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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just wanted a relaxing massage?

110 replies

Salumthecat · 13/08/2024 20:06

I suffer from severe anxiety and have a lot of tension in my back, shoulders and legs, I also have plantar fasciitis which can be excruciatingly painful.

I started booking regular massages with a woman who runs her own business. To start with I found it a really relaxing experience and it relieved pain and left me feeling less stressed but after the first few massages things changed.

During a massage I want to clear my mind and relax and enjoy the experience but the therapist started becoming really chatty. She was asking lots of questions about if I had any holidays planned, do I have any children, talking out her own life and family, stuff she’s watched on tv etc…
i felt it’d be rude to say I didn’t want to talk and she might be like that with all her clients, most massages I’d had previously though were silent except for the odd question like about my preference of the pressure or being asked to turn over and the background music playing.
I found it distracting and I was focusing on the conversation instead of just enjoying it, I also started to feel like she was bored doing the treatment in silence which made me feel under more pressure to engage. I like a chat at the hairdresser or getting my nails done as it helps pass the time but during a massage I prefer if to be peaceful and quiet.

I also realised the treatment time seemed shorter as well, it was advertised as 50 minute treatment time but states when booking to get there 10 minutes earlier. I took from the wording that the massage should last the whole 50 minutes and that wasn’t the appointment time.

At my last visit to this therapist the massage was booked for 3pm but I got there at 2.45. I was taken into the treatment room straight away and as i undressed and took my watch off I noticed it was 2.51, I waited around 5 minutes for the therapist to come back into the room and when it was finished I looked at my watch again and it was 3.17 Thats a lot shorter then I paid for and previous appointments had felt a similar amount of time so I imagine they were also cut short.

I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything but I was a bit pissed off and felt more stressed then before I went in! I had arranged things round this appointment. Travelled there and back and paid for parking and it cost £60 which is a huge amount of money for me.
To start with I found it was worth it and I don’t spend a lot of money on myself really, after this I felt a bit short changed.

The actual massage was great except i asked for more time on my feet then anywhere else but they were only massaged briefly. I was asked which areas I wanted focused on so I didn’t just request a different service.
The therapist seemed like a lovely person. I liked her and I like to stay loyal to a business.
She always had someone waiting for her after I was finished so she is obviously fitting in as many clients as she can to make money, I don’t blame her at all but after I realised how short the treatment was I didn’t return.

I started to go somewhere else where so far I’ve had the full fifty minutes I paid for, there is minimal conversation and she focuses on the areas I ask for, I left a tip and good reviews every time.

The previous therapist has somehow found out I’ve gone somewhere else and has sent an email to me asking why and saying she thought I was a loyal client and wanted to know what she’d done wrong.

I felt so guilty reading it and she kind of accused me of not supporting her business and it looking bad to other clients that I’m going somewhere else.

I’m not sure if I should just leave it or reply and tell her straight. I live in a small town and I hate the idea of people gossiping over this, all I wanted was a way to de-stress I’m spending a lot of money on a luxury so it’s no good being more stressed out afterwards!

I know this isn’t an enormous issue and I’m probably overthinking it but that’s anxiety for you!
Would I be better just ignoring her email and hoping I don’t bump into her somewhere or replying and explaining my reasons?
I know it would have been far better to say something at the time but I didn’t have the confidence and didn’t know what to say without it sounding like I was timing her.

I’d appreciate an outside opinion and to know if I’m being ridiculous and completely overthinking this or if it would bother anyone else please?

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 14/08/2024 05:49

Give her honest feedback, that you had expected the full 50 minutes and whilst at the beginning it was good you found subsequent treatments shorter and that for you a massage is meant to be relaxing but found the talking meant you were unable to relax fully.

You don't owe her anything and if she's a good therapist (she doesn't sound like it) she'll take the feedback on board and be more mindful with future clients.

This is your money and you're paying for a service that you haven't been getting, unless people are kind but honest no one has the opportunity to change.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 14/08/2024 05:43

Had you spoken with her about your friends knowing you were having massages with her? I find it unprofessional to speak about clients with other clients, but then I work in a profession where confidentiality is critical.

i’d reply. Sorry to hear you are worried about business. The cost of living is having an impact on so many. £50 is a lot for me but I factor it into my budgeting as massages and that time to just be really improves my wellbeing. X’s treatments meet that need more. I pay for the full £50 minutes worth of treatment, rather than a shorter massage within the 50 minute slot, and it is so quiet and peaceful. X and x wouldn’t have known about my treatments, unless they read my review, as I’d rather keep that information private.

