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Original poster

MIL insisting DD comes to stay

106 replies

sleepoverrubbish · 13/08/2024 08:35

My MIL has been insisting that DD (aged 12) comes to stay with her for three or four nights.
When we visit we all go and we go as much as we can. We also have an open invite for her to see us literally whenever she likes.

Its not something I understand, even with my own mum who I love and trust completely, DD has only had a sleepover when I gave birth to DS. We just see my Mum altogether and it’s never come up.

I don’t really understand her obsession with it. She has form for getting into massive strops and it feels emotionally manipulative. I also think if she wants a stronger relationship with DD she could actually come visit and help me on a day out as I also have DS aged 10 months but she would never dream of actually being helpful. DD has also said they want their grandmother to visit and would rather they came up than she goes down as she wants to show them our area. She’s excited at the thought of sharing our local haunts with her. Whenever we mention this, grandmother just ignores or laughs.

How would you deal with this? We’ve invited her to visit several times, it’s not an issue with driving as she is happy to drive three hours to us to pick up DD and take her home so another 3 hours. Which I also think is ridiculous at her age. She is 85.

AIBU? I’m exhausted from MILs manipulation. When DS was born she went insane when I said we wanted some space for a week after recovering from a difficult birth. She isn’t helpful so only came to coo over the baby whilst I made her cups of tea and dinner.

Weve had a difficult relationship for years as we are very different people. My own mum is very caring and understanding thankfully and just doesn’t do this, I just don’t know how to handle her.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepoverrubbish · 13/08/2024 14:10

Thank you for all your replies

To answer some questions

We aren’t close as MIL is very cold. She often ignores DD when she’s upset and is really strict.

My biggest issues are her driving and DD being upset and not having anyone to turn to.

Agree with this being for show. Apparently there is a village party on at their local pub one of the days she wanted DD to visit so I think she just wants to show off that she’s looking after DD to her friends but doesn’t actually care about building a relationship with her or coming to visit us and enjoy the things DD likes to do

Had a chat with DH and he’s apologised for being aggressive. He’s got a lot on his plate with work too but it’s always MIL that sets us off with arguments.

Every time we go down to visit she has some sort of jibe. When I was breastfeeding DS at only 3 months she was asking ‘what am I doing’ and why aren’t I helping load the car as we were leaving etc. She barged into the room where I was feeding to relay this. So we argued about that on the way home.

DH has never backed me up or confronted her in all the years of our relationship, Im sure she talks badly of me to her friends. I met one of them and was met with a very frosty response.

OP posts:
cornydude · 13/08/2024 14:03

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 13/08/2024 13:34

Even if grandma is healthy and active, she is now at the age when she could, to put it bluntly, wake up dead one morning. I would not want to subject a child to that.

I love the term "wake up dead" 😵

gardenmusic · 13/08/2024 14:03

How would you deal with this? We’ve invited her to visit several times, it’s not an issue with driving as she is happy to drive three hours to us to pick up DD and take her home so another 3 hours. Which I also think is ridiculous at her age. She is 85.

Absolutely not, no way under any circumstances would I let an 85 year old drive my child for 3hours, never mind a 6 hour round trip.

Soontobe60 · 13/08/2024 13:46

Renamed · 13/08/2024 11:08

Why would you let your child stay alone with someone who can have huge tantrums?

Her DF is having a tantrum right now!

LookItsMeAgain · 13/08/2024 13:46

You reply with something along these lines:

“Hi MiL,
We have had a discussion around your regular requests for DD to stay over with you and we’ve decided that it’s best to leave it at the moment. DD has a lot going on, she has her own friendships and activities so isn’t available to stay with you. Unfortunately for you this is likely to carry on for some considerable time, so we’d appreciate it if you could please stop asking.”

Or something like that.

StormingNorman · 13/08/2024 13:44

It would be lovely for them to spend some quality time together. Just two caveats

Does your DD want to go?

Is your MIL still healthy and mobile to cope with DD alone?

LindorDoubleChoc · 13/08/2024 13:43

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 13/08/2024 13:34

Even if grandma is healthy and active, she is now at the age when she could, to put it bluntly, wake up dead one morning. I would not want to subject a child to that.

What? You wouldn't send a child to stay with a grand parent for a few days incase they die in the night?? Ffs, I've heard it all now.

HotandBigandSwollen · 13/08/2024 13:36

Does DD want to go? At 12, she gets to have a say.

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 13/08/2024 13:34

Even if grandma is healthy and active, she is now at the age when she could, to put it bluntly, wake up dead one morning. I would not want to subject a child to that.

StaunchMomma · 13/08/2024 13:15

I will add, I think it's mad how people are jumping on you a bit about you stopping DD having a relationship with her and it being 'sad' that she hasn't had sleepovers with family etc.

People need to understand that although they might have a supportive family, not all of us do!

I'm an only child, without close cousins and a Mum who is too ill to have my son. My MIL is 81 and lives 4 hours away. DS has one Aunt, who doesn't have kids and is off up a mountain every weekend (and fair play to her!).

