Page 2 | To be annoyed DH won't do more to avoid COVID to ensure IVF goes smoothly

PhillipaN · 2024-08-12T21:00:12+00:00

Just about to start our second round of IVF after taking a break for the summer and I'm terrified that I'm hearing about more and more cases of COVID: sister in law, friend, husband's friend, colleague etc. There's research to say it impacts sperm for 3-6mo and I just can't face delaying IVF and having to wait longer. Sadly DH loves his social life too much, says it's silly to shield and plans to go to a concert and a football match in the next couple of months.

Original poster

PhillipaN · 13/08/2024 12:48

beAsensible1 · 13/08/2024 10:54

I mean if you have another cild are they shielding also? because if they go to school/ nursery they can and do ring home all sorts.

Take a deep breath and talk to your consultant.

I think having a little moan about sacrifices is fine especially if he is still doing them. its a way to blow of steam rather than hold onto it and let disgruntled and stressful feeling build up.

I think you need to cut yourself and him some slack.

Our toddler doesn't go to nursery

OP posts:

Original poster

PhillipaN · 13/08/2024 12:46

BaronessBomburst · 13/08/2024 12:40

Does he actually want a second child, or is he indifferent and just going along with it for you?

He says he wants one. He appears to care about IVF in the sense of making sure he's available whenever needed, getting time off work and making up the hours at less convenient times for him (mainly to look after toddler whilst I've got appointments), he talks about wanting another child or how great a sibling would be (I know, I know, words vs actions). He's given up booze so that's something.

So I guess he does want another baby to some extent but perhaps not as desperate for one as me?

OP posts:

theemmadilemma · 13/08/2024 12:40

PhillipaN · 13/08/2024 08:10

@EricHebbornInItaly it's not like he's against giving things up. He's quit smoking and hasn't had a drink in 5mo. But whereas I do it quietly (I also gave up alcohol) ie I just order the non alcoholic drink without making a song and dance, he will make it out to be this BIG sacrifice he's doing. Or the other day ordered a salami pizza because he fancied it, why not just completely give up cold cuts?? Or he has to be reminded to eat more veg, sighs at it but in the end does eat it...

Jesus. What a life he gets to enjoy...

BaronessBomburst · 13/08/2024 12:40

Does he actually want a second child, or is he indifferent and just going along with it for you?

CoffeandTiaMaria · 13/08/2024 12:40

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/08/2024 10:25

I’m sorry because I know IVF is tough and may be affecting your sense of perspective but this is seriously controlling.

You can’t expect him to live like a monk because you’re going through IVF. In the kindest way possible you need to chill out about this and get help if you can’t.

No one is shielding these days.

Do you intend him to do everything you want until you get pregnant? Which could take several years?
I really think you’re being v v unreasonable.

Daffyyellow · 13/08/2024 12:32

IVF is stressful enough as it is, please don’t add restrictions. Live life.

CleanShirt · 13/08/2024 12:16

I thought I'd clicked onto a zombie thread from 2020 for a minute.

GoldieFurEverywhere · 13/08/2024 12:15

"Or the other day ordered a salami pizza because he fancied it, why not just completely give up cold cuts?? Or he has to be reminded to eat more veg,"

Jesus wept, OP. Read that back. Imagine a man saying that - you'd be given a million warnings for red flag behaviour.

Get a grip before you push him away

GoldieFurEverywhere · 13/08/2024 12:12

olpo · 13/08/2024 10:40

Imagine if a bloke was insisting his wife stopped socialising, stopped eating certain foods etc to ensure she got pregnant.

Yep!

HornyHornersPinger · 13/08/2024 10:56

PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:21

@HemelHan

and surely you are just as likely to catch Covid from Jill at the office as a rando at a concert?

I suppose my logic there is that say there's 100 people in the office in his proximity / on his floor / people who will come close to him. Let's say (numbers used just for explanations' sake, unlikely to be actual accurate probabilities) that 5% of people have Covid. That's 5 people with COVID around him who could in theory infect him.

Going to a concert with 5,000 people. 5% x 5,000 = 250. 250 people to infect him. And ok, they're not all going to come up to him but they're in the same building as him, queueing at the same bars etc. Seems a higher probability of catching it here.

I've recently had covid. And I have a very small circle of people in my life to have caught it from, certainly hadn't been to a concert with 5k people... Only reason I tested for covid when I felt ill was that my Mum's recovering from heart surgery, otherwise I'd have been none the wiser and it was like a mild cold for a few days. Covid isn't the same illness it was in 2020.
So I think you're worrying too much.

beAsensible1 · 13/08/2024 10:54

I mean if you have another cild are they shielding also? because if they go to school/ nursery they can and do ring home all sorts.

Take a deep breath and talk to your consultant.

I think having a little moan about sacrifices is fine especially if he is still doing them. its a way to blow of steam rather than hold onto it and let disgruntled and stressful feeling build up.

I think you need to cut yourself and him some slack.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/08/2024 10:42

“You can’t expect him to live like a monk because you’re going through IVF.“

this Op! Life is short and life is hard. Dont try to deprive him (or yourself) of all life’s pleasures or you’ll both be so miserable and it’ll put such a strain on your relationship.

olpo · 13/08/2024 10:40

Imagine if a bloke was insisting his wife stopped socialising, stopped eating certain foods etc to ensure she got pregnant.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/08/2024 10:40

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 13/08/2024 08:32

Honestly OP, I agree with you. There are lots of unknowns around covid and I wouldn’t want to be risking it at such a crucial time. (Nor for any medical procedure).
There’s so much bad science and understanding on the majority of mumsnet (and everywhere) about Covid and any pathogens in general) - probably because if people actually knew or accepted what it was doing to their bodies they’d have to accept their lifestyles aren’t healthy or moral.
And the majority think “living with” means ignoring and forgetting it’s existence rather than putting little mitigations in place so it’s actually not so bad so it can be lived with (and not died with). And to protect those who are still vulnerable to it in society.
Unfortunately as everyone says - everyone has moved on - and so instead we look forward to the morbidity of repeated infections.

@Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic

what kind of mitigations do you think people should be putting into place?

Corksoles · 13/08/2024 10:34

Toooldforlonghair · 13/08/2024 10:15

I am writing his in bed on day 3 of Covid. I am normally fit and healthy and can honestly say I have no idea where I picked up the infection. Not working ( am fortunate to have retired over a year ago at age 60) and no family member has had it (DH and DD have just done second test - negative). Ironically the most likely source of infection is the hospital where I hung around pretty much all day Monday waiting for DH.
Based on this OP I think you need to stop worrying about your husband's plans (easier said than done) and, as others have said, talk to your consultant for reassurance.

This is why my elderly dad wears good masks when he visits hospital.

I think it's a massive shame that we didn't adopt the socially-responsible approach of Japan and mask when we are ill ourselves. It's so considerate and sensible. Would have been one useful thing to get out of the horror of covid. Well, that and filtered air in busy places...

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2024 10:31

Yeah this sounds really controlling to me as well, you don't even want him to have salami on a pizza and no alcohol, no concerts or events. Does he want another child as much as you? Why not just enjoy the one you have, relax and have a happier time?

Cheesecakecookie · 13/08/2024 10:30

Let me get this straight - you police his eating and drinking and now want to police his social life too ?

He sounds like he is already being very patient with you.

It’s obviously important to you but you are risking the bigger picture here by trying to control another person to this extent.

MotherOfShihTzus · 13/08/2024 10:30

I just wanted to say OP, PPs who haven't been through IVF cannot possibly imagine how all consuming it is, and, when so much is out of your control, you look to what you can try to control. Also, when you're spending so much, why risk poorer outcomes for what are seemingly simple things to avoid? I get it. Also with IVF, so much of the pain, process falls on the woman, I think the men could try and do their little bit.

You are not abusive, you are desperate for success and doing everything you can yourself, so expecting a similar level of commitment.

I'm £20k down on IVF this year alone, and about to embark on another retrieval. I also had my first IVF pregnancy during covid, and we shielded as much as possible x

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/08/2024 10:25

I’m sorry because I know IVF is tough and may be affecting your sense of perspective but this is seriously controlling.

You can’t expect him to live like a monk because you’re going through IVF. In the kindest way possible you need to chill out about this and get help if you can’t.

No one is shielding these days.

CortieTat · 13/08/2024 10:22

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 13/08/2024 09:37

Ask him if he’d prefer using donated sperm so he can relax about Covid and salami.

I think I’d be like you, OP. It feels like one person is making every effort, the other isn’t. And it’s a 25k investment.

Realistically one salami pizza won’t be the deciding factor, but I can see how you’d feel risking Covid, and a poor diet together might- and it’s pepperoni pizza tonight, salami sandwich tomorrow…

Is poor quality sperm an issue for IVF? I don’t know anything about it and assumed fertilising the egg was the easy bit.

Yes, I get it as well. I’m happy that DH got on board when we decided to TTC number 3 against the age odds. But in this game perfection is a unicorn, it’s not achievable. It’s enough to be on the perfect fertility diet and take care of your overall health 80% of the time.

Both egg and sperm quality are important for IVF but it usually takes a complete overhaul of one’s lifestyle to see significant improvements against things like age or autoimmune conditions. Sperm quality is both easy to monitor and easier to improve compared to creating the best conditions for pregnancy and carrying to term.

Toooldforlonghair · 13/08/2024 10:15

I am writing his in bed on day 3 of Covid. I am normally fit and healthy and can honestly say I have no idea where I picked up the infection. Not working ( am fortunate to have retired over a year ago at age 60) and no family member has had it (DH and DD have just done second test - negative). Ironically the most likely source of infection is the hospital where I hung around pretty much all day Monday waiting for DH.
Based on this OP I think you need to stop worrying about your husband's plans (easier said than done) and, as others have said, talk to your consultant for reassurance.

Didimum · 13/08/2024 10:15

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/08/2024 10:10

I can see alcohol and smoking, but the expectation of showing up should not entitle someone to dictate their partner's social life and what they eat for dinner. It's controlling and MN is only supporting it because it's a woman doing it.

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She shouldn't feel as if she has to control it. He should be doing it anyway – he should be making whatever minor and temporary changes he can to his lifestyle that enable making a very challenging period of time in their relationship and her medical journey that she's undertaking for them both more tolerable and comfortable. By neglecting to fully join the journey with her, he is sending the message that the hardship is per problem and her burden to bear.

I'd not 'controlling' to ask, be told no and to be upset by it and wonder if it's unreasonable.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/08/2024 10:10

Didimum · 13/08/2024 10:05

There's a difference between dictating and expecting your partner to show up for you during a substantially difficult period.

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I can see alcohol and smoking, but the expectation of showing up should not entitle someone to dictate their partner's social life and what they eat for dinner. It's controlling and MN is only supporting it because it's a woman doing it.

DaisyChain505 · 13/08/2024 10:08

YABU. unless you’re willing to go and live in a cave and never leave or see anyone, you can’t avoid the risks of covid.

Your husband will start to resent you if you continue to be so unrealistic, controlling and demanding.

TinkerTiger · 13/08/2024 10:08

PhillipaN · 12/08/2024 22:24

@Apolloneuro thing is, even if an IVF consultant said it, he wouldn't do it. To him that social life isn't worth giving up (I was pregnant in the middle of the pandemic so had to shield and he HATED it, so never doing again)

...and you're having another with him?