WaltzingWaters · 14/08/2024 05:34

She shouldn’t have messaged you! But I would reply saying you’d rather no chatting throughout a massage and you would like to ensure you get the full time that you pay for. That way she can learn from it and quietly give her future clients what they’ve paid for! I mean, besides a minute or two at the beginning perhaps, who the hell wants to chat during a massage?! Rule 101 on being a massage therapist surely!

Royalshyness · 14/08/2024 04:52

I absolutely wouldn’t reply. I would ignore. She is pushy and nosey and between not giving you your full time, not knowing that a massage isn’t a quiet space for you and asking your friends !!!!!! It’s just not on - ignore

MustBeGinOclock · 14/08/2024 04:22

Since she's asked I'd definitely give her some feedback. She ripped you off that's not nice. She is very cheeky to ask though.

SevenMarshmallows · 14/08/2024 03:34

It's terribly unprofessional of her to have contacted you this way and laid on the guilt! I'm not surprised her business is suffering if this is how she conducts herself.

Your positive review should make it perfectly clear to her what the issues are (if she didn't already know), and frankly, after her pushy email, I'd want to avoid her entirely. If you do reply, I'd just be honest, but the problem is that she'll almost certainly offer to make changes to entice you back, which will feel awkward to refuse, yet you likely don't want to return to her after all this. I can only imagine that the atmosphere would be decidedly uncomfortable. YANBU to ignore her email if you'd prefer. She shouldn't have sent that!

Original poster
Salumthecat · 14/08/2024 03:21

PonyPatter44 · 13/08/2024 20:13

Trust me, NOBODY is gossiping about you going to a different massage therapist. The only thing that they might be doing is envying you for having the cojones to go somewhere else!

She sounds like a cheeky wotsit. If you do reply to her, I would say what @PeriIsKickingMyButt said, which is the truth.

Edited to add - do the massages help with plantar fasciitis? I have it as well, if massage helps I will book myself in!

Edited

The massages do help a lot, if I’m in a lot of pain at the time it eases it and feels amazing.

I also bought an electric foot massager from amazon for £40 which I use every night that helps.

Something else worth trying is a “plantarcure” device, it is a little chargeable device that
“generates high-frequency waves which passes through the skin to the damaged fibres. Pain is transmitted as impulses in the large sensory fibres of the body and by applying a certain frequency to the area of pain, it interacts with the pain impulse transmissions, causing disruption. The pulse is effectively ‘scrambling’ the sensory impulses to the extent that they cannot be interpreted as pain signals by the brain”

(quote from website)

I’ve been using mine for 3 months and it helps a lot, I was waking up in agony and struggling to walk before.

Easy home treatment for plantar fasciitis

How Plantarcure works to treat the pain of plantar fasciitis

https://plantarcure.com/pub/how-it-works

OP posts:
Original poster
Salumthecat · 14/08/2024 03:11

godmum56 · 13/08/2024 21:32

sorry for going off topic but I had plantar fasciitis for years. What fixed it permanently was wearing Crocs....the original fugly clog kind made from Croslite and get the literide kind if you can. I know some people would sooner have their feet cut off than wear them but it worked for me. To start with they were pretty much the only shoes i wore (they were allowed at work) but now I can wear what I like again. I should say i have never been able to wear heels not even in my teen years, OP I would tell the masseur....tactfully but tell her.

Show quote history

I’ve had it for years and I find Birkenstocks help. The problem is (this is very outing but never mind) I have very small feet, they are children’s size 12 so it’s almost impossible to find well fitting shoes. Most don’t even have laces they have Velcro!

OP posts:
Original poster
Salumthecat · 14/08/2024 03:07

LouH5 · 13/08/2024 21:16

How did she even find out you’d been somewhere else? That is very cheeky of her!

Id keep your reply nice and simple and say you prefer a quieter massage without chat.

I know how annoying it is- I’ll never forget going for a massage on a spa day with a friend and tney put us both in the same room, like a couples massage. This was fine, but my masseuse was silent throughout and hers did not stop talking! My friend didn’t respond, just a few “hmm…yeah” here and there, but the woman was just going on about her garden, being allergic to cats, and her fave food. I kept huffing and at one point raised my head and glared over, but she didn’t get the hint. I wasn’t brave enough to say something in the moment, as didn’t want it to her awkward, but afterwards my friend and I complained to the receptionist and we got some money back.

