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Original poster

MIL likes to be almost part of our relationship or in the family

112 replies

MumDaisy1980 · 13/08/2024 09:10

Although I am a new mum for a 4 month old, it's still hard for me to understand the happiness of MIL about our baby's arrival.

We visited MIL & family last weekend and as expected she has this tremendous happiness shown in her face. I learnt to let go a little bit more, to be chilled and let DH and MIL & many in laws to play with the baby. I told myself it's the opportunity for the baby to know his wider family. But something I don't understand is MIL almost like to be in my position erm... or when DH talking to me say after he fed the baby I could hold the baby so DH can resume his lunch, but MIL was not really looking but in the same space quickly say sure one minute let me finish my bite. And I was like sure MIL feel free to give baby a cuddle. But I feel a bit erm....speechless would be my word.

Then also it's my DH bday soon, MIL then said oh last week I went shopping and saw a beautiful card for Dad from Son, she almost want to get it. I found it odd too.

On the other hand, she also has a tendency pouring the nightmares of raising a child , for example when I was pregnant after the congratulations , time to time she would say - I look so much forward for the new grandchild, I don't have to do all the hard work and can have the enjoyment . At that time and still I don't understand why she has to make the statement.

Or after checking how the baby is doing weight, sleep pattern etc, the baby so far so good, no major issue. then she would throw something like wait till the baby is teething and the crying cycle will start all over again.

Or last time DH was changing nappy - which is quite an achievement for new parent, then MIL kept distracting the baby and again said sth to DH said wait till baby grown older and move around - not easy to change nappy anymore.

Though they might be true, but I don't understand what's the point on saying them. and if any other MIL can share the thoughts would be great.

Besides, our baby is the 10th grandchild in the fam - I somehow found our baby got especially too much attention and I don't understand why. Perhaps because we are the only couple not living 5 mins down the road, so see each other less often.

I would like to add that overall I have good relationship with MIL, I can tell all her intention meant good. it's only when I am a bit moody then these small matters bug me a lot.

I wonder if anyone share similar experience? how you calm yourself!?

OP posts:
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Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 21/08/2024 16:03

@saraclara Thanks! Agree about being routine and boring.

I did share cute photos with MIL but only when I really have a moment for myself and in the mood. So no way close to once a day.

And the more she chased for grandkid info , photos, what been up to , the more I feel resentful to do so. she would call to DH (and DH put her in loudspeaker) in a cheerful tone, asking where is her daily photo? we don't want to disappoint her being respectful to elderly but also as you said I personally do feel over the top (I can't say for DH).

I guess I reacted to her care because of how intense on interacting with her since baby was born. we were the only couple in the fam did not have children, and interaction with MIL usually during fam birthdays, xmas kind of time and in between those dates, me and DH just in our world enjoying ourselves. so after baby was born, I felt odd she just wanted to know everything to the extent that how we live our lives.

e.g when I mention my friends had a baby two months older and next question would be what friend is that, were they in your wedding- have I met him/her, how often you meet the friend. I was quite surprise from the questions because the main point in the conversation was saying something like my friend's baby similar age already do x y z. our baby can do x but not y z.

Thanks again for sharing grandparents' perspective.

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/08/2024 14:12

Speaking as a grandma, I think a daily photo is way over the top. I love to see photos of my grandkids, but I see then when there's a reason that DD wants to share them, and the random unexpected photo via WhatsApp, from a day out, or when they've done something cute, is lovely. I don't need one once a day. That would just get routine and almost boring (sorry) after a while.

Get your DH to say that you'll send photos when there's a particularly nice one that you want to share, but that there won't be a daily one for the sake of it.

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 20/08/2024 21:36

Thank you everyone.

yes, I agree with majority MIL is being caring. From my original post, I do have good relationship with MIL. I would like to add that though my feeling was like me and DH relationship was constantly being looking over kind of observation.

she requested to DH for daily photo (which I did not object but I am not the one sending). DH initially passed the message to me and presumed me to do it but I think after he realised how demanding to nurse a baby - he would take photos and send them to MIL.

but what I didn’t like is I was very happy to to show photos and video to DH and his reply is can you send that to me (ie he then send to MIL) . I feel like my daily life just got exposed . I feel like those photos are between me and DH and baby. I felt those photos are more private. And there are photos I prefer to be shared to others to wider family. I didn’t say no to DH because also no reason to say I don’t want those photos send to MIL. Simply I feel not want to.

i guess is some sort of overprotection hormones kick in or it’s a matter of I prefer I share things when I want to but not MIL constantly digging what we are up to today, like can I see what you are doing everyday with grandchild.

OP posts:
Zanina · 20/08/2024 17:38

Wish my MIL gave that much love and attention to my babies and husband.

AlmostThere88 · 20/08/2024 17:37

The "you just wait until..." comments are pretty standard and I get them a lot from a lot of people, just ignore.

I really don't see anything wrong in what MIL is doing.

Also, understand that having babies 30-40 years ago may have been harder in a lot of ways, or she didn't have the freedom to discuss the challenges at the time, so she is opening up the conversation for you to be able to have a moan. I know I certainly have a lot more information and support than my mum ever did when she had me.

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 20/08/2024 17:32

StormingNorman · 17/08/2024 07:42

Are you the same poster who found it odd her MIL bought a heart shaped photo frame?

Definitely not

OP posts:
FeliciteFaff · 18/08/2024 12:16

You are a weird lady. I hope your MIL doesn’t get hurt by your strange antics.

