MIL inviting visitors to our home

Huh? Why would OP even be there to answer the door if her MIL is providing childcare?

If she were, and behaved like this, it's pretty clear it would be the last time she had childcare or indeed any other help from her MIL.

But do you think your attitude might change if those people were doing you a big favour? Surely if you're bothered about whether your house is visitor ready, the answer is to make it so on the days they're helping you and might have someone round to keep them company?

@Dumbo18 Totally agree!

Glad i dont live in the bat shit world lots of others seem to live in 😆The woman is saving you so much money and she cant even ask a friend round to keep her company, kids are boring when you spend all day with them... yes even your little darlings, so some adult company definitely makes it easier. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest but i'm one of these crazy people who answers the phone to unknown numbers, opens the door when someone has the audacity to knock and will happily do a favour without thinking what i am getting in return!

I always find it strange how many posters there are who don’t like their MIL, but basically tolerate them because they want something from them, being either free childcare or financial handouts.

MIL is doing you and your husband a big favour by looking after the children. Having a friend or two over for coffee doesn’t seem a big ask. Yes she should tell you first, and obviously she needs to stay mentally as well as physically present for the children whilst she’s caring for them, but I can totally understand wanting adult company. This is why SAHMs frequently have each other to their houses during the day - it makes sense!

This thread has been an eye opener to see how many batshit mothers are out there. Makes me glad that I'll never have a DIL

Having read more of the posts, I realise that my initial post was an over reaction.

If its a helpful friend, that would be a bonus and of course everyone likes a bit of company.
But it wasn't clear from OP's post how many friends were coming over.
From her post it appears she doesn't know them and MIL didn't tell her.

I've been in situations when DC were young when visitors, particularly ones who don't have regular contact with toddler age, have demanded full attention. Also having had some difficult experiences with people caring for them, not realising how quick DC can be at that age, it left me a lot less trusting, so if it was me I'd want the MIL to tell me who was coming.

Presumably, anyone with a mum/mil who can't be relied upon to safely look after the children, wouldn't be asked to have them in the first place.

I used to go to a toddler group, where granny brought her DGS and her friend, to help her.

Understood... BUT there is a world of difference in turning yout back and getting involved /locking self in kitchen. And chatting over the kids heads while they're playing....

No dear, it isn’t. It never fails to amaze me how odd people are on mumsnet. Especially where the MiL is concerned. If my MiL had lived long enough to care for our DC I would be very grateful. I wouldn’t consider her ‘entitled’ if she had a friend or two round for lunch, I would probably leave them something for sandwiches and as many bloody Nespresso pods as they wanted.

Every now and then there is a thread which asks why more grandparents don’t help out with child care. God, I can see why they don’t.

I know some people who had granny provide a lot of childcare for their two children. Then they announced that they were expecting a third and were horrified when granny said that she just couldn’t do it any more and they’d have to use paid childcare. I think the wife ended up leaving work because it was so expensive.

We need to value female labour more.

The only real downside of being mother to boys is the need to negotiate future family relationships with a DIL, who will quite naturally gravitate to her DM for help and support. It's noticeable that threads criticising Mothers in Law hugely outnumber those about DMs. It's as though DM is an extension of the poster so there's natural sympathy, whilst MILs are outsiders. wielding entitlement to muscle their way in where they aren't really wanted. And if DH treats his DM in the same way as daughters treat theirs, people will say a poster has 'a husband problem'.
I think the best piece of advice I've seen here, amongst the aggressive MIL bashing, is for grandparents who are good enough to offer childcare to do so in their own homes, where they can suit themselves, be comfortable and not bear the costs of commuting. And it will be a relief to some, that GPs therefore can pay for their own coffee and not scrounge from their DIL's fridge.

Couldn’t agree more. I have 8 grandkids and help out when help is needed. All of the parents go out of their way to make my childcare as smooth as possible. None of them would be remotely upset if a friend dropped in for coffee.

There's a very simple answer for those who want to have rules about what a parent coming to their home to do free childcare for them, is allowed to do.

Deliver the children to their grandparents' home, and pick them up at the end. Make some effort on your part. Expecting free childcare, for the GP to pick up the bill and the effort of the commute, and THEN adding a bunch of rules that they have to follow, really is entitlement.

YOU do the commute. Let her have the comfort of her own home, and then she gets to call the shots.

I would not like other people inviting visitors, telling rather than asking and doing so last minute.

My house is not visitor ready at all times and I'm not that keen on visitors, this would bother me. I HATE pop ins.

I have a massive family that lack boundaries. I am happy for close friends and siblings to visit whenever, they can take us as they find us. I am less accomodating to people bringing addition guests.

Given that the same poster thinks that grandma should bring her own coffee when she does childcare (though she might be allowed to use some cheap instant) I have to feel desperately sorry for any MIL that she might have.

I am totally blown away by the thought processes of some posters. I am a gran (and therefore both mother and MIL) to 7 children. I have done lots of child care over the years and my DC have been grateful and polite to me - and have not set down rules as they trust me.

The only reason I can think that the OP might object to a friend of her MIL dropping in is because she does not trust her MIL - in which case why the hell is she letting her look after her children? Ah - could it be because she does not want to spend money on child care?

Be grateful for the free child care and treat your MIL politely or don't make use of her.

Just you wait till you are a MIL!!!

Crikey! I missed that post. Definitely don't do that if you ever want your mil to even speak to you, let alone give you help!

Goes to show that people really don't appreciate what they get for free in life!

It's not actually true either 😆

Damn, you stole my post!

I could barely believe what I was reading when I saw that suggestion, and could barely wait to get to the end of the thread to say so.

Spot on .

"Inviting someone into someone else's home even once is pure entitlement. The daughter-in-law isn't taking advantage of anything because the op has agreed."

Lots of people agree to do things because they've felt pressured, or obligated - agreement doesn't necessarily mean that no advantage is being taken.

Given that some people are totally okay with this, and others aren't, I'd say that OP and her mil are just different types of personality on this issue, rather than mil being 'entitled'. Shes just in the camp who wouldn't see this as a problem. It's not helpful to look for offence where none was intended.

I wouldn't like having people in my house either, but if I've trusted my parent with my children, then I have to trust their judgement when caring for them. Sometimes we have to accept compromise and putting up with something we don't ideally want, because we are gaining more than we lose.
Obviously if mil was inviting people round who went through the OPs possessions and were disrespectful of her home, that would be one thing, but these are old family friends, who are known to the dh and are decent people.

It's a big thing to sit in someone else's house all day, minding their kids and to be completely unable to get on with any aspect of your own life at the same time. This just breaks up the boredom of the day a bit for mil.

As for the poster who would resent mil and friend using the expensive coffee pods - you do realise they cost about £5 per box and mil would need to go some before she got anywhere close to costing you what you are saving in childcare fees! The mind boggles at how short sighted some people can be. Weirdly, minding kids is not a total joy - not even the ones you love. Free childcare is a huge favour, so don't piss off parents/in-laws by moaning about them making themselves comfortable, while going you this huge favour!

Oh give over . So not one mother ever could possibly look after a child and have a chat at the same time . How ridiculous.

Well, the children like her, and they will benefit from interacting with people other than family.

But of course you do have a choice, and you could cough up for childcare instead.