Friend skimping on dinner

Sorry what I meant to say was it sounds like you’re looking for every different things out of a friendship, so your relationship with her has run its course.

I’d just tell them that you were watching your spends so were no longer buying adult friends presents and would be buying only your own meals from now on.

yes! Just by being sat across the table I would feel complicit because really what I usually do (mostly with people I’m super comfortable with) is question what’s being said. So if someone said ‘Katy would t stop speaking in that meeting’ my usual approach is to ask follow up questions like, ‘why do you think that is? What was the purpose of the meeting? Do you think maybe Katy is doing this because she is managing the team and is required to meet certain goals as part of her job? How can we understand Katy so we are able to enjoy our working environment?’ Just trying to break it down with some logic and trying to understand that not everyone in this world is mean and it’s rather easy to misunderstand someone based on maybe passed experiences that have been similar. But somehow I lost my some of identity along the way with this friend and I just felt the unease creeping up

This sounds like a very formal relationship rather than an actual friendship. It’s probably run its course.

I don’t think you’re actually friends, the example you've given where you question why her colleague was being annoying and help her work out how she can move forward is like a therapist not a friend. My friends would say yeah sounds annoying and share their stories about annoying colleagues or talk about work generally. What do you want to talk about other than other people, do you have interests in common?

I think it's far more likely that your grabby friend got her friend to pay her for the ticket, thereby covering the cost of her own. Trust your instincts - you don't need anyone's permission to drop this person.

Why do you need a separate app to do that?

All phones have calculator apps on them.

I don't understand how the OP has been railroaded into taking turns for paying for meals. I have never done this. Whenever I meet anyone for a meal we either split the bill equally if we have had pretty much the same value meals or we each pay for ourselves.

In this case it sounds like the "friend" isn't being much of a friend, and I would just be busy every time she suggests a meet up.

It is ok to have 'lite' friends.

Not every friendship needs to be deep and meaningful.
I think it's important that you've recognised these patterns and now you know you can decide on the terms you want to engage on, how often you meet up, where you go etc

She's always taking the piss with what she chooses, so if you decide to see her again, just say 'look i would prefer it going forward that we split the bill'

You don't need to say anything more. See how she reacts to this and decide whether you want to see her again.

I’m sort of agreeing with some of the responses but something wasn’t clear to me. I guess I don’t understand why this friend got away with the larger courses endlessly, when it was your turn to pay. Why not yourself do the same back if alternative outings you knew she was paying? Sorry if this was asked or obvious, I don’t get how this pattern continued. Also, same with gifts. When she gave you a cheaper present why not dial it down next one even if she was all about talking about expensive presents, you decide if you really want to do that.

I’m not for the friendship for the reason of talking about other people. I had a friend like that myself - gone.

I guess I just didn’t understand the dinner rotations and presents - how you ended up pretty much funding this woman for ages.

Don't know who said it to me, but it was along the lines 'if you have to ask, you don't have to ask'. Or suchlike. Meaning if you have to tell them they are taking advantages, don't tell them they are, because it is over, too late, friendship gone and they won't understand anyway. I was dating a guy ages ago, a rich guy, and he did something similar. I cut contact, and he kept phoning me (before email and mobiles) saying 'what the f is wrong, I thought we had such a good time', all the while I, a student, was subsidising his meal choices and he was a broker. I just could not bother to explain, it just felt embarrassing, mean, small. Just cut contact gradually.

Thank you kindly (beams behind's one fan).

It was the 'feeling dirty' that resonated with me. This woman and I were firm friends but over time I'd leave our interactions, come home and feel....bleh. And in a negative head space and exhausted because I felt complicit in some way.

She'd start with an innocuous comment like 'I thought Katy would never shut up in that management meeting' and I'd agree because perhaps Katy was annoying in the meeting. And then over time, over many conversations, she would destroy a person's character and yet actively seek her target out. It was warped and weird and while it's been years, I bumped into that very person Katy not so long ago and former friend and her are firm friends. If she had only heard the vitriolic stuff that was spewed about her.....it's so toxic.

It's like ex friend was only truly happy when belittling others.

Glad you have seen the light @Aadamsfamily!

I don't understand. Does she order for you? Have what you want and split the bill accordingly like everyone else does.

I'm wondering whether the slow fade is needed. Sometimes users stop bothering you when they realise you're no longer of use to them.

If you were to say 'I'm on a budget so let's split the bill rather than taking turns' or 'let's not do presents this year - I'm only buying for close family', perhaps the problem would sort itself out.

I've had friends like that and it's a nightmare. It creeps up on you and by the time you realise you feel really bad ending the friendship 'out of nowhere' but, of course, it's only out of nowhere because you've finally realised. And once you've seen it you can't unsee it. Usually the people using you as emotional run offs whilst doing absolutely nothing to sort their own issues to stop the misery flow.

Personally I'd pull right back or maybe even ghost. Doesn't sound like the friendship is worth the chat to try to fix it.

Sounds to me like she groomed you a little insofar as she ingratiated herself, was overly nice and made you pity her and now, as time has elapsed, you are getting to see the real her.

And the real her sounds miserly, unkind, calculating, self-pitying and really rather awful so you just need to ditch her as a friend. I appreciate that you see her at work so niceties have to be maintained but I'd leave longer between replying to her and just not be available for any excursions.....ever.

I had a close work friend for a number of years and over time her bitching about colleagues became so incredibly toxic it was painful. And I found myself being roped into these conversations and I am by no means a shrinking violet, but she would talk about people and then slowly assassinate their characters over time, all the while being a delight to their faces. And it took time for me to see the light and when I moved jobs I was able to ghost her. I think it has also taken you time and that's ok. Sometimes it takes a little while for someone to show who they really are.

I think you know that this will only get worse. The extravagant gifts are a recent development and she will continue to up the ante. What an awful person! Simply decide that she is not worthy of your company and you can do this without any huge showdowns.

I would suggest just paying for whatever you each have rather than take turns. And if she has bought you £20 gifts then of course you can do the same back. Or suggest not doing gifts anymore? I actually much prefer not exchanging gifts bar the odd nice bottle of wine or chocolates, Much easier.

I agree with others - become less available. If she asks why, then tell her.
But I guarantee she knows exactly what she’s doing and is quite happy to be benefiting from your “friendship”

Agreed, I’m over it now but it’s not a nice feeling at all when you realise how they view the “friendship”. I’d known her most of my life so I was especially gutted when the penny began to drop.

In my case the friend had a rough childhood too and similar to you, I feel she did expect everyone (except her useless partner that she demanded little of ) to compensate for it.

I didn’t have an ideal childhood either but I’m not like that , so to be clear I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone with childhood trauma

Does she engineer the food that way? So you feel railroaded into only having a main and one drink? I would distance myself from her as she sounds tight, gossipy and boastful but first I would be petty and have a meal or two on her where you order the equivalent of what she does when you’re paying. Pay no heed if she says she’s not hungry or in a rush and order what you want.