Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

That's such a cynical way of looking at it though. She's probably just trying to be helpful, even if she is misguided. I wouldn't overthink it more than that.

Why didn’t you mention this at the very beginning?? Of course it says a lot, it’s cultural. That’s the problem when it is a white person. They look very similar to you and you don’t realise how different they are deep inside as their upbringing was actually very different from yours.
By the way with the ice cream story I’ve got an image in my head straight away of a lady from Eastern Europe I knew at primary but as you didn’t mention anything I just thought it’s a coincidence

I hear you. Incredibly annoying. My DH does performative dishwasher loading. It's quite a spectacle, but only when there are guests around. Look at meeee! I can load the dishwasher!!! I am a Modern Man!!

I think there are lot of us commenting on this thread who understand very well that this is a trauma response but also understand that maladaptive behaviours lingering in to adulthood can also become manipulative / abusive towards other people.

My MIL is one of these types ... the sort who brings out a sandwich to eat when you've invited her for a meal "Oh you don't need to worry about feeding me!". If we visit her she'll offer us food with the proviso "oh ... it'll probably be horrible, you'd have made something much better" or hand you a gift with "Oh I expect you'll hate it ... I always buy the wrong thing".

How can you deal with someone like that. Utterly infuriating, rude & ungracious.

And "nice" people, nope - I remember my parents instructing me on the root of the word "nice" .... foolish, stupid, ignorant. Not something to aspire to.

People have different personalities and temperaments. Maybe some
people are nervous and just want to fit in and try a bit too hard.

I think some of the comments on this thread seem so cruel. 😔

I think some of the responses on here are very illuminating. There are so many posters whose default response to this person's behaviour is rage (this word has cropped up a few times) - and they weren't even there! I can see how the behaviour might be annoying to some people, but it's so unfair to ascribe hidden meaning to it. Saying that it's performative or somehow manipulative. That the 'sweetness' displayed is disingenuous. I think that says far more about the person holding that opinion. Why get the boot in? We get along with some people and not others. That's fine. And often we only find this out after spending longer than usual in their company. No need to rip their entire personality to shreds.

Exactly this, but unfortunately some people won't take the time to understand, and instead insist that the person can help it, and is just being fake.

I know someone like this. I put it down to bad social skills in a person who considers themselves good with people, so they’ve become blind to their own rudeness.

Your friend sounds infuriating, especially the ice cream thing and the boat trip. It sounds like it is indeed performative and not just anxious and a desire to be liked. Would make sure not to invitation her next year, she'll drive me mad.

I also find the 'I don't minders' incredibly frustrating. Especially the ones who then moan about you later behind your back. My mother would be like this. Ask her if she wants to go to the beach or the botanical gardens with the grandchildren . She "doesn't mind". You push, she still 'doesn't mind'. So you choose the beach. Later she moans to my sister that the beach was too hot and boring and too far in the car and she didn't want to go but agreed because I chose it. I stopped giving her choices (they'd all be wrong anyway) and in fact cut down taking her places at all.

Sister defaults everything to me as well. We've been on holiday together (in the past, never again) and all the organising, accommodation, travel plans, sightseeing, day trips, restaurant choices are all on me. Then of course it's my fault if something goes wrong or she doesn't like something I've chosen.

It's not always low self esteem and 'people pleasing'. It can be manipulative and performative. And lazy.

Honestly, I think I can get on with most people but the sort of person who never tells you want they are really thinking drives me up the wall. I would have lost it with her.

My MIL used to do a lot of these things. We’d arrange something specifically with her in mind/for her and she’d pretend she’s isn’t know and say, “Oh you don’t want me there, you’d rather be with your sister and family”
It’s such a wind up because you know they feel put out even though you’ve done nothing to put them out.
I guess it’s maladapted behaviour due to a combination of personality and adverse life experiences.

I know someone similar to this, always martyr or victim. I think it’s attention seeking.

