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AIBU?

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Sister Regifting

111 replies

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 09:36

My sister and I used to be very close but owing to some challenges our relationship isn’t what it once was. I have two boys, one four and one newborn and she has a seven year old girl. Generally, gifts on special occasions for the kids are thoughtful and useful.

My sister left some presents at my parents for me and my mum passed these on. She had regifted the following;

  • A stained three piece baby set with an item missing, so a two piece in reality.
  • A baby bouquet where the ‘flowers’ are rolled up socks etc. All bar a few items which were once white had yellowed as it’s obviously been stored since she had her daughter. In fact, I remember her specifically saying how much she hated it when she was given it.
  • A photo frame given to her by our cousin when her daughter was born. This was in perfect condition unlike the above.

All the gifts were thrown in a supermarket bag and smelt musty, as if they’d just been cleared out of the loft or storage and passed on to me instead of being properly sorted.

AIBU to be upset by being given this from my sister? Particularly the stained, missing and yellowed items?

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 17/08/2024 13:34

laurwalsh · 17/08/2024 12:45

Years ago when I wasn't in the best place I regifted two outfits to one of my oldest best friends who had just had twins. It haunts me to this day because she had been through years of ivf and had a scary pregnancy and her two little boys were so precious. My outfits were for a 18 month maybe even two years. Were two totally different outfits albeit had never been worn and tags on, one was Hugo boss from what I remember. But I honestly think about it often and regret it so much. She must have known they were regifted and to think I did that to my dear friend and two little babies and didn't put the thought and money behind something kills me.

Tell her. Unburden yourself. Stop being killed 🙏🏼

Mathsbabe · 17/08/2024 13:16

I am curious about how you and your parents knew about the video. I guess your sister told them.
Maybe she didn't feel that she could report her husband, and her DDs father, and was looking to you and/or your parents to bear the burden.
But you didn't so she's stuck with him.
In your shoes I would report him now before his daughter, for whom there is no escape, becomes his victim.

crockofshite · 17/08/2024 13:03

Dump the stained stuff, charity shop the rest so you're not reminded of her when you see or use it.

Understand that this pettiness is about her, not you . She has major issues to deal with and it's not your fault.

Forget about her behaviour and move on, enjoy your baby 🐥

laurwalsh · 17/08/2024 12:45

Years ago when I wasn't in the best place I regifted two outfits to one of my oldest best friends who had just had twins. It haunts me to this day because she had been through years of ivf and had a scary pregnancy and her two little boys were so precious. My outfits were for a 18 month maybe even two years. Were two totally different outfits albeit had never been worn and tags on, one was Hugo boss from what I remember. But I honestly think about it often and regret it so much. She must have known they were regifted and to think I did that to my dear friend and two little babies and didn't put the thought and money behind something kills me.

Beautiful3 · 17/08/2024 12:36

I would leave those gifts at your mother's, and say they're not needed. Don't bring them home. Ignore your sister, her husband and their children. He is a sexual predator, keep them away from your children.

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 12:24

Just caught up with the info about the sex-offender BIL.

If you want to try and maintain a relationship with yours sister regardless of him, my advice still stands. Play dumb. Pretend you are not the slightest bit offended, because of course that bag of clear-out bits can't possibly have been the present that was mentioned.
So send a text to that effect, then drop it. Don't mention the present again - you have completely forgotten about it so it doesn't even register with you that no real present appeared.

If you want to keep up a relationship with her, I can't think of any other way to respond to such insults except by playing dumb and deliberately not being the slightest bit offended.

Otherwise the option is to let the relationship go.

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 12:15

BrownBirdWelcomesWhiteWave · 13/08/2024 10:52

I'd message back and say "got the second hand stuff you left, but mum said you didnt leave a present, just those bits?"

This. Pretend you don't understand that this bag of second-hand tat is the gift:

"Thanks for the second-hand stuff - always happy to take bits off your hands if you are having a clear out. What I can't use I will bin or give to charity if it is good enough. You mentioned a gift for baby? Did you leave this with Mum yet or has she forgotten?"