Julimia · 18/08/2024 12:09

No problems there. Let it go and enjoy her intense interest it could be intense criticism!!

Ilovecleaning · 17/08/2024 13:22

Justcallmebebes · 17/08/2024 10:05

You sound as batshit as the OP

Show quote history

🤣. Agreed!

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 17/08/2024 12:18

BananagramBadger · 13/08/2024 09:59

I’m starting to see the overprotectiveness of new mum vs MIL as a similar phase to teenagers pushing parents away. It’s a reflex that’s totally normal but also a bit much. You need independence to make your own parenting choices, but you also need to understand that your reactions aren’t always as reasonable as you think. Sometimes people telling you it was hard for them is their way of connecting. It will be different sorts of hard for you.

I'm currently dealing with a teen and the random argumentativeness is objectively really interesting, But also really hard not to react to! I’m sure one day being a MIL will be similar.

Best post ever

Dingdong90 · 17/08/2024 11:28

She sounds like a completely normal grandparent who is happy to have a new grandchild and is willing to help out when given the chance. Your definitely looking into it way too much.

GCAcademic · 17/08/2024 11:03

She sounds like an absolute bitch. Fancy having the temerity to look happy in the presence of her granddaughter. So presumptuous! You need to give her an ultimatum: "look glum or we'll go no contact"

DaisyChain505 · 17/08/2024 10:59

This is a you problem.

Mischance · 17/08/2024 10:58

You are over-reacting - I do not even understand your second paragraph.

Just go with the flow ........

SaintHonoria · 17/08/2024 10:55

'Or last time DH was changing nappy - which is quite an achievement for new parent'

That has to be one of the strangest things I've read on here.

How is changing a nap any kind of achievement? Unless you're a simpleton.

SaintHonoria · 17/08/2024 10:54

What a lovely mother in law you have.

Why are you looking to find fault in everything she does?

You sound very spiteful and controlling.

Justcallmebebes · 17/08/2024 10:05

ttcat37 · 13/08/2024 10:04

Don't expect much support on Mumsnet about this - it’s full of interfering grandmothers who feel they have a claim to their grandchildren or that they have a right to be involved in any way they want.

I feel your pain though. It’s like they get a kick out of reminding you that you’ve got hard times to come. The glee on their faces when they say “just you wait until he’s walking/ teething/ terrible twos” like they can’t wait to see you suffer. It makes me want to say oh just fuck off will you? But we don’t do that do we, we smile sweetly and we take it in our stride and don’t give them the satisfaction.

You sound as batshit as the OP

saraclara · 17/08/2024 10:00

marshmallowfinder · 17/08/2024 09:57

This is mostly unintelligible. Is it written by AI maybe? Where is OP? It's all really weird.

Not everyone on this board has English as their first language.

marshmallowfinder · 17/08/2024 09:57

This is mostly unintelligible. Is it written by AI maybe? Where is OP? It's all really weird.

Ilovecleaning · 17/08/2024 09:53

Hard for you to understand her happiness? What the bloody hell are you talking about?

saraclara · 17/08/2024 09:45

I admit, I was never fussed about becoming a grandparent and was completely taken aback

Same here. Until my first DGD arrived, I used to internally roll my eyes a little at my friends' obsessions with their grandkids. I didn't get the fuss.

But the love comes from the gut and hits you like a steamroller, like ones love for ones own children.

I don't expect others to get it, because I didn't get it either. My MIL was a world class grandma and I loved her for it. But I was still a bit bewildered by it at the time. Now that she's gone and I'm experiencing the same, I would love to turn back time and have visited more often (she lived 2.5 hours away) so she could have indulged her love for them even more.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/08/2024 09:32

I can't see what she's done wrong. Of course she's excited, it's her grandchild. It would be sad if she wasn't.

AndyPandyismyhero · 17/08/2024 09:28

I am lucky enough to have two gorgeous dgcs. I can't begin to describe the absolute feeling of joy they bring. I admit, I was never fussed about becoming a grandparent and was completely taken aback when ds and Dil told us they were expecting dgc1. It was as though a bubble had suddenly burst inside me, a bubble that was full of so much love and happiness. The smile didn't leave my face for days. I didn't tell my colleagues straight away, but several of them guessed - funnily enough, they were also dgps. When dgc1 was born and we met them for the first time, we walked into the room and there was my baby, sitting in a chair holding his baby. The love for my ds had never been more and suddenly I was hit by a juggernaut - I couldn't believe much love I could feel for that tiny baby, being cradled in my ds's arms. It was like all the love for my own dcs and then multiplied by a factor of ten. I now have two dgcs and I can assure you, I have as much love and the excitement was just as pronounced for the youngest as for the oldest. I know that if any more dgc arrive, I will be as excited and have just as much love as I do for the two I already have. Thanks, both my wonderful dils treat us as members of the family, not an inconvenience who happens to be related to their dh.
I don't know why you feel as you do OP, but unless there is a massive backstory, be happy for you baby that they have a GP who loves them and wants to spend time with them. Sadly, my own dcs could tell you how it feels to have a GP who couldn't care less and who basically rejected any relationship with them.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/08/2024 07:45

Snacksgalore · 13/08/2024 09:17

I think you’re seeing problems that aren’t there.

Yes, I agree. Normal chit chat and conversation from a delighted grandma. Just remember your baby will have a baby one day and you might be in her position.

StormingNorman · 17/08/2024 07:42

Are you the same poster who found it odd her MIL bought a heart shaped photo frame?