Neighbours Autistic daughter

@SilverDoe yeah even the little shout through the wall I didn't see as a problem. It wasn't screaming and shouting at the child, it wasn't described like that anyway. But yeah the mask has slipped now, and it's not a nice sight.

I understand. I see how you interpreted the OP; as someone who is suffering this I could pick up on the tone straight away, especially when she mentioned the shouting; people always minimise their own behaviour in these situations unfortunately, but people who have seen this play out or been in this situation can clock those things that go unsaid and then eventually, as you've seen, the mask does slip!

@Flopsythebunny I hope your neighbours get the help and support they deserve. I hope you have carried something with you from this thread and will change your behaviour.

@SilverDoe to be honest I've been in favour of the OP all the way through the thread, and I have a child with ADHD who goes through this so I understand. However, I have only just seen the last comment from OP where she basically says she doesn't give a fuck about the Mum. Until then, I dont think the OP had been nasty like you say. She sounded like someone at the end of their tether and wondering how this situation can be resolved. But yeah, that one liner of how she doesn't care about how the Mum feels, she's lost my support now anyway. Long may the noise continue.

I do get upset too with the attitude that the OP should not have to do anything at all to mitigate the impact on herself.

If you live in a block of flats especially, or live anywhere near other people generally, you do have to accept that you will likely hear the sound of other people living their lives.

A right to reasonable enjoyment of your home sets out what you can reasonably do. It doesn't mandate what others have to give you or offer you, unless you are into the territory of actual ASB.

Sorry, I did forget to mention that the reason my anxiety has become an acute issue, is because when you are dealing with a meltdown, the absolutely last thing you need, which makes things a thousand times worse, is somebody banging and shouting at you and your child.

My poor son is only 6 years old. He has displayed such sad and upsetting behaviours, had terrible violent meltdowns that he never had before, and it is directly caused and worsened by the anxiety caused by our neighbour banging on the walls and screaming and shouting at him when he is already upset. Antagonising a child who is already suffering, who has ND, and the poor parent who is now left pulled in 2 impossibly different directions, it is just so unfair.

By all means keep pushing with the council and other agencies, but OP needs to be aware how damaging her retaliatory behaviour is. It's not like these are a bunch of teenagers having a loud party. It's a disabled child already struggling to manage.

If my neighbour had instead directed her animosity and channelled it into just constantly complaining, I would have been able to use that information to support our case that our housing was unsuitable for a family of 5 with an ND child.

As it stands, my mental health is on the floor, she is putting herself at very real risk of being evicted herself for behaving like an unhinged stalker and harasser, and I now have no empathy whatsoever for her so will not put myself out so much to mitigate. I know you're nowhere near as bad is my neighbour who is horrible and already known to the police for this kind of behaviour, but still, just a warning that if you do react in such an unkind manner, you can't expect to have any understanding and empathy reciprocated by the mother in this situation.

So op your neighbours were patient kind and giving when you normal child was just being a shitty teenager? But now your through it, all okay. Forget it? Ermmm double fucking standards much.
And these neighbours have seemingly as you've said been patient kind and give g towards this lady and her child. For over a decade.
Deal with it. Like she is(isnt) like ypur other neighbours are. And maybe with a slight more empathy and awareness. And a smidgen less hypocritical thinking.nor doesn't that not count because she is Nd. And her meltdowns her more bothersome,rant like, disgusting because of that?
Anything you are feeling is zero on the scale of what this woman is. And from what you've described this mum has done this,on her own, fleeing an abusive ex for 12 years. It's worsening. My god she deserves a medal. Onto of that she has been put the house theoguh shame to give ypu all a break at midnight.
Trust me. People with Nd or mentally ill children are ALWAYS aware. And always carry that shame. Guilt. Weight.
But there is literally nothing she can do.
And no, not as a previous ignorant poster said of methods and pills. Haha. Or another poster who wants all nd or ill kids to be sent to the chambers, asylums uhum fields in the country? Because that way they won't disturb
My god are you all okay!?
Yes I have soooo much sympathy. Of course
But the two can go together but then zero sympathy for the antagonistic and misery you are now reaping on her.
The possible letter or fear of being evicted. Tenant talks and paranoid over who's saying what.
What is ypur end goal. For her to move.
What if your next neighbour is a drug addivt. Or young adults partying til dawn.
Would you find it so easy to swave a torrent of complaint and ignorant comments at them. Ir would that be somehow acceptable because it's not tantrums?
And all those people saying I'm on ops side and IIIIII have an asd child 🙄 ugh. Poor child.

