Neighbours Autistic daughter

I am saying this very delicately and with the full knowledge that I may be devoured for saying it, but I wonder if a suitable place was available if a specialised care setting for the child would be in the best interests of everyone concerned.

Maybe there are no places, maybe mother doesn't want that. But sometimes needs must, and the child's best interests come first I think.

OK, off you go with the backlash.

I have a child who sounds very similar to the daughter in your post @Ashellwithin and I really worry about my neighbours.
It is so difficult because we have to live somewhere but equally my lovely neighbours don't deserve to hear my dc losing his shit.

In a perfect world those of us caring for people with disabilities that can disrupt others through sheer noise would have some options for housing that won't distress neighbours, however its never going to happen. There's barely money for homes, let alone purpose built soundproofed ones for people like your neighbour and her dd.

My dc is a big lad now and I still rock him like a baby, sometimes for hours to keep him from screaming when he's in meltdown mode. He'll be trying to bite me or pull my hair etc but to stop him disturbing the neighbours I just have to persevere and rock him and we sing his favourite nursery rhyme on a loop until he stops attacking me.
I admit I'm worried about his noise levels as he gets older.

I mean, bloody hell. Do some people think that parent carers are magically immune to the noise and stress of a meltdown?

Oh for heaven's sake.

If there were such solutions, the OP's neighbour would have already employed them, for her own sake.

The OP is certainly suffering; however her neighbour will be suffering more.

I have an autistic daughter and thankfully she wasn't as disabled as indicated in this case and we lived in a detached house so only we could hear her meltdowns

Op I think the neighbour is probably doing everything they can in the situation. Nobody is walking the streets at midnight with their teenager for their health.

I'm sure she's avoiding the mediation because she's upset and embarrassed. She doesn't control her daughter's meltdowns and she has probably struggled a lot for a long time with this.

I think the best thing to do is to move if possible. There's not much else you can do I'm afraid. Noise cancelling headphones,good ear plugs or a white noise machine might help a bit. I do feel for you, I had student neighbours in the past one one girl was a fucking moron. She was an absolute dizzy cow and would get drunk then literally bang pots and pans like drums and laughed like a brayng donkey. Had to go round at 3am and basically kick her front door in then threaten to shove the wooden spoon up her arse. I literally snapped lol

I feel for both you and your neighbour. She will be extremely stressed and it’s difficult to truly grasp what it’s like to be an unpaid 24/7 carer. This is her life non-stop. There’s also nothing she can do, nothing that she could be doing better or is/isn’t doing. Most parents in these situations have exhausted every option, strategy etc etc

But I do sympathise with your situation too. It’s a tough one.

In all honesty the best scenario would be that they recommend that you start bidding on alternative properties but then you may get far worse neighbours. It's council housing so there could be people with all kinds of problems quite frankly, it's hard to qualify these days. Longer term a house or bungalow would be better for your neighbour but she's as stuck as you are.

Oh behave yourself will you. As the mother of a child on the autistic spectrum (he died aged 22 in an accident before anyone decides to search my posts and come to the conclusion I'm talking shit) he was a bloody nightmare growing up and I wouldn't expect my neighbours to shut up and put up just because my poor son couldn't help it. He couldn't help his meltdowns no but you can't go around calling someone an "ignoramus" just because they are also completely fed up with it.

It's like put up or shut up mentality on here! What about the neighbours rights and mental health? Or does that not matter!

Well what do you think she should do? We had this exact situation and we moved, it cost money, but that is life, if you aren't happy that is what you do, it sounds like from her posts she is hoping to move, so if she feels this way she should put energy into this.
And really, the situation is what it is - neighbours are often a pain in the butt, if I was her and I have been on both sides of this, I would invest in some good ear protection or move

This

There wouldn't be enough council houses rurally to be able to house the likely thousands of families living in similar situations the the one in the OP. Parents of disabled children are often already isolated due to being unable to work or socialise, if they have any family in London then they won't want to leave and the council can't legally force them to.

You can have compassion for a neighbour and be driven absolutely insane by noise. At no point has the OP said she is judging anyone’s parenting. She just wants to live her life without constant disturbance.

