Friend shamed me for feeling exhausted.

I think you have some unrealistic expectations and whilst your friend was perhaps a bit blunt, she has a point.

Being an adult sucks. No one is coming in to save you (or anyone) and yes, you do need to take each day as it comes and get on with it.

No 2 yr old that I’ve met has had the attention span to sit and watch a film independently whilst the parent does jobs. There is no such thing as “best mum” and you’ll constantly feel like you’re failing if that is what you aspire to be.

Lower your expectations. Accept that this period is both incredibly joyful but also a hard slog that will soon pass.

If possible, perhaps look into an extra day of childcare or if your parents are willing and able, openly talk to them that you are really struggling at the moment and could they have your child for a weekend so you can catch up on sleep/jobs/etc or if they are more hands on, ask if they could do xy job (sort the linen cupboard or paint the spare room). There is a difference between taking advantage of family support and genuinely asking for help in times of need. In my extended family people would be willing to help so it may be worth being open and honest.

When dsis had my niece she couldn't understand what all the exhaustion fuss was about. Niece was an absolute dream. Slept well, fed well and was generally very content and calm. Dsis was a bit sneery and cocky to be honest and she would say the same. Then she had my nephew who would howl the house down if he was put anywhere but dsis arms.

I feel your pain and I'm a SAHM (albeit with exhausting medical conditions)
I was just about keeping all the plates spinning until he decided he doesn't need daytime naps anymore.
In the last few weeks the house has gone to hell in a handcart, I'm exhausted.
However my friends would never be so callous as to just tell me to get on with it (unless I'd done nothing but moan every single time I saw them, they might issue some tough love after that)

Hang in there, It will get better.
The house will still be there, needing done once your little one is at school, out at playdates etc.

In the meantime can you and your DH get one or two days annual leave, book DC into a club/daycare and have a massive declutter and clean? (and a nap afterwards)

I’ve just started putting my 14 month old in nursery for an extra day for this exact reason. Now I have one day a week to clean, do laundry, batch cook, all the endless life admin etc. it also means the weekends are fully family time not desperately trying to catch up on chores while juggling a baby between us. If there isn’t much to do I can pick up early from nursery and go to the park, but it is such a massive relief to have the extra time.

Maybe you need to reset your own expectations- there’s no such thing as the “worlds best mum”. I’d say ignore your friend - but essentially you do just have to get on with it and make the best of it. Can you and DH each get a lie in one day at the weekend, so you catch up on sleep? And could your parents do a weekend day of childcare so you can blitz the house? You’re fortunate to have a partner and involved parents, many people don’t have that

I think it’s the hardest age as they’re so fast and have no sense of fear. It gets easier.
my children are grown up now and I think I look back with rose tinted glasses. I think it’s all about survival at this stage.

This.

Was speaking with my Dds 22 and 23 at the weekend... having a reminiscent time talking about when they were very little.

Their favourite "thing" was painting the fence/ garage door. Whenever I cut the grass I wanted them in my sight but out of the way, and they were not sit still types, so I gave them 2 old paintbrushes and a bucket of water... they didn't realise it was a distraction technique til they were about 7. And now of course they look back on it with fondness because it was always sunny times cutting the grass, even the smell of cut grass takes us all back.
Little things like that can cost next to nothing, but become a "thing".

I have two high energy DC. Eldest is 4 and just does not stop talking all day and will not play by himself. Youngest is 1 and doesn’t sleep well. I work 30 hours - always bloody knackered.

What helps us - tag teaming with the kids so we always get 30 mins at least with no questions or whines. Getting the eldest involved in the house work, takes longer but gets it done. At the weekend he helped me put all the laundry away and build a flat pack unit. We have a cleaner (not everyone can afford it, but we have one as a high priority so will spend money on that and save in other areas). Every so often I book a day off work while kids are in childcare to declutter the house, switch the clothes around etc. - get so much done with them not around.

We also tag team mornings so we both get one lie in a week.

Eat healthy ish and exercise, I always feel better after a work out. I do also eat a lot of crap to get me through the days after a sleepless night, I just notice I feel better when I don’t. But likewise, plan super easy meals for the week, we also always have a stash of M&S ready meals in the freezer for if we need a quick lunch or dinner.

All kids are just different. I’m always amazed and slightly jealous of how my nieces will play independently for hours on end and sit and colour. But then my DS can ride a bike, loves the outdoors and has so many other positive points.

Your friend is not a friend to you, and I would reduce contact and be guarded as they have a lack of compassion. Some people lack the ability to empathise with others and your 'friend' seem to be one of them.

Not only is the toddler phase probably the most exhausting, but not all toddlers are the same. Some are absolute whirlwinds, whilst others do have quiet moments and play with Playdoh long enough for you to be able to cook dinner.

