Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

@endlessnonsense sounds like a great holiday - can I come?! 😬

Sounds like my MIL, who really gets under my skin. My way of dealing is to be as direct as possible, otherwise I end up sitting on a volcano of suppressed anger. So long as I'm direct and simple and stick to the issue at hand, I find my emotions don't run away with me. But it takes a bit of work. I have to use the question "what could she do/have done that would mean I felt positively about this?" Once I've answered that question for myself, it's clearer what to say or not say to her.

I knew someone vaguely like this in the past. She would tell you how self-conscious, sensitive and vulnerable she was at every opportunity. I believed her when I first met her, and then I got tired of hearing it, and one day told her that everybody was vulnerable. She pulled a face because what I said didn't fit in the scenario she had of herself. I also told her that if she was self-conscious all the time, that she was thinking of herself all the time and that it was a form of conceit. She was also terribly, terribly nice and it was wearing. It is known as 'humble brag' I believe. It is a manipulation.

I have come back to this thread and read the further two dozen comments and I’m so glad I have. Part of me felt a bit bad about the friendship failing but reading all these examples so many were just like her. It was bloody exhausting really.

@endlessnonsense did you take my MiL on holiday? She does this and it is exhausting, she won’t voice an opinion on anything but will make a 1000 little comments to garner sympathy (oh, we could go to the restaurant im sure my knee would be fine with the cobbles and hill) rather than just saying she’s not sure she could cope with the walk! Or she will proclaim she will just have water and chew a stale loaf of bread rather than say she doesn’t fancy Italian that night!

OP, I used to be a milder version of your friend and now I find these traits infurating in others. It is anxiety and low self esteem (and, as I have discovered, a need to control others' opinions of me) masquerading as "being nice" or "easy going" or "chill". It is very dysfunctional and almost selfish at times.

It has taken me a lot of practice and therapy to develop boundaries and my relationships are so much easier. I hope your friend develops some self-awareness on how her martyr-dom affects others!

Took me until the grand age of 50 to realise that I didn’t like a friend I’ve known since I was 16 and some very good advice on social media of how to extricate from the friendship. I know she can go anywhere on holiday, but she hasn’t waited to be invited? Is she presuming that she’ll be going out on your boat/out to eat with you ?

I've had phases where I've been like your friend - yes, I know it is annoying!
To be honest, it came from having really low self esteem and being anxious about pleasing others. I would also always offer to pay for things - I wanted to feel useful.

I grew up with a heavily critical mother who made me feel like I didn't deserve anything. I left home and gained confidence but then married a heavily critical man who became abusive. It was hard to even have a separate opinion to him - he would suppress it.

I'm not saying this has happened to your friend and she certainly sounds annoying but that might be some background to her behaviour.

I am also wondering what her marriage was like. If she was in a long marriage where she was always expected to put her own needs last and she couldn't ever assert herself without a lot of grief from her XH , she might have stopped mattering to herself and forgotten how to recognise her own wants. Hence the total apparent lack of opinions or desires of her own. Of course that could be nonsense and her XH was lovely, it just sounds like the kind of passiveness that comes from spending years never being able to assert yourself.

I would too! I have a friend just like this- drives me nuts. If it wasn’t for the fact I grew up with her and know a lot of the reasons why she is like it, I’d have let the friendship peter out years ago.

we’re in group chats with mutual friends and I feel myself tense up if someone posts something about having a cold or missing a train…she ALWAYS has to have the most sympathetic and kind response. It’s actually annoying as it makes me feel like a shitty friend because I just write ‘get well soon’ and don’t offer to drop everything and run right there immediately to support the person with a cold ( who just needs a lemsip and is just being factual about their day)

I absolutely agree with you @endlessnonsense this would drive me crackers, fair play if you didn't snap - I definitely would've.

No one, or almost no one, is suggesting it's an 'act' in the sense of someone consciously pretending to be 'sweet' the way someone might pretend to be a millionaire to defraud. It's an 'act' in the sense of someone socially anxious or maladroit, with poor self-esteem, attempting to appease or buy approval with services or 'being no trouble'. And often, as here, getting it wrong.

It's not at all unusual, as shown by this thread.

Agreed. I've read most of the thread, and haven't changed my mind on that. I don't see what she would get out of doing it as an 'act' and find it really weird how many people on the thread see it as some manipulative move.

The examples about a DH / travel companion doing 'I don't mind' all the time aren't the same at all. That IS annoying as you are both in a new place and they are opting out of any research or work. The OP's friend was staying in a friend's house, of course she's going to defer on what activities to do.

Anyway, glad you sorted it out amicably OP, I'm sure it will be fine next year with her staying elsewhere and having her son with her.

This is my DH, too. I really resent it. We had a few European city holidays a few years ago. For each city I researched ‘ 10 best things to see in..’. Kept asking what he wanted to do, bought tickets online. He waited every day for the itinerary. He’d no idea.
PISSED me off big time when he would tell holiday stories about how we saw this monument, that museum, walked round such a place.
Final city was Prague. I planned NOTHING. We ended up wandering round a lot with him bumbling about saying ‘where are we going today?’ Gets me mad just thinking about it.
Thisyear there’s a big extended family weekend in a European city. I am not going.

This happens with DH when we go away, ALL THE BLOODY TIME!!

He leaves me to organise everything, he’s of the ‘I don’t mind, I’m easy’ ‘up to you’, brigade! Left up to him, the times we’ve been on city trips, we’d just end up walking around like headless chickens, with no plans! I also feel like the event planner/co-ordinator extraordinaire! Pity I’m not on commission! 😜

Sadly one of my DDs is a people pleaser and the behaviour OP describes is nothing like it. As I said earlier in the thread, it's obsequious - "ever so 'umble". It's an act. @endlessnonsense I think on some threads people are very keen to excuse poor behaviour - it's the opposite of victim blaming - not sure what tag would be the opposite of that? Twat excusing?

Sounds to me like she lost her confidence, maybe due too divorce, maybe not and is trying soooo hard to be a people pleaser but finding difficulty with new people as well is just overwhelming her.

I am a failed people pleaser, now I just try to go get along with others and then please myself, but its tricky if you are still finding yourself after an emotional breakup..

She is trying to fit in, to cause no fuss and be helpful to everyone, like any polite guest. I feel sad for her.

Aah hope it goes well for you both and send her friendly links that may support her. You are kind too but fortunately are more aware

Of course, now that she has told me she is coming again next year (with her son) I am not going to tell her no you can't! As I said, I will be reflecting on my reactions before then.

I think you sound very kind and patient, honestly! It’s kind of you to make plans again with her if you’ve found it hard work this year - you are obviously a good friend. (I know I’ve been too quick to say “never again” when someone has narked me off!)

Sounds like her son coming may change the dynamic as well. One thing I find with these sorts of situations, though - next time you’re going to be “waiting for it”. So have some prepared responses, which may diffuse the situation and get the point across. Eg - with the ice cream - “Sarah - I’m sure you’re meaning to be kind, but I must tell you once and for all that Michael doesn’t like ice cream. He has a problem with the texture (or whatever). So please don’t keep offering it to him”. That’s calm but direct. She can’t fail to get the message (about both the ice cream and the irritation), but it’s not mean or snippy. And if she keeps on, then she’s the one who looks rude/insensitive. (And if her son is there, he’s likely to say “Mum - stop it!”). Hopefully you’ll find it’s a different - and easier - dynamic next time.

Then do what you want and stop complaining about her being too nice and too kind. You have an issue it seems with people living a good and kind version