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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister Regifting

111 replies

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 09:36

My sister and I used to be very close but owing to some challenges our relationship isn’t what it once was. I have two boys, one four and one newborn and she has a seven year old girl. Generally, gifts on special occasions for the kids are thoughtful and useful.

My sister left some presents at my parents for me and my mum passed these on. She had regifted the following;

  • A stained three piece baby set with an item missing, so a two piece in reality.
  • A baby bouquet where the ‘flowers’ are rolled up socks etc. All bar a few items which were once white had yellowed as it’s obviously been stored since she had her daughter. In fact, I remember her specifically saying how much she hated it when she was given it.
  • A photo frame given to her by our cousin when her daughter was born. This was in perfect condition unlike the above.

All the gifts were thrown in a supermarket bag and smelt musty, as if they’d just been cleared out of the loft or storage and passed on to me instead of being properly sorted.

AIBU to be upset by being given this from my sister? Particularly the stained, missing and yellowed items?

OP posts:
tuttuttutt · 13/08/2024 11:03

Next time she leaves her smelly junk with your mum just don't accept it. What an insult.

Avatartar · 13/08/2024 11:00

Think I’d tell her to stuff the socks in the holes her husband has made in the walls to letch through.
on a serious note is she being controlled or coerced in any way by him and needing support (understndably not from you).
keep your distance but make it known you know the items are recycling.

Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 10:54

What a pity you didn't report her husband.
Keep them all away from your family, they sound toxic.

Forget about the rubbish gifts, they are the least of your problems with your sister and her family.

Dontjudgeme101 · 13/08/2024 10:53

I am so sorry op. You don’t deserve that. That is really mean. 💐💐💐

icouldholditwithacobweb · 13/08/2024 10:52

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:12

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

Edited

Claim you didn't see any gifts, all you saw was a carrier bag with some musty old stained items you remember her saying she hated when she was gifted them. No sign of any gifts for your new baby. Maybe she left them in her car?

BrownBirdWelcomesWhiteWave · 13/08/2024 10:52

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:12

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

Edited

I'd message back and say "got the second hand stuff you left, but mum said you didnt leave a present, just those bits?"

Peoniesinbloom · 13/08/2024 10:52

even without the back story (sorry this happened to you OP) I would be offended and not accept this bag of trash.

My sis will often pass bags of hand me downs she has not had time to sort, she would say I'm sorry I didn't have time to sort through so apologies if there is anything to old/worn/stained, throw away and give to charity what is unsuitable for you.
thats normal

She would also always make my new baby arriving a special event and would gift something (lets be honest getting cute baby gift is not a big expense even a bib set would do, its about the gesture )
thats normal
what your sis did is a snub

TemuSpecialBuy · 13/08/2024 10:50

WhereDoWeGoFromHereBill · 13/08/2024 10:45

Did you open them in front of your mum? What was her reaction?

The message is VERY clear - that is all you and your baby are worth 😡

I don’t think that’s the message

I think it’s not even about them in a lot of ways…

the sister is unhappy anyway and going through a lot of other stuff (a lot is her choice) and is displacing her anger / resentment / jealousy / whatever and directing at her sister who frankly has nice calm life her sister is probably mega jealous of.

ChiefEverythingOfficer · 13/08/2024 10:49

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:12

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

Edited

I would be messaging back to ask if she is having a laugh. Tell her you are not a recycling point for second hand items in poor condition, which presumably aren't even for the clothing bank.

What do you have to lose? She clearly doesn't give a fuck about you.

Iwasafool · 13/08/2024 10:48

HowIrresponsible · 13/08/2024 10:02

I'd give them back via your mum and tell her you don't want her old cast offs.

I mean you couldn't be so blunt with a friend but with family you absolutely can.

Just do it.

Why drag her mother into it? If OP wants to return it then do that but don't make her mother piggy in the middle.

HowIrresponsible · 13/08/2024 10:46

In that case I wouldn't have even accepted them in the first place. I'd have left them with your mum.

WhereDoWeGoFromHereBill · 13/08/2024 10:45

Did you open them in front of your mum? What was her reaction?

The message is VERY clear - that is all you and your baby are worth 😡

Projectme · 13/08/2024 10:44

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:37

No she hasn’t yet met the new baby. She hasn’t been over to my house since January due to some wildly inappropriate comments made by her child that I did not want my son exposed to or repeating. (Mentioning killing, suicide and hatred towards a religious group. She’s 7.)

Prior to this, I have been a victim of sexual abuse in the form of voyeurism, at the hands of her husband without my knowledge or consent. I was secretly filmed in the shower when I stayed at her home once which means I do not go to her home anymore or talk to her husband. Since this, our relationship has become very different.

I agree she is probably showing her emotions by doing this. I just think it’s unwarranted and a bit horrible for a newborn baby to be the subject of nastiness dressed up as something nice. She also made some disparaging comments about newborn DS’s name.

fuck me. that changes everything.