Of course it’s awful for the neighbour, but it’s her child. It’s not the OP’s. She isn’t under any obligation to put up with this disturbance.

It’s pretty obvious that an upstairs flat is simply not an appropriate living situation for the neighbour and her daughter.

As the Mum of an autistic young person who has spent the last decade on tender hooks everytime my child had a meltdown I can assure you the Mum is more stressed than you are about it if she is like me.

I spent my life worrying about eviction because of my child's disability. Something we couldn't changed. There is no way they will evict the autistic child and Mum. There will be a huge complaint if they did and disability is legally protected.
They may offer the Mum to move away from you or you can get a medical note to tell housing that the noise is distressing you.

Hello, I'm the mother of an autistic child, can you please tell me more about the medication that is available to prevent meltdowns in my child? I'd like to know the names, the family group that the medications belong to, the benefits and the side effects and what ages this is appropriate for please?

Also I'd love to hear more about these preventative methods that will prevent meltdowns in children with a sensory and emotional developmental disability? Id love my child to be less emotionally disabled and I have been blaming myself lately for not preventing his disability from disabling him and causing an inconvenience to others.

I'm a bit teary at some of the responses here, being so understanding of the OP's neighbour and the level of stress she is likely under, trying to manage her daughter's meltdowns. It's such a relief to know that there are people who get it, and who see the crazy lengths which parents of children with needs like the OP's neighbour's daughter will go to to keep the peace and regulate their DC. To many of us, it's just the water in which we swim, day in and day out, relentlessly ‐frequently judged, ducking and diving and jumping through all manner of hoops just to put one foot in front of the other with our DC. Exhausting.
And as a PP said, it can be simultaneously true that it is also really exhausting for the OP, and that the situation is increasingly untenable.
I very much hope you manage to reach a mutually workable solution.

I have a child with complex special needs and the OP has a right to live in a home without constant disruptive noise.

What if the OP had autism?

How do you expect to solve the matter? I am rather confused as to what you think can be done. You come across quite entitled. This is a child with a severe disability by the sounds of it. If you can’t handle other peoples noise don’t rent. Assuming you can’t help but rent just like the girl can’t help her disability.

Some are saying OP needs to move (why should she and the next people most likely will have similar issues) or she needs to suck it up (again why should she and most likely other neighbours are sick of it). OP is paying to live where she lives, she is not living there for free courtesy of Camden council, Southwark council or a housing association in London. Such is life comes across as one of those things that need to be sucked up. OP doesn’t appear to want to and neither would l. It always costs money to move, where she lives might be convenient for friends / family / work etc. Plus she’s had years of this

That’s truly awful, op, I feel for you. As someone with sound sensitivity. I know what it feels like to be completely frayed and worn down by noise.
try Loops earplugs. They’ve made such a difference in my life and mental health.

other posters trying to pour on the guilt trips just make me roll my eyes. We GET TO protect our peace. It’s essential to health.
we don’t need to endure something awful just because “oh the poor mother. Oh she can’t help the disability”. Those things are true, but are people implying OP needs to suffer because of it?

fuck no. Protect your peace.

Treated like what? Isn't OP entitled to try and have some peace in their own home, no? Comments like yours are just pathetic.

I feel for you and of course I feel for the mother of this disruptive child.

Meltdowns are hell to listen to and deal with, but there is medication that can calm those with autism and, these days, lots of preventative methods. I wonder if the mother has resorted to any of these.....

It there any way you could insulate your house against this to soften the noise? Another thing - you say your neighbour always has 'something going on'. That sounds strange. Has she ever spoken to you about this problem? If not, I feel she should.

They definitely won't suggest sound proofing. And as you rightly surmise, it's hit and miss.

You have my sympathies for what you're going through. Mumsnet is not the place to post about noise nuisance. As you can see, most are totally clueless.

In the interim you could try some ear plugs. I used to use Quies wax ones. You can actually mould two together to double up (so two plugs in each ear) and they work incredibly well like that. Best of luck.

Yeah, I thought that after I’d posted.

I think perhaps the mum and daughter should be rehoused, but it should be done with sensitivity, not people complaining and stressing her even more.