Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

It does sound as though she has very little self esteem and that she's a people pleaser as a result. Chances are her ex treated her a lot worse than you think he did. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be irritated but I do honestly think that she could do with patience and being built up instead of someone being annoyed with her for trying not to make a negative impact on any one.

I agree. There's a lot of people attributing negative reasons to her with no evidence.

Performative
Attention seeking
Passive aggressive
Only doing it to look good
Hopefully people who do this will realise how irritating they are
Martyring themselves
Not doing themselves any favours
Making others responsible

That says far more about the people who are writing these things than the lady in question.

How does anyone know whether she really doesn't mind? Or if she is genuinely thinking of others and wanting their ideas to come first?

Anyone actually suggested, without being shouted down that she may simply be a nice person who doesn't have strong opinions on what she wants to do?

@endlessnonsense are you Irish ? Is your friend Irish? This is a really common thing here !! I’m so surprised you haven’t come across this a lot.
My neighbour was here yesterday ,”do you want a coffee?”, no , no , ok I will , don’t go to any trouble” that’s a nice top”, “oh it’s old enough , can’t remember when I got it , just dug it out “ etc etc . Really , really surprised you haven’t.come across this here. Like there’s even loads of sketches about this re. Irish people !!

Maybe it's a regional thing. Honestly, people frequently back away from being 'the one' to make the decision where I live (Belfast.) Maybe we don't like to get the blame if the outcome is a bit shit😆 But there is definitely an element of wanting to people please.

Yes. It’s perfectly possible you irritate people by your behaviour, but that’s possible for any of us — it’s just a facet of being human and being around other humans.

For instance, I don’t think most people on here would think it was unreasonable to accept a cup of tea from someone you were visiting (pre-arranged visit that would last a couple of hours), but my mother still gasps in visible dismay if I do in front of her.

To her that’s unconscionably rude, and the ‘correct’ way to do it is to say no about eight times, with an expression suggesting the tea offerer is in fact trying to give you a diamond necklace/their life savings, before eventually caving and saying ‘Oh, only if you’re having one yourself!’ The performance is then repeated for any cake/biscuits/other delicacies (‘I TOLD you not to go to any trouble! You SHOULDN’T HAVE!’ ‘Oh, I shouldn’t!’).

I just accept politely and say ‘That looks delicious, I’d love a slice’.

Which is the equivalent of shitting on someone’s doilies to my mum.

I think my need to be ‘nice’ when I was younger was definitely because of a version of this. Although I had a generally happy childhood and my parents weren’t abusive you just couldn’t be ‘naughty’ without a slap and/or a telling off. It makes you very anxious about annoying people but you end up annoying them anyway by being so compliant and agreeable all the time.

We all say “I don’t mind” sometimes. What’s irritating is when someone says it constantly, never expresses a preference, and always seems to be trying to bend to what everyone else wants - especially if it doesn’t look genuine or seems performative.

Realistically people don't always psychologically evaluate, unpick and dissect the effects of their upbringing though. Most people don't, unless they feel the side effects to themselves in a negative way.

People have the responsibility to have a certain awareness and tolerance that people can be different due to being raised differently (within reason of course, not talking very negative socialisation) and that doesn't automatically make their motives bad

Agreed

This is really odd behaviour

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her.

Why the need to organise a mass outing if she was the only person who hadn't seen it?

The problem is if you assert yourself and say, "I don't want to do x I want to do y" the same people will probably be just as angry about you being controlling and wanting to call all the shots. You can't win with some people.

She sounds like a nice person. You'll have to learn to be nice and direct with her. When she asks about icecream, say he hates icecream, but he'd love a bar of chocolate thank you! When she offers her salad to a child say, she doesn't want your salad, her chips are coming right now!

Oh, I can definitely relate to this! I'm in NI and it's completely normal to be self effacing and not want to impose your views. I sometimes wonder how any decisions ever get made!

This!
The thread has certainly bought out plenty of bitterness. I had no idea saying ‘I don’t mind’ developed such rage in people.
(now busily thinking of a new expression)

That would annoy me too. Let her go.