She literally can't do anything else.
And if she could go somewhere( as you've said impossible place in London where you live) then I'm sure she would've thought of that long before you did.
And please stop bating her child. It's jot fair.
This girl might get worse. Or live like this forever. With her mum doing everything under the sun to aid and care and love her. Give her a break. Get some ear defenders. Be angry. Swear under ypur breathe. Be irrate and tired. It's nothing. Not even on the scale of what those two are fighting daily todwther.

And nooooooo this doesn't mean I have nonsympathy for the dead weight ypu feel whe tired. But that doesn't excuse this.

The distressed disabled child is repeatedly othered in this thread. The whole thread is about the OP and the mother with the child being some big nuance to all despite the fact that the teenager her sounds very distressed with likely trauma from her absent abusive dad, probably suicidal judging by the people with lanyards being out. There is a child at the centre of this who should be prioritised because this is this teenagers formative years and how this is handled could define her life. (Not downplaying how traumatic what the mum is experiencing is just that I have noticed this whole thread is about OP and the Mum with people actively talking about how the teenager should be removed and shoved in a home away from their family because she is inconveniencing neighbours)

Has the OP even tried the noise canceling headphones suggestion as I have read the replies and can't see where she says she has tried that and it hasn't helped?

This. The OP I actively antagonising a distressed disabled teenager and a parent who is likely already massively struggling to cope with something significantly worse then having to put up with some noise . The OP does not come across well in this thread

It doesn't, however when the op is actively making the situation worse by screaming at a disabled child when their having a meltdown, has admitted that she has had many quiet years from her neighbours yet her own NT teenage son was an antisocial noisy nuisance at age 16 and has no shame in saying that she wants a disabled child to be evicted because of her disability and been quite nasty about it too, it's really not surprising that the op is getting very little sympathy and the amount of push back she's getting should be expected.

@SilverDoe like I've repeatedly said, I get it. I have a child with ADHD and it woukd be 5 million times worse for me if I lived in a flat. Because not only would I be dealing with what I already do, I'd also now have the added worry of the flat occupants. Just so many people on this thread are having a dig at the OP saying she should be more understanding. The point I'm making is why does that only work one way?

I just want to say to all the posters saying about the mother and rehousing and "what about OPs mental health", that I am now in a situation of living in an above floor flat with children including one with suspected ADHD, and I can tell you that the impact on that mother's MY and wellbeing will be worst of all.

My mental health is on the floor. Several agencies have provided evidence that the situation is untenable for me and my children, I am pushing and pushing the council, begging for help, but it is still much more likely than not that they will not help me. The irony is we were moved here for safety because our previous lovely little home was overtaken by drug and gang activity by the adjoining flat.

Our situation is a bit different as our downstairs neighbour has been a nasty, miserable, vile person from day one.

That mum in the flat will be acutely affected by her living situation and the immense amount of extra pressure and tension caused by having a noisy child in an upper floor flat. But at the end of the day, her priority has to be her child and trying to parent her properly has to come above everything else. That doesn't mean she isn't doing as much as she can to mitigate; I'm that mum who is dragging her son around in a wagon until after everyone else's bedtime to be as quiet as possible. I know intimately how awful this life is and I would give anything to be moved elsewhere.

To all the people saying that the council/HA should just move them, you clearly haven't got a clue about how difficult it is.
My ds (asd, adhd and other issues) and I are in a 3 bed house and have been on the waiting list to be moved into a suitable 2 bed house or bungalow since my dd move out to uni 5 YEARS AGO!! My council has made it abundantly clear that they need the 3 bed back and we are more than happy to move however they have NO suitable 2 bed homes available and they won't until they build some (their statement) and have no plans to do so for another 4 years (though we will get 1st refusal as ds will never be able to live independently) so we are stuck here. This is not London but a council in Scotland with much shorter waiting lists than London and very few flats but even they don't have enough of the right properties. Oh and before anyone asks yes I've been trying to get a swap but noone who has a suitable 2 bed house or bungalow wants a 3 bed, its a lovely well maintained place with a huge well kept garden that gets lots of interest just not from anyone with a suitable property for us (the council won't let us move to anything other than a house or bungalow, they even blocked a move to a ground floor flat).

Just saying that the council/HA should move them is like a bad joke, I'm sure the mum has been trying to move for years.

