Told to fuck off at bed time as partner watching TV

You must know that you being banned from the radio in the bedroom whilst your DP won't accept the TV ban is not on?
You need to talk to them to determine why they won't accept your views yet impose theirs. This isn't about last night. This is about respecting each other's wishes.

I did not have a TV in my house, let alone my bedroom for years. We now have one in the living room only. It drives me mad when my husband will turn off the TV and come to bed only to watch something on his phone.

So, once again, if this relationship is so crap, why are you staying?

I'm not sure how many times it has to be said, but it's not the TV (or the radio) that is the problem here.

Anyone who dictates to their partner what they can and can't do without taking their feelings/thoughts into consideration is being unreasonable, it works both ways and two wrongs don't make a right.

But I'm not sure what you mean by 'not allowed' though, how was it 'not allowed'? That's really not normal in a relationship anyway, but there's a difference between your partner forbidding you from doing something and them telling you they don't like something, or giving you enough earache so you voluntarily stop doing it as not to upset them?

I can understand you'd feel cheated if you stopped doing that to appease them but they won't stop the thing you don't like in return.

It's not a relationship if your partner "allows" or "doesn't allow" you to do certain things. Are you in a relationship or are you living under a dictator? Furthermore, why are you putting up with this shit? Know your worth and get outta there.

"I hate the double standard"

Yeah, I hate that double standard, too.

I believe there should be a rule

End of. Zero discussion.

you are not the boss, this is the part you are failing to grasp. You are allowed a preference and she is allowed a preference, normally you would both compromise.. except neither of you are, you’re trying to lay down the law, she’s having none of it..you can’t force something to be a certain way.

neither of you are right or wrong for preferring things a certain way, but forcing the other to comply is unreasonable of you both.

it sounds like she sees that house as her house and the other as yours, maybe that could be the solution?

Yes. There is obviously so much more to this story, and I'd imagine that the other side of the story could well be very different.

I notice that the OP only responds to certain posts for example. (They have never responded to any of my questions, and I don't buy the 'I make all my posts on MN gender neutral due to potential misandry' narrative)

I don't believe them, frankly.

At best, this relationship is toxic and they should leave.

I think this post highlights a massive issue with mumsnet, that we only get one side of the story and we are only reading a perspective that is skewed.

Clearly there is more to it and my initial response is completely different to how I would respond now with all the additional info.

It's clear that it's a much bigger issue and the relationship sounds so utterly toxic, I hope for those children's sake that it ends soon.

@MM1972
Your relationship sounds utterly toxic - from what you've written it sounds like a stalemate as each of you wants their own thing. From what you've written you're entitled to sleep with the tv off (or not in there at all - good sleep hygiene etc) but if she struggles to get to sleep without it then you're both at odds with each other. Are there other issues? Because honestly if this is a single issue, and you love and respect each other, coming to a resolution should be a possibility. If neither of you is prepared to budge then what good is this relationship to you? It sounds like she doesn't love or respect you, but you definitely don't sound like you like her either. So what are you getting from this relationship that keeps you in it?

OK, so here is how I would have expected it to go down: you have a discussion during your evening meal (I know, revolutionary, right?): "honey, I'm thinking of watching X movie with little Steve tonight. I'm absolutely shattered and will probably fall asleep during it. Would you mind swapping rooms and you continue your movie marathon in the living room and I'll put X on in the bedroom for us? At least, it won't matter if I don't make it past the opening credits"
"Yes, sure. We are just about to start the lord of the rings trilogy, the extended version. It'll probably be 3am before we go to bed. I'll try not to wake you when I come up".
"Great, thanks. Love you".
"Love you, too"

Do you have a separate house so your partner can claim benefits!

So, once again, if this relationship is so crap, why are you staying?

@MM1972 Are these sons and ten year old daughter biologically shared children between you and your partner? How old is the son that was watching TV with you at 11pm?

If the 10 year old is the youngest and only shared child, why on earth would you still have a separate house that you don't rent out after all this time? If there is only a young shared child, a toddler, that might make more sense, but you shouldn't be staying together regardless and work out how to split care.

The more you update the worse this sounds, deeply unhealthy for the children involved.

My question remains whether I'm being unreasonable to expect the TV to be switched off when I want to go to bed?

Yes, if she has had to go in the bedroom because you and your son are watching something in the living room and they are halfway through watching a film then it is unreasonable IMO to expect them to stop and go to sleep just because you've now decided it is bedtime.

But in a functional loving relationship you wouldn't be having this issue, you wouldn't be dictating how and when she goes to sleep and she would be happy to turn of the telly or move rooms for you, both of which are basic consideration for each other, but instead you seem to resent her and she definitely seems to resent you, you both have different sleeping habits, and neither of you want to budge for the other.

Honestly, the TV is not the issue here, and you desperately trying to prove you're right above all else is quite telling, it's not about who is 'right' and who is 'wrong', because as soon as you stop wanting to be nice and considerate and even spend time with each other then it is game over.

Have you ever had couples therapy?

Well whether the relationship is healthy or not, this could be solved by sleeping separately, as you clearly have different bedtime needs from each other.

All my spoons go in the dishwasher wooden or not. I'm a heathen I know!

This, really. There's obviously a lot going on and this is one of many scenarios. This situation hasn't just 'happened', and there's obviously bad feeling from both camps.

On the surface your partner appears to be very unreasonable in which case, the relationship is doomed, because no one can live like that, with this level of incompatibility. From your op, your partner is unreasonable so separate and work on successfully co parenting. This is no life

Right, without being an ass, I'd have kicked my daughter out of my bed and told her to stop being so selfish.

Then, I'd have taken the remote off my husband and said if YOU want to watch TV, YOU can fuck off to the living room.

There's no way I'd have driven 40 miles away to sleep in a quiet bedroom.

You're going to have to start laying down the law unless you want this asshole to keep ruling you!

Just separate and move out fgs. That's no way to live.

Yanbu about the tv watching