Workhardcryharder · 17/08/2024 12:15

WhereDoWeGoFromHereBill · 13/08/2024 10:45

Did you open them in front of your mum? What was her reaction?

The message is VERY clear - that is all you and your baby are worth 😡

This is melodramatic.

Some people aren’t gifters which is fine. Our materialistic society is contributing to ruining the planet anyway.

How she treats you around the gifts is what actually matters.

Swiftie1878 · 17/08/2024 12:01

The gift is not the problem here, obviously.

You should report your BIL now. You can say you don’t wish to press charges, but you’d like it on record that you reported it. If he’s done it once, he’ll likely do it again. What is his job? Does he work with women? I honestly dread to think what he is up to or could get up to…

You should also contact Social Services about your niece. You obviously understand Prevent. You know why you should do this too.

I really feel for you. None of this is easy, but you have a responsibility to protect others now.

otravezempezamos · 17/08/2024 11:47

Send them all back. Thanks but no thanks.

EatTheGnome · 17/08/2024 11:46

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 09:59

It was a present for my new baby who is 3 weeks old. She’s not short on cash. She has two properties, a rental income and both she and my BIL are higher earners.

I don’t really care if she gets gifts for the baby or not, I would’ve preferred nothing. I’m miffed at being given stained, partially missing regifts and that hurts more than receiving nothing would have.

I'd shame her with faux innocence by saying how much you love one of the gifts but does she have the receipt as there is a problem with it e.g. stain and then registry the photo frame to her for her next birthday so she knows you know.

Regifting is good if its thoughtfully done but that isn't.

DottyLottieLou · 17/08/2024 11:45

Itvis admirable that you want to keep your sister in your life but she does not deserve it. If this was me I would not want anything to do with her or her family. And yes it would be taken extremely seriously at school if their daughter said things like that, whatever her age. There is no excuse for a 7 year old spouting that sh*t. And it certainly isn't normal as someone said.

Nosygirl01 · 17/08/2024 11:42

If he was watching you in the shower what are the chances he’s watching his daughter?!
sick fuck!
id send her a msg and call her out on the shit she sent and bin it. Don’t bother with her anymore!

suburburban · 13/08/2024 17:16

Yanbu

Why are some well off people so stingy

Yes I know that why they are well off but still

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 17:05

LL1991 · 13/08/2024 16:56

OP, I'm afraid I am also sister to a regifting sister! I can't say here what I got for christmas the year before I had my son as it will give me away but if you want to private message me I can give you your laugh for the day!
I'd go low contact with your sister (if no contact is off the cards for you) and refuse all gifts in future. You can send a gift via your mum for the 7 year old if you want but it doesn't sound like you'll be missing anything by going low or no contact. I wouldn't want my kids playing with a cousin who would say racist things around them and you need to stay away from her husband.

I'm afraid your family sounds similar to mine, lots of posturing to pretend they are upper-middle class but everyone seems to have personality disorder, hate each other and all love drama! Too much for me, I'm low contact with all the trouble makers and so much better for it mentally.

Yes you’ve summed it up well here really. It’s more a pressure from parents that she’s family/my sister and therefore I have to put up with her and it’s just ‘how she is’ at every turn when she’s unpleasant. If the shoe were on the other foot and I regifted her a bunch of stuff like that I would be told by my parents I was wrong whereas they wouldn’t dare do so with her as they’re effectively a bit scared as she can sometimes be quite volatile.

I’m intrigued by the regift you received now!

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 13/08/2024 17:01

Shinyandnew1 · 13/08/2024 10:32

I’d send her a message saying, ‘Thanks, mum has just passed the carrier bag of old stuff from you on. I remember you being given that baby bouquet of socks for x years ago 😂’

Then you’ve said thanks and also told her you know it’s a bag of her old presents.

Oh yes .

LL1991 · 13/08/2024 16:56

OP, I'm afraid I am also sister to a regifting sister! I can't say here what I got for christmas the year before I had my son as it will give me away but if you want to private message me I can give you your laugh for the day!
I'd go low contact with your sister (if no contact is off the cards for you) and refuse all gifts in future. You can send a gift via your mum for the 7 year old if you want but it doesn't sound like you'll be missing anything by going low or no contact. I wouldn't want my kids playing with a cousin who would say racist things around them and you need to stay away from her husband.