She saw my review from the new place I have started going to online.

I just checked it and I’m surprised she needs to ask why I stopped going as i mentioned about how I appreciate getting the full treatment time and that it’s a relaxing comfortable atmosphere with no chit chat.
I have a feeling she knows exactly why I stopped going and this is just an emotional blackmail technique so I feel guilty and go back.

The talking drives me mad, my partner had a massage at a hotel spa break and the therapist started telling him about her mums health problems and stopping when she got emotional.
He ended up comforting her and said it was so awkward, we didn’t feel we could complain as she was obviously having a hard time and we didn’t want to get her in trouble

OP posts:
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/08/2024 03:06

Also, she's not really interested in your feedback. She's 100% focussed on reviews, both hers and her competitors'.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 14/08/2024 03:04

Most of that email is actually ok, better than I thought it would be based on your OP. She acknowledges that it's awkward and potentially overstepping to even ask you.

But asking your friends about you in the street!? OMG that is unhinged. I'd be quite furious about that and therefore unwilling to give her any information that might have been helpful to her.

I think if I were to reply at all it would be 'I'm really uncomfortable with you discussing my situation with mutual friends and would appreciate it if you don't contact me again or talk about me to other people.'

Original poster
Salumthecat · 14/08/2024 02:56

SauviGone · 13/08/2024 21:11

I live in a small town and I hate the idea of people gossiping over this

Absolutely nobody in your town even knows or cares that you get a regular massage, or where you go for it. And nobody is gossiping about it, I assure you. 😂

I have my own service-based business and sending an email out to try and re-engage clients who haven't been for a while is common, however it's usually a generic email, and my booking system will filter to send the email only to clients who have e.g. not been back in the last 6 months.

Given how much you appear to have over-thought this whole thing, I'd be interested to see the exact wording of her email to see if she really has 'accused you' of not supporting her business and it looking bad to other clients that you've gone elsewhere, or whether you've read it with your overthinking anxious slant, and read something that really isn't there.

Anyway, I'd always want to receive honest feedback from my clients if I was asking for it.

So something like "Hi X, thank you for your email asking for my honest feedback. I prefer a silent massage, you have chatted throughout my recent treatments. In addition, the last few times I've visited you, I have only received a 30 minute treatment but have been charged for the full 50 minutes. I wish you all the best with your business for the future. Please remove me from your database and don't contact me again. Thanks"

The wording on the email was:

A greeting and some polite chit chat then this -

“ I was wondering how you were when you didn’t book, I assumed it was due to people not wanting to spend at the moment with the cost of living. I’ve lost a few clients due to them cutting back and it’s affecting me as well.

I saw one of your reviews for *** place online and realised you were still getting massages but no longer coming to me. I asked Laura and Carla how you were (my friends but fake names) when I saw them in town and asked if they knew why you’d stopped coming but they said they didn’t know.

I only asked in case I’d done something wrong or upset you somehow, if I have I apologise but I’d like to know why so I don’t make the same mistakes
It was a bit of a blow to see your glowing review of the other place and it made me worry that people who know you came to me regularly might think I’ve done something to upset you and it might put them off booking in future.
I’m not blaming you, it’s always good to leave a review for a good service but I’m just worried about my business at the moment.

I’m sorry if this seems out of order me contacting you and asking questions like this, I just wanted to apologise if I’d done something wrong”

It was all a bit passive aggressive and she clearly has been gossiping to my friends and someone mentioned it directly to me who we both know.
It’s a really small town and everyone knows everyone and they seem to be invested in the most boring of things!

I might respond but I just feel like it might lead to more emails and justifying myself which I really don’t want to have to do. I don’t think she’d take the criticism well.

OP posts:
Sweetteaplease · 14/08/2024 02:47

Tell her straight, she's asked. Or don't reply.

Original poster
Salumthecat · 14/08/2024 02:38

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 13/08/2024 20:44

I've had to leave three masseuses in a row for the same reason. The first few sessions are great, then they start wanting to chat during the treatment.

Bluntly saying I didn't want to talk would have made me too uneasy to relax. So I gave all the signals that I didn't want to chat. Giving short answers, not asking questions in return, etc. They didn't take the hint.

