Friend skimping on dinner

@PeggyMitchellsCameo

"Then invent a major financial project (an extension, for example) and tell her all your spare funds are going to be put aside for that so you will happy to just do coffee from now on."

I see this sort of "advice" often on here. Please can you explain why you think anyone should go to the trouble of making something up? It's so unnecessary.

@Aadamsfamily Anyone who pointedly told me they liked "nice presents" in the way you describe might very quickly rather they hadn't. I would immediately deploy weapons grade sarcasm and mockery, leaving them in no doubt that I thought they were being a dick.

I recently drove my friend 30 miles to do her a favour. She suggested getting a coffee before I drove her home and I agreed. She was a bit baffled when I ordered my drink and went to sit down and said
"err, are we paying together? Or what?"
I said "well I figured it was your treat since I drove you here".
She realised that was perfectly fair, apologised to me and paid. No drama.

I could have said nothing, bought my own coffee and resented her afterwards. She does have a bit of previous in this area, so I don't let her get away with it.

Lol. I'd be happy chatting while we're sat on a park bench with a packed lunch....so pizza express or harvester IS a compromise haha

Harsh as it sounds, it is probably time to say 'au revoir'. You are worth more than this kind of treatment. The leopard does not change his spots and think of all the other new people out there you are missing out on. I would make up a new hobby like painting and say you spend most of your spare time doing your new hobby. Remember, live your best life.

I don't care if it looks cheap, and yeah she can eat or drink whatever she wants, and she knows that I don't really enjoy those places, in the same way that I know she doesn't really enjoy "eating like cattle" at harvester.

Surely there is a compromise between high end and a Harvester?
Do neither of you enjoy Indian, Thai, Italian, Chinese etc food?

I don't care if it looks cheap, and yeah she can eat or drink whatever she wants, and she knows that I don't really enjoy those places, in the same way that I know she doesn't really enjoy "eating like cattle" at harvester.
Luckily we have a friendship where we can be frank with each other, and agree to disagree, and come to a sort of compromise, and yet not fall out. I'm primarily there for the chat and company not the food.
I can tolerate the unnecessary faff and fancy nonsense that come at posh restaurants, she likes it and I'm happy to sit there watching her enjoy it. So long as we can keep laughing about it together.
We've never done bill splitting, we've always taken it in turns and after 30 years it's probably how it will always be.

This, find other hobbies

If it’s her turn next time and you want to se her again then when she says I’m not hungry , I’m only having main meal then you reply , oh really- I’m starving , haven’t eaten all day so you’re re setting the tone , or if your turn next time then when you sit down you immediately say you’re not hungry and you’re only having a dessert. Just mirror her behaviour, then phase her out. Get your long three course meal and drinks first as she owes you many.

I would consider telling them exactly how you feel. If she takes umbridge, it's no loss. But if you find that difficult to do, just be less available. Eventually she may get the message. Good luck x

@Aadamsfamily I have read and reread your posts and I keep asking myself is the person you are talking about my friend also?!
it all sounds too familiar. I always pay more when we go out. I always pay more on presents and reading all the lovely replies I realise that I too have been used.
i’ll give you one funny example: in the last five years we both had significant birthdays. I bought her a gift which cost £30. I bought it because I remembered she saw it and said she loved it. She gave me an expensively wrapped boxed toiletry set. I had never said I liked the brand so was slightly surprised at her choice. She said she had pushed the boat out a bit but she thought it had me written all over it. A few days later another friend and I went to a designer shopping center and I spotted the brand in a shop window. So I popped in to see if I could get a spare nozzles as the shower gel top was wonky-the salesperson had worked there years and told me that the box set in question was discontinued at least 2 years ago!
Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Felt so used.

Why take it in turns? Why not just split the bill? Or better still, if you want a 3 course with drinks, then order that regardless of who's turn it is

Regarding gifts - I see that differently. Nobody is forcing you to spend loads

It looks cheap. Do.you encourage her to eat and drink?

I think it's always sensible to split the bill as there is always going to be an imbalance between difference restaurants . Or go to a pub where you just order your own food/drinks . I think expecting someone to foot a £100+ bill in one go is a lot (whether it's you or your friend). Even if the other person paid the previous time, things come up and money gets spent . Much easier to go out and know you are only paying for your own part. And if I was hard up and drinking lager whilst my friend drank cocktails I would be saying we should get our own.

I would just distance yourself, it doesn’t sound like you’re feeling that great after spending time with them anyway. They sound like they’re just trying to get as much as they can from others and not give much in return, both financially and in company and that’s exhausting

Gosh. Sounds boring and like the friendship is coming to a natural end.

Next time I'd say I'm watching my £££ so let's split the bill and I'd drop into conversation that you won't be doing adult gifts over the next year for the same reason.

I expect you will see it fizzle out quickly after that.

And if it doesn't I'd just be less available. Some friendships end. Sounds like this one needs to!

Why do you take it in turns to pay? Either split the bill or pay for your own.

I wouldn't choose to eat in a Nandos or Harvester either TBH. For the same budget I'd go Chinese, Turkish, Thai or Indian.

I've a friend that I dine out with often. She likes the posher restaurants (cloth napkins, somalier etc) whilst I prefer nandos or harvester type places, which imo are perfectly fine, and at a third of the price. We both kind of tolerate the others choice, but if we end up somewhere posh and it's my turn to pay, then i definitely try to get the cheapest option and skip dessert etc. it's not that I can't afford, but more like these places make me feel like I'm being ripped off.

absolute taker who is using you for your giving nature - I would ditch them asap.

I'd just distance myself from her tbh. But if you do go out again and it's her turn to pay there's nothing wrong with staying that your hungry and will be ordering a starter, main and pudding, I'd also order a few drinks just for good measure

@fantasycake I did also say that OP can choose how she wants to manage this friendship now that she has noticed these patterns - taking the piss with menu choices and topics of conversation.

In the past I have had friendships where we have 'slagged people off' - usually work mates where we've had awful managers. Sometimes these friendships have flourished into something deeper, sometimes not.
I have also told mates if they were out of order if they were being unkind about someone.
There are lots of different types of relationships / friendships - some are worth keeping, others not so much.

It is ok to have 'lite' friends

Not every friendship needs to be deep and meaningful

Huge difference between friends you can have superficial fun with and friends who spend their time negging and slagging off other people behind their backs. People who gossip about others constantly to you are without a doubt slagging you off to other people as well. Why wouldnt they if thats their literal definition of fun/friendship?

I would say. You are watching the pennies. So when you go out. Lets not split bills. Lets. Just pay for our own

I would say. You are watching the pennies. So when you go out. Lets not split bills. Lets. Just pay for our own

If youre not enjoying it any more, and this person doesn’t bring goodness to your life, don’t go. We have no obligation to continue any relationship.

I’d rather just pay for what I’ve had, it leaves me bitter when sharing is not equal, if it is, then fine. DH is always first to the bar, offers to pay etc and I love this about him, equally people know this and take the piss, I’ve lost count of the times we’ve walked into a pub and the other person decides they need the loo as soon as they walk in, or decide they want a bun/cake when we we’re just getting coffees ! And don’t get me started on others ordering bloody lobster and premium steaks, you know this is going to be one of the most expensive things on the menu !

you could pay when your turn, then on next meet up say, you know can we pay for what we have before ordering, without further explanation, hopefully they will think they have the better part of the bargain. If the topics are boring you discuss and you don’t want to continue and it’s not worth keeping the friendship when it’s possible only an hour or two of your time, then don’t x possibly if you pay for your own, this maybe the last time x