To be getting irritated by adult daughter going out every night?

She sounds selfish.

I'd be saying to her to stop coming in your room!! There's no need for that. And she needs to be quieter or maybe she needs to move out!

Why is she coming in to your room to ask if you’re awake? Of course that wakes you up!

Hi I agree that coming in to talk is not on. If my door is closed and light is off my DD would never disturb me.
But I have to question the in by 11 mularkey. My DD works in hospitality at the moment with close at 11 so often is t home till 11.40. She's often working some of the weekend so her late nights can be during the week.

And anyway, I'm sometimes not in till after 11. And I'm 60 and work as a CEO. Live and let live I think just be quiet and respectful.

You haven't said in any of your posts that you've had a conversation about this.

She thinks she is being quiet, she really isn't. She often comes in my room loudly whispering if I'm awake, well I am now.

Have you actually told her to stop doing this?

This!
Why does an adult need to be told how rude that is?
And why should OP have to wear earplugs and use white noise in her own home?

Tell her
a) home by 11 on weeknights or find somewhere else to sleep
b) do NOT enter your room or knock, if the door is closed at night
c) she needs to tone down the noise generated by her evening routine; surely changing into nightclothes, brushing teeth/washing face can be done near-silently. What else is she doing to make noise? Tell her to stop.

I don't understand being passive about a situation like this.

You need to remind her that you want/deserve peace and quiet to sleep when you have gone to bed. If you are awake and want to talk to her when she gets home, then you will shout out to her. She is not to come into your bedroom unless there is some sort of emergency. You could try to let her see how it feels by waking her up every morning before you go to work?

Return the favour at 5am? Petty but she'll get the message

Sounds like you need to invest in ear plugs/white noise and she needs to learn how to keep the noise down. I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable but you need to accept that, as a young person, she's likely to have an active social life, and she needs to respect the fact that you need your sleep.

On the plus side, it's good that she has friends and that she is enjoying herself. I find my adult dd's constant socialising a bit much at times, but then I remind myself that I am far happier to know that she is out having fun with her lovely, positive and supportive friends than I would be if she was moping around at home and feeling like she had no friends at all!

Why is she coming into your room to ask if you’re awake? You need to put a stop to that, at 21 she is more than old enough to understand that’s not on. Make it very clear that she needs to be quiet when she comes in and that she’s not to open your door, disturb you or purposefully wake you up unless there is an emergency.

My DD is 24 and goes through phases of going out a lot sometimes not back till 3 or 4 in the morning. She doesn't tell me when she's coming back (unless she texts to say she's staying at a friend's place). It's not really my business but I have told her she needs to be quiet when she comes in as my bedroom is right by the front door. She was sometimes a bit noisy in the kitchen which is also near my bedroom (I live in a large split level Apartment) so I told her and she's much better about that too.

We have ' find my phone' for each other if I ever want to check where she is. (She uses it to request food if she spots where I am). Because she went away to uni in very used to her being out or off somewhere. They're adults and need to have a life.

Of course it's irritating when someone (anyone) comes home after you're asleep and makes enough noise that it wakes you. It would be annoying if it were a partner or flatmate, and yes, it's annoying in an adult child. The way she actually whisper-asks if you're awake wouldn't strike me as cute. There'd better be a damned good reason, if someone's whispering at me when I'm in bed at night.

YANBU to tell her that the current situation isn't working, because it's disturbing your valuable sleep. She shouldn't come into your room when she returns home, because it obviously wakes you, and she needs to try harder to be quiet. If she's old enough to keep adult hours and enjoy adult freedoms, she's old enough to moderate her volume. It's the respectful, adult thing to do. If she can't do that, she needs to come home earlier or move into her own place.

Why on earth is she coming into your room and talking to you?

The problem isn’t the late nights. It’s the waking you up. Sit down and talk to her, but you have to be clear about it instead of just saying, “Please be quiet.” Explain the noises you hear so she can see where she is making too much noise and put an absolutely block on her coming into your room. She sounds like a bit of an idiot if she thinks that is ok.

Yes yes it all sounds very cute but people cope differently with lack of sleep. I can't at all - one night of bad sleep and I'm a completely different person, my thoughts are like treacle and I become very irritable.
OP she needs to be actually quiet or if not, just sleep on the sofa or something.

As soon as you get up in the morning, go in to her room and whisper 'are you awake?' at ever increasing volume until she hears you?
Every time she wakes you up she has to be in by 10 the following day? She'll soon learn to be quiet!

I feel for you OP because I struggle to go back to sleep if I'm woken up and I can't stand it.

Either I'd have to stay up until she got it or (if I'd been woken up) go into their room at 3am with the hoover. Seriously.... she needs to learn.

Kind of amazed that there are people who think midnight is an unreasonable time for an adult to come home, or indeed who even expect to be notified what time an adult plans to get in.

She just needs to be a bit quieter, is all. Or you need to get earplugs or something because it does sound like you're quite a light sleeper.

Aw, she's only 21 and doesn't mean to be a nuisance! I like she's asking you 'are you awake?'

You'll miss her when she's all grown-up and in her 40s, as my sons are now

Of course that's not acceptable, it's your house isn't it? Is she paying rent? How does she afford to go out every night?

And if she goes to the kitchen for a midnight snack, that needs to stop.

Tell her to reduce the racket when she gets in - door shut quietly, shoes off quietly, tiptoe up stairs, close bathroom door quietly, bedroom door ditto. There's not much she can do about noisy pipes, but she could wash her face and brush teeth quietly too - no loud spitting, no water at full blast. If there's a downstairs loo, she should use that for face washing and brushing teeth.

Get yourself a white noise machine.