Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

Maybe she is just a really nice person? Sounds like she gave you the friend ick and now everything she does annoys you.

The tap water thing would irritate me though, it’s like it implies she thinks you that you think you are better than her. A lot of people called me a snob for preferring bottled water, only to find out there was sewage and E. coli in the water system in the UK!

People are naturally different in temperament and just because she’s very passive, it doesn’t mean that she was trying to annoy you. However, I think you could try being more tolerant and accepting of her personality traits.

My ex would always be ‘I don’t mind’, ‘you choose’ etc. and yes, it did annoy me as time went on as I always felt responsible for decision making and it was one of the reasons we broke up.

Wherever you are on holiday sounds great.
People like this, and it’s usually women I’m afraid , are so irritating. Just say what you would like or where you want to go.
The next person who says ‘I don’t mind’ when I’m making tea/ coffee I’m not going to be responsible.

'As I've said many times, he doesn't like ice cream. But he'd love it if you bought him X chocolate treat instead. Thanks!"

Just put her on the spot if you want her to stop.

There is nothing nice and easy going about continually trying to force the buying of an ice cream onto a child that doesn't want it with the added attempt at shaming the parent with the I'll pay for it comment.

Also, the getting up to take her salad to a toddler waiting for chips is again not being nice and easy going it is performative, an action that is designed for everyone else to witness with the purpose of them thinking and saying how very kind and thoughtful the person doing it is when it is nothing of the sort.

I am another who gets extremely irritated by the I don't mind/if you like/whatever you want types - it's tiresome.

@theleafandnotthetree i know exactly what you mean, I also have German relatives who lose their minds working in Ireland as it’s so so infuriating

I think that anyone who just thinks Op is a big meanie doesn't have much experience of people like this woman

That would drive me insane. Step mother in-law (is that a thing?) would actually produce a leftover sandwich from the car when invited for lunch in this kind of obsequious way. Actually came across rude.

I felt tired just reading that😁 thankfully that wasn’t my level of people pleasing, that would really get on my nerves.

Next thing you know you’ve got a text from friend saying she’s on a flight to the vineyards of Napa Valley😁

While some of us who are more assertive, the default position amongst lots of Irish people is to be 'I don't mind'-ish and easy-going, sometimes to the point of being infuriating. And some of those self same people will bitch horribly beforehand or afterwards rather than say there and then in front of others saying what they think/mean. I have been hung out to dry at meetings due the this behaviour which I see as cowardice rather than niceness/politeness. I know a few Dutch people in particular who live here who find our lack of directness infuriating.

@Lucyfoot oh it’s not at all just a woman thing, absolutely across the board with men and women alike. My brothers and male friends the exact same with clothes . I was just using an example with a woman as it was recent. I congratulated my friend on a job and he was like “ah it was only because the other (better candidate) was sick for the interview 😂 Probably incredibly annoying after a while as the op suggests.

@endlessnonsense are you or your friend Irish ?

What you describe is fucking annoying. It might come from a place of anxiety and kindness but it serves just to get her in the centre of attention and get everyone constantly tiptoeing around her and managing her emotions. I have a person like this in my family and it gives me the RAGE.

there isn't much pleasure in spending time with people who never have an opinion or preference, it's a wet blanket of passivity which is just hard work to be around. That behaviour isn't a virtue; at best it's really annoying.

When I was like this (not as extreme) it definitely wasn’t performative. It becomes ingrained in you as a child to be nice, not to backchat (aka have an opinion), to be polite at all times. It wasn’t just my (not abusive) parents, it was relatives and others. We were brought up having to go to church every week and one Sunday at mass my older sister fainted (I was about 7). She used to faint a lot as she never ate breakfast so it wasn’t a big deal to me and I didn’t express any particular concern. In front of everyone this priest told me off for not caring about my sister. I was mortified, upset and angry at his public scolding. It upset me for a long time but I didn’t say anything. It just added to my belief that I had to be ‘nice, nice, and more bloody nice, in every aspect of my life because you never know when someone is going to humiliate you for your ‘bad’ behaviour.

Thankfully I eventually saw the light (thanks to maturity and life experiences) and stopped being (an annoying) people pleaser.

There are usually stories behind someone’s need to be perpetually affable even when it’s detrimental to them.

Lot of people not getting this. No one minds an authentic laid back person who genuinely doesn't mind and likes to go with the flow. Such people don't behave in the manner Op is describing. For example:

Genuinely laid back:

Q: Would you like a glass of wine
A: sure whatever is open' or 'whatever you are having'
Q I have red or white open - I am having white
A: A glass of white would be lovely

EASY

Not easy, extreme example:

Q would you like a glass of wine
A: I didn't realise we would be drinking wine, If I had known I would have brought some wine. I might have some wine in my car/I will go and check. Goes to car. I can't seem to find it, I will go to the shops... and on and on.

It is exhausting.

This is interesting, but do you mean Irish women, or do men do it too?

I know lots of English women like this too, but I can't think of a man.

I can’t believe no one has quoted the absolute totemic example of this! The bit in Motherland where her MIL is so “little old me” that she will only accept the heel of bread, making Julia ruin the entire loaf.
It’s just so simpering and fake.
Surely in order to be a friend, you have be fun or funny. Not all the time, but otherwise what’s the point. People trying to give toddlers salad against their will isn’t enough to build a friendship, that’s just people who are near you.

I don't understand why you wouldn't say "he doesn't like ice-cream, but he'd love a choccy bar, thank you".

So everyone did want to go....Did she know there was going to be a large group when she agreed to go on the trip?

I think for some reason you're looking for problems.

You sound a bit over-sensitive and that you just don't like her, so you're interpreting normal behaviour in quite uncharitable ways. She was trying to fit in, when on holidays with you to a place you go to all the time, where you're hosting and where she's never been. She may have felt quite the spare wheel.

@Funnywonder My friend recently has gotten over a bad illness and had taken up exercise and less stress overall . She literally look stunning at a wedding recently, like people were double taking all the time . I was like “you look amazing , absolutely stunning “ and her answer “at tbh I look an awful wreak , look closer, the dress is an old thing really “ 😂😂😂

💯 @Funnywonder , like the entire situation the op describes is something I’ve come across at every social gathering with Irish people !! It’s a sort of deferential behaviour whether that’s good or bad , it’s definitely part of the Irish culture and social interactions here. I mean if you are too decisive it’s nearly seen as being arrogant or a “a bit confident” like it’s a bad thing 😂😂😂

Awk, this old thing ...🤣🤣🤣 Said about something you just bought yesterday!