I've given up now, even though massage really helps my chronic pain.

That’s exactly how I felt, that if I was blunt and just said something that I’d spend the rest of the massage going over and over what I’d said in my head and it’d have felt too awkward.

The new place I go to is great, I feel really comfortable and I get the feeling they would take the hint if they started to chat and I didn’t engage much.

That’s such a shame you’ve had to give up something that helps, I thought it was universally understood that you go for a massage to relax and not chat!

OP posts:
Potsnpotz · 13/08/2024 23:32

I’d agree with some of the suggested replies put forward by others mentioning you preferred getting the full session time and more quieter sessions etc, but you wish her all the best. I suspect she’s had a few regulars leave for similar reasons, so she’s trying to find out what the issue is. It’s a pity she’s so self unaware.

I had an occasional cleaner who started to take the piss in terms of leaving earlier when there were still more to clean despite the fact I’d always tip her. The second time she did it was the last time I booked her.

ImAFemaleVersionOfRoyKeane · 13/08/2024 23:20

Tell her the truth and also let her know that you are being honest with her to help her going forward with other customers!

197836543q · 13/08/2024 23:09

Sometimes i like to chat during my massage. Other times, as I lie down, i tell her I'm knackered and will probably fall asleep during it as so tired and looking forward to shutting my brain off for an hour! It works for me anyway 🙃

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 13/08/2024 22:57

Just ignore it. You are allowed to go wherever you want. That's very rude of her.

OMGsamesame · 13/08/2024 22:50

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 13/08/2024 20:10

Respond to her and say your massages were lovely but you were not giving me the full time I paid for and I didn't feel relaxed afterwards so I went elsewhere. She's very rude to ask you actually!

She's not rude. She's asking for customer feedback, albeit clumsily.

OP I would tell her but I know many on MN love to ghost/slow fade as a hobby.
I'd tell her what you really liked and what you didn't like, and what made you go elsewhere. Be prepared for her to ask you what it would take for you to give her another try.

If you phrase it carefully then it doesn't matter if other people find out. Can't be worse than her telling people that you suddenly stopped going to her and ignored her messages.

DrinkElephants · 13/08/2024 22:44

I’ve complained before about a masseuse chatting throughout my massage. It was first massage there as we were on holiday and the lady was very inappropriate with the conversation talking about personal stuff I’d had to declare on the consultation form (breastfeeding and a c section in the last 12 months)… she asked why I had a c section… and criticised bottle feeding saying the silicone harms babies (I actually mostly pumped) and a whole lot of other awful examples. Worst massage of my life and was £100++

Ended up getting 50% off next stay which we accepted as there were other things to do on site and my parents wanted to take us there as well so we were planning on going back. Just avoiding the spa next time.

But I don’t blame you for wanting a nice quiet massage every other massage I’ve had they’ve been quiet - and I’ve had a lot of massages!!

Id reply and explain why. Or just ignore, tbh she’s a bit cheeky emailing, but the feedback may help her.

Weirdly I’m in a bit of a similar issue with my regular massage lady on the timings thing. When I arrived she’d accidentally shattered a bottle of oil so spent about 10 minutes of my session clearing it up. I assumed she’d just run over slightly to make up for it but she didn’t and I felt a bit short changed.

KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2024 22:22

pimmpomm · 13/08/2024 20:42

I would ignore. It's none of her business why you've chosen to go to someone else for a treatment. It's really weird that she thinks it ok to message and question you about it. Very unprofessional.

It's quite literally her business! If she's losing customers, surely it's better for everyone that she finds out why so she can improve things?

mondaytosunday · 13/08/2024 22:05

Why not tell her the truth? Which you should have done at the time!
The chat you should have said right away that you just wanted to relax and not chat.
But the time thing - just tell her that you felt you were not getting the same service as you had in the beginning.

johann12 · 13/08/2024 21:57

I've worked as a hairdresser, and I was trained to be really chatty. But I hate getting my haircut and having to talk so much that I really put it off till my hair is really long. I think you should tell her

ImAFemaleVersionOfRoyKeane · 13/08/2024 21:48

The woman doing my massage went off and answered her phone halfway through!

ThinWomansBrain · 13/08/2024 21:41

don't reply to her personally.
leave an honest review in a public forum.

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