Given that information, I wouldn't have even taken the items away with me, from my mum's house. I'd have text my sister and said exactly why.

TemuSpecialBuy · 13/08/2024 10:43

Jesus that is some backstory…!!!

no one wants to be the villain in own their own story….she must be dealing with an unreal amount of cognitive dissonance at her behaviour and her families.

she has an child with What sounds like significant behavioural issues and a filthy pervert of a husband she’s standing by…

you are an inconvenient reminder of both.
her behaviour is 💯 about her not you…

I’d give the “gifts” back to your mother with a thanks but no thanks and recommend a couple of charities who are taking donations

what does your DM have to say about her Sexpervert SonIL and denier/enabler DD???

Heronwatcher · 13/08/2024 10:42

Yeah from your updates I think go low contact but don’t make it about the gift! There are much bigger issues here to deal with.

Member984815 · 13/08/2024 10:40

I think that maybe low contact with her is best for you , the husband thing would have been enough for me to go no contact , that's more than a challenge it's a crime

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:39

DazedAndConfused321 · 13/08/2024 10:32

You have challenges, but if she usually unkind/mean? Is this what she does? You said gifts are usually thoughtful/useful, is that her style?

She’s often unkind and mean unfortunately, even to my parents. Usually not with things to do with my son but it appears that children are now no longer exempt from the meanness either.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 13/08/2024 10:38

There are 2 possible scenarios-

  1. Sister unexpectedly busy last week or unexpectedly broke and either doesn’t have time or money to get a better gift- therefore throws together something in haste thinking that it’s the best she can do (maybe some of it looked fine to her before it was all opened out and she thought it was better than sending nothing); or
  2. sister deliberately sends a rubbish gift because she’s pissed off with you and wants to make a point. Doesn’t sound that likely if she’s been good with gifts in the past but we don’t know the history.

Either way best thing to do is to take the gift with good grace, say thanks, use what you can and recycle the rest. If this keeps happening then I’d probably just make a suggestion that you stop doing gifts and just all go out for a meal or something, and if you suspect there are other issues in the relationship address those separately.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 13/08/2024 10:37

I wouldn't thank her (there's nothing to feel grateful for and no thought has gone into it). If she asks if you got it just say yes.

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:37

Member984815 · 13/08/2024 10:29

You say there were challenges in your relationship, maybe she is upset with you and wants to let you know by doing this , the fact she didn't personally give them to you says a lot . Has she met the new baby at all

No she hasn’t yet met the new baby. She hasn’t been over to my house since January due to some wildly inappropriate comments made by her child that I did not want my son exposed to or repeating. (Mentioning killing, suicide and hatred towards a religious group. She’s 7.)

Prior to this, I have been a victim of sexual abuse in the form of voyeurism, at the hands of her husband without my knowledge or consent. I was secretly filmed in the shower when I stayed at her home once which means I do not go to her home anymore or talk to her husband. Since this, our relationship has become very different.

I agree she is probably showing her emotions by doing this. I just think it’s unwarranted and a bit horrible for a newborn baby to be the subject of nastiness dressed up as something nice. She also made some disparaging comments about newborn DS’s name.

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 13/08/2024 10:37

If she doesn’t have form I’d assume good intent.

I’d ask her it’ll everything is okay with her as you got the baby gift and very honestly you were shocked that she gave you stained, partially missing regifts which is not like her… so you wanted to check in with her and see if there’s anything wrong.

if you don’t want to call it out I’d dial down the gifts massively. Like £10-15 limit

DazedAndConfused321 · 13/08/2024 10:32

You have challenges, but if she usually unkind/mean? Is this what she does? You said gifts are usually thoughtful/useful, is that her style?

Shinyandnew1 · 13/08/2024 10:32

I’d send her a message saying, ‘Thanks, mum has just passed the carrier bag of old stuff from you on. I remember you being given that baby bouquet of socks for x years ago 😂’

Then you’ve said thanks and also told her you know it’s a bag of her old presents.

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:30

Lurkingandlearning · 13/08/2024 10:21

I think that was mean of her as it was specifically a gift rather than just giving things she no longer wanted but you might find useful. I also think it’s odd that she saves things like that long enough to get musty rather than donating them while they are still new.

Even if she had run out of time an e voucher would have been better.

You’re not unreasonable for being upset but I wouldn’t make an issue of it, just adjust your expectations going forward. You can’t even really match her when you give presents in the future because that would mean taking it out on your niece. Some of the meanest people I’ve known have been wealthy and it seems she’s the same

This is exactly my sentiments. I would never do such a thing to my niece.

OP posts:
Member984815 · 13/08/2024 10:29

You say there were challenges in your relationship, maybe she is upset with you and wants to let you know by doing this , the fact she didn't personally give them to you says a lot . Has she met the new baby at all

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