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AIBU?

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Original poster

Strong sister in law interfering again

38 replies

Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 20:14

Sil is a very strong character, I’ve been with Dh since I was a teen and felt intimidated by her back then, I don’t anymore, but still try to avoid contact etc, I’m always friendly and civil.
We live abroad and have done for years & years, so luckily I don’t have to encounter her too often. However, when she comes to visit, she always gives me the Spanish Inquisition about if we’d ever return to the U.K., it’s not just pleasant conversation, she’s very intense and a dominant person. She always brings up how much Dd (6) would love living there and how much she misses her, she says Dd has the accent of where were originally from and so on,
Dh recently went back to visit his family and he’s come back with all these plans about wanting to live there, how much more money he can make, how much friendly the people are. We’ve discussed moving back on and off over the years, but for me it would never be to where we came from, but where my family live now (very similar lifestyle-outdoors, beaches, surf, sports etc) It would be of no benefit for Dd to live where I grew up as she’s been completely spoilt with such an amazing outdoors lifestyle, where were originally from there’s no beach, it can be dangerous, it’s depressing and just somewhere there’s no way I’d want to go back to.
He started saying how he’d be closer to his family and how his sister was saying how amazing it would be and to go near my family would be too far away etc. We hadn’t even talked about moving back recently and now all these plans. I said to Dh it’s about what would be best for Dd and how could she go from such an amazing upbringing to that
She’s fed him a load of stuff as usual and it’s causing issues between us now
What would you do?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Dogneverstopseating · 13/08/2024 00:20

@Amybelle88 Do you really think it’s jealousy?

OP posts:
Amybelle88 · 13/08/2024 00:02

She's probably jealous truth be told.

Sorry DH, we are happy - you feel free to move back, I'm not uprooting DD for a lifestyle that is less than what she has now.

Cheerio.

Original poster
Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 23:49

@DenimSnails V creepy and ego driven and I suspect…deliberate to exclude me a bit too
Yes, I wouldn’t mention her to Dh, but as soon as he started saying it, I knew

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 23:47

@stormstormystormstorm Yes, the same here, although my parents miss us, they see the difference in our lives and how much safer and healthier it is for Dd, whereas Dh’s side don’t seem to think this way and it’s just about how they feel. His parents had never been abroad ever and probably saw me as the one who took Dh away too.
Just feeling a bit panicky, especially with the news at the moment and all the stabbings and riots, it’s not a place I want to go back to at the moment

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DenimSnails · 12/08/2024 23:46

@Dogneverstopseating wow - the whole 'dd looks like me as a baby' is kind of creepy tbh! She is part of their family but that's all a bit much really.

Still, I'd probably try to keep weirdo SIL out of it when giving your DH your reasons for not moving home. Keep it as a 'this is what's best for us/DD'. I grew up abroad for much of my childhood - also had relatives who didn't think I was having a 'proper childhood' outside of their home countries, but we had a brilliant lifestyle - they just couldn't understand not living at 'home'.

Also highlight to him that the economy is shit, the NHS is massively overstretched, schools insanely underfunded, and very few careers are making the big bucks right now!

stormstormystormstorm · 12/08/2024 23:43

Whoops pressed send too soon.
Could she be jealous?
Sounds to me like SIL is comparing her lifestyle with her brother. She could even want you back home so that she doesn't feel bad about her life choices. It can't be that bad if her brother has brought his family back so that the family can all be together again....

stormstormystormstorm · 12/08/2024 23:41

We left the UK several decades ago. Whenever we go back to the North East, there is always this feeling of guilt. Our parents are aging. Our friends DC don't know who we are. Our DN's know who we are but we don't know much about them, in terms of day to day life. And we always have a little
mooch when we return.

It does fade though, usually after a few weeks, and we know that we are right to live where we live at this moment in time. Our DC are bilingual, we have excellent lifestyles and weather. They have great prospects ahead of them. We love our life. I just wish we had either a direct airline route so we could visit regularly or even better, a private jet to pop over and see our loved ones. Luckily, my family put zero pressure on us, in fact DF tells us as much as they miss us, that it's much better that his DGC are over here, making the most of the opportunities that we give them. PIL don't do abroad, and refer to me as the one who took their DS away from them, but they also don't interact much with our DC beyond birthdays and Christmas, so it's not much of a bother. Some might say that the distance could even be considered a bonus perhaps...
DH would like to retire back there. I am not sure I can stand the damp and cold anymore, but I am willing to buy a static caravan and go over for a month at a time...

Original poster
Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 23:34

*About

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 23:33

@DenimSnails Really weird, its comments like this all the time, to imply she’s one of them and his family, also the same as the comments scoot how Dd looks like Dh and acts like them and even that she and Dd looked like twins as babies (they didn’t!) I’m not included in any of this. This is all in front of me, so I can only imagine how thick she laid it on when he was alone over there

OP posts:
DenimSnails · 12/08/2024 23:22

Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 23:15

@DenimSnails Sil thinks she has a strong Northern accent (she doesn’t) and always plays on this and says she belongs over there

That's so weird of SIL! Maybe DD has a slight northern accent if she only speaks English to you and your DH (presumably if you have northern accents) - but that's no reason to move back to where you are from. What a strange rationale

WineIsMyMainVice · 12/08/2024 23:21

cheddercherry · 12/08/2024 20:29

I can’t see how he’d be earning more here as we have the highest income tax of any EU country and are often well below European wages in many sectors just to ground him back with a bump.
If you’re 100% not for moving then don’t enter into an argument calmly go, collect the facts and present them back to him.

