to not understand how the fuck people manage it

If you want to lose weight you have to focus on your food. If you have a fairly healthy diet already, cut down on portion size, snacks & alcohol. This will deliver more results in weight loss than any gym membership.

Re. exercise - my DH & I work FT and DH gets back late. We do our exercise in the morning. Get up at 5:45, if DH is going for a run, I will do a work out from the internet (I subscribe to instructor live as I get a discount from work). Or vice versa, I will go for a run and he will work out at home.

We do not have time to go to the gym so we try to do what we can.
It's sometime hard to get up at that time but I always feel a lot better when I have finished my exercise.

You don’t like the gym so you will never prioritise it. Cancel your membership. Go for a 20 min run every day instead. You can find 20 mins in your day. Or join classpass and find some fun classes to try out. I do spinning, yoga, Pilates, boxing, whatever takes my fancy that week.

But most of all keep a food diary and track what you eat on MyFitnessPal. I know you said you eat relatively healthy but I bet you eat too many carbs and sugar (no judgement, I also do when I’m just trying to get through the day!). Once you start tracking you’ll see easy things to cut down on which will probably reduce your calorie intake by around 500 per day without much effort.

What about the weekends, could you fit in two early morning workouts or a swim then?

Agree with pps that diet and fasting is the key to taking weight off, exercise is about maintaining that, building muscle, and toning. Low carb and higher protein worked better for me, plus not eating in the evening (hard I know when you're stressed).

You could buy a small running/walking board to use at home on weekday mornings/evenings, they fit under a bed or sofa if you are short on space. And any hill walks are good, you get the benefit of a workout on your legs and exercise in the fresh air.

Your teenagers are very much relevant to this situation because they should also be mucking in with chores.

YouTube is your friend. Work Ft, toddler and older kid. We make/plan meals for Mon to Thurs and squeeze a YouTube workout whenever you can.....Caroline Girvan, Joe Wicks, HIIT (quick!) type stuff, defo get kettlebells to go for strength and toning too. You can start with 6kg or 8kg and pick these up in Asda or Aldi.
Sometimes my kids watch me, and "join in", sometimes they're in bed (first thing or early eve).

Also watch what I eat and tend to follow 16:8 through the week. The jury's out on the evidence but psychologically I've always preferred fasted work outs , so will tend to try and work out in the AM.
When out and about, walk, park far away, use stairs not lifts...it all works on the burn. It easier said than done but you just need to make it routine and not a chore.

Sorry about the sleep stuff in your last post(just seen this before I sent)....just get a much sleep as you can for now. However, and you may or may not like , go to the gym at toddler's bedtime, so they're not reliant on you exclusively. It's absolutely fine to leave parenting to their other parent, helps toddler understand/trust others at bed too. I've done this with mine and she's settled ok too...it is hard though, I know...all the best.

Take turns doing bedtime. If you don't like the gym go out for a walk for an hour with a podcast, good for your health and your mind. You'll feel better for it.
Also why would you need to get up at 4am for the gym? That just ridiculous.
You could roll out of bed at 6, so half an hour downstairs be showered by 7.

Please find exercise you enjoy, it's so much easier! I hate the gym but love doing martial arts three times a week.

Most offer a free class, some councils offer free outdoor classes (look up Our Parks), with ClassPass you can do a couple for £5. I'd stick to the weekend with your schedule. Maybe Parkrun with a pushchair would work for you?

Also, we always ate dinner together. Having two seperate dinners- one for you and one for child just add unecessary time and work.

If you can, create a home gym. Invest in one cardio machine (I’ve heard that Pelaton bikes are good but they are expensive), or a treadmill. This is by no means necessary but will help you with cardio, if you want to shift weight quickly. Then buy yourself a set of weights (1.5kg, 2kg, 3kg, 5kg), a yoga mat and two yoga blocks.

Make part of one room your “gym” and create a crèche that is separate from the workout area - so you can keep an eye on your little one while working out.

You can then play workout videos as this will help you get the most out of your workouts. I’d recommend Les Mills (you need to pay a monthly subscription for their videos but they have an excellent library of workouts), alternatively MadFit or PopSugar Fitness on YouTube are fantastic (and free!), and a lot of their videos don’t require any equipment either.

Also - to encourage you to keep to a fitness routine, add your workouts to your calendar so they become a thing that is a part of your day. I’d recommend a 5am workout if you can manage an early start, or, 30-45 mins as soon as you get back from work.

Good luck!! Hope you get into a routine that works for you.

I used to go to the gym at 5:30am twice a week and on my lunch break twice a week. Id also do a long session on one weekend day (take turns between DH and I). So managed 6x a week. If work were super busy and I couldn’t get away at lunch, the worst was 3x a week.

DH and I would take turns dropping at nursery.

You are completely ruthless and you set time aside that is sacrosanct.

I do ParkRun - Saturday morning, 8.30-10am and a martial arts class 4.45 on Sunday. Then it's early morning run or home gym.

In the nicest possible way, your son will just have to suck it up if one of you isn't there. In my experience they just get on with it. If you are both there, they can do this stuff. They are tired and cranky by then after a day at nursery so ideally you should be handing him over bathed and full of tea for a bedtime story to your DH. Walk out the door and ignore any yelling.
That's what it's going to take if you really want to do it. You can then reciprocate with your husband if he wants to go out and do something.

It's about diet but also exercise, particularly weights.

It is a complete hamster wheel at this age. It does get better albeit another child prolongs it.

What I would say is that doing everything together won't do your son or yourselves any favours. You both need some headspace if your son is going to get the best of you. Don't underestimate the impact of never having time out will have on how irritable and short tempered you can be with him and your DH

It's diet that will help you lose weight not exercise although exercise will help you build muscle.
Could you get up a bit earlier and do a half hour body weight video off you tube or a weights sequence?

Go at the weekend, or when DH gets in, or once toddler is ready for bed, at 730 ish. You don’t always have to do bedtime together.

And im sure husband could take care of the bedtime hour on his own. He's not a helpless bairn.

I don't have the most supportive husband to be honest (that is another thread) when it comes to household chores so everything feels like it's on me

And there it is.

Well time to get selfish OP.

6am. Lunch hour, after work.

I work full time with 3 kids on days I’m in the office (leave the house at 6am) I get home 5:30 get everyone’s dinner done etc husband does bedtime and I head to the gym for 7 or 8 pm.

on days I wfh I either get up as normal at 5 and get to the gym for opening (6:15) or go in the evening.

Currently I’m getting up at 0530 to go for a run. Helps I WFH 4 days a week so don’t have to commute/get ready. But until very recently this would have been impossible as DC2 was coming in several times a night. He’s now stopped so I get to bed for 930 and get a good nights sleep then up to run. But it’s tough if you’re exhausted

Exercise snacking and generally trying to fit movement into your day can make a surprising difference - keep a resistance band in the kitchen and do some arm extensions while the kettle boils, do a few squats or lunges while you brush your teeth, hold a plank or do stretches in front of the TV.

Physical play with your toddler or dancing to music can be fun for you both and a surprisingly good workout, particularly jumping which is great for bones and explosive strength and so intense that a little goes a long way. A toddler is a solid weight for rucking or lifting and will reward you with giggles when you lift them high enough! Playground equipment can be handy too - I built up to chin ups using the climbing frame at our local play park. With a little ingenuity and planning you could make a real difference without ever going to the gym.