Maybe the mother is mortified. Maybe she is pushing to get housed elsewhere but is getting nowhere. We don't know!

If the council could/would give the mother and child a nice detached house with ample space that would be amazing. However when you read stories of disabled people who have to do their stuff on a COMMODE in their BEDROOM, because the council have stuck them somewhere where they physically can't get to the toilet, there is little hope that they will find a family somewhere else, because the child's disability means that they can't help inconveniencing the neighbours. Practically, unless the parents have the money to move privately, which presumably they don't, they are stuck where the council puts them. There is not a practical way of changing where the family lives or how the child behaves, bar something random like the family winning the lottery. It sucks for all involved, but it's reality.

Agree. Support her in trying to convince the Council that they need to be housing her in accommodation more suitable for the condition as a reasonable adjustment

Fully agree with you. However, this situation is also totally unfair on OP.

They live in London in social housing, which is few and far between ,yes it would be great if everybody, s housing was suitable but we don't live in an ideal world
As you should be aware the autism spectrum is huge and some people on it will have no control over their actions and how they impact others.

So do I. But do you live in a flat where its intense for the neighbours? The family shouldn't live there, this is what the mother should be pushing for so they can be housed elsewhere. I have an autistic child, I go through all of this. I'd be mortified living in a flat knowing it was so disturbing to everyone around us.

You hope they get evicted because the child has a disability, really? You know that there is no off button here. Have you thought how hard it must be for the mum. I do understand that it is stressful but that is life. If you live in a block if flats, chances are that, shock, horror, some neighbours may have disabilities.

If you don't wanna live near people with extra needs that may impact you, move into a house in the stick of the woods. Problem sorted.

Exactly op lacks empathy, this is the issue.

OP, it was fine when your child was screaming and arguing and luckily no one complained. Your child can control their noise at their big age of 16. This poor girl can't - you should do well to remember that. Did you walk the streets with your son at midnight to calm him down and make sure your neighbours weren't disturbed? Didn't think so.

I hope you don't get moved, and they move the mother and daughter to a lovely detached home away from judgy, horrible people like you. And you get new neighbours that 10x worse, making noise just for the sake of it - a bit like your child. Then you will get what a noise disturbance really is. I hope you come to realise not everything is handed to you in a plate.

People like you and others on here making excuses for you, and the situation that you have PURPOSELY put the mother through to get a new council place, is the main reason I have worked my arse off for the last few years, to buy a house so no one can complain about my autistic child and their noise.

You should've saved in the 12 years you have 'had to put up with it' instead of relying on the council to house you and then moan and complain about the neighbours autistic child making noise 1 which she cannot control. Vile. You have gone about it the wrong way.

or - I dunno - a camp, somewhere? Out of sight, out of mind, eh?

Grumpy12345 people like you, manifesting massive lack of understanding, empathy and decency, and showing ignorance of the social care disaster in this country now, are one of the things that keep me up at night (along with my son, on occasion). When I and my husband die, if people with attitudes like yours are in charge of people like my son, I am frankly terrified for him and other adults and children with severe autism and/or LDs.

" But I frankly do not care what the mother is going through (though I am sympathetic)."
Not quite sure how you can't care and be sympathetic at the same time OP.🤔

the council need to move the woman and her daughter somewhere more suitable. A ground floor flat, or better, a house so she disturbs fewer people.
failing that noise insulation for OPs flat.

There is no way anyone would be ok living next door to this situation year after year

I agree, but that's why you've got to look at what realistically can be done.

That is that the OP can make adjustments within her own home and life which are things she can control or she can start the moving process. The OP cannot control what the other family do, and she can't make the council move this family on into other suitable accommodation as the simple truth is there is not anywhere suitable and the council will not evict a disabled person for being disabled.

It's no good saying it's not fair why should the OP move when the answer to that is that she's responsible for her own happiness and if she can't curate that where she is, she needs to move. While ever she's in the social housing trap she is not going to be able to choose her neighbours or accomodation because there's not enough to go around.

If private renting isn't an option then the only option left is personal sensory aids like earplugs and white noise machines which OP can do anyway in the meantime to protect her own mental fortitude.

The OP also has my empathy here. I cannot function or rest with ongoing noise from neighbours. There is no doubt this is extremely challenging for the mum of the daughter but the OP should not be attacked for trying to improve her own quality of life after living through some challenging times. I cant answer the OP questions but Id encourage speaking to the mum - does she want moved/need support from neighbour re evidence/impact. All the best - I could not live with the noise.