Fight fire with facts.

show him our job market - show him what you’d bring in here vs where you are
break down your monthly budget where you are vs bills back here
list your daughters activities and what’s available in his sisters town
compare the schools
compare the standard of living, the cost of socialising, wrap around care etc

Keep it informative not emotional about why it’s simply not the best for your family.

This is very good advice.

Original poster
Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 23:15

@DenimSnails Sil thinks she has a strong Northern accent (she doesn’t) and always plays on this and says she belongs over there

OP posts:
Flammekuche · 12/08/2024 23:14

ThatTealViewer · 12/08/2024 21:26

Unless your SIL is some manner of hypnotist, the issue is your DH.

Indeed! 😀😀

Maddy70 · 12/08/2024 23:02

Just dismiss it every time

Its not on pur plan

All our decisions are joint

Im.sure you miss your brother but its definitely not in our plans

And change the subject

Or...

Say ffs will you stop asking..its not happening and you go on about it every time.

Please stop.

DenimSnails · 12/08/2024 22:57

If you want to stay where you are express that. Don't bring the domineering sister into it.

Also sorry I know this is not the point but what does DDs accent have to do with anything? 🤔

Noseybookworm · 12/08/2024 22:48

I would make it clear that you're not moving back and that you and DD are very happy where you are. I'd also tell him that you find his sister overbearing, intrusive and bossy and you won't be living near her - ever.

GrumpyPanda · 12/08/2024 22:48

StamppotAndGravy · 12/08/2024 21:56

Really not wrong. UK taxes are insanely high when you include student loans and lack of support for middle earners, plus you have to pay for any sort of decent health care and dentistry, and childcare is extortionate

Show quote history

According to the OECD annual Tax Wedge Statistics the highest combined tax and social contributions burden is on Belgium and Germany. The UK doesn't even come close.

Scottishskifun · 12/08/2024 22:29

Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 20:28

@Scottishskifun The thing is, he’s never said this or wanted to live back there, I know how influential she is, so I know this will be all her

It doesn't matter if she is an ear worm in your DHs ear it's him saying it and it's your and DH lives that it effects. Your SIL can't force anything if you have no desire to move then nip it in the bud but be clear on your boundaries.

cheddercherry · 12/08/2024 22:15

witheringrowan · 12/08/2024 20:47

I can’t see how he’d be earning more here as we have the highest income tax of any EU country

This is just completely wrong, don't spout nonsense just to make a point.

OP, I think you are being far too quick to dismiss what he's saying because you don't like his sister. It makes sense that someone would come back from seeing their extended family and think that it would be nice to live closer to them, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's saying it because of pressure from her.

You seem to value a particular lifestyle, he seems to be at the stage where he wants to be more closely tied to his roots - neither of you are right or wrong, but you need to have rational conversations about what you want for your family without blaming other people.

Yeah if you’re being pedantic then we rank 4th for higher income tax but as the person down thread has also commented when you include our student loans, childcare, pensions, community resources and facilities etc we rank way way behind quality of life/ education and healthcare vs. Taxes paid.

Bellsandthistle · 12/08/2024 22:14

So don’t move there. It’s not down to her in any way. You clearly do not like her and that’s your prerogative but the issue you aren’t wanting to address is to do with your husband and his attachment to his family. Wanting to be near family is hardly unusual and you need to address it sensitively.

Original poster
Dogneverstopseating · 12/08/2024 21:59

@Bellsandthistle But at the detriment of what’s best for us and Dd? That’s selfish. She’s admitted before that it’s an amazing life for Dd and she wishes she’d done it when younger. There’s sod all to do where she is, they barely do anything and are all miserable, I’m not going to live there

OP posts:
StamppotAndGravy · 12/08/2024 21:56

witheringrowan · 12/08/2024 20:47

I can’t see how he’d be earning more here as we have the highest income tax of any EU country

This is just completely wrong, don't spout nonsense just to make a point.

OP, I think you are being far too quick to dismiss what he's saying because you don't like his sister. It makes sense that someone would come back from seeing their extended family and think that it would be nice to live closer to them, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's saying it because of pressure from her.

You seem to value a particular lifestyle, he seems to be at the stage where he wants to be more closely tied to his roots - neither of you are right or wrong, but you need to have rational conversations about what you want for your family without blaming other people.

Really not wrong. UK taxes are insanely high when you include student loans and lack of support for middle earners, plus you have to pay for any sort of decent health care and dentistry, and childcare is extortionate

Bellsandthistle · 12/08/2024 21:28

GloriousGoosebumps · 12/08/2024 20:48

Why is his sister so intent on getting your family to move back to this country? Is it because she doesn't have much of a life of her own and thinks she can usurp yours?

Fgs it’s her family. It’s not bizarre that she would like her brother and his family to be closer.

ThatTealViewer · 12/08/2024 21:26

Unless your SIL is some manner of hypnotist, the issue is your DH.

QueenOfTheNihilist · 12/08/2024 21:22

I would guess that family visits for many people living abroad stir up questions of moving back.

You say you have discussed a return on and off.

I would say that maybe in a week or two the two of you should fit down and have a proper discussion about it.

Start with feelings, how do the two of you feel about being near family, cultural familiarity, what and who do you miss, what not. What about any parents as they get older and frail?

Talk about work and finances. Do you enjoy your jobs? What prospects in each place, how much holiday is typical, work life balance etc.

Talk about your Dd. Exams and qualifications from the respective education systems, if you wanted to move when would be best wrt her friendships, education etc.

And lifestyle.

In the end, which place gives you the life you most want to lead?

And make it about you two, not a reaction to SIL.