Mine didn't. 😭

Your friend is being mean and unnecessary. 2 year olds are hard work, especially ones that are super active.
But if you and Dh are both parenting equally i don't think you should be this completely exhausted. I wonder if your shift pattern doesn't help... you must be exhausted after a 12 hour shift and need to rest after that.
Also lower your expectations slightly, dc doesnt have to be entertained all the time. He's reaching the age where he can amuse himself while you get a few jobs done (or relax)

I’ve now got a 2 and a 4 year old and let me tell you, everyone who has left the baby stage does not have their life together. Everyone has cupboards full of stuff that we can’t open or dig in because it’ll fall out. Everyone’s walls have little hand prints, spilled food splashes and dings from toys being dragged along. I’ve had a few streaks of permanent marker scrawl on my youngest’s wall since before she was born because I’d have to go buy a full thing of paint to cover it and my heart sinks a little every time I see it. My fridge is constantly full but there seems to be nothing to eat in it, just sauces and ingredients, and I have a pantry that never gets touched because it’s full of other stuff that just needed to be kept away from the kids.

i promise, you’re not alone. We’re all on a sinking ship here, bailing out water by making sure surfaces are clean and ignoring all the little organisational inconveniences and long term DIY projects looming. A time will come when they go to school! And they’ll want to play outside! And they won’t carry random things from room to room, making new mess while you try to clean the last mess! But that time… isn’t just yet. So go easy on yourself.

I mean, you do sort of have to just get on with it. That’s kind of the only option.

Your 2 year old sounds like mine. Does your friend have children? What are they like?
I think different children are worlds away from others - and also worth thinking about the fact that some people with apparently perfect houses etc will only achieve that by sticking kids in front of TV for hours. My niece as a 2yo was quite happy to sit all morning playing by herself whilst her SAHD watched horse racing on TV. They didn't even need a stair gate because if she was told to 'stay there', she did! Absolutely no way my son could do that, he would take it as a personal challenge to be up the stairs without me noticing. We have to get out every day. It sounds like you're providing a great childhood for your son and that's absolutely what should come first. As long as you're not forgetting that involving him in everyday things is important too- a trip to supermarket, playing in garden whilst you prune bushes, helping you clean, I know it all takes a hundred times longer with 'help' though!

It is exhausting, but it gets easier. If you can afford a cleaner, I would do this. Also ask about for a babysitter so you can have a night out.

Third step have a 2nd child so they can entertain each other 😆

I have twins and so many people have said 'oh bet that was a nightmare when they were tiny' .... it was very full on but I do think by the time they were 2 or 3 they entertained each other at times so in a lot of ways it was easier than your situation.

Your friend doesn't sound very nice.

I feel like everything in the house needs sorting, cupboards are a mess. Decorating needs to be done. But when do you find the time?

In the not too distant future your son won't want to play with you all the time and you'll have to even ask them for a cuddle! It doesn't last forever. Pick a cupboard, shuffle a few jars around or stick the mini-vac in to vacuum up the crumbs and leave it at that, wipe the cupboard door when you wipe the worktops. It's enough for now. In that not so distant future you'll be able to deep clean the cupboards, for now they can wait.

Decorating is a tricky one. Can you afford to get a decorator in? If not pick a small thing that will make a big difference. Mine was putting up the coat rack. The impact was huge for such a small thing.

You probably lowered your expectations around you and your home when your little one first arrived and it sounds like your expectations have crept back up sneakily on you. Tell them to pipe back down again, now is not the time. There will be a time, but not yet. Take the pressure off yourself a little.

Then book a baby sitter and go out for a date night.

I suppose that yes, it probably is an inevitable part of having a two-year-old and in that sense it probably is 'what you signed up for' - but that doesn't mean you're unreasonable to feel exhausted, or to find it hard, or to looking for advice on how to make it a bit easier! Your friend is being a complete twat.

I don't have any kids so I would have no useful practical advice for a friend who told me they were exhausted from caring for a toddler, but I'd still offer sympathy and concern and listen to them instead of saying 'Stop being dramatic and get on with it'. Your friend was awful to react like that.

Everyone is right.

Your friend is a dick

Two is the hardest age (it was for me)

You need to accept you're in survival mode and it will pass

I became a single mother when mine was 3. NGL single parenting a 3/4 year old was easier for me than double parenting a 2yo. They start to play unsupervised, and you can leave the room without them sticking forks in sockets. But it's okay to cut corners, have mess, need to rest (I should also take this advice).

What a nasty thing for your friend to say…. A true friend would offer to take your child to the park so you could sort your cupboard…

But you know, no one ever died of a messy house. Or because their cupboards weren’t tidy or the house wasn’t decorated. Honestly. Your child sounds like a very typical two year old, and they are very full on! In three years time he will be at school, and you can decorate the whole house! But until then just keep on top of the day to day stuff, as you are, and enjoy your son.

It sounds like she delivered the message without empathy but she's not entirely wrong.

2 functioning adults to one toddler is a good ratio.

Your comments about being the best mum ever might be key to this. He needs to learn you can't do everything he wants all the time. An afternoon sorting out the kitchen cupboards while he plays with Tupperware is still being a good mum. Find things you can involve him in but are productive for you too.

Also - you need to accept this is a difficult phase and adapt the REST of your life accordingly. Using annual leave for weddings and other people's needs might not be best right now. How many of your weekends are spend pleasing other people or doing stuff you think you should do? Maybe time to drop the rope a bit there and have more time in the house and resting.

How you feel is how you feel so your friend can’t judge.
However, you can make things a bit easier for yourself. Your ds might anyways want to be doing things… you can say no. He might not be the type to watch a movie- I don’t think any 2 year olds are. But they can watch shorter episodes, colour, play. They have to have time playing by themselves to learn to play by themselves, if that makes sense.
With a couple of half hours a day where ds is occupied at home, it is amazing what you can get done.
I mean, you’ll still be chasing your tail, but might feel a little more on top of stuff.

I have a 2 year old and I can relate. Your friend is a dick

Your friend is unhelpful