If you were providing the holiday perhaps she felt awkward about it - like she had to be self sacrificing to repay you. Just don’t holiday with her again

Absolutely. And unfortunately with some people all that pent up frustration about their own unmet needs ends up being taken out on others.

And as you demonstrate, it's entirely possible to develop self awareness and unlearn these maladaptive behaviours. And live a richer and happier life for it!

Although to be fair to this woman she is going through a big upheaval and as it's a learned response to navigating difficultly it will be at the forefront. Hopefully she can learn about herself in the process and move on!

I have a friend exactly like this. I probably wouldn’t go on holidays with her. She is a very anxious person but it does grate after a while.

I think your being a bit mean and reading it the wrong way. She sounds like anxious and like her self esteem is on the ground. She is probably a highly sensitive person going through a rough time post divorce. Her DH might have walked all over her.

I think there’s definitely a cultural element, as with cultures who smile a lot vs those who don’t. A lot of my (Irish) friends lived in Amsterdam for years and had to come to terms with cultural directness as standard. My sister worked in Japan for years, and indirectness is an art form there.

I completely agree with this. My mum was also very much an “I don’t mind” person and it left me with a long legacy of low self confidence and self esteem because I subconsciously absorbed the idea that women aren’t allowed to have desires, priorities, strong feelings. It’s really toxic.

It is understandable that people struggle with this as youths if they have been raised like this. But as you say grown adults have a responsibility to take control of it and not weaponise it in order to get people to like them. Particularly if they have daughters.

I am allergic to people who are “nice” but have no backbone or personality now. It’s a dishonest way to live.

I feel quite sorry for this person. She sounds very anxious to me and harmless, but I do understand the frustration when someone is an “I don’t mind” type of person. I think you sound too angry about it though.
she didn’t overstep that hugely over the ice cream and offering some food lol, does it really matter?
Just don’t go on holiday with her again, and if you don’t want to continue seeing her in any capacity then don’t, or just keep it to a catch up dinner a couple of times a year or something if you do.

Sounds like my mil. We live overseas, when she visited when the kids were little she tried to over ride me on which ice lolly to get the kids, said in front of them that I was being cheap and that she'd pay for better ones - one child has severe allergies, which she knew. I was being safe, choosing one I knew he could have!

Same visit we'd arranged a day out, a friend was joining us but one of her kids was really sick so she asked if we'd mind taking her other two, we said no problem as we'd have 3 adults (we'd now have 5 kids in total) as we were getting ready to leave, she pulled a chair into the sun and said I'm not coming, I'm going to sit here and read my book! (We didn't have the extra kids yet, as far as she knew it was just her grand kids coming)

Ahh OP I feel your pain.

My brother has special needs. I have a heightened sense of irritation when people perform kindness rather than listening to what actually helps. As a result I am fairly intolerant of dis-ingenuous people who dance on that wierd line of thinking they are the only person to have noticed their needs or just to "treat" them. Its gross self-serving behaviour.

Also my mum is the whole "whatever you want" I went on a two week holiday with her and she made no suggestions or recommendations, she hadn't even looked up where we were going to make plans. "I am just happy being with you" but it was exhausting by the end of it and I was so irratated at the whole thing, which made her even more meak.

Have a large LARGE glass of wine and a day to calm down, but don't invite her again.

I've got a friend like this but it's not false at all, it's just how she is. Always offering to do impractical and unnecessary favours that we don't want and so on. She's just wired differently, not performative or fake, you could think it is, but that's because of how you're wired and what you're ascribing to her. Better to think that's just her annoying habit and we all have them, but if she's got other qualities you like then you put up with them as friends do.

Choosing a restaurant on holiday with this type of person is a nightmare.

Standing outside looking at menu, you say - this looks nice what do you think? Someone who genuinely doesn't mind/goes with the flow would say 'yes, looks good let's try here'. EASY

This TYPE of person will say with lack of enthusiasm, 'I don't mind' whilst frowning reading the menu then looking around. 'If you want to eat here, then I don't mind'. 'They may not have space for all of us, I can eat this snack in my bag in the car'