Friend skimping on dinner

You could just suggest that you share the bill each time

Oh that's awful. What's wrong with these people?

Here's a heart-warming story to remind us that for every cheeky fucker there's many more decent people who will treat you well.

I was on a year long work placement and the lowest paid. We live somewhere renowned for the night life and made the most of it. Great people. The best and wildest time of my life 😄

We'd go straight from work and they always insisted I bought the first round. The reason - it was still happy hour and was the cheapest round of the night by a mile. Turned out they always did this with placement students They didn't want anyone excluded from the fun just because they earned less.

My most outrageous cheeky fucker experience was many many years ago. My friend had seen some shoes she wanted. They were strange (well, ugly) shoes, sort of ballet flats but in a variety of garish patterns with sequins 😲

They were £10 a pair or two pairs for £15. She found one pair and asked which ones I liked. I thought she was struggling to decide on the second pair. She mentioned the offer making it only £7.50 each. It took me a minute to realise she expected me to buy the second pair so she'd only pay £7.50 for hers. She threw an entitled hissy fit when I said I wouldn't buy shoes I didn't like just to save her money. She actually thought I was the one being unreasonable.

I would be paying just for myself each time and would be rather less available x

Why have you been putting up with this?

Next time you go out, say you've noticed that you always pay for more expensive meals and you'd like to pay for yourself going forward.

Say you want to stop doing birthday gifts.

Don’t feel bad, easier than done I know but there’s no need to feel bad. She has been taking advantage of you and you are bringing that to an end now.

If anyone should feel bad it’s her. I doubt she’ll reflect on what she’s done for these friendships to end but that’s on her.

Indeed - in the long term it’s for the best despite the feeling of discomfort or guilt you may be experiencing now.

Has she possibly seen your thread on mumsnet and worked out that she was the subject OP?

Was your message a response to her inviting you out? @Aadamsfamily

If so, it sounds like she realises you’re distancing yourself from her so she’s getting in there first by saying farewell all the best etc.

I suspect she’s did this to a lot of people so she’s used to recognising the signs of friends who are slow fading her.

And sometimes manipulative people send confusing or obscure messages like that deliberately, to try and prolong a conversation so this may even be intentional.

I’d say just don’t respond again, and if she contacts you again in the future just say you’re not available and decline the invitation outright.

OP excuse me If this has already been asked, but who’s turn is it to pay the next time you meet up?

This... quite simple really
You could add ... see them less often if it's not actually enjoyable

If you have so little in common I would gradually start filtering this person out your life. If she suggests a meal say oh am on a budget so main course only and do not spend anymore than £20 on any gift it should be the thought that counts not the pricetag. She sounds as though she going to keep demanding more and more. Good luck

Each one of you pay their own share of the dinner. Sounds to me that she is not a real friend.

I am late to the thread, and from your updates I think you have resolved what to do.

But I also found my self in a similar situation. I realised that it was me doing all the arranging to go out, she only phoned me if she wanted something and mainly me doing the paying. I thought I would put this to the test, so I invited her to come to a local attraction with me and DS (aged about 4). I picked her up, got her into the attraction on my yearly pass, bought us all lunch and paid for a ride for us all. I said I was going to get DS an ice cream, half expecting her to offer to get it, but she made no offer. Then I said I am having one too, do you want one? Yes please, she says. On the way out she suggested going to the shop, and she spent £30 in cash on garden stuff for her. And then I dropped her back home.

That was the last time I called her. She called us a couple of times because she wanted something, but we were unable to assist, and the friendship fizzled out. I was annoyed I hadn't spotted the trend sooner but I never regretted bringing it to a close.

It happens, but do what you know you need to 🙂

You don’t enjoy the conversation.

So whoever pays and whatever you eat, what’s the point?

Let it cool off. Go for a coffee instead. Leave with increasing lengths of time between meet ups.

It sounds like hard work. Maybe it’s hard work for her too, if she isn’t keen on self-improvement and deep and meaningful conversations over lunch/dinner.

New friendships are based on a lot of good will at first and you weren’t to know that you are actually quite incompatible, but now you realise that she is using you to fund her lifestyle it’s your job to be honest with yourself and put a stop to it if you aren’t enjoying it or can’t afford it.

I think it would be hurtful to her to be upfront or blunt about how you have now come to think of her company.
A slow fade would be better. But certainly stop buying expensive gifts for a person whose company makes you feel bad, as that would be a betrayal to yourself. You can always buy a small token gift which reflects something of yourself. For example instead of the super expensive handbag that she wants, give her a paperback version of a book that you really enjoyed with a note inside the front cover to explain why you enjoyed it and hoping she will too. Actually, is there any need to buy gifts at all ? A bunch of flowers with a genuine smile and hand written card on her birthday is more normal.

Maybe it’s a good idea to keep future new friendships a bit lighter at first, until you get the measure of each other and know how you want to go forward.

First, id suggest bill splitting, so its fair each time. Or pay for what you order ( My friends and I do this).

Maybe do something different together.

Cinema, an activity etc that will bring about different conversation.

From your 2nd post, it sounds like you think you're better than her. That's not a recipe for a good friendship and would lead to the resentment you're now feeling.
Ghosting her would be very rude, so just gradually reduce the amount of time you spend with her till the friendship fizzles out.

Friends are not meant to be this hard, just stop doing it with them

Choose a restaurant where you order your own food at the bar 🙂

I’m a bit older than you @Aadamsfamily, and have had a blah childhood. I am in my 50’s now and I think from my 30’s I gradually naturally weeded out “friendships” that didn’t have an equal meeting of energy. We all value quality rather than quantity of friendships and probably see each other less than ever due to distance and time constraints, but when we do catch up it’s just as easy as if we caught up yesterday. There is zero anxiety or resentment, just mutual, genuine care. Nobody is using anyone, or guilt-tripping. I would be putting her firmly in the acquaintance basket.

I am a bit bloody minded, and also tend to go over things in my head, over thinking, round and round...

So I'd give her one more go... but with my newfound awareness of what she's doing - challenge things.

If she starts on the gossipy mean shit, obstruct, 'why do you think that, thats not really very nice is it, shall we talk about something else'...

If its her turn to pay, when she starts with the 'oh I'm not hungry, I will just have a main' I would respond:

'Well I am bloody starving so I'll have a starter and a main/main and a pudding as usual...'

If it IS your turn to pay... then turn the tables on her, say 'oh dear not very hungry/not got long this time so lets just have a main shall we?'... and if she tries to settle in tell her you need to be on your way so if she wants extra drinks/dessert she'll have to have those by herself, on her own dime.

The response to that should set your mind at rest, and stop you questioning whether you've made the right decision to not bother with her in future.

I'm surprised you have to ask really. I work with a similar tedious person and I now just decline every suggestion to meet up with an excuse and just say I can't afford to go out for lunch anymore. Eventually she got the message.
She must have had a skin like a rhino. I couldn't be rude as I work with her but normally I would have no problem brushing someone off.

It takes a while to realise when friends behave like this. I had an old school friend and when we went out I realised after a few nights out that she would get herself a soft drink when it was her round and then order spirits when I was paying.
There were other things that bugged me, but
the last straw was when I took a present to her house. We were both students at the time but she had more money than me. The present was a Christmas present and her comment was "is this my birthday AND Christmas present?"
I ditched her after that.