I'm afraid your family sounds similar to mine, lots of posturing to pretend they are upper-middle class but everyone seems to have personality disorder, hate each other and all love drama! Too much for me, I'm low contact with all the trouble makers and so much better for it mentally.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 13/08/2024 16:35

I think she clearly takes out her frustration wit hher husband on you, instead of the diskhead. Even if you knew nothing about being filmed, she chose to forgive him, but still feels angry and humuliated, and since you know of it, it probably plays a big part. And she has to be angry at someone, it's easier if it is you rather than the man she needs/chose to share a house with.
I'd send the gifts back to her, or say "Hey thank you we wont use these" and leave them back at your parents for her to collect.
Not sure what your relationship with her will be like or what you want it to look like going forward, but it's clear you value it more than she does.

Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 15:04

I would be most concerned at your niece having friends to her house.
He is a sex offender.
If I was the mother of your nieces friends I would really like to know exactly the type of scum he is.

This is a perfect example of why some people refuse to have their children go on sleepovers when they are young.
You really never know.
He has committed a crime, make no mistake on that score.

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 14:50

Muthaofcats · 13/08/2024 14:21

Yes sorry, lazy language on my part. I apologise. You are not responsible for that man’s behaviour. I guess what I was getting at (poorly) was that carrying on trying to have a relationship to the extent you’re focusing on expectations around gifts rather than the real issue, is a bit wonky. I get it though, it’s totally unfair and you didn’t ask for any of it. Forget the gift is what I’m saying. Could your preoccupation with that be a bit of projection for the real feelings of sadness that she’s chosen him over you? If my husband had been filming my sister (or anyone) in the shower I would not still be with him!!!!

Thank you. Yes I would be exactly the same, no way I would stay with someone after that. You’re right in that I absolutely think sadness and frustration is coming up in other ways here. The gift is the tip of an iceberg.

OP posts:
Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 14:49

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/08/2024 14:34

‘teachers would have had a duty to report it under prevent. ‘

She is seven years old .

The age of the child doesn’t matter, all comments of a particular nature have to be reported. She was discussing killing people of a particular religion/those coming from a particular country and my sister later admitted to having such conversations around her. That is the very reason that prevent is in place for. To PREVENT radicalised young people. Whether you’re 7 or 15 is irrelevant.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/08/2024 14:34

‘teachers would have had a duty to report it under prevent. ‘

She is seven years old .

Soubriquet · 13/08/2024 14:25

When I had my first born, my sister gave me all of her daughter’s clothes. She was already 2 by then

Sounds sweet? Nope. They reeked of smoke (she’s a smoker. I’ve never smoked) and were so badly stained, in some it was hard to tell what colour it was supposed to be.

They went straight into the bin

Muthaofcats · 13/08/2024 14:21

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 11:21

I am not part of the problem. Though I wasn’t physically touched would you say to someone scared of reporting a physical abuse they’re part of a the problem? Probably not. Trauma from sexual abuse, physical or otherwise, is not as straightforward as that.

i also did not shame my niece. I asked my sister to point her in the right direction behaviour wise and gently but firmly told her we don’t speak like that. Had she have made the comments she did at school, her teachers would have had a duty to report it under prevent.

I agree there are much bigger issues at play but please don’t chastise me as being culpable for abuse I have suffered and overreacting to my niece’s comments.

Yes sorry, lazy language on my part. I apologise. You are not responsible for that man’s behaviour. I guess what I was getting at (poorly) was that carrying on trying to have a relationship to the extent you’re focusing on expectations around gifts rather than the real issue, is a bit wonky. I get it though, it’s totally unfair and you didn’t ask for any of it. Forget the gift is what I’m saying. Could your preoccupation with that be a bit of projection for the real feelings of sadness that she’s chosen him over you? If my husband had been filming my sister (or anyone) in the shower I would not still be with him!!!!

CornishTiger · 13/08/2024 12:38

Please seek counselling and support regarding her husband. Hopefully this will help you even if you don’t report. However I really hope you find yourself able too. In a few years her child will be having female friends.

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