Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

If I was visiting somewhere for the first time and staying with people who knew it well I'd defer to their suggestions. As for the day out and I'll stay behind, if that was me it would mean, "I'm worn out with all this socialising and would love a day to myself just chilling." The icecream is odd, has she got memory issues?

If you don't like her you don't like her but none of it seems particularly awful.

@Projectme "I also work with someone very like OP's friend. Drives me bonkers with the 'oh don't worry about me' but in the next breath 'life is so shit for me atm; XYZ has happened' (typical event like a bulb going in the car) 'why does it always happen to me...' gaaahhhhh!!!!!"

Yes!! So it seems these behaviours go hand in hand, omg we should start more threads!

YOU are interpreting her actions as passive aggressive. SHE may just be that sort of person who was raised in the 'children should be seen but not heard' era or raised and taught to always defer to others. That would explain why she is particularly sensitive to the perceived needs of children. She may genuinely have thought 'I don't want anyone missing out/compromising what they want to do to suit me'.

I was certainly raised that way. If we were ever offered anything at someone's house as kids, we were told never accept it, as that was rude or if we were allowed to take dome birthday cake or something at a party, to only ever take the smallest slice. Never accept all the praise and always defer to the group wishes and not put yourself first.

In other words she may just be a completely guileless person. You know super sweet people really exist and are never appreciated in society. Social parlance in the UK expects everyone to hide themselves to a degree, don't put your heart on the table, don't accept people at face value, don't appear too ernest, don't be too 'good' etc etc., don't be too nice to those who don't return it, a lot of social hangover BS from the Victorian era. It must be really tough to manage for some people especially if they have SEN. These days I more and more appreciate the forthrightness and straight forwardness of other cultures. It's refreshing.

That said I get that it could be nonetheless annoying if your personalities differ. I think it's a personality clash, but there's no need to dissect the poor woman's character and ascribe nasty motives to what were likely just her being herself without intention to seriously annoy.

+1

She has not done much evil. She is probably anxious because she is single and you are in couples? I prefer solo holidays and socialising or with my immediate family. Before getting married many people would invite me to things and the minute there are couples or more people whom I don't know, all I wanted to do is escape or make myself invisible. So probably I tried to feed a toddler also and in my case that went very well, because that toddler did not each much apart from mashed potato and since that day he started asking the food Milky made and his mum used my name to encourage him to eat: eat this for Milky......what a bizarre situation. The woman has not done much wrong

Oh so much this: My E-H would always help if someone was around to see, but it would be help I didn't need or want - if I came back from shopping for example he'd sigh and rush to carry the bags in from the car so the neighbours could see, saying "let me help, tsk tsk, BHS can't manage". he'd say "but I ALWAYS help you!!" yet ask him to hold a baby, take the dog out or clean the windows, no way.

So maybe I’m projecting but I feel sorry for her, she sounds overwhelmed and like she is trying to contain it/ cover it up so as not to be a downer. Being overwhelmed would account for repeatedly offering the ice cream, it’s kind of like running a default program because your brain is a bit jammed up

I get this and if you are sad or low it can be an effort to be “sparkly”. I can relate to being distanced or low key because you are feeling like this. But this is different.

This is trying to use yourself as an agreeable one-size-fits-all service human without and personality because you think (consciously or otherwise) it will make people like you more.

Its absolutely endemic in women because of a certain kind of upbringing (usually by a mother who is herself like this.) It’s dishonest and profoundly unhelpful because the women who do it end up bitter and frustrated when other don’t respond well to it.

I think two things are true here. You are being mean and she is being annoying.

You clearly really dislike her and couldn’t bring yourself to actually tolerate her. I feel sorry for her, she’s obvs been through a rough time, and understood you resented her being there, so kept trying to please/appease/help/not be a hinderence and getting it drastically wrong.

to be honest I suspect whatever she did you’d have been the same, as you simply dislike her.

you do seem a little focused on her being single now, and hoping she finds a bloke. I do hope this isn’t about not wanting a single woman in your group. Or that you sense she’s struggling so your instinct is to bully.

id examine your own behaviour and why. Honestly. Just in your own head. The reason you started the thread is you know you didn’t behave well.

My mother in law is this type of person! Very frustrating! OP it’s a difficult person to be around and sometimes feel you are ‘babysitting’ because you have to make these decisions on behalf of someone else or with them in mind constantly because apparently they don’t mind. Luckily as she is a friend maybe just fade the friendship out nicely and you have done no wrong she just isn’t your type of person. You never do know someone fully until you have been on holiday with them!

Mine too. It drives me a bit bananas but I try to understand that it’s down to a massive lack of self esteem and not wanting to be seen to ‘take up too much space’. Don’t really know how to deal with it though, I’d love to see her being more assertive and enjoying life more.

She was just trying to show her gratitude and be thoughtful but somewhat missing the .ark.
I rather thi k you are trying very hard to make her seem unreasonable.

My neighbour is going through a bad patch of anxiety ATM, I've had anxiety; it doesn't turn you into someone who is passive aggressive. It just doesn't.
Passive aggressive behaviour isn't caused by anxiety. If it was, you could cure it by fixing the anxiety.

I have a mum like this too. It was the way she was brought up I guess. But then, she tried to bring me up the same way and got the opposite as a result (much to her chagrin).

I also work with someone very like OP's friend. Drives me bonkers with the 'oh don't worry about me' but in the next breath 'life is so shit for me atm; XYZ has happened' (typical event like a bulb going in the car) 'why does it always happen to me...' gaaahhhhh!!!!!

@Its2024happynewyear said it much more succincntly!

Ouch - this kind of response from you here sounds quite painful to receive! It sounds like she was treading on eggshells generally…. And potentially nothing to do with you initially, eg maybe playing out from the end of her relationship mixed in with general lack of confidence.
but she was probably hyper alert to your feelings of irritation and getting more and more submissive as another pp has says.

I’ve fallen into the trap of being a bit like her when I’d had a bit of a breakdown (genuinely). However I’ve also had situations in that time where I did assert myself and got completely cut down - I realised that not all my relationships were built on equal respect for needs etc. For a while this fed into it having to feel very safe to come out and assert my needs, however I’ve got no problem with identifying my preferences and thoughts, I just became very private.
in her situation, I’d feel trapped and would be wishing for the end of the holiday!
it’s not for you to decipher but possibly she won’t want to come next year, whatever she said in the moment. I don’t imagine she’ll be storming down your door by the way you’ve described her, so perhaps you could just leave it open for a bit and see how your relationship goes.
I would also say that if you stick to your boundaries but also try and dig for a bit of compassion for her, things might turn out better, regardless of whether you invite her on holiday again.

What a scumbag. Nothing worse than ‘helpful’ people.

Really interesting because I hate this type of behaviour as well - its obsequious, I find people do it at work to curry favour and my Ex-H used to thrive on it - trying to show what an 'umble man he was. I agree it's performative. But many on this thread don't and I am interested to see why people think its ok or due to anxiety etc.

I hate people who get angry at you over shit that DOES NOT MATTER but they insist on doing anyway.

I have friends who INSIST you have a cup of tea or coffee (I don't really drink either) and then get mad when they ask for details of how you want it and you say 'I don't mind' or 'whatever is easiest for you'.

I don't want it any specific way because I don't 'want' it at all but after 2 decade of friendship I know they are going to give me one regardless despite knowing I don't like it and never drink it. I'm not the one being passive aggressive and awkward, its a stupid little ritual we have to go through because they where raised that thats how you host.

Sometime when people say 'I don't mind' they are literally just politely saying 'I don't actually give a fuck either way, stop asking' at the control/constant questions/faffing being forced on them by others. If they do it all the time or on the same question again and again yet you still ask its more a cue to look at your own behavior.

For the record a huge outing somewhere with a bunch of people I don't know but who all know each other sounds like my idea of hell. Who on earth would enjoy that, thats not 'for her' that your friends and you totally 3rd wheeled (the the extreme) your guest.

Gosh this post has really triggered something in me because I hate it so much when people do this. It is so ultra fake. And yet some people are completely unable to see through it.

I genuinely think she was doing the ‘I don’t want to be too much trouble thing’. She’s there on her own without a partner and just thought ‘I’ll fit in with everyone else’. Buying a kid an ice cream is just a sweet thing to offer. We were on holiday this year and another Mum kept offering to buy my children ice cream because my kids had played a lot with her daughter who was on her own, first of all we kept saying ‘oh you don’t have to do that!’ But SHE wanted to to show her appreciation. It was a nice thing. And not many people would think to buy a kid chocolate in hot country. It’s literally the one time our family doesn’t eat chocolate.

Sometimes people clash, I know someone who I would describe as a wet blanket and she talks ever so quietly and is very self-deprecating way and she’s not my cup of tea at all, but this lady doesn’t seem to have done much wrong IMO.

You invited her, but it didn’t work out, so just leave it next year. You live and learn.

I used to work with someone like this, performative self-sacrifice but she was honestly one of the most unkind people I've ever met, she just wouldn't do it to your face. Not sure if your friend is the same but I wouldn't countenance a friendship going forward, just let it drop.

Do I have a secret sister?!

its almost like people like this are so concerned with being perceived as nice and kind that they actually end up forgetting to actually be nice and kind!

I’m fairly laid back but after years of going on holidays with friends I have realised that it is a nightmare, doomed to spoil the friendship. I love my friends but think that holidays bring out the worst in some people and then you have no breathing space. Any small incompatibilities get magnified. Are YBU? Possibly a little but you still deserve a happy holiday without the niggles when you are going out of your way to be decent.