Do I feel like he's missing out? Not at all. And none of his friends are staying over with family members often, either.

People are coming at this from their own, from the sounds of it pretty lucky (family wise) perspectives when their situation is totally different to OP's.

StaunchMomma · 13/08/2024 13:09

I'd brush it off with a 'She's reached that age where she just wants to be around their friends all the time, as 12 year olds do, don't they? Shall we book in a day out doing something with her, instead?'

It's unfair to pack her off when they're not even close, especially when it's for the MIL, not DD. Four days is quite a long time when she's not stayed there before.

I agree that this is probably what she's seeing her friends do with their GCs and she wants to look better in their eyes.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 13/08/2024 13:06

ViscountDreams · 13/08/2024 08:41

At 85, my dc wouldn't be getting in a car with her under any circumstances tbh.

This. What if she was suddenly ill or lost concentration. Her reactions at 85 won't be that fast either.

Noseybookworm · 13/08/2024 13:03

sleepoverrubbish · 13/08/2024 11:00

I’ve just talked to OH about it and he’s got aggressive and started throwing things around the room which is his usual reaction when we argue, so there is no help there whatsoever

Bigger problem than your MIL right there 🙄

BabygirlTom · 13/08/2024 13:01

polkadotclip · 13/08/2024 10:24

How can she insist!? I she not just inviting or asking?

It's a huge privilege to have grandparents that are alive and want to spend time with grandchildren. Why wouldn't you want your daughter to have this opportunity?

It's, sadly, unlikely that your younger child will get this chance. Why not let it happen for a couple of days?

Because the DD doesn't want to.

Tourmalines · 13/08/2024 12:48

JLou08 · 13/08/2024 12:05

Your clear dislike for her is probably why she doesn't want to spend the day with you but wants to drive 3 hours to have a relationship with her grandchild. Your DD likely picks up on your feelings for her which will make her anxious about going alone.
I had amazing relationships with my extended family and loved time alone with them, the bond develops differently with no parents around. It's a shame your children won't experience that.

This .

halava · 13/08/2024 12:15

Get DH to drive her to his mother's house. Get DH to pick her up from his mother's house. That would be non negotiable for me. He is happy for DD to go, so let him do the logistics. If he refuses to drive her there etc. then she doesn't go. You are both her parents and have an equal say.

This way, you are in no way preventing her from going, but you have your criteria which is reasonable I think.

Let DH deal with it.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/08/2024 12:06

Is it a generation thing ?- as my IL who had help with childcare have at times gone out there way not to help us.

Anyway we had loads of pressure - and gave in when eldest was nearer 5 and second one 4 due to some emotional pressure/situation - DH took them on the train. Next year youngest was potty trained and wanted to go. I didn't find it great and it's never been needed for childcare and IL do game playing - so I can't speak to the kids entire week - but they came to see it as a second holiday despite not being near a beach.

They still go a teens - get spoilt rotten - get taken on days out - to point DD 18 sorted going herself. Possibly easier for me though as IL don't drive and I know my own parents hated DGP driving us as their driving deteriorated.

I think at 12 with no history of going and her not wanting to try - asking Granny to yours for days out is probably a good compromise.

JLou08 · 13/08/2024 12:05

Your clear dislike for her is probably why she doesn't want to spend the day with you but wants to drive 3 hours to have a relationship with her grandchild. Your DD likely picks up on your feelings for her which will make her anxious about going alone.
I had amazing relationships with my extended family and loved time alone with them, the bond develops differently with no parents around. It's a shame your children won't experience that.

LoquaciousPineapple · 13/08/2024 12:00

All the people saying OP should facilitate this "but I understand about the driving", are you seriously suggesting OP should do two six hour round trips to drop her off and collect her?

heidi345 · 13/08/2024 11:54

“DD really prefers being at home. You are welcome to come to us”. Then laugh and ignore.
Your DH is a whole other issue.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/08/2024 11:52

@sleepoverrubbish sorry but at 12 years old you cannot even force them to spend time with a separated parent so you cannot do this. daughter doesnt want it anyway and that is what matters.

GodspeedJune · 13/08/2024 11:52

I had sleepovers as a child at friends, cousins and grandparents. I didn’t enjoy them at all and preferred to sleep at home. At least twice my DM had to come and collect me during the night. The OP knows her daughter best and she shouldn’t be forced to go.

I second the PPs message which said it’s the dominating grandparents who seem to want alone time with DGC.

Devon1987 · 13/08/2024 11:46

Send your DH to his mothers for a sleep over permanently, agressive behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated. He sounds like a sulky child who can’t stand up to mummy

BettyTagRolyHappy · 13/08/2024 11:46

What is it that makes you not want her to go (if you were to drive and drop her off - totally understand not wanting 85yo nan to drive)?

Would it not help you out to have her stay with her nan for a few days over the holidays?

I'd have thought it could be a nice visit for her at her age.

DadJoke · 13/08/2024 11:40

If you trust her enough to look after your daughter, she is OK with going, and you want three days to yourself, then you can enable the journey. Your DD might not get another chance to spend time alone with your MIL, and it will give here something to remember.