I think I probably do this sometimes. I'll speak up if I have a strong preference, but quite often, especially in situations like this, I'd be so grateful to have been included in the trip, I genuinely wouldn't care what we did once there. If something was organised where the numbers don't quite work out, I'd feel that, as the outsider, I should be the one to volunteer to sit out.

There is no need the complicate the ice cream thing, the endless not making decision thing would drive me up the wall but this anxiety excuse gets old

If you liked her you could rephrase questions so there is more direct answers needed but I would stay friends but not do the holiday thing

I'm now sitting here wondering if people hate me because of the way I react to things sometimes

You see this is an interesting example - it’s unlikely that people would hate you - That’s such a strong word. The OP hasn’t said she hates this lady - she’s irritated by her. (She does sound irritating) If you’re the type of person martyring yourself at every opportunity you’re not doing anyone a favours. All you’re doing is making someone else responsible for your welfare / happiness. “ I don’t mind” is only “ go with the flow” if it’s deployed sporadically. If you never make a suggestion or choice then you’re off loading the labour involved in decision making to someone else.

I used to be a bit like this when I was younger, not to that extent but definitely had a touch of it. I suddenly realised one day that people didn’t actually like that kind of person and my attempts to be ‘so nice how can you not like me’ got me dumped (by guys) on several occasions (I wasn’t quite as bad with friends). Thankfully I saw the light and became much more ‘real’ and now wouldn’t dream of behaving that way. I wonder if it contributed to her marriage break up because bottom line is it just makes a person look wet and insipid (even if none of it is done with bad intent). Mine came from a fear of not being liked but it was counter productive.

You sound a bit unreasonable to me. She was on your patch and trying to be polite and fit in. She could well be a bit anxious or people pleasing. Perhaps you need to say to her it's easier for you if she's more decisive and tells you more clearly what she likes and doesn't and what she fancies doing. She actually sounds a genuinely nice person to me from the slightly petty (sorry but they do really seem so insignificant) examples you give. If it's performative, I don't really get that as the examples seem so petty and don't have much of a stage!

Her "niceness" might be making you feel bad about yourself for some reason. On the other hand, having people to stay is a strain and maybe that magnifies the irritation you feel so, whether reaonsable or not, it is what it is and limiting the time you spend together will stop you being snippy with her.

She sounds absolutely lovely , just a really kind , humane person. So strange how you didn’t like how nice she was to your son.
Also I’m Irish and culturally this is very much a thing here “oh don’t worry about me”, “I don’t mind , do whatever suits you “ etc etc so you might not want to visit here @endlessnonsense or you’ll lose your shit here everyday !!! Please look up Killersundy-trying to make an Irish person choose on YouTube . You won’t like it op! Tell you friend to move to Ireland !

I can see how all that would be annoying, like others have said I do wonder if the breakup has had a negative impact on her. Her self esteem may have been damaged and it may have made her feel her husband or others think she’s not a good person, so she’s subconsciously trying to prove to herself and others around her that she is the this lovely perfect woman, hence all the performative stuff.

I’d try avoid having her on holiday again but maintain the friendship although maybe slightly more distanced enough so that she doesn’t irritate you.

Going on holiday with friends is a big thing and many otherwise strong friendships don’t survive it! I’ve heard of so many friendships ending or things going a bit sour after a trip.

So it’s not surprising you felt you seen another side of her that is more annoying than usual.

People keep saying ‘low self-esteem’ and ‘anxiety’ as if these were clinchers. Bluntly, they don’t make irritating behaviours any less irritating to be around.

Some people with poor self-esteem boast continually, some invent completely fictional pasts for themselves, or imaginary encounters with the opposite sex designed to imply someone found them irresistible. Some people with poor self-esteem continually put themselves down and leave an expectant pause in order for the other person to say ‘Nonsense, your dress is beautiful/you’re very clever/you’re a wonderful person’.

I once had a casual friend in a large group who, despite her manifold achievements, was so anxious she used to phone up every single time she’d seen me and say tearfully ‘I think I offended you today — did I say something awful? Tell me and I’ll apologise!’ On enquiry, she did it to nearly everyone. Every time.

Those behaviours absolutely come from a place of anxiety, but we’re responsible as adults for dealing with our own shit.