait etc..

There is nuance here that I think a lot of people just don't see (which kind of explains a lot of why this happens in the first place)

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/08/2024 08:31

Just as a complete aside and a total derail: it is making me grimly laugh at all the people pitying this woman (myself included) for being a divorcee as if she was recovering from a serious illness.

Divorce was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and was fantastic for my social life. Obviously it can cause anxiety and make people feel unsettled when they are going through it but we should not all assume that this turns her into an object of pathetic pity!

Divorced people can be very much more confident and social than people stuck in long, boring marriages!

GreenPoppy · 15/08/2024 07:55

I'll add some cod psychology.

I don't think you are threatened by her, OP. I do think you are a little scared of her situation. Your DH wasn't bothered by her, yet you were excessively bothered. When that happens it's usually because something about the person is showing an aspect of yourself that you dislike.

So if you were without your entertaining DH, boat, house, and being reliant on friends - maybe you are scared that you too would be a 'wet blanket'.

Ilovecleaning · 15/08/2024 07:38

AudHvamm · 15/08/2024 06:58

You might enjoy this https://mantracare.org/therapy/therapy-types/cod-psychology/ 😂

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Thank you! 😀
🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟

ICallPeopleDudeNow · 15/08/2024 07:08

PumpkinPieAlibi · 14/08/2024 13:31

Yes, exactly.

I feel sorry for the friend because I see some of my behaviour in her and it truly is NOT manipulative as some have said. Is it so hard to realise that some people, due to a lack of self-esteem and confidence, may try to make themselves as unobtrusive and amenable to others as possible? It's partly to be likeable but also to avoid attention, which if you have ever been in an abusive relationship or had a difficult upbringing, just becomes second-nature.

The number of posts calling the friend annoying, a martyr, manipulative, performative and all manner of unnecessarily mean things is quite sad. Granted, the ice cream thing was definitely uncalled for but the others were her probably just trying to be fit in to the existing group dynamic and her way of being grateful for being included in the first place.

I am projecting now, but this thread answers some of my questions as to why I sometimes struggle socially. No matter how genuinely nice and helpful you may try to be, it is sometimes just not enough.

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Nothing to add here except... I hear you 💐

Ilovecleaning · 15/08/2024 01:38

endlessnonsense · 14/08/2024 17:42

I meant that I invited her as much as I invited anyone else, some of whom came and some didnt, as every year. Not just her and not because I pity her.

Not liking me is anyone's perogative, I am sure you aren't the only one!

OP, I admire your mature, controlled responses to some of the idiotic criticisms of you on here. My goodness, you’ve been called performative, jealous, a show-off…
How can anyone think the woman you describe as ‘nice’? Who would repeatedly offer ice-cream to a child who dislikes it then compound the idiocy by implying the parent is too mean to pay? She would have driven me batty.

tillylula · 15/08/2024 01:34

Ah I'm a flaky "I don't mind" person 🤣 thanks for this thread, I can now work on myself and be more assertive. Always been told to be more assertive, but never been told how annoying it is 🤷‍♀️

Ilovecleaning · 15/08/2024 01:08

Marinade · 14/08/2024 13:03

Diagnosed with Anti Social Personality Disorder as per DSM 5 criteria or just 'plucked out of the air' diagnosed using cod psychology because you don't like him?

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“Cod psychology’ always makes me think of someone who is trying to psychoanalyse a fish.

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/08/2024 00:59

@Marinade A pp called you out on what they perceived as hypocrisy earlier due to your comments on a different thread (which I didn't see) and you accused them of "stalking" you.

You've drawn a lot of attention to yourself on this thread by arguing relentlessly with several others posters.

It's not your opinion on whether the OP was mean or not that is the problem - it's your posting style; spiteful, obtuse, petty and childish that means I'll certainly recognise your username in future. No "stalking" 🙄 necessary.

Ilovecleaning · 15/08/2024 00:58

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 14/08/2024 12:19

Honest opinion OP- You come across as hard work yourself.

There's something performative about how much you go on about this place and your boat and your large number of friends who all spontaneously want to do mass, fun outings. Tbh I'm not sure I'd want to go on holiday with either of you.

I don’t know which is the better emoji to respond to this:
🙄
or
🤣

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2024 00:19

LeontineFrance · 14/08/2024 08:55

She reminds me of a divorcee we have in our social group who goes out of her way to please everyone. She makes conversation with each person when she arrives, does all the tea and coffee making and washing up and tells us all how shy she is. It is embarrassing how she puts herself out to fit in. Just not your fit. Neither of you is right or wrong. Just keep a wide berth of her.

Why would you be embarrassed by someone's coping mechanism? If she is shy then she'll be keeping busy to take the pressure off talking to people. Or she might like being busy. What's wrong with acknowledging everyone on arrival?

I get what the OP means but I'm quite easy going, can find something I'd want to eat on every menu, enjoy any day out, I just like being out and enjoy tiding up/being busy. I'm by no means trying to fit in.

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/08/2024 00:14

Jellybeanbag · 14/08/2024 20:10

According to you

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According to 60% of responders.

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