To be worried about my husband crying so much?

My DD has a similar job and it’s very highly pressured, I think she is showing signs of burnout and this could be the case for your DH. Tearfulness is a sign of being under pressure.

This. He's a workaholic, and that doesn't ever pan out well. Does he know you don't need him to be a high flyer in finance- really know it? You could get by on far less, relocate etc. Is there the possibility of a different second half of his working life (not saying he'll take it, but is it truly there as a possibility?).

When I first met my husband, I had to work really hard to get him to cry when he’d been taught not to. It’s a healthy emotional response. Last night he cried watching the documentary on Freddie Flintoff. 🥺

However, your husband does not sound well, as others have said. Can you persuade him to speak to his GP?

I agree with the framing that it's a career vs family problem. Trouble is, he probably won't! He has been ummersed in this world all his adult life, his friends also. They will constantly be comparing themselves with each other. Doing well at work = manly provider, and he will be in all probability unable to see that there is anything wrong with snapping at you/worrying you with his tears as it's all in service of the number one goal - a (likely even more stressful) new job that is his only possible idea of success.

If this is what's going on (I could of course be miles out) there is a much deeper conversation to be had about shared life values. Because if you are not aligned -either because these are his core values, or because he is too frightened/stubborn to examine himself and his trajectory, then this is how it's going to be.

To explore this perhaps you could change tack next time you have a quiet time eg next Wednesday and start to explore where you see your lives going over the next 10, 20 years, and how that will work for you as a couple and a family, as well as for him as a financial whizzkid

I'm hesitant to say it but, maybe you should just ask him which is more important, his family or his career. Because it sounds like he's happy to let you & your little one bear the brunt of whatever is going on. Does work always come first? Why can't he commit to a trip away, why must it have a caveat of 'but work'? You mentioned it's not just tearfulness but he's snappy & short tempered with both of you too. How long are you prepared to put up with that if he refuses to get help.

I'll admit - you're being more patient & less direct than I was when my DH starting taking his work stresses out on us. But eventually he did listen, had he not I couldn't have continued & not because he was being outrageous (he wasn't) but a point-blank refusal to deal with something that's causing hurt & worry to your family would be a deal breaker. You can only bang your head against a wall for so long.

OP his denial is palpable and at this point seems even more concerning. He's dismissing every line of enquiry and almost every suggestion for support. "Maybe in October - and even then, only if..." isn't a commitment, and I'm sure you've picked up on that. Something is preventing him from either admitting a cause to you, or to himself and then you. Feels like you need to be a snake charmer. It is conceivable that he's genuinely not aware of the root cause of his behavioural and emotional change. On the other hand, he might well be aware but unable to share due to fear or shame, for example. And guilt is learned, often in our earliest years, only to resurface as a defence mechanism in certain situations during adulthood. One thing you can say for certain is that this is somehow a relational difficulty for him - the inability to look intimately with another at something interior. Why that's difficult for him, and why now, you don't know yet, but it's affecting you and as long as he keeps up the denial its effects will continue to impact you. Your anxiety and concern will only grow, along with your frustration, and this is a 'way of being' he learned in relation to someone else once, probably one or both parents. Out of touch with his real feelings, secretive, guilt as a way of relating. He's carrying something very difficult, and potentially destructive, while at the same time channeling a great deal of his energy into work. This has presumably worked for him for years but the cracks may be beginning to show, while at the same time he has enormous commitment to that area of his life.

He's a prime candidate for counselling or psychotherapy, but how you or anyone else would help him to accept that is the question.

Been through this with my partner

managed to get him to tell me how he was feeling.
in short it was life that was getting him down. Didn’t feel like he could talk to anyone as he felt guilty about making people worry what he was feeling
everyone has their own problems etc

then he would feel massive guilt that there were people in this country who would swap places for someone who has a job, car & can pay their own bills.

never ending cycle

also showed me the note he would leave if he decided to end it all. He found it difficult to express his reasons in doing so.
just didn’t want to continue feeling sad.

not depressed just sad

eventually agreed to pay for private councillor as it’s their job to listen

this was ok but he felt he wasn’t getting a decent relationship with the councillor & he would have to look for someone else.
valid, as there are loads of private professionals if you are willing to pay

Well done you, you have started the conversation and that is great. It's good that he has admitted to feeling stressed at work, it's a first step. Don't underestimate the pressure he is feeling and give him opportunities to wind down/quiet time when he's home - maybe download a mindfulness app on your phone and do some meditation sessions when the kids are in bed, it might help with his sleep too. Keep a close eye and revisit the conversation when it seems like a good opportunity to chat. Hopefully sharing his worries with you will help him feel he's not carrying this alone. Remind him that there's absolutely no shame in seeking help for his mental health and he probably knows lots of people who are dealing with it. You are doing great OP, he's lucky to have you 💐

I’m suspicious, but only due to a friends DH doing the same. It was the stress of an affair.

I think you should be a bit more forceful OP. He knows he is acting out of character and he’s not being fair on you by not talking or taking some action.

Frame it as he should take action before it does become career limiting.

I know it has only been 2 days since you started this thread but things can spiral very quickly and meds and cbt take time to kick in, so time is of the essence.

The more you describe your husband the more highly strung he sounds to be honest. He sounds like he might be having a mental breakdown.

It would be ideal if he can get some help before that happens, but some people just can’t get help, or don’t know how to, or just won’t get help.

Sorry, I don't remember the exact medication that was mentioned. I just remember the strange occurrence of those crying at the drop of a hat and the conclusion drawn after it was discussed between them.

Maybe ask him, if counselling is an option, if he finds it hard to talk about things.

Suggest websites such as menkind and the meetsups for men andy's club.

Whatever it is, I think it's a positive thing that it's manifesting itself in this way rather than him turning to alcohol or gambling or drugs or something, as the majority of men do instead of dealing with things or expressing difficult emotions.

I had something similar with my H recently. I'll share my experience in the hope that it'll help you and your husband.
He'd become more angry and irritated very much so with the children. I'd asked if he thought he may be depressed. He said no. I left it a few days and asked if we could talk again, I'd asked how he was feeling, and read information about depression from NHS website and asked if he thought any of it sounded like him, he agreed it very much did. I'd then spoke about a friend who was long term taking antidepressants (who we both love) and how I'd previously taken them. I'd talked about wether he wanted his life to improve or stay the same. He booked a docs apt, started antidepressants and has been loads better since.

I dont think this is necessarily a MH issue, although that cant be ruled out. As I have said before, humans do not have infinite capacity to cope, whatever we kid ourselves, and eventually we find our limit. We are likely to find ourselves being more snappy, impulsive or tearful at these points. If he came from a 'suck it up and be a man' type of family, he probably tries to ignore or suppress difficult feelings, which will inevitably lead to more reactive phases like the one you describe. So, acknowledge he seems more emotionally reactive than usual at the moment, you are there for him if he needs you, and leave it at that.

Haven’t read full thread - sharing these if they haven’t already been shared

https://headsupguys.org/mens-depression/symptoms/

https://www.jcmh.org/im-fine-how-to-talk-to-the-men-in-your-life-about-their-mental-health/

There may be something going on, but I also know that when a lot of men in my family reached a certain age they became more emotional. I don’t know if it was because they didn’t feel that they needed to be ‘manly’ anymore or whether it was because of a drop in testosterone, but they would cry at stuff they wouldn’t have normally cried at.

I’d definitely still talk to him though as it seems like he’s going through something.

I don't know op, obviously something going on. My dad became like this after having open heart surgery. Before that the only time I had ever seen him cry was when his dad died. He used to get very emotional over the